I think she wants me to propose. What do I do?

[zrehman]

I'll make this as short as possible.

 

I'm from NY and in January I came to the Caribbean to start Med School (16 months). I have my gf back home and we have dated for one year and are completely in love. When I came to the island, a week later, my gf told me on the phone that she was really upset that I didn't propose to her before I left. I didn't know what to say, but that I was sorry. Than a month a few days later, I spoke to her and she told me that she is confused and frustrated and having doubts about me and her. She told me that I did nothing wrong and she needs time to self reflect. But, she wants EVERYTHING to be the same except for the label of bf/gf. Me and her always used to talk about marriage and a life together. She is still coming in to see me in March and she still wants me to meet her mother in April when I come home for 2 weeks. I talked to my brother and he told me that this happens to everyone when they come to the islands. Their gf back home, wants a commitment from them, not just telling them that you will marry, but they want a sense of securtity, a proposal. My brother told me that she wants me to propose to her, because she wants that feeling of security from me. My gf told me herself today that she has doubts if I will choose to be with her when I come back. And she mentioned again today that if I had proposed to her than things would be different and it would have showed in my actions that I really was ready to commit. My brother tells me that she is doing this "act" of time reflection because she wants me to figure out that I need to propose and move this relationship to the next level.

 

Any insight?

[DN]

Do you want to marry her?

 

If you do then you maybe you should propose. But don't do it unless you are sure you want to be with her.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Being that I am an insecure person, I guess I'd be asking her if she's seeing someone or having doubts because of something SHE'S going thru....

 

But more likely I suppose its like your brother said... She's prolly thinking you're experiencing a whole life and world outside of her now and that it will definitely change you - which means to her it could change how you feel towards her.

 

Assure her it won't - if you feel it won't - but I don't reccommend proposing if you're not ready for that yet. But tell her that as well.

[zrehman]

I am a Med school student and I don't work. So I thought, that I would have to get "The" diamond ring to propose to her. My gf told me in November that her sister's bf proposed to her and he didn't get her a diamond ring. My brother also told me that you don't need to propose with a diamond ring, but it should be a good ring. And if I knew that, I would have proposed to her before I left, I definitley wanted to do that, but I thought again you need THE RING.

 

So do you think that she really wants that commitment from me and she is just frustrated and confused that I didn't propose to her?

[BetterKarma]

I think she's afraid that you're so far away and experiencing new things that you will eventually find someone better. She doesn't want to "wait" for you if you never had the intention of marrying her.

 

Sounds like you are ready and willing to propose to her. Why not propose to her over the phone to give her reassurance of your intentions and then when you go back home in April, buy a ring (not neccessarily an expensive one) and do a real proposal.

[zrehman]

"She doesn't want to "wait" for you if you never had the intention of marrying her."

What do you mean by this??

 

So you do think that she does want me to propose? She is coming on March 7th - 20th to see me, I already reserved a resort for the weekend for me and her. I was thinking about proposing to her there. I can get the ring here on the island. What do you think?

[BetterKarma]

What I meant is, well, you'll be in Med school for a long time and she will be thousands of miles away. You two will not be able to see each other all the time like you use to. I think she just wants to know that you want to marry her in order for her to wait for you to finish Med school and being apart for so long. I hope that makes sense.

 

I think she wants you to propose, otherwise she wouldn't have been so upset that you didn't prospose before you left.

 

I think your plans sound wonderfully romantic. However, make sure you're proposing not because of the pressure to propose but because this is what you want.

[zrehman]

I do want to propose, and I do want her in my life forever. I don't feel pressured by it at all. I just hope that if I do this, that she will have some ease in her mind.

 

Why doesn't she just tell me she wants me to propose??

 

AIM : rezurrekta

[AwdreeHpburn]

zrehman -

 

I think you should propose if that's where you two are heading! Don't stress and worry so much about the ring. Maybe you two can pick on out together when you get back to the states. Surely they'll be a time in your future when you will be able to get her a nice ring - I have a feeling she'll be OK without one for the time being - if it needs explanation - give her the "have no money right now" explanation....

 

I'd personally be OK with that.....

[Siriana]

So you wanted to propose her?

But you didn't propose her because you have no money for a ring?

Who cares about the diamond ring?!

Who cares about ring being expencive?!

Thats commercials trying to persuade you to spend tons of money on it!

 

Unless you wanted to be more finantially secure before being engaged - not only having expencive ring.

 

Whatever you have on your mind about that - tell her.

If you want to get engaged, really want to, but you're affraid cheap ring woan't be good tell her that.

If you want to get engaged later when you're more finantialy secure, tell her that.

If you don't want to get engaged at all tell her that.

 

Don't play games - I am hoping she's not doing that either.

So be honest with her, have a talk and than see what she has to say about that "not being bf/gf but everything else is the same" weird stuff.

That kind of arrangment leads nowhere.

[zrehman]

I feel like she doesn't want the "bf/gf" label because she has had that all the time in her past relationships and all the other bf's who told her how they loved her and wanted to marry her, but never showed it by proposing and instead decided to dump her or cheat on her. She never broke up with any of her bf's, they all broke up with her or ended up cheating on her.

 

I feel like she is tired of the bf/gf phase and wants to move into the fiance phase.

[BetterKarma]

Why doesn't she just tell me she wants me to propose??

 

LOL...this is a typical "guy" question. "Why doesn't she just tell me??"

 

Women don't want to "force" you to do things because then it wouldn't feel special. Just like when a guy doesn't do anything for Valentine's Day and then his girlfriend gets upset because he didn't do anything. But his defense is "Why didn't you tell me you wanted to do something for Valentine's Day?!" (True story. )

[BetterKarma]

I feel like she doesn't want the "bf/gf" label because she has had that all the time in her past relationships and all the other bf's who told her how they loved her and wanted to marry her, but never showed it by proposing and instead decided to dump her or cheat on her. She never broke up with any of her bf's, they all broke up with her or ended up cheating on her.

 

I feel like she is tired of the bf/gf phase and wants to move into the fiance phase.

 

Her past definitely shows signs that she will be highly insecure in a relationship. And with you moving so far away to go to Med school, she's going to be afraid that you will cheat on her or leave her for someone else.

[zrehman]

But I feel as though her doing what she is doing now, is in a way telling me she wants me to propose. But why does she do it in that way, and not tell me instead. Does she want me to figure it on my own, and surprise her. Cause I know that she told me that when she is going to get engaged, she doesn't want to know and wants it to be a surprise.

[zrehman]

Her past definitely shows signs that she will be highly insecure in a relationship. And with you moving so far away to go to Med school, she's going to be afraid that you will cheat on her or leave her for someone else.

 

So you think thats what she doesn't want to be bf/gf, wants everything to be the same... She wants the finace label?

[BetterKarma]

But I feel as though her doing what she is doing now, is in a way telling me she wants me to propose. But why does she do it in that way, and not tell me instead. Does she want me to figure it on my own, and surprise her. Cause I know that she told me that when she is going to get engaged, she doesn't want to know and wants it to be a surprise.

 

 

You just answered your own question.

[BetterKarma]

So you think thats what she doesn't want to be bf/gf, wants everything to be the same... She wants the finace label?

 

She wants more security in the relationship. Maybe being engage makes her feel more secure.

[zrehman]

You just answered your own question.

 

So her doing this, telling me that she needs time to self reflect is her way of telling me that she is not happy with us where we are, and wants me to propose?

[zrehman]

You just answered your own question.

 

She wants more security in the relationship. Maybe being engage makes her feel more secure.

 

Is that how women feel when they are engaged?

[Parsley]

I think it would make anyone feel more secure. If it were me, I'd been with the guy for a decent amount of a time and he proposed I'd feel so loved and definitely secure.

 

On the note about the ring, I know plenty of people who have bought a 'cheap' ring (like, £50 or something - they may be cheaper, but they are still just as beautiful in my eyes) until they have the money to buy the kind of ring that you feel she deserves/wants. Also (not to put a downer on it) you won't have spent a fortune if this isn't what she wants. But I think it probably is.

[zrehman]

So everyone thinks so far, that the reason she is telling me she is confused and has her doubts, is because she wants a "commitment" from me, instead of me telling her that I love her and want to marry her, she wants me to actually show her through my actions aka proposing??

 

And her telling me that she needs time to herself for self discovery and spirtuality is a hint to tell me that she wants me to propose?? She also mentioned that she isn't doing this so she can date other guys, because thats not what she wants, she is doing this for herself. She told me if that were the case, she would have just told me.

[BetterKarma]

What she is doing is letting you know that she not happy with the current situation the way it is right now.

 

I think most women find that being engage secures them in the relationship because the next step is marriage.

 

Have a heart to heart talk with your girlfriend and ask her what she wants to see in the future. She will probably give you hints on what she wants. Sounds like she won't tell you exactly what she wants but she will give you hints if you listen really hard.

 

Also let her know why you didn't propose before you left and reassure her of your feelings.

[zrehman]

That sounds like a good idea. But I was thinking of just being normal with her and when she does come to see me, she won't think that I will be proposing to her, but I will completely surprise her when I do...Like I want her to not expect it at all, and when she comes, to just pop it out and see her reaction.

 

Also, how should I be with her on the phone, should I still show my interest and love since we are techinically not together. She wants me to call her later today. Any help there?

[BetterKarma]

She told you want she wants already.

 

She still wants to be with you but doesn't want the label. Be how you usually are. Don't pull away. See how she is reacting to you and you will be able to tell if she is truly still in the relationship.

[zrehman]

No, she said that she doesn't want to be in a relationship right now, because she wants time to reflect on herself. She said, everything is basically going to be the same between us except for the label.