Sadness_Within Posted February 15, 2007 Share Posted February 15, 2007 A few questions... Do you think if your partner looks at porn (and hides it) knowing you DO NOT LIKE IT is a form of cheating? Do you think hiding your friendship with someone(No matter how innocent) is cheating? Link to comment
melrich Posted February 15, 2007 Share Posted February 15, 2007 I'm not sure that either would fit the definition of cheating but both of them are deceptive and many would regard that almost as bad. It would really depend on the circumstances though. Link to comment
Mythical_Suicide Posted February 15, 2007 Share Posted February 15, 2007 Looking at porn and hiding it IMO is a form of emotional cheating while it may not be physical its still there. The way I feel is if they have to hide it there's something wrong. Same goes with the hiding friendships, but I have a major issue with that as thats one big problem my bf and I Have had.. him hiding friendship with girls even though innocent he would lie about them. I dont constitute it as cheating but it's definitely wrong on so many levels. Link to comment
Sadness_Within Posted February 15, 2007 Author Share Posted February 15, 2007 ok I will explain a bit better. Give me a little time to write it ALL out. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 15, 2007 Share Posted February 15, 2007 I agree. Cheating is having sex or sexual contact with someone who is not your partner. But just because it's not cheating doesn't mean the behavior in question is consistent with a committed relationship - as defined by the couple. I don't believe that "emotional cheating" is the same as cheating or adultery. I do think people use that term because it is volatile and because it sweeps in so much behavior and labels it "cheating." Link to comment
Mythical_Suicide Posted February 15, 2007 Share Posted February 15, 2007 "emotional cheating" is the same as cheating or adultery. I do think people use that term because it is volatile and because it sweeps in so much behavior and labels it "cheating." Emotional cheating is often just as bad as physically cheating.. I've been on the other side of "emotional cheating" and been physically cheated on, believe me neither one is fun and both are very hurtful. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 15, 2007 Share Posted February 15, 2007 Emotional cheating is often just as bad as physically cheating.. I've been on the other side of "emotional cheating" and been physically cheated on, believe me neither one is fun and both are very hurtful. Yes, I agree that someone acting inconsistently with a commitment - whether by lying or by pretending to be single to a member of the opposite sex, etc can be very hurtful - I just don't prefer to call it cheating/adultery which I reserve for sexual contact with another person. In my view once you lump it all together as "cheating" it gets too vague. I don't think it's necessary to call it cheating - if someone is getting emotionally involved with another person in a way that you believe is inconsistent with a commitment I think it's better to discuss those specific actions and why it upsets you rather than calling it 'cheating." Link to comment
Hope75 Posted February 15, 2007 Share Posted February 15, 2007 I agree. Cheating is having sex or sexual contact with someone who is not your partner. But just because it's not cheating doesn't mean the behavior in question is consistent with a committed relationship - as defined by the couple. I don't believe that "emotional cheating" is the same as cheating or adultery. I do think people use that term because it is volatile and because it sweeps in so much behavior and labels it "cheating." I agree with this statement. While I do not consider it cheating, if it is in violation of considerations and ground rules that you as a couple established together it is still hurtful and disrespectful-- but that depends on what you both discussed and agreed to. Had you talked about this before and agreed that he would not view porn? What of this friendship you are talking about? Link to comment
Mythical_Suicide Posted February 15, 2007 Share Posted February 15, 2007 Under the circumstances you described about the porn and you giving birth I would be extremely tee'd off and would give him apiece of my mind. I'm not sure if i'd constitue that as cheating but its definitely wrong. Same with the friend, what kind of pictures did they send? Link to comment
Mythical_Suicide Posted February 15, 2007 Share Posted February 15, 2007 Yes, I agree that someone acting inconsistently with a commitment - whether by lying or by pretending to be single to a member of the opposite sex, etc can be very hurtful - I just don't prefer to call it cheating/adultery which I reserve for sexual contact with another person. In my view once you lump it all together as "cheating" it gets too vague. I don't think it's necessary to call it cheating - if someone is getting emotionally involved with another person in a way that you believe is inconsistent with a commitment I think it's better to discuss those specific actions and why it upsets you rather than calling it 'cheating." My views on emotional cheating is IE, sex talk with another person who isn't the gf/bf.. to me its the same thing just without the actual sexual intercourse. IMO, getting emotionally involved with someone else behind your partner's back is cheating. Why should it be any different than them sleeping together? If they want to get all emotional and have feelings towards another person then they should end the relationship unless agree'd by all parties that it's okay. Anyway, getting offtopic.. sorry about that. I'm just very touchy towards that subject as my bf and I have touched these grounds previously in our relationship. Link to comment
Hope75 Posted February 15, 2007 Share Posted February 15, 2007 I got on the computer a month ago today to find my husband has sent his picture to some one that works in another store to him...she has sent hers back... He did the same thing 4 days before we got married...when he did it the first time I asked him not to do it again and he promised me he wouldn't. I also found a porn picture downloaded on the 30th of december, I had given birth that morning and he was looking at porn that night, from the word go there has been a rule in my house NO PORN. The computer is used by the children! What did he have to say about the pictures he exchanged with the woman from work? Was there any conversation with it? What about the ones before you got married? About the NO PORN rule... is that something that he agreed to with you? Link to comment
melrich Posted February 15, 2007 Share Posted February 15, 2007 I got on the computer a month ago today to find my husband has sent his picture to some one that works in another store to him...she has sent hers back... That's hard to interpret. I mean one way of looking at it is he's been working with her a long time, phone contact etc and he just wanted to know what she looked like (I've had that experience myself). You could also read something more sinister into it. I also found a porn picture downloaded on the 30th of december, I had given birth that morning and he was looking at porn that night Bad timing. Probably opportunistic (you weren't home that night). Only you can really decide how big an issue that is for you. It's not cheating. It's potentially deceptive, it's probably in most eyes disrespectful, personally I don't think it's a capital offence. Link to comment
Mythical_Suicide Posted February 15, 2007 Share Posted February 15, 2007 personally I don't think it's a capital offence. So, no death penalty? .. sorry, but really being serious now, What he did was wrong and deceptive but he was honest about it you can't hold the man accountable for being honest as he could have lied about it completely. As for the female, if it's just everyday chat and everyday pictures the only problem I see is he isn't being compeltely forthcoming with information, it isn't cheating but it is wrong. Seems he has more issues than is being let on with the relationship. How long have you guys been together/married? Link to comment
insofar Posted February 15, 2007 Share Posted February 15, 2007 I don't think downloading porn is cheating. It's deceptive, if he's said he wouldn't do it. However, if he hasn't said that, or you've just said NO PORN EVER to him, you can be mad, but you certainly can't expect to control him. Sending pictures to / from a female coworker, well, it would depend on the kind of pictures. Obviously if they're nude or provocative, yeah, but otherwise... eh. Borderline. My guess is that, with respect to the porn, he simply disagrees in his mind with your assessment of it. He doesn't see it as cheating on you, but tells you he won't do it again simply to keep the peace. Do with that what you will. Link to comment
Hope75 Posted February 15, 2007 Share Posted February 15, 2007 I'm not excusing his behavior but I wonder if with you just having baby if he felt overwhelmed that responsibility and had a moment of panic and that what he was talking about. Do you think that's possible? Had you been having problems before the baby was born? Is this your first? Link to comment
shikashika Posted February 15, 2007 Share Posted February 15, 2007 I think it really depends... The person who demands that their partner doesn't do this or that.. may be the one with issues themselves. Asking someone to not look at porn or not be friends with someone isn't asking them to compromise or 'you'll obey me if you love me', its asking them to stop what they like doing. What that person is doing is asking them to agree with them. Just as someone may not like their partner looking at porn.. that partner may think" if she/he loves me they will let me look at porn... or they will let me be friends with Joe or Jane. While one person may feel like their partner is disrespecting them by looking at porn and consider it cheating, and wouldn't do it if they love them.. the person who enjoys looking at porn may feel that their partner doesn't love them because they ar making them stop doing something they enjoy. Link to comment
Northalius Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 A few questions... Do you think if your partner looks at porn (and hides it) knowing you DO NOT LIKE IT is a form of cheating? Do you think hiding your friendship with someone(No matter how innocent) is cheating? Yes. and... Yes. Whatever you hide from someone that you know they do not like, and you know is unhealthy for the relationship, is cheating. If the friendship was so innocent, there'd be no reason to hide it! thereforeeee, if they hide it, it's not so innocent, after all! Lusting after someone else, whether on the streets, on the computer, or in a magazine, while you're with someone in a relationship, is mental cheating. Link to comment
RootsAndWings Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 my fiance' looks at porn, gets Maxim and Playboy delivered to the house. although discreet (meaning the kids don't see it)... I have confronted him about it from time to time.. He has downloaded a few porn videos off of the internet, etc.... his response is "Every man looks at some form of porn. I've been looking at porn since before I met you. YOU need to accept it". Honestly, if you look at my other post, we have so many issues. I feel it is cheating in a sense that he should be LOOKING AT ME. Now don't get me wrong, I find many men attractive, but I am not out looking at Playgirl, ya know. I feel for you. I am in THE SAME BOAT.. alone... with no paddle.... Link to comment
FallenAngel00 Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 PORNO is NOT cheating in any way shape or form. Men are completely visual beings and have a larger sex drive hormone then women... Pornography is a way for men to release this drive... Alot of women See pornography as a "threat" to them. It really isnt at all... they aren't looking at porno thinking "id really like to get to know that girl" or "she is probably alot of fun to hang out with".... they are just thinking that she has a nice body. Dont blame your man... blame the media. It is the media afterall who decided who and what was beautiful. Would you be jealous of your man watching ponography of women you thougth were unattractive? probably not right... well just keep that in mind. I am not comfortable at all with pornography... but at the same time, i realize that it is just a natural thing for men to want to watch. As a woman, i will never fully understand. My boyfriend knows that i dont like it... so he doesnt watch it in front of me, and doesnt leave porno lying around our house. Link to comment
Sheeps Posted February 18, 2007 Share Posted February 18, 2007 A few questions... Do you think if your partner looks at porn (and hides it) knowing you DO NOT LIKE IT is a form of cheating? Do you think hiding your friendship with someone(No matter how innocent) is cheating? Answer: No and No (provided innocent). Dont sweat the small stuff in life. Make the most of the relationship and celebrate having a small life to look after - congratulations on the birth of your child Link to comment
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