Rebound relationships

[Celadon]

So how do you know if you're the "rebound" for someone who broke up with his/her ex? What if any signs do you watch out for?

 

I've been thinking about it since a guy friend of mine broke up with his ex, then pretty much immediately started paying more attention to me. After a few dates I didn't feel comfortable with continuing, so I told him I'd rather be friends. To his credit, he took it well and still is a good friend.

 

But really, if I HAD been interested in him, I still wonder if it would have been wise to date him so soon after. (I'm talking dating that would lead to a long-term relationship, not just dating for fun.)

 

Do you guys have any rule of thumb about how long to leave a person alone after they've broken up with someone? It's an interesting situation, 'cause if you leave them alone for too long, they may start dating someone else!

[LiL_MiSs_NeY]

for me it depends on a wide range of things. like how long were they together for, how serious it was, and who broke it off.

 

if they were together for a good amount of time i assume it was a farily serious relationship so i would have given the guy enough time to sort himself out. however if he was the one that broke it off, depending on the situation they may have been well and truly over their gf so "the time to grieve" wouldnt be as long. i never had a set time for when id make a move it depends on the situation.

 

 

not sure if that made any sense because i tend to ramble

[Dako]

If you meet someone, and the convo has more than a passing reference to their ex, it's likely you're a crutch.

If they're making a new start and discussing future plans without rancor about the past, it's healthier.

[Celadon]

Thanks for the input, both of you. You make a lot of sense. Thinking about it more, I guess in (bad) rebound relationships, one person will be in it primarily out of fear of being alone. Hopefully, that kind of attitude will be detected at some point.

 

My concern is that it's hard from the outset to see if someone's *really* sorted himself or herself out, as in having learned something about him/herself from the relationship. Seems to me if there isn't some "down time" between relationships, a person could simply repeat the problems of the past. Like, if anger was a problem, the guy/gal might not address it, thinking it might be easier to get into a new relationship (and magically all the old problems will disappear!). (Not.)

 

Anyway, just thinking out loud here...

[Lily04]

Hey Katie,

 

It's good to see your posts again! I remember we used to chat before..like a few years ago! geez. but anyway, I think you're right. I remember when I started dating this guy a few months ago, I suspected the same... he didn't want to take me to places where his ex-gfs might randomly show, he mentioned accidentally that he drunk-called his ex., and in general he didn't seem to be taking me that seriously. He wouldn't really call back to confirm things, over xmas break didn't call for a few weeks, etc... even though i liked him I just dropped it. If I really like a guy's personality & we have a good chemistry, I too, like to think long-term. But if I get the sense that he's not serious and doesn't see me in the same light, then our goals are not compatible.

 

I think those are signs that he's just looking for a quick-fling type of thing. Also, he told me that he was dating another girl at the time, and although I know it's technically "ok" to date multiple people when you first start dating if you're not committed... if I really like a person, I want to be serious. I want there to be LT potential. He didn't seem to be on the same wavelength with that, so that wasn't OK with me. If you get the sense he's dating multiple girls right away as well, he's probably not serious and if you're looking for something more serious & long-term, I think you made the right decision.

 

hope that helps, take care,

 

Lily

[ghost69]

i agree with dako, however, it can be the reverse too. the guy could just be blowing off the relationship like he doesn't care and acting like he is ready to move on. it's a tough call. women always ask me that question though. how long ago i broke up.

 

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[TonyMar75]

If you meet someone, and the convo has more than a passing reference to their ex, it's likely you're a crutch.

If they're making a new start and discussing future plans without rancor about the past, it's healthier.

 

Wise as always, Dako.

 

This an interesting thread for me because I got dumped just before Christmas, then found out last week that she ran into the arms of another guy immediately and is now practically living with him.

 

Me? This weekend I'm going on my first date since the breakup and am going to tape this quote from Dako on a little card to take along with me.

[Lily04]

yes, but also, no need to start making future plans with someone on a first date... just take it slow.

[Celadon]

Hi Lily! Good to see you again too. Yeah, it's been awhile since I posted regularly here. Too much craziness going on in life, I guess. I think you made the right decision on the guy. If he's not on the same wavelength, it'll just become more and more obvious as time goes on. That would have hurt.

 

Tony, hope your date went well. I'm a fan of taking things slowly, so that both people know they're in the relationship for the right reasons (because they like the other person, not just because they want to be in a relationship).

[ghost69]

a good sign is they act shady or break plans a lot. another sign could be they talk waaaay too much about their ex's good times and not so much of the bad. or you say you like something and they say "so and so" does too. they aren't over them then.

 

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[Celadon]

a good sign is they act shady or break plans a lot. another sign could be they talk waaaay too much about their ex's good times and not so much of the bad. or you say you like something and they say "so and so" does too. they aren't over them then.

Yeah, or they get a look on their face and say something like, "My ex used to do that all the time..." !

[Lily04]

a good sign is they act shady or break plans a lot. another sign could be they talk waaaay too much about their ex's good times and not so much of the bad. or you say you like something and they say "so and so" does too. they aren't over them then.

 

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Breaking plans or not being serious about plans is definitely a good sign. I am perennially busy, so if I actually slot in a few hrs. out of my busy schedule to get to know someone, it means I'm taking the time to care.

[cpc28655]

If you meet someone, and the convo has more than a passing reference to their ex, it's likely you're a crutch.

If they're making a new start and discussing future plans without rancor about the past, it's healthier.

 

Couldn't have said it better myself. I have been guilty of that.