Getting over the lies.

[Soylent Green]

I always hear women complaining about how all guys lie. Well, in my experience, women lie just as much or even more than men.

I was going out with a girl for about four months. Everything was going pretty well until one day, out of the blue, she says that she never really wanted a serious relationship and just wanted someone to date. She said a lot of mean things and we broke up. But her main argument was that she had gotten out of a serious relationship a short while before we started going out and that she wasn't ready for a serious relationship. This was all about a month ago.

Today I find out that she's now in a serious relationship with another guy. So, it wasn't that she didn't want to be in a relationship, she just didn't want to be in a relationship WITH ME. A little honesty would have been nice.

I'm very tired of women lying to me. I'd really like to know why women lie so much.

[annie24]

well, like you said, it's not just women, it's men. it's everyone! some people lie, others are just confused. hm. there seems to be a lot of confusion in dating. A lot of people give the "i don't want a serious relationship" line, only to be engaged to someone new 3 months later. Maybe she did mean it at the time, but she changed her mind when she met someone new. that happens too....

[Soylent Green]

Doesn't do me a whole lot of good.

[annie24]

oh, I think there is a line people walk when breaking up. they may not want to be totally honest and it is sometimes easier to give a whole bunch of stuff like, "I am going through something right now, can't handle a relationship, i have feelings of abandonment stemming from childhood" and all sorts of other psycho-babble. but, I think they may be trying to let you down easier than by saying, "yeah, I just don't like you anymore. i don't want to have sex with you the rest of my life. and I want to start dating that new guy at my gym."

 

haven't you ever lied, or not told a woman you were breaking up with the whole story?

[Soylent Green]

Nope. I've never done that.

[caro33]

So, it wasn't that she didn't want to be in a relationship, she just didn't want to be in a relationship WITH ME.

 

Love your name Soylent.

 

Your quote above is painful to you, I'm sure, but I think it's the one real thing anyone means when they break off a relationship. I may be being simplistic, but I tend to think that most things early in a relationship can be overcome if the parties want to be with one another enough. So ending it always means they weren't into you enough.

 

But this isn't just women. I swear there was a "why do men lie so much" thread just like yours a few weeks ago. A woman was hurt just like you.

 

The fact is that women and men both enter into relationships they are sometimes not sure of, or people change their minds. It happens to most of us, and some, like me, get it several times. Saying "I don't want a relationship" ALWAYS means "I don't want one with you" because they broke up with you didn't they?

 

And I think that while it feels relevant, it doesn't actually make any difference what they do once they've left, the leaving is the "fact" to deal with. That's hard enough!

 

Are women lying to you a lot? What's been your experience besides this relationship you mention? Maybe you've just had bad luck, but maybe we can help you in some way for the future.

[annie24]

hmmm... I have just done that 3 times in the last month. A few guys online asked me out and I turned them down, for different reasons. For all of them, I gave part of the truth, just not that whole truth. I don't know, at this stage, i didn't feel like any of the deserved the entire reason. I gave them enough of a reason on it's own to justify turning them down for the dates.

 

For example, I told one guy he lived too far away. Yes, that was true, but in addition, i just wasn't too interested in him. If i felt more chemistry towards him, I would I have met him even if he lived too far? possibly. But I just felt like telling him that he lived too far away, rather than telling him I wasn't so interested. I didn't want to make him feel bad about himself, like he did something wrong, because he didn't. I just wasn't interested.

[Soylent Green]

I agree that everything you guys are saying is true. It just doesn't change the fact that no one wants me. And I guess that's what's bothering me.

[caro33]

Awwhhh! Come on, someone wants you. They really do.

 

Have a wallow now if you must, but please do whatever you can to pick yourself up tomorrow and feel better about yourself. Of course someone wants you - heaps of them will want you, your mission is to get out there and enjoy yourself until you meet one you want who hopefully wants you back.

 

Maybe you've just been misreading signs to this point, or made some bad choices. Maybe you've had some bad luck. We all have drought periods too.

[Soylent Green]

Maybe you've had some bad luck. We all have drought periods too.

 

If I didn't have bad luck, I'd have no luck at all.

I think all of the awfulness of my romantic life up to this point cannot be written off as simply bad luck. I feel like it's a sign, an indicator of something deeper about me. Basic laws of statistics would imply that if all that has happened to me is "bad luck", my luck should have changed by now. So I don't think my numerous failed relationships with women who have hurt me, my divorce, and my continuing dating woes are attributable to bad luck. I might well have been designed to be unlovable. It's a legitimate fear I have.

[caro33]

Well Soylent what do you think you are doing wrong? I have to assume you are not unloveable. I recognise it's a fear of yours but I don't accept it as fact. I felt the same way I have to admit, and it all ended up working out for me.

 

Have you made some poor choices in women? How would you characterise your choices?

What types of compatability are most important to you?

What has been said to you in the past about your attitude or approach?

 

I am not asking you for answers, but some reflection on the above might help you see a way through. What do you think? Isn't it better to find the problem and fix it than to believe yourself fundamentally flawed?

[CarnelianButterfly]

This was all about a month ago.

Today I find out that she's now in a serious relationship with another guy.

If its only been a month I don't think you can call it serious. Besides how do you know if its serious?

 

You're not dating her her new relationship is nothing to you. She's out of your life, be happy you're free of her.

[nomoretears4uboo]

I feel the same way with the honesty thing. My ex did this to me 2 weeks ago. Claimed he never wanted one from the start, wanted to get his finances in order, blah blah blah! WHAT DOES HE DO? He gets into another relationship the same day we brake up or as he said "he made it official the day we broke up".

 

Everything would've been better, if he would've been honest. Just like your ex should've been with you. But, yet some people lie. Maybe, we will find someone honest..... i still have hope.

[heloladies21]

So, it wasn't that she didn't want to be in a relationship, she just didn't want to be in a relationship WITH ME. A little honesty would have been nice.

I'm very tired of women lying to me. I'd really like to know why women lie so much.

It's good that you came to the realization that what she said was a lie, but it's important to understand the reason why she said it. She just didn't want to feel guilty for dumping you and telling you that you weren't good enough for her. But don't take it personal and don't get upset, just understand the reason why things are the way they are. Like if a girl says something to me like "let's just be friends", I don't get upset or pissed that she's lying to me or not being 100% honest or ginuine (which she obviously isn't), I just hear "I'm not interested in you" and let things be. I will analyze what I did wrong and what I could do better next time, but I understand that she's just doing what she has to do and it's on an instinctual level so it can't be changed anyways.

 

Don't get upset, shift the locus of control. You are 100% in control of the way your life turns out and if things aren't going the way you want it to, then you have the power to change it. Learning how to attract and keep girls is a very learnable and active process which involves no luck at all. Keep trying, but instead of trying harder try different. Check out some of these sites for great info:

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[Eileen101]

You have to remember that people will lie at times when they feel that they have no other alternative as well. Do you think that she didn't feel that she "could" be honest with you. Sometimes we make people feel intimitaded or uneasy about being totally honest with them. Just food for thought.