First fight :( Really harsh.

[maryale]

Background I've been with my boyfriend for about 1 month and 2 weeks already and I really really like him a lot, and I feel he's different than other guys I've dated.

I'm not the greatest girlfriend at all, well, I suck being a girlfriend. I suck at it because I usually become paranoid, full of doubt and fear. I usually get scared that I open myself completely to that person and get hurt and broken hearted. So, most of the time I form this 'wall' and start controlling my feelings, not showing my feelings, hiding my feelings. I start to push people back, especially my boyfriend and start having negative thoughts about not expecting too much, just to avoid getting really hurt if I get hurt.

 

This whole 'mechanism' makes me be a really bad girlfriend, because I've being selfish, because I don't show him anything, any feeling towards him. I never call him even if I'm dying to call him. I never look for him even if I'm dying to be with him. I act really indifferent as I didn't care of anyone or anything.. I really hate being like this because I really want to open myself completely to my boyfriend. I want him to feel the same things I feel when he's lovable and when he calls me and stuff with me.

 

So, I've talked to him about this and he tells me he likes me anyway and he hopes I can change over time with him and open myself completely with him. He told me someday I was going to change whether it was with him or with other guy, but that he wishes it was with him. I've been wanting to change, I feel I can change with him and I want to change with him and not be afraid of feeling more.

 

The Fight After one month of being together, not having one single fight because we get along really fine and have an amazing communication, the first fight took place this Saturday.

 

He knows it's hard for me to call him with my whole mechanism and stuff. I was drunk and I called him (it's like the 3rd time ever I've call him) and told him to crash to my friend's place. It was 11:00pm, he told me he'll be there. He NEVER showed up.

I'm 18 years old and he's 18, too. He knows exactly that my parents let me out until 3am, he knows that because he always leaves me at home at 3:00am, every single weekend.

He had few hours to even call me and tell me he won't arrive, but he didn't, instead he called me at 3am exactly and ask me where I was ( * * *? he knows I'm home at that time), I was drunk and upset, and my mechanism was on, so I acted as I didn't care but he noticed I was upset.

He asks me "Did you miss me tonight?"

and I answer him "Whatever"

he tells me "I did miss you tonight".

Those are words, words, words, not actions and that doesn't fill my heart.

I was like "okay, whatever"

Then he tells me "What do you want to do tomorrow? We could watch movies and drink some wine."

This really got me upset, he knows he didn't show up and he started acting like everything was perfectly fine, so I told him "I dont know, talk to you tomorrow" and I hang up.

 

So, I woke up yesturday, still feeling mad and upset. He gets online and he tells me "Hello". I know when something's wrong when he says "Hello", he usually calls me names when he says hello. Anyway, I didn't even want to talk to him, not even see him. He was telling me to go to his place but I really didn't feel like it. So I told him, I didn't want to do anything because I wasn't in the mood. That was at 2pm.

 

At 11pm, he gets online again. We started talking. I was much more UPSET NOW, because my sister told me he had talk to her and he told my sister I was having this little baby attitude. Maybe I was, but it was because I was UPSET, and I didn't really felt like talking to him.

 

So, I was relaxing, trying to talk things out with him--

Him: I don't like this

Me: What?

Him: Us, fighting. We don't fight.

Me: Yes, I thought that too.

Him: I don't really enjoy this situation.

Me: Me neither

Him: May I ask you what's the main reason we're fighting?

Me: Ok, I'll be honest. I really don't care if you want to hang out with your friends. I won't die if I don't see you one day, or two, or three, or even more. But if that happens, don't tell me you'll crash at the place I am, if you're not going to. And, don't call me at 3am, the time you know exactly I'm already home to ask me if I'm still at my friend's place for you to arrive because you want to see me, in that case, don't call me at all.

Him: Yes, I know I screwed up. I had plan to go there, and I was going to, really, but I got really drunk and I never arrived. But this isn't the big deal, it isn't the end of the world, not even a good reason for you to get all upset and act as a little child about this.

Me: What? it is for me!! I got really upset, so what? It would be better if you could just told me you were going to stay with your friends. At leats I would have done another thing rather that stay at my friend's waiting for you. I shouldn't have call you in the first place, I only called you because I was drunk.

Him: (in a sarcastic way) If you really regret calling me, I'm sorry, man. Next time try not to call me so much and you won't feel that bad as you're feeling. You don't even call at all, you prefer calling other people than me, but that's okay, I dont ****ing care, I do the same.

Me: As if it was so hard not calling you.

Him: What? you're saying it's easier if you don't call me.

Me: I never call you, sorry for being such a b*tch, but it's true. If I was sober on Saturday I wouldn't have call you at all, or do I sometime? The only time I call you, you don't arrive.

Him: You know you told me you won't talk to me when you're uspet because it doesn't solve anything, well, now I'm the one upset and I don't want to talk to you, so talk to you some other time.

Me: Fine.

 

I know I was totally harsh, I shouldn't have tell him the stuff I said, but I was really upset. I guess, he has all the right to be mad at me now.

 

After that, I felt really bad and text msged him, telling him: "I'm sorry for expressing myself like that, I didn't mean it, I was just really upset. I know that what you did on Saturday isn't the big deal, but I guess it was for me. I knew that If I talk to you, we would get into a bigger fight, and I was right. I guess the reason I got so upset was because I finally felt I could open myself with you and change, and I wanted to be with you and you never arrived. I guess you had your reasons for not arriving. I just don't want to be like this with you, and I'm sorry for being so rude."

 

and I haven't got any response from him since then. I know I screwed up really bad. I feel terrible for this, and I like him a lot and I want things to go back to normal. I really don't want things to get out of hands and break up. I guess it's his choice now, I don't know what more to do. I apologized already and I'm waiting for him to talk to me again.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

To be honest, if you break up over this it may be for the best - beacuse you really shouldnt be having rather daft arguments at this early stage!

 

I say - do nothing for now. You've contacted him, you apologised. The ball is in his court, but I don't have a whole lot of faith you two can be reconciled.

[Batya33]

Sounds like you need to choose whether you want a relationship with alcohol or a relationship with a man.

[Meow18]

If you want to be in a relationship, you have to open yourself up. It's ok to be afraid of being hurt. But if you are so scared that you can't show someone else that you care, how can you expect for them to be able to care for you?

 

Honestly, based on that alone, I would say you are not ready to be in a relationship.

 

As for the argument, you both said hurtful things that niether of you meant. And that's not good this early on. Actually, it's not good no matter how long you are together, but these are the months that you are supposed to want to talk to each other and call each other and see each other. It's ok to still make time for friends, but it's not ok to be afraid to call each other and just start a relationship together.

[Rabican]

my advice to you is to stop acting like Miss Bad Girlfriend. Just do what you WANT to do. want to call him? Do it. Quit playing games. No wonder you keep getting hurt, no guy wants to deal with that crap.

 

You are setting yourself up to get hurt at least a little bit, a lot of times because you are afraid to take a chance, and maybe... maybe get hurt worse later. Doesnt make any sense.