help me, please

[amereagle]

So I'm nearly 20 and on the brink of a semi-life-crisis.

 

I'll start at the beginning.

When I was 5, both of my parents died (on the same day) in a murder/suicide situation. Dad killed mom.

Last summer, while I was overseas in school, my uncle (who I lived with for a few years when I was earlier), died. It was a horrible ordeal, and everyone knew how close I was to him... I was the closest. I even made, and read, the eulogy at his funeral.

 

So fast forward to a few weeks later when I move into the dorms in the new university. I had went to a different state university my first year... and I transferred to this one (for my major... and it's a better school). Both state schools, though, in Ohio.

 

I did horribly my first quarter (not semester). I was taking 3 hard classes; and my advisor had advised me not to do that because I was in all new settings AND that I shouldn't take those difficult of classes all in one quarter.

 

Side bar: In high school, I was always the "smart kid". I didn't graduate top in my class (it was a competitive class!), but I graduated honors and got mostly A's and only a few B's my entire school career. Learning came easy for me, and our high school wasn't easy either - it's one of the best high schools in the state.

 

So enter my second year of university. My gpa from the other university was good, but it didn't transfer, only the credits transferred. So I started off with a brand new gpa... and failed 2/3 classes. I had such a terrible time my first quarter, and despite stuyding as often as I could without going crazy (and not partying at all), I still failed and got a C- in the other class. They were hard classes, but for as much as I studied, I should have not failed both of them.

 

So now I'm on academic probation. One of the conditions is I have to get a 2.3 this quarter (2 C's and a B+ at the bare minimum). I can already tell that isn't going to happen, and I've been trying. I've gone and seen tutors and still, I can't seem to get the hang of the classes; and they aren't all hard subjects either. I've been trying, but when it comes to the midterm (where the majority of our grades come from), I don't do well at all.

 

So I'm halfway through this quarter, and I'm afraid I'm have passed the point of no return. When I don't get the grades to get a 2.3, I'll be dismissed. And at first, I'll admit it, I thought about suicide because "I can't be a failure. I just can't." That's went through my mind.

 

But my grandparents (who raised me), kept saying "don't worry, we'll be here no matter what, etc". They made me feel loved and safe. I also have... mostly one other person in my life who is supportive and I really enjoy this person. So I have that all going for me.

 

I spoke with my grandparents last night. I said that "IF" I got kicked out, I think it'll be okay, and here's why. I can live at home still (as my brother who is in his senior year of h.s., and my sister who is commuting to college still do). And I can get a couple jobs and make some money. Now here's another thing: I can be reinstated back to the same university AFTER a full year. Of course, I have to go in front of a committee and explain why I failed out and what I am going to do to make sure it won't happen again.

So here was my plan: get kicked out, live and work at home for a year. make money for when I do go back AND START SEEING PSYCHIATRIST to help me figure out and work through whatever it is that I can't deal with. Because I know there is something wrong; it's a lack of energy and a mental block.

 

Side bar: when I was 15 I was diagnosed with depression, but they wouldn't put me on any meds because I was too young.

 

So I'm wondering what people think. I feel like I need a break, and I'm failing out. I could transfer to a community college, but I don't want to do that. I do want to take a year off, chill out, and get some help.

 

My aunt was of no help. I found out from my cousin that my aunt had called my grandmother and said to my cousin "I finally got out of your grandmother what XXXXX's grades are!"

XXXXX being me.

It's like she was happy to be gossiping that I'm failling out.

 

I have to hurry up because I'm on my sister's computer, and maybe this is half rant, but I'm wondering what people think. Taking a break good?

AND HERE'S THE IMPORTANT PART: how do I deal with people who tell me I'm stupid and make fun of me for dropping out? I thought I'd be fine with it, but then my aunt said something and I feel like more of a failure than I ever have before.

So when it goes public, then what? I feel like I'll go back to being suicidal.

 

Thanks for listening!

[vandgsmom]

First of all: Take a deep breath and realize that we all fail and screw up and we all have to suck it up at some point and move on. Nothing at all is worth taking your life over.

 

Second: I don't think that hoping to get kicked out of school is the answer. I mean, it is SO HARD to go back once you have quit no matter now smart you are. I am back in after a masters now after a recess and it is like pulling teeth. Just go as far as you can. Try to convince them to let you stay even if you just drop to half time... Stick it out.

 

And the relative that get you down? We all have em. Some socaially backwards competitive aunt or uncle that feels that everything that you have ever done from potty training on is a competition between you and their child. Ignore them and live life on your own pace. Otherwise you will just be that much more frantic. It is their insecurities that are fueling that fire.

 

I so hope things look up for you soon!

[Grosse vache]

Without failure than can be no success.....or some such crap. I know all about feeling like a failure and no matter how many times I fail I can always give myself some pathetic reason to excuse myself from it. Recognising that you need a break isn't a failure, it's knowing what you need and going for it. Living for yourself and not other people is one of the greatest successes someone can do so give yourself a pat on the back. And really, what does it matter what your aunt thinks? She's probably the biggest failure out of you all.

[agent1607307371]

First off, taking time out sounds like a very good plan. Don't think of it as a failurre, think of it as a strategic retreat, ginving yourself time to regroup and sort your strategy out.

 

As for your aunt, feel sorry for her. It sounds like she must not have a lot going for her if she thinks gossiping about family members is acceptable behaviour.

[Locke2121]

I think that you need to talk to an educational and vocational counsoler. The degree you are trying to get is obviously not for you. But you may find one that you have no trouble attaining and really enjoy.

[Jetta]

Transfer to the community college. Now I was a snob and thought I was too good to go to a community college whereas my friends went to a community college and one transferred to a 4 year college and has had her degree for years. I still don't. I was going to take some time off because I was completely stressed and planned on returning the next semester. Well 10 years after I should have graduated I'm still floundering. I came from a professional family. I never expected to struggled the way I have, and withdrawing from college was a HUGE mistake. Don't do it!

 

Transfer to a college that's not as challeging for you, get therapy, and then you'll be fine.

[herenow]

Hi...I read your story and my heart ached for what you've had to go through and what you are going through right now. I had a lot of similarities to your story. I don't want you to go through all that I went through, so I will try to share some of what I've learned and reassure you that things are going to turn out JUST FINE for you in the long run. You will find your way.

 

First, some practical stuff to do for the next couple of days. You are going to have to be your own advocate and pretend that you have good self-esteem as you go through these steps:

 

1)"Flunking" out of college is probably not your only option if you are having a meltdown and would benefit from time off. Two options that you should look into IMMEDIATELY are a formal voluntary "Leave of Absense" or a formal "Medical Leave of Absense".

 

1a) Please immediately find the kindest person you can in the Dean's Office to ask about these two options. Explain that due to personal circumstances surrounding your parents' death, you are having difficulty concentrating on schoolwork and that you suspect medical depression and are considering taking time off. Get the forms for both types of leaves of absense and study them.

 

1b)To qualify for a medical leave of absense, you will need a medical diagnosis from a professional. Find out what kind of professional it has to be from the Dean's Office--probably in your case it would have to be a psychiatrist or a licenced psychologist with a PhD (or maybe a PsyD). Also find out what medical conditions qualify--does it have to be full blown depression? Can it be a mood disorder or something less severe? IMMEDIATELY after talking to the Dean's Office and finding out the medical documentation you need, ask your school's health center if they offer counseling services by the type of professional you need. Tell them you are having suicidal thoughts and that you need to see someone IMMEDIATELY --not next week. You may feel like downplaying your situation ("Well, I'm not suicidal ALL the time, just when my aunt pokes at me...") but this isn't about that. It's about getting the process in motion ASAP so that you can fill out your medical leave of absense form AS SOON AS POSSIBLE, before the term/semester deadline. You are trying to get your medical leave approved BEFORE the term ends to make your life easier later on and to try to preserve some self-esteem and to have your formal record match reality. You aren't a bad student, you are just going through a bad time.

 

1c)If your health center is responsive, great; if not, go back to the Dean and see if they can give you a referral to the health center or otherwise put pressure on the health center. If your health center doesn't offer counseling services themselves, they should refer you out. Your student health insurance should cover at least part of the cost of your consultation. Don't worry too much about the cost of a consultation right now--it's not much in the big picture of things, and you will be able to pay for it eventually, or work out a payment plan or something. Just get the diagnosis if you really are suffering from a depressive episode, and fill out that medical leave of absense form.

 

1d) When you do see the mental health professional, don't whitewash your story. If your aunt makes you suicidal, say so. If you feel despair over other things (which anyone would, losing their parents in such an icky way), say so. If you have trouble with your memory, say so. Maybe go online to link removed and look over the symptoms of depression, and write down which ones you have, and give that sheet of paper to the mental health professional so that you don't forget anything. Dont make my mistake and whitewash things out of a desire to make myself look better than the failure I felt I was--I wasted time getting to the meat of my issues and getting the real help I needed. A mental health professional can only diagnose you accurately if you give accurate information. If you do have depression again, it's important that you get treated, so you've lost nothing by seeing someone who can help you decide.

 

1f) If you consult with a mental health professional and what you are going through is NOT a depressive episode, that's great (those are no fun). Find out if you have a less severe condition that would still qualify for a medical leave of absense.

 

1g) If you don't like the first mental health professional you consult with, FIND ANOTHER ONE and get a second, even a third opinion. Just because a person has a degree doesn't mean they "get" you--they can be clueless and extremely arrogant. Trust your gut feelings. You should feel comfortable with whomever you see. I was grossly misdiagnosed by cocky professionals twice--when I was a teenager, one said I was a drug addict (never touched the stuff in my life) and tow years ago, another said I was bipolar (scared the heck out of me. Two years later I am off medication and fine--in my case it was post-traumatic stress disorder, which can LOOK like bipolar disorder.). I have had better luck with psychologists than psychiatrists, although in the end a friend referred me to a great psychiatrist who really worked WITH me.

 

1h) If you don't qualify for a medical leave of absense, you still probably qualify for a regular leave of absense. You may lose some money by dropping all your classes if they aren't going so well, but it may be better to take the leave of absense anyway, rather than flunking out.

 

I hope that you will at least look into the leave of absense option, whether medical or regular, even if it is a lot of work to fill out the paperwork and get the documentation, etc.. There is no stigma attached to voluntarily leaving, and it actually shows a lot of wisdom and maturity to know when you need to step away and regroup.

 

 

 

*****

 

Do not feel bad about yourself if you decide to take time off from college. I did it three times for a total of 3 1/2 years and I am GLAD i did! I learned a lot more working OUTSIDE of college than I did in the classroom. I met many wonderful people who shared with me their stories: where they came from, what they used to be like when they were my age, how they made mistakes or suffered tragedies and survived them and learned from them, how they made choices, how they grew more confident about who they were and what was important to them, how they achieved their happy marriage, how they raised thier kids, how they found work that they were good at and enjoyed, etc. Wonderful stuff. In the end, I went back and got my degree. A few years after you get your degree, no one really knows or cares if you took time off. But they DO notice if you seem wiser than your peers and have a better perspective on life--if you seem like a person who lives deliberately, rather than "automatically", if you know what I mean.

 

Your aunt strikes me as someone who is in pain, probably from a life that did not meet her own deep down hopes and expectations. She's only hurting you because she doesn't know what else to do. It's not about you, it's about her, and I would try to have compassion for her even as you keep as much distance as you can from her for a few years, until you are stronger and she doesn't affect you the same way.

 

You need to be brave and face your fears and demons, work through them, and live the life that you are meant to live.

 

Your transformation may happen in a year, or it may happen over several years. You don't have to have all the answers planned out right now. Don't be so hard on yourself.

 

Community college is a FINE option if the quality of education at your local community college is good. Saves you lots of money, for one thing! Don't be a snob about it. Lots of bright students go to community college because their families just don't have the means to pay for four years of college. They pay their own way and then get into good transfer universities. True, there are poor students who use it as a glorified day care institution, but you don't have to be one of those.

 

Please let me know if you look into the leave of absense options. I really think you can save yourself a lot of pain that way.

 

Good luck!

[belissima86]

FIRSTLY, just because you fail out of school, you are NOT "a failure." you just had a few failures....and so what, they help you grow and the main thing is that you learn from them.

It is understandable that you would be distracted, many people find going straight from high school to university a hard transition and they need time to adjust tothe new lifestyle and the new way things are done (prof's, marks, scheduling). If you feel you need time off, there is nothing wrong with that just make sure you do not give up on furthering your education when you are ready to do so and not waste your own time.

Perhaps you are not motivated because you aren't sure where exactly your degree is going to take you, it helps to sometimes see the reason you are working so hard.

Also, due to your past you may want to seek professional help while taking time off of school. You will have time to work things out in your head and find out who you really are, and you will realize that you are unique...this is one of the most important gifts life give and only you can give it to yourself.

As for the aunt, she doesn't know what she is talking about....seriously though, it's small minded to think the way she does. Perhaps surrounding yourself with more influential individuals can help you escape the hurdles people like her will throw at you. It will be okay, you are just adjusting now. And when you go back to school, make sure you put the time and effort and by then you should be more personally and mentally developed to do so.