How bad do you need other's validation?

[Bijoux]

Many heartaches come from this situation.

 

We all seek at some point others' approval.

 

If they are cool and look content with what we are doing, or what we say we are going to do, everything feels nice and dandy.

 

If they frown and look uneasy about your decisions, then it feels like everything is falling apart.

 

After all, if the general opinion is that you are screwed up in the head for doing whatever you are doing or planning to do, they must be right eh? You are a trainwreck or a freak or a loser...

 

It takes balls to go on even if everyone around is shacking their heads in disgust to your plans. It takes balls to dare to live outside the narrow margins of this society.

 

So how bad do you need other's validation?

 

How far are you willing to go for getting a tap in the head and a "Well done buddy!" ?

[Brooke657]

I think I used to need other people's validation alot more then I do now. I still want validation from my friends and other people I'm close to, their opinion matters to me.

[Dako]

I once worked in a high pressure defense job, and was so used to being criticized and badgered, I spent 15 years just content if no one screwed me over that day. I became immune to the toxic atmosphere until I blew the whistle on someone and was promptly terminated.

 

My next job in a small company was the exact opposite, and people treated me well, praised my work and gave me wider latitude in my tasks. It was so cool I was always happy to go to work.

 

I guess I respond better to the carrot than the stick.

[Bijoux]

Yeah, we all react better to possitive reinforcement.

 

But my post has nothing to do with that.

 

I was talking about how much are you willing to sacrifice just in order to get the so called validation.

 

Like people getting married and having kids just because that's what their parents are expecting them to.

 

Or freshmen getting drunk til' coma just to be accepted by a group of jerks at college.

 

Or gay guys that can't seem to get out of the closet because the family might have stroke if they see them holding hands with someone their own sex.

 

In the end... what is more nauseating? Forcing yourself to follow the rules around in order to be accepted or ending up on your own because you're not gonna take it?

[Leonhart]

I think you always have to be true to yourself and your heart. If you end up marrying and having children just because you think it's expected of you, I can almost guarantee a divorce and some hurt kids in your future.

 

Peer pressure is huge, especially for teens these days. Even so many that try so hard not to comform end up doing so anyway, with their own clique of non-comformist friends. It's quite sad really.

 

Being part of something bigger is only human and it's something you can't really get around, but living your entire life just to please others will leave you empty and bitter in the end, filled with regrets over wasted opportunities for your own growth and advancement. I'm not saying it's never good to please others or to do things for others - that's not it at all - just that it's pointless to live your entire life always seeking others' approval, constantly doing things just for the sake of others' approval.

[Dako]

Now I understand, Bijoux.

 

When I was 16, I decided to get a vasectomy when I was old enough, and I did it in my early 20s. Some relatives disapproved. Whatever.

 

I think it's a shame to be driven by approval

[jengh]

I've always NEEDED my mother's validation. Disappointing her is my biggest fear (I know, how awful is that?)

Anyone other than her, I could care less about whether or not they care. Even my dad, I care to an extent, but not anywhere near how I care about my mom's.

She's always pushed me and pushed me. Everything I did... everything I've accomplished...none of it has been QUITE good enough. She'll praise me but then will be like "you did SO great, I'm so proud of you! But you could've done much better"

[i1dr]

How much do I crave approval? Depends on how crazy I am about that person and how much I respect them. It's the best cool-aid there is if from the right fountain.

[Brooke657]

Yeah I definatly always need validation from my dad. He's gotten to be really successful and I plan on doing exactly what he does so it's important to me that he's proud of me, I kinda feel like I'm constantly trying to prove myself to him.

[renaissancewoman101]

Validation is something I always seek from people. I want people to like me, to include me in things. If I feel like people don't like me or want to include me in things, esp people I like, I go out of my way to try to "make" them like me.

 

Part of this stems from my relationship with my mother. She has always told me that I have been a disappointment to her.

[Bijoux]

Thanks to all of you for being so upfront and honest.

 

While this validation idea annoys me, I've also spent energies in seeking approval. Or at least, moving inside the margins of what I know is not gonna freak out people around.

 

The parents for example. It'd be such a drag having them around with suggestions on what it's supposed to be the best for me... I avoid the nagging with all my soul but this also implies I'm limited to do things that are not gonna raise questions and an avalanche of unwanted opinions.

 

Just like you Jen, I've lived feeling like getting the parents upset equals the end of the world. Not so.

 

They are just people, not walking gods. They may have been gods when I was a kid, but not anymore. Do the know better? Maybe. But I'm an adult now. I'm in all my right of making my own decisions and mistakes even if it means they're gonna go mad.

 

Ren, even if you are told that, this is just one opinion. Your mother is only a woman, not the queen of the universe. Yeah, some parents can be rather destructive. But that does not mean you have to take their crap.

[Bijoux]

Anyhoo, I think there are at least two types of validation.

 

The one you seek just for getting out of the way and not having to hear people preaching on you, and the one that comes in the shape of compliments and stuff.

 

The ones that are eager to get the second type, are sometimes validation junkies. They cannot live without people around reminding them how nice, pretty, talented and cute they are. If the don't have this feedback from people around, they may automatically start thinking that they are rubbish and that they are not worth it.

 

That usually happens when you don't love yourself enough, or you don't love yourself at all, and you actually hate your own guts.

 

Feels like the answer to all your problems and complexes is out there. That your friends and co-workers have it. That it is their job to remind you constantly how good you are, to love you, to listen to you, to forgive you and to give you their time and patience in order to mend the pieces of your broken heart.

 

But that's noone's job, BUT YOURS.

 

Is not your parent's job, is not your spouse's or significant other's job. No matter how much are they supposed to love you.

 

First of all, you have to love your own self. Is not enough with only *not* hating yourself.

 

Taking yourself too seriously can be also very problematic.

 

Acting like the situation you are in is the worst of all, that you are a victim of circumstances and that you have the worst luck of all times is just plain lame.

 

Life in general, is not easy. For anyone. No matter how many of the things that are supposed to make you happy in this society you have, the problems, tribulations, dilemmas, afflictions, adversities and heartaches are never gonna stop.

 

You have the right to whine and be a Drama Queen, but to a certain extend just. Doing it for an indefinite time, 24/7 is really not gonna help improving your situation.

 

So do whatever it takes to forgive yourself, get back on your feet and leave the drama in the past, don't turn it into a burden.

 

It feels like we are supposed to always have the right answer, do the right decision, be brilliant and know best. That sounds good in theory, but aspiring to that is not realistic.

 

You heroic deeds and your failures, no matter how big and overwhelming you think they are, pass, like everything else. After a while noone will remember, noone will care. So why giving it so much thought and trying to keep a perfect score to the eyes of "society"?

 

Yeah, it's a shame to be driven by approval.

[itsallgrand]

Validation has been important to me in a very butt backwards way.

Seeking validation through acting out and badly, basically.

 

For the majority of my life past childhood, I have sought to have someone make me understand that I am not nuts.

I grew up where things didn't make sense, a lot of people did act nuts and worked diligently to convince me I was always the one at fault/crazy/bad/wrong.

 

And I accepted it, eventually, because there was nothing around to help me understand otherwise. And to be truthful, I did not have the capabilities and experience and maturity to figure it out on my own. That is not a fault of mine - it was simply a matter of age and who I was.

 

In early adulthood I made some good friends and had a boyfriend who was very outspoken about the reality. It helped me trememndously, but my beliefs about my lack of power over my own definition of who I am - and we all do get to decide who we become and ARE - was messed up.

I sabotaged and wasn't able to make it. The negative junk won. For a time.

 

What happens when you live for validation is your world shrinks up and you lose sight of who you are, bit by bit by bit, til you feel like there is nothing left.

And then there is this huge aching hole that craves filling, and so the cycle is strong and driven now. Takes major effort to get out of it.

Lots of risk, lots on the line.

 

In love, a person needs to be strong and know who they are and be willing to stand up for it in the face of intense pressure/desire/ criticism. A person who looks to the other to pull all the weight dooms relationships and sucks people dry.

 

That is what I did. Found good people and felt starved and afraid to lose it. Because those people were also confused in my mind with me - who I am - and I felt losing them meant losing the good parts of me.

 

Of course this is false, but it has taken a long time to figure this out.

 

Growing up, yes, part of it is seperating yourself from identifying with others.

There is relating - but we should never ever confuse that with our own identity being part of others.

We are the ones who define who we are every single moment.

 

It sucks and is scary or it is exciting and empowering, depending on how you look at it.

 

I like it. Ghosts can be laid to rest this way.

 

Please post more, Bijoux.