I want him to want me back/Mixed Messages

[Dal]

Hey guys,

 

So my boyfriend dropped a bomb on me about a month ago and said that he couldn't be in a relationship right now. We had been dating for 9 months and had no major problems. Just a month before that, we were vacationing together and it was all smiles. But a month later, I got every cliche thrown at me, from him saying that he wants space, that he's not sure if he can commit right now, to saying he doesn't feel the same way about me as before. And it's not like he had expressed any of this before--it was a total shocker. Trust me, my friends were floored. And *he* was the one that always talked about the future and wanting to always be with me.

 

The situation now is that while he wants his space, he's not taking it. I'll give a few examples for you guys to interpret. He's always either e-mailing me or text-messaging me on his cell. Meaning, we don't go 3 days without him making contact. Now, I like it because it shows he's thinking about me, but I'm getting mixed messages. I'm often his 1st e-mail of the day, with him asking me how my day is going, what I had for breakfast, etc. He even texted me at 1:45 a.m. last Saturday saying how his weekend sucked and how next year he wants to go to the beach. A week and a half after he broke up with me, he sent me an e-mail detailing his schedule and asking if I'd want to get together a few times next week to do some summer activities we had originally planned on doing. Anyway, I stalled until I agreed to dinner one night. We had a really great time and he kept making future plans, such as shopping trips we need to take, outtings to the museum, coming over to my place to fix my computer, etc. When he walked me to the bus, he gave me a big hug and said, "Let's see each other again soon, ok?" What am I supposed to think about all this? Since then, the constant e-mails have continued. I want him to want me back, so I'm confused as to what to do, especially with all these mixed messages.

[persephonesleeps]

maybe he is developing deep feelings for you, but is a little scared

if you love him, maybe try to be patient for awhile

go with the flow, if it's not driving you nuts!

 

btw...are u 2 still intimate???

[Dal]

We've only seen each other once since the break-up, and we haven't been intimate. I'm sure if we saw each other more often, then one thing could lead to the next. We're still attracted to each other, after all. In terms of him developing deep feelings for me, well, we had that! So I'm not sure what to make of it all. I mean, I'm sure he misses me, but if he's the one who didn't want to be with me anymore, then why is he the one that is always making contact and asking to get together? I want to balance acting it cool with wanting him to want miss me.

[reborn]

Hi Dal,

My last relationship...the one who after being dumped for good brought me to this website LOL taught me a lot about coming back after breakups. Since we broke up 3 times before that. From all the signs that your bf is giving I can tellyou that he will probably be back soon.

I guy that keeps contant contact with you as he has has not forgotten you and has not been able to take you out of their life. So trust that and chill. What he did was painful and anoying, and how dare him dump you! And it is painful he decided to put space between you. After doing tons of reading on realtionship matters it is perfectly normal for people to go through episodes such as this one around one year of relatinship. I would hightly recomend to you the Mars Venus on a date book. He talks about people going through an uncertainty stage and how to better respond. Buy the book. Order it if you don´t have it in your bookstore. It sounds like what is happening to your bf. This is a good tool to help you better undertand him, and relax about this whole thing so you may resume you lovely relationship soon.

Keep acting the way you are acting Dal. Keep calm, receptive but not persuing. You are doing great!!!! REally, really great. And do not be discouraged about his behaviour in the sense that you feel he doens´t love you. I am not inside him but his actions are tell tale sings he does. Believe-when they ask for space and they don´t love you they don´t contact you all the time. In fact the completely ignore you and seem to want nothing to do with you, and certainly don´t make future plans with you.

You may lots of advice on this website. Íf I were you and I loved this man and had clear that I wanted to be with him, I will just keep a very open and positive mind.I will keep acting like you have been acting and just chill and let him come back around. I think it is just a matter of time by the sounds of things. Buy that book you won´t regret it.

-Reborn

[chedchase]

Dal.

 

The first thing I would tell you is that I think every guy goes through this with a girl they love. I know I did (am) and I have seen similar posts that tell me this is a common thing for us guys.

 

He wants to be with you, but I think he caught himself thinking too much with his head and acting with his heart. He's a afraid of the committment, wants to be sure you are really the "one", isn't sure where his life and your life are going to lead each other and if that would put space between you two-which would lead to heart brake and ache. All of these things are normal I would imagine. So, that leaves you in a tough situation doesn't it?

 

Actually, the ball is in your court Dal. When a relationship escalates to a much more serious level, we tend to fear falling head over heals for a girl that eventually could break our heart. My thought is that he's been heart broken before, and we all know that isn't a great feeling. He's worried about having that again. You can take full control of the situation though.

 

He told you he wanted his space. But invites you to go to dinner with him. He broke up with you, but now wants to see you more. You can see that he's just as confused as you are, but when it comes down to it, it's clear that he wants to be with you.

 

What you do now is one of two things.

1) you wait for him to ask you out for dinner and you come out and ask him truthfully what he is feeling and how you should interpret all these e-mails and text messages that he wants to see you, etc.. Tell him exactly how you feel and he'll open up to you. Truth is the best policy.

 

2) Next time he e-mails you and writes his whole schedule out (he wouldn't do that by the way, unless he wanted you to be thinking of him--that's a guy secret!), ignore it. Don't respond for a day...hide out and see how he responds. Hey, he wanted his space and if he asks you why you aren't responding tell him that you thought this is what he wanted...and then bring up the truth part. Tell him that you can't stay confused and wondering when you two go out what he is thinking, why he wanted his space if he is spending time with you, etc..

 

It's not fair to keep you in the dark! I learned that the hard way, which is why I wrote the letter to my ex telling her how I felt. But, to be honest...it took her to put space between us for me to realize that letting her go was not an option and I needed to try and save us.

 

He wants to be with you. He is thinking way too much and needs some reassurance from you and if you took the bull by the horns, you watch, he'll come back. The one major mistake we all make is thinking that men and women think the same way, as time goes on and I have more experiences in my life, I realize that we think completely different. Openness and honesty is the best cure for clearing that hurdle.

 

Good luck, please let me know how things go....I'll keep you updated on my situaton as well.

 

 

Ched.

[fruitapus]

moved message

[Dal]

Hi Reborn,

 

Thanks for the support! Your words are very kind. You're right, he's definitely going through an uncertainty stage right now, and we were indeed inching toward that 1 year mark which may seem scary to people. I am trying to keep an open and positive mind, as you said, and acting cool when he communicates with me, but it's so hard. It's hard because I'm always wondering how much he's thinking about me and if there's any hope that we'll rekindle things.

 

I'm often his first e-mail of the day, and he still sends me cute text messages, so it's clear I'm on his mind. So of course, then I wonder, why aren't we together? I know he needs his space, so I'm giving it to him, but I also have to decide how long I'll keep holding out hope that things will be change between the two of us. I'm concerned that not pursuing him may be an error on my part and that he, in fact, needs reassurance as to how much I really love him. So that's what my dilemma is now. Any thoughts? In the meantime, I'll take it one day at a time and await future communication with him.

 

~Dal

[Dal]

Hi Ched,

 

It's amazing how much insight you seem to have into my situation from just the brief overview that I posted. So many of the things you wrote are exactly what my boyfriend expressed to me. To start off, he is definitely thinking way too much about things. One of the first things you mentioned is how he's afraid of commitment, and that is exactly how he started all of this talk about taking time apart. He totally mentioned the part about making sure I am "the one" and how he doesn't want to have doubts and go deeper into a relationship that will lead to hurting one person or the other further down the line. Your words were so similar to his that it's scary. And just like you mentioned, he's afraid of a broken heart.

 

You say the ball is in my court, but is it really? After all, he's the one who broke up with me. I'll tell you my main dilemma right now and why I'm torn: on the one hand, I want to play it cool, give him his space, and have him come back (if that will ever happen) when he's ready; but on the other hand, I have a gut feeling that he's waiting for a dramatic response on my part where I tell him how in love with him I am and how I should have expressed this more and how much I miss him and can't stand to be apart from him. I can't help but think a main part of why he broke things off is because he didn't see this devotion on my part. I can give you several examples as to why I think this (perhaps in a separate post or PM). So what should I do? Should I give him his space and time away from the relationship, or tell him flat out how much I adore him and want to be with him? I don't want to make him defensive either way, so I'm walking a fine line. Any thoughts?

 

So you really think he still wants to be with me but is unsure? The guy opinion truly helps here. He still e-mails and texts me consistently, but I don't want to read too much into them, unless you think I should. Maybe I should just take the communication he has with me for face value and a result of him missing me and nothing else (such as wanting to rekindle things). I'm just so confused and just miss him so damn much...

 

~Dal

[Nifty_Swifty1]

Dal

 

I was the guy at one point in my life, so I might be able to help a bit. Things might not be the same, so all that im going to do is say what hapened to me and if it fits you can take it how you want. In my case I was compleaty taken by my girlfriend, but wasn't getting the feedback from her that I needed to still my mind. I was always fearing that she was one wrong move from leaving me. I couldn't take those thoughts no mater how irational I knew they were so to try and protect myself, but quickly found out that it didn't help at all. I found myself finding ways to be around Lidsey to see if I could get her back. I had been the one that was wrong, so all that I could do was make myself available and hope she would pick it up from there. It would have been easer to just be straight forward, but since I know that I probably hurt her I could make my self do it that way. I had to make shure it was her desishion to be with me.

 

If thats the way things seem to be, then my advice is to slowley move back his way so to speek, and once you're back together don't let a day go by that he isn't absoutly convinced that you're equaly as smiten with him as he is with you.

 

I hope I was helpful, but chances are that it's a compleatly difrent situation.

[Dal]

Hello Nifty Swifty,

 

I think you are completely right on and that our situations are very similar. It was amazing reading your post because those are the exact thoughts that have been crossing my mind lately. Please check out my subsequent post at link removed . This will give you a run-down of my present thoughts.

 

If you can read my later post, that would be great, but to re-cap, I'm thinking of getting together with him and just tell him how much I miss him and am in love with him. I will make it very clear that I expect no response from him, but that I just want to express those feelings to him, since I feel I have done a poor job of expressing them in the past.

 

I really do think that he always thought he was more into me that I was into him and that I would be the one to break up with him. I think in order to prevent future hurt on his part, he cut the cord himself. But just to add (and it's in the later post), *he* has been the one who has been consistently e-mailing me, texting me, and suggesting get-togethers since the break up. No more than 2 days go by (usually just 1) when I don't hear from him. Usually asking me how I'm doing and updating me on his life. So any new thoughts? Should I go through with the above and strongly express how in love I am?

 

~Dal