Friends first?

[arrrrffff]

Background (skip down to the question if you don't want to read this)

 

Girl leaves me after 3.5 years. She falls for another guy (who clearly used her for the sex) at school. This was all behind my back. She felt bad, never told me why, and instead told me she was leaving me because she liked someone else, and I'm the perfect boyfriend, I did nothing wrong, blablablah. She couldn't handle me losing my mom to a 5 year bout with cancer, which I personally think was kind of disgusting. I lost my 18 yr old girl to some, 30 yr old guy who was cheating on his gf, and hit on my girl, and stole her from me. Screwed up? Yes. But I haven't acted upon anything. She made a choice, and I gave it to her.

 

100% NC since Oct 2006 now... I don't answer any of her calls nor her friend calls. I am simply in the midst of healing and my heart can't take that. I'm too busy to waste any time on her. Actually, to make matters worse, I go donate blood, and they find an abnormal pulse, low rate, etc... and then I go to my cardiologist, and my heart is degrading. It will fail soon and I'll need a new heart, so I may be dead soon - I like to stay optimistic though. He says it's not stress related, I would like to think it is. Note that I am very fit and healthy. It's not like she left me because I am a grease eating couch potato slob. She literally broke my heart, LOL.

 

Question

 

I bump into her friend 2 days ago at school. He asks why I've been ignoring all our (ex + mutual friends) for almost half a year now. He asks how I am, Am I alrright. I say yes. And that's that.

 

I go to work, and I get a voicemail on my phone, "Hi [my name], I haven't heard from you in a while, but I hear you go to [her] university now. I'm glad to hear that. I would like to be friends if your interested, if your ready, I dunno if you want that. If you don't want to talk to me, then fine, I understand that, I respect that. I hear your doing pretty well. I just wanted to see... Good-night."

 

Is it wise to contact her?

 

I want to get back with her. I forgive her. My hearts failing soon... but that could be in a year or 5 years. It's just that no matter how successful, what I do, where I go, I just cannot shake her off. I know I should NOT let someone like that play with my heart. I know I need someone who actually loves me and cares for me. However, my heart just won't let her go. I am incomplete. I have rarely gone through a night without cold sweats, having dreams of her, NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY TO stay busy, forget, smile, etc...

She clearly has not stated SHE WANTS TO BE WITH ME. She said she wanted to be friends when we broke up last fall. She said she is interested in being friends now, which is clearly not my intention. It's not that I hate her, it is just unhealthy to be around someone who you were with long-term, and then be friends. I want more, she doesn't. Why would I waste my time and open my wounds, when I see her with another guy?

 

However, how do couples get back together again if they don't see each other, and be friends FIRST? It doesn't just happen like instantly. How do we get back together if it's in NC right now? Must I not first break NC?

 

Or do I wait until I get a prominent "I WANT YOU BACK NOW" at my doorstep.

 

*** Her new cheating "guy" just left her after the sex for his long-term gf. Did I mention his gf doesn't know about this? I feel so bad for her. So yea, my ex-gf got used, she shacked up and got dumped. What goes around comes back around.

 

So, 1) she thinks the grass is not greener, so she GENUINLY wants me back, or 2) hey LOOK!!! my ex = 2nd best, backup. Let's use him to make me feel better.

 

Sorry for making anyone read all that, my question is basically:

 

Must one break NC first and be friends first, before any possibility of getting back together to start a new relationship?

[Jason1080]

I personally dont have much experience at this, but here are my 2 cents:

I would stay at no contact if I can. Cause if you still want to get back together with her, it will mean friendship is just not enough for you. It is going to hurt if you stay friends for a long time. But then again, it depends on how you view things. Who knows? maybe your ex wants you to contact her first just for the attention, just to know that your still there. If she wants to get back together, I think she will make the first move. Dunno if that helped, but there you go.

[DN]

You don't have to be friends with her but I think that you will have a harder time getting over her if you don't find out now what she really wants - there will always be that 'what if?' hanging over you.

 

So, I would return her call and say that just friendship is still not in your best interests right now but thank her for the attempt. Make sure that you talk to her directly - don't leave that on voice-mail.

 

Listen to her response carefully. She may indicate in some way that she would like more but don't suggest that yourself. If she does not indicate that then bring the conversation to a close, politely but firmly.

 

If she does say anything about getting back together then you need to know beforehand what you want and under what circumstances you would take her back. And you need to be sure she really does want you back for the right reasons.

 

Play this out carefully and guard your heart. Be prepared for anything to happen but at least you will have some sort of conclusion and can move ahead.

 

Good luck with your health issues.

[Weeblie]

There was a post somewhere about a girl who got back with her ex. I can't find it right now, but when I do, I'll put up a link. Basically she did NC and moved on with her life. The ex started popping up in her life and she'd talk to him every once in awhile. She was friendly and nice to talk to, but she never became his friend. More like an aquaintance. Eventually the ex realized how great she was and asked her for a second chance.

 

I think the friends thing will be extremely difficult and the stress it might put on you, worries me.

[CanadianGuy]

Hey Arrrfff,

 

Thought I would reply as I am a similar situation. My G/F broke up with me in October 2006. The reasons for leaving were numerous, but basically involved the fact that she was not happy living in the city we shared (7 hours away from her hometown), she missed her family and friends, had no job satisfaction here, and of course, some issues with us. She moved out of the apartment we shared, and moved back to her hometown.

After the split, I made the common mistakes we all do. Calling her up, long emails, pleading for chances. She would never answer that this was the end for good, as I honestly don't think she knew. She needed space and time to figure out a multitude of issues, many that revolved around her self-happiness. We still said I love you to each other - I believe she needed to find herself, and also find out if I am the "one."

Throughout all of this, I told her that I am happy doing the friendship thing, but that she needs to know that I am only doing it to see if there is anything beyond that. If she was to become involved with someone else, my friendship would cease immediately. She understood that completely.

The month of December I went NC, but only lasted two weeks. I was mad at myself for breaking it, as the conversation became just like previous ones, with me upset and her angry. I just felt like I was pushing her away.

Anyways, a couple of days after Christmas I was down visiting friends some three hours away from her. Decided to text her and let her know that I am close, and that I would like to travel up and take her out for dinner. She agreed, and we met up. Had a great time - tried to keep the relationship talk non-existant, and just have fun. I spent the night, but there was no intimate interactions. Since then, we have both decided to do this friendship thing, take things slow and just see what happens. I am ok with this, and I know going into it that it may work out, or it may not. My biggest fear was always the "what if?" By not seeing, I was always afraid of not figuring out whether we could of worked again. Since that visit, we maintain regular contact, and I traveled up to see her three weeks later. Spent five days with her, and had a really fun time. Sex and intimacy was involved this time, and we were both ok with that. That was a month ago. In two weeks time, we are going away for the weekend to Niagara Falls - king size bed, jacuzzi etc! I'm really looking forward to it, as is she. She has been on dates with other guys, which of course, made me very jealous at the beginning. But, we aren't a couple, and I guess that is just natural.

So, to answer your question - NC did work out ok for me for a bit, but doing the friendship thing has led me to where I am. Again, no guaratees that this will bring us back to together, but it is a positive right now. I think we just needed to spend time together as friends (although we a stage beyond that now), have fun (something that has been missing for a while) and see what happens. She has told me that she can't give a timeline for getting back together, or that we will, and I guess I'm ok with that. Not saying I want to do this for the next year or anything, but I would like to see us advance somewhat as we continue along this path.

For me, the friendship thing needed to be done. I don't think there was any other way for bringing us closer. Saying that, our breakup was very non-typical, due to the reasons of her leaving. Our biggest hurdle, if we do get back together, would be me making the decision to move down there with her. Not an easy one to make, and one that I know she holds some guilt over and fear. As she said, it puts a lot of pressure on us. And it does. I know no one down there, but I do love her, and in cases like this, that is enough for me.

We'll see what happens. Every case is different. 95% of the posters on here will tell you that NC needs to be done, to make you better etc. That may be true, but in my case, re-investigating the friendship/relationship was the best thing for us, maybe because we both wanted to see where it could lead. Of course, my feelings are much stronger going into this, but then again, I was the one dumped. Hopefully her feelings can be brought back to the levels from before.

If I can offer some advice in regards to being friends - keep things fun, don't bring up relationship stuff and go in with an open mind.

 

Hope this helps,

Justin

[J6hn]

This whole ordeal has obviously adversly effected your wellbeing.

Perhaps breaking NC and actually putting some effort into forgiving her and just being friends will give you some peace of mind.

The stress and anxiety will go out the window as you embrace the future and erase the past.

[karvala]

Firstly, I'm sorry to say that I suspect the answer to your final question is the second one (that she's using you to bolster her self-esteem and feel better after being used). Whatever caused her to wander in the first place is presumably still in place. She may have found that this particular patch of grass is not greener, but that generally doesn't stop people looking for green grass elsewhere. Blind optimism is surprisingly prevalent when people feel the need for something.

 

As to the question about NC, the literal answer is yes of course NC must be broken before you can get back with your ex. It's extremely unlikely that an ex will contact you after x months of NC with an emphatic "hey, we haven't seen each other for ages, but let's have a relationship again". Friendship must almost always preceed it to some extent.

 

The questions for you, though, are: (1) How much will I get hurt by being only friends while wanting more? (2) How convincingly, and for how long, can I be only friends with her while wanting more? (3) How will I feel if/when I finally push for a relationship (as you inevitably will after a certain point; the friendship can't be sustained indefinitely when you want something more), she decides she doesn't want to get back with me?

 

My personal view is that you're not quite yet in the place where the answers to those questions would lead to the suggestion that you should contact her, so I'd leave it a bit longer if I were you, but if you're really concerned that she will go away or take it that you're not interested at all, throw her a small carrot, but make it clear that you need to maintain NC for a while longer yet to heal.

[Siriana]

Think about it twice (yeah, I know you are already doing that).

She asked for being friends. That's all you know now. You don't know if she wants more.

DN advised you correctly - you can try to find out does she has something more on mind or not by applying his advice.

 

Also try to think further than getting back together - are you shure you could live with the fact she dumped you because of a charming 30 year old cheater.

 

 

Oh, and obviously I am advising you not to be friends.

[onelittleladybug]

I don't know if this helps you at all - but I told my ex that I wasn't ready to be friends and didn't know if I ever would be but if he changed his mind and wanted to try again then I hope he gives me a call and maybe it wont be too late.

 

So for me its a simple situation now, he knows where I stand on the friendship issue so if he calls its more likely that he wants reconciliation than to be friends. I'm also prepared that he could call after a couple months and think I'm over it and ready to be friends, and then I will just repeat the whole thing.

 

I did this because there was a lot of ambiguity and confusion after the breakup. I know this is very cut and dry and oversimplified and he probably doesn't like that at all but... We aren't together anymore so its not my responsibility to accommodate his needs. Only mine.

 

Personally I'm not doing this to get him back. I am totally ready to move on. But a few months ago someone posted here about someone doing something like this and they did end up getting back together with their ex.

[DN]

I think this is a very wise way of handling things. I wish more people would adopt this approach - it would save a lot of heartache. The only thing I would add is to make sure you don't close off an attempt to reconcile too early - sometimes an ex won't just up and say 'take me back ' straight off.

[arrrrffff]

Thank-you for all the replies everyone. I didn't expect all this help.

 

Kudos to Weeblie for the link.

 

So I am going to give it some more thought. It's true that life is way too short to let things hang, especially having a great realtionship with someone, even if they hurt you and did you wrong. However, you only break NC when you are absolutely ready - armed with a better life, no expectancy of gettng back together, being strong/ a leader, when all you do is smile and full of positivity. The past is the past, and it is unhealthy and unconducive to dwell on it.

 

Unfortunately, I am so busy this weekend I won't be contacting her for any talk or meetings whatsoever. Gotta love it when your life is so rich in things to do. I got 5 science lab courses, running, weightlifting, volunteering, work, my business, my kids that I coach etc... not to mention all the schWag I've been getting myself, lol.

 

I'll give her a call next week for lunch or dinner or coffee. I'll let her do the talking. If I don't see any benefit to me, then I resume living my life and wait for her next contact.

 

Problem is, the charming cheating 30-yr old goes to ALL her classes, and will volunteer with her over spring break. So he's always in the picture. Am I suppose to compete with this lying cheating guy?

[Biffy]

I think this is a very wise way of handling things. I wish more people would adopt this approach - it would save a lot of heartache. The only thing I would add is to make sure you don't close off an attempt to reconcile too early - sometimes an ex won't just up and say 'take me back ' straight off.

 

This is what I did - told the ex not to contact me unless she wants to get back together with me.

 

She still contacts me but I think it's just disregarding my request and just wanting to stay close to me rather than to try again.

 

I was thinking of sounnding her out next time she calls - flat out ask her if she wants to try again and then reiterate what I said to her months ago.

 

Trouble is I don't want her thinking I'm still "waiting for her"

[GoSox07]

The reasons for leaving were numerous, but basically involved the fact that she was not happy living in the city we shared (7 hours away from her hometown), she missed her family and friends, had no job satisfaction here, and of course, some issues with us. She moved out of the apartment we shared, and moved back to her hometown.

 

I am going through the exact same situation right now - ex just moved back home last week. She wasn't happy with the job, new city, or her lack of friends (and I guess me as well). I think that you guys have the right idea - try to move on the best you can. If she wants to come back or give it another shot, she will communicate this to you no matter what. But, you can't wait around for this to happen. Good luck to all of you, it sounds like you have all made smart decisions so far.