So I'm nearly 20 and on the brink of a semi-life-crisis.
I'll start at the beginning.
When I was 5, both of my parents died (on the same day) in a murder/suicide situation. Dad killed mom.
Last summer, while I was overseas in school, my uncle (who I lived with for a few years when I was earlier), died. It was a horrible ordeal, and everyone knew how close I was to him... I was the closest. I even made, and read, the eulogy at his funeral.
So fast forward to a few weeks later when I move into the dorms in the new university. I had went to a different state university my first year... and I transferred to this one (for my major... and it's a better school). Both state schools, though, in Ohio.
I did horribly my first quarter (not semester). I was taking 3 hard classes; and my advisor had advised me not to do that because I was in all new settings AND that I shouldn't take those difficult of classes all in one quarter.
Side bar: In high school, I was always the "smart kid". I didn't graduate top in my class (it was a competitive class!), but I graduated honors and got mostly A's and only a few B's my entire school career. Learning came easy for me, and our high school wasn't easy either - it's one of the best high schools in the state.
So enter my second year of university. My gpa from the other university was good, but it didn't transfer, only the credits transferred. So I started off with a brand new gpa... and failed 2/3 classes. I had such a terrible time my first quarter, and despite stuyding as often as I could without going crazy (and not partying at all), I still failed and got a C- in the other class. They were hard classes, but for as much as I studied, I should have not failed both of them.
So now I'm on academic probation. One of the conditions is I have to get a 2.3 this quarter (2 C's and a B+ at the bare minimum). I can already tell that isn't going to happen, and I've been trying. I've gone and seen tutors and still, I can't seem to get the hang of the classes; and they aren't all hard subjects either. I've been trying, but when it comes to the midterm (where the majority of our grades come from), I don't do well at all.
So I'm halfway through this quarter, and I'm afraid I'm have passed the point of no return. When I don't get the grades to get a 2.3, I'll be dismissed. And at first, I'll admit it, I thought about suicide because "I can't be a failure. I just can't." That's went through my mind.
But my grandparents (who raised me), kept saying "don't worry, we'll be here no matter what, etc". They made me feel loved and safe. I also have... mostly one other person in my life who is supportive and I really enjoy this person. So I have that all going for me.
I spoke with my grandparents last night. I said that "IF" I got kicked out, I think it'll be okay, and here's why. I can live at home still (as my brother who is in his senior year of h.s., and my sister who is commuting to college still do). And I can get a couple jobs and make some money. Now here's another thing: I can be reinstated back to the same university AFTER a full year. Of course, I have to go in front of a committee and explain why I failed out and what I am going to do to make sure it won't happen again.
So here was my plan: get kicked out, live and work at home for a year. make money for when I do go back AND START SEEING PSYCHIATRIST to help me figure out and work through whatever it is that I can't deal with. Because I know there is something wrong; it's a lack of energy and a mental block.
Side bar: when I was 15 I was diagnosed with depression, but they wouldn't put me on any meds because I was too young.
So I'm wondering what people think. I feel like I need a break, and I'm failing out. I could transfer to a community college, but I don't want to do that. I do want to take a year off, chill out, and get some help.
My aunt was of no help. I found out from my cousin that my aunt had called my grandmother and said to my cousin "I finally got out of your grandmother what XXXXX's grades are!"
XXXXX being me.
It's like she was happy to be gossiping that I'm failling out.
I have to hurry up because I'm on my sister's computer, and maybe this is half rant, but I'm wondering what people think. Taking a break good?
AND HERE'S THE IMPORTANT PART: how do I deal with people who tell me I'm stupid and make fun of me for dropping out? I thought I'd be fine with it, but then my aunt said something and I feel like more of a failure than I ever have before.
So when it goes public, then what? I feel like I'll go back to being suicidal.
Thanks for listening!
