finally, the independence I wanted???

[singingnotflying]

Whenever my partner (of two years) & I would fight, I'd secretly wonder if we DID break up, would I finally have the chance to break away from my life-long codependency habit? Of late, I've been feeling like I don't know who I am or what I am passionate about in life... although I've been working on that too, slowly but surely, in the past few years.

 

Well, now he actually HAS broken up with me... and I'm heart-broken & wish it weren't true. It doesn't feel real; we were going to spend our lives together. We're still friends & co-parents (we have a nine-month-old son), but he wants his freedom (in all sorts of ways). He has a newfound sense of liberty & emancipation with his new "teeth" (dentures).

 

Let's not talk about the fact that it's irresponsible for him to have a child with someone he loves & then make himself too busy for a romantic relationship with me & walk away. That already hurts & bewilders me enough.

 

What I want to talk about is my FEAR. He's going to support the baby & I, but still... Now that I'm on my own (& with a baby to boot!), I'm scared to death! I'll be 31 in a month, I've been in relationships since I was 22 (& before that, I lived with my parents), & I have no idea what to do.

 

Well, I have some idea, but I'm frightened & unsure of where to begin... just how I've always been with everything (reading, projects, art, writing, finances, etc.) I want to do it all one minute, & the next, I'm paralyzed. And all I can think about is the love of my life is out there, doing it for himself just fine, gone from my life... further distraction from what I need to get done.

 

On top of all this, I'm broke, with awful credit (from a years-ago relationship with an abusive crackhead), & I've never been able to get a decent job since college ten years ago. I don't want to leave my son in daycare either. Not this young.

 

I think success in this area of my life will be apparent whenever I get to the point where I don't care or mind either way whether he & I ever have an intimate relationship ever again (& especially whether he's having any sort of relations with someone else; that thought nauseates me right now). He says zen & love of life & myself seems within my grasp, but I can't seem to sense it the same way.

 

Anyway, has anyone gone through this who can give me some advice &/or assurance? Thanks so much.

[astaro]

i havnt really gone through it, but i have seen my mother and father split up and my mother left alone to deal with a 10 year old (myself) and my new born sister.

 

my memory of that entire time is rather scketchy but i can tell you she fought hard in the beginning, but within four years with some help from her mother she managed to actualy buy a house aswell as have a very good secure job (which she has still). lives in a good neighborhood in an above avrage life style.

 

its not going to be easy, but for the sake of your baby and yourself i am sure you will find a way to make it work.

 

as for the fear, nothing you can really do but tough it out and keep going (wish i was able to listen to my own advice sometimes)

 

Edit - well, there is one huge difrence between the life you used to have and the life you are about to have.

 

you have no choise right now other then to pick yourself up, and start improving yourself, you will surly have to make sacrifices (sending your son to day care for instance) but i bet your son is worth the hard work

 

best of luck to you

[need2bme]

Welcome. I am sorry that things turned out the way they did. I do know that the old saying is true; "Be careful what you wish for".

 

I wished for so long that the ex and I could be separated. She was just not loving to me, at all. Not supporting. Not caring. Sure, I took all of that out on her, but when it finally happened and it was OVER...

 

It broke my heart. I could feel my heart breaking. No lie.

 

If I can make it this long, I know you can. I rebuilt my credit and bought homes and was able to get credit cards after doing so much damage to my life in my early years.

 

You have to remember that you are worth something, cause God don't make no junk!

[singingnotflying]

Thanks y'all. That last comment especially made me smile.

[Coniston]

Hi,

 

It is no wonder you feel overwhelmed - what you are facing is overwhelming.

 

Break things down into bite-size pieces. What kind of resources do you have? Family and friends? Talk to them and tell them you need support and help with what - daycare etc? Are you working? If so, take time off it you can to sort things.

 

Contact a debt counsellor and see if they can help, and then if you can, find a good counsellor to help you. Look at models of therapy and see which one would work. You already have some awareness that you are co-dependent, and awareness is a good place to start. Ask how you can learn to have trust and faith in yourself and know that you can take care of you and your child, even though it is hard.

 

When you can do that, love yourself and take care of yourself, you will feel like being with someone in a different kind of way.

 

Take it easy.