CanadianGuy

Hey Arrrfff, Thought I would reply as I am a similar situation. My G/F broke up with me in October 2006. The reasons for leaving were numerous, but basically involved the fact that she was not happy living in the city we shared (7 hours away from her hometown), she missed her family and friends, had no job satisfaction here, and of course, some issues with us. She moved out of the apartment we shared, and moved back to her hometown. After the split, I made the common mistakes we all do. Calling her up, long emails, pleading for chances. She would never answer that this was the end for good, as I honestly don't think she knew. She needed space and time to figure out a multitude of issues, many that revolved around her self-happiness. We still said I love you to each other - I believe she needed to find herself, and also find out if I am the "one." Throughout all of this, I told her that I am happy doing the friendship thing, but that she needs to know that I am only doing it to see if there is anything beyond that. If she was to become involved with someone else, my friendship would cease immediately. She understood that completely. The month of December I went NC, but only lasted two weeks. I was mad at myself for breaking it, as the conversation became just like previous ones, with me upset and her angry. I just felt like I was pushing her away. Anyways, a couple of days after Christmas I was down visiting friends some three hours away from her. Decided to text her and let her know that I am close, and that I would like to travel up and take her out for dinner. She agreed, and we met up. Had a great time - tried to keep the relationship talk non-existant, and just have fun. I spent the night, but there was no intimate interactions. Since then, we have both decided to do this friendship thing, take things slow and just see what happens. I am ok with this, and I know going into it that it may work out, or it may not. My biggest fear was always the "what if?" By not seeing, I was always afraid of not figuring out whether we could of worked again. Since that visit, we maintain regular contact, and I traveled up to see her three weeks later. Spent five days with her, and had a really fun time. Sex and intimacy was involved this time, and we were both ok with that. That was a month ago. In two weeks time, we are going away for the weekend to Niagara Falls - king size bed, jacuzzi etc! I'm really looking forward to it, as is she. She has been on dates with other guys, which of course, made me very jealous at the beginning. But, we aren't a couple, and I guess that is just natural. So, to answer your question - NC did work out ok for me for a bit, but doing the friendship thing has led me to where I am. Again, no guaratees that this will bring us back to together, but it is a positive right now. I think we just needed to spend time together as friends (although we a stage beyond that now), have fun (something that has been missing for a while) and see what happens. She has told me that she can't give a timeline for getting back together, or that we will, and I guess I'm ok with that. Not saying I want to do this for the next year or anything, but I would like to see us advance somewhat as we continue along this path. For me, the friendship thing needed to be done. I don't think there was any other way for bringing us closer. Saying that, our breakup was very non-typical, due to the reasons of her leaving. Our biggest hurdle, if we do get back together, would be me making the decision to move down there with her. Not an easy one to make, and one that I know she holds some guilt over and fear. As she said, it puts a lot of pressure on us. And it does. I know no one down there, but I do love her, and in cases like this, that is enough for me. We'll see what happens. Every case is different. 95% of the posters on here will tell you that NC needs to be done, to make you better etc. That may be true, but in my case, re-investigating the friendship/relationship was the best thing for us, maybe because we both wanted to see where it could lead. Of course, my feelings are much stronger going into this, but then again, I was the one dumped. Hopefully her feelings can be brought back to the levels from before. If I can offer some advice in regards to being friends - keep things fun, don't bring up relationship stuff and go in with an open mind. Hope this helps, Justin

Here's something that my girlfriend did for me the other week - I certainly enjoyed it!! We got dressed up and went out for a nice dinner. We then decided to park the car at her place, and walk two minutes down the road to a pub. They have a couple of pool tables, so we decided to shoot some stick and grab some drinks. This place is also a karoke bar, so people were up singing on the stage. After quite a few games of pool, and quite a few drinks, all of a sudden Madonna's "Like A Virgin" came on over the speakers. While we played pool, my girlfriend danced a little, being a little flirty with me while I made my shots. Well, we end the night and walk back to hers. She heads upstairs and tells me to wait down. I grab a beer and sit. After a good 20 minutes, she tells me I can go upstairs and wait in the bedroom. I proceed up the stairs and she is locked in the bathroom. Open the bedroom door, and the whole room is filled with lit candles! I sit on the bed and eagerly wait with anticipation! After another ten minutes, I suddenly hear "click", and what should come blasting on but "Like a Virgin"!!! The bedroom door opens and in steps my girlfriend wearing her sexy lingerie, dancing around the room, ultimately ending in a strip tease. Well, I'm sure you can all imagine what happened after that... If your guy wouldn't go for something like that, well, go figure! lol Fun night indeed! CanadianGuy

Hey, Like I said, every situation is different, and the other person has to want it in order for it to work. Give her the time and space and let her reach her conclusion. Then take things from there... I wish you luck. Justin

Hi Again, At the onset of our breakup, as I said, it was quite different than most relationship endings. We still loved each other, but she needed to do what made her happy, and that was leaving the area we resided in. I knew that if we were to have a chance again, she would need to be happy once again. I took the breakup fairly badly. Made phone calls crying and begging, pleading emails etc. It just made me look weak and desparate. I did turn to NC, and that went well for 14 days, but in a moment of weakness I called, and the conversation ended with her angry, me in tears and feeling worse than before. Not long after that I sent a long email putting everything on the line. I told her I'd like to visit her as friends, but made it very clear that the only reason I was doing this was to see if there was anything there to build on. I made that very clear. I said that if truth be told, I don't want her as a friend - I want her as my girlfriend, my lover. I also stated that if she was with someone else, other than a one-off date, then I could not continue with my friendship, as it would be too hard. I also went into a ton of other stuff that related to our relationship. Keep in mind that the month we stayed living together, even though we had broken up, was a catalyst in our relationship. We finally communicated during those four weeks, telling each other what we didn't like in our relationship. We had a very healthy sex life. We had fun, even though we knew the end was near. Anyways, after I sent the big email, she replied stating that she read it with an open mind, agreed with most everything I said, still wanted some time and space, but she promised to tell me when she is ready. We both bought each other Christmas gifts, and she called on Christmas Day to say Merry Christmas and to say I love you. I took the chance in texting her shortly after regarding dinner, and the rest, as they say....is history. As for holding hands - we did while driving in my truck, but again, every situation is different. I'd say we were further ahead than the point you are now, as we did spend the night together. It will be whatever she feels comfortable with, but the best advice is, start off very slow. It might be best not to, at least for the first date, and play it by ear for the next. Who knows, perhaps it will be her reaching out to hold your hand, or giving you a kiss at the end of the evening. If you have already told her that you can't be friends with her if she is with someone else, then I would just leave it at that. She already knows. As far as conversation goes, just keep it light and easy. By bringing up the breakup, you are ultimately bringing up sad and bad memories. You don't want that. (this is what my ex. said to me..) She doesn't want to go back to that time and place. So, try not to. We did talk a bit about our relationship, but moreso what this new friendship thing meant to us, how we would proceed and stating our intentions. For me, they don't want to see you crying, begging, pleading etc. I've been there before and it doesn't work. Be strong, confident and happy. That will work much better. If she doesn't want to meet up with you, there's not much you can do. I would just leave it with a simple...."when you are ready, you know how to reach me..", and stop with any contact. Sadly, and this is something I've learnt, you can't force, pressure and make someone see you, or date you. They need to want it for themselves. Luckily my ex. wanted to see if this friendship thing could lead to us getting back together - it won't necessarily work for every relationship. Good luck - let us know how you make out. Justin

Hey, I don't think you have to use the term date at all - just ask her if she would like to go out to dinner. If she questions your motives, you can tell her it is only as friends and just to spend some time together. I would keep it fairly middle of the road - no over the top fancy restaurant, but then again, no McDonalds either. We just went to a decent Italian restaurant. After dinner, we discussed what we should do next. I suggested just renting a movie. She said we always did stuff like that, and lets do something different and fun. So, we decided on going for a walk along the river, looking at the Christmas light displays the town had put up. We ran out of time, but we were going to go play Bingo as a laugh, and have both said we'll do that next time I come up. As for conversation - just let it flow. For me it was easy - she had just got a new job, was living in a new city (new to me at least) so we discussed those sorts of things. Just think of it kind of like hanging out with a male buddy - just do stuff that feels natural and is fun. Now, at the end of the night, see how comfortable she feels regarding the kiss. A hug certainly isn't out of the question, and a simple kiss on the cheek might be fine, as long as she is comfortable with that. For me, I was 7 hours from home, so I had to spend the night. It was her decision to let me sleep in the same bed. I did make a small move at one point (now, I was giving her a nice massage at the time, so it was kind of hard not to make the move), but she politely stopped me, and said that it's best we wait before rushing into sex and intimacy, as that is more emotional, and we are not at that stage yet. We did hold each other as we slept, so we were a bit beyond the friendship level I guess you could say. Just be yourself. While I was driving up to take her out for dinner, she texted me the following, which I will paraphrase: Let's just take this as friends for now. No I miss you, or crying or stuff. Let's just have a nice dinner, hang out and see where it leads... So, that's what I did. I guess every situation is different, but just keep it on the friendship level, and see what happens. If it turns out good, call her a few days later for a simple "how are you doing" chat. Then just go from there. If the signals are beginning to come from her, going out again should be no problem. It's going to take time to get comfortable with each other again, to feel that passion and closeness, and the only way to discover that is through friendship right now. What happens in the future is anyones guess, but hopefully things will work out for the best. Good luck, Justin

krnelson2, Hello my friend. I am in the exact same boat as you. My ex. girlfriend and I split up about 3 months after 3 years together. She was not happy with her job, missed her family and friends (who are seven hours away) and just wasn't happy living in this town anymore. This ultimately caused friction in our relationship, and she left and moved back to her hometown. The split wasn't typical, in that we didn't hate each other, still loved each other and in fact, we continued living together for a month after the breakup before she moved out. Much like you I asked her numerous times if this was the end for us. She always replied she didn't know, and that she needed some time and space. The first little while was tough - the phone calls, the pleading the emails from myself. After that, I concentrated on giving her her space. We began talking occasionaly, not bringing up past stuff nor relationship things. She said when she is ready to meet up, she promised to let me know. Well, a few days after Christmas I texted her, making a joke about taking her out to dinner, as I was four hours away from her town. I ended up driving there, went out for a great dinner, hit a pub for some drinks, took a walk along the river and just talked. We stayed away from the relationship/past stuff pretty much, only briefly talking about it. We have both decided that we want to spend time together as friends, and see where that goes. We did spend the night together, but decided to wait a bit for the intimacy and not to rush. We basically looked at this first meeting as a first date, and plan on doing the second one in a couple of weeks. Now, it is a 7 hour drive for me to see her, and she knows the reason I am being friends with her is to see if we can make it as a couple again. She has the same thinking. I have told her if she is dating someone, involved with someone or is having sex with someone, this friendship thing would end on my part, because I don't think that is fair for me to have to deal with. She said she had been on two dinner dates since we broke up, and had kissed both men. That was it. I told her that I had also kissed two women since our breakup. We both decided that was fine, and realized we can't get caught up with those things, like asking each other every week if we've went on a date, or slept with someone, or else it won't be beneficial for us getting back together. So, we are just going to take things slow, and see where they lead. I think a big reason for this going the route it is now, is she has a job she loves now, is close to family and friends and is happy now. That really affects us as a whole. The best advice I can give, only from being in the same situation is to take things slow. Don't call every day. Don't sit on the phone for hours talking to her, because ultimately, things from the past will be brought up. Go out for dinner, keep things light and just be yourself. If she has plans already the weekend you want to do something with her, don't make a big deal about it. Just say that's cool, and maybe suggest the following week. You still need to give them their space, but I would still keep in contact if things are progressing like they sound. Hope this helps a bit. As I said, I'm doing the same thing. I hope it works out, and to be honest, doing this friendship thing (with both of us knowing the reason why we are doing it) is our best way of getting our relationship back together. One other bit of advice - do fun stuff when you are together. Stuff you haven't done before. Don't revert back to the past..Make the future look better and brighter! All the best, Justin

Hello Joiseygrl, I believe it is quite common, and nothing to worry about. Could be a number of reasons. With anal sex, the lubricant is pushed deep into the anus. This mixes with feces, and may take some time to completely come out. Also, not sure if protection was used (which I would recommend unless you are in a monogamous relationship and have both been tested), if he ejaculated inside you, this could just be the remnants working there way out. Hope this helps, Justin

Hello All, First of all, great site! Stumbled upon this a few days ago, and reading the threads (especially those that mirror my own life) have definetly helped. So, here's my own story... Alyson and I dated for almost three years. It was a blind date set up by a mutual friend, and it just went from there. We both live in Ottawa, Ontario Canada. This city is neither of ours home town, with hers being a 7 hour car ride away, and mine just under 4. I have lived here for the last five years, and do call Ottawa home now, especially since my parents retired to the area two years ago. I have an excellent friendship base, and most of my best friends also live here. Alyson had just moved to Ottawa six months before meeting me, making the trek up here for a job and since her best friend also resided here. My age is 33, Alyson is 26. The relationship was a good one - lots of things in common, and she is very mature for her age. We both moved in together almost two years ago, bought two cats, the whole nine yards. Issues arose during the relationship various times. Alyson actually came close to breaking it off twice before, mainly because she wasn't happy here. We moved on from there, and tried to put it behind us. This is the thing - Alyson is extremely close to her family. Bottom line. She hates the fact that there is so much distance between her and them, and not to mention that all of her "true" friends live back home also. Although she has made friends with mine, it really isn't the same. Anyways, towards the last six months of our relationship, things weren't going so well. Alyson just wasn't happy, whether it be with her job (she couldn't get a permanent contract), her lack of friends and missing her family. This seemed to really affect us, as when she wasn't happy with herself, she often projected that onto us, or moreso, me. I guess we became pretty complecent those last few months. Not doing a ton of things, being content to sit on the couch and watch T.V. Towards the end of October, Alyson decided she needed to leave. She wanted to move back to her hometown, to be close to family and friends, and get a new job. Basically, she wanted to find herself again, as she was not happy with the way her life was. She still loved me immensely, but wasn't 100% sure that "I was the one." Anyways, she made her decision, started applying for jobs back home, yet we remained living together. (She said she would move out immediately if I wanted her too, but I said I was ok with her staying as long as she needed.) During the four weeks before her physically leaving, we had many heart to hearts. We finally discussed the reasons why we weren't working out, and although a lot came down to her desire to be somewhere else, a few issues where our lack of finances (she wants to be with someone that can support, and I should feel the same), our lack of movement over the last three years (no house, and no real savings) and our struggles with communication. Well, for those last four weeks, we finally opened up. We told each other what we wanted from each other, what we needed. It felt so good to finally understand. And we had an amazing four weeks, minus the tears of course. Our sex life was phenominal, our talks were great and we actually did fun things. She moved out Oct. 28. That was tough day for both of us. Up to that point I asked her numerous times - "if this is the end for us, then I need you to be honest with me and convey that." She said she couldn't say that, because she didn't know what was going to happen. That she needed to work on herself first, then figure out if there is a chance for us. Numerous times she would tell me she doesn't know what the future holds for us, and that many people take a break and get back together, and that many of her friends have done so. She feels that she is a failure in life. She isn't where she wants to be, especially career related, yet she is still young in my eyes. She even said that she knows that Ottawa is 1000 times better than Sarnia (a small, crappy town bordering Michigan), but her family doesn't live in Ottawa. She mentioned how she is scared she is making the biggest mistake of her life leaving, that she may regret it, but she needs to do. To be honest, I respect her for that, and I do want her to be happy. Anyways, two weeks before her moving out, she came to my best friends wedding with me. That meant a lot. The thing is, we still love each other, care about each other immensely, and all those other things. I just think she needs to figure out what she wants. A week after she moved out, she had to come back to Ottawa for a medical appointment. She came to visit, and ended up staying the night. We had a fun time. It has now been one month since we have seen each other. I'll admit, it's been really tough on me, because I do want her back so badly. I feel that we recognized what was wrong with us, and what we really want from each other. Those first few weeks we did communicate. She always says she misses me, loves me and thinks about me. She just needs time and space, and she appreciates that I respect that. I have gotten more firmly on my feet financially (I am self-employed) over the last month, and this was a committment I made to her that I would do before she left. I honestly don't think she knows what she wants, and I don't think she was being malicious by giving me her answer to my question of "is this the end?" We are definitely best friends, and mean a lot to each other, so this is why I guess it doesn't seem like a typical breakup. Anyways, we did breakup on her birthday, which really sucked. I had planned a trip away for the weekend to Quebec City, before knowing that the breakup was going to happen. After we split, I told her that the trip was still there when the time is right for us, and we want to make that step. Well, last week we ended up talking on the phone for three hours. She says she wants to go to Quebec City, but right now she is just not ready, and she wants to be ready so that we do have a good time. She still hasn't found a job, and I think that is hard on her right now. I don't think she will be ready for anything with us, until she gets that part of her life in check. I have told her I would move to Sarnia. She needs to find out if that is right for her. We both discussed on the phone that if we are to do this again, it needs to be right this time, because we don't want to go through what we have for the last month all over again. After the phone call, I made the mistake of calling her the next day and getting somewhat emotional, asking her when she will be ready etc. She got a little angry with that, saying she doesn't know, and that she needs time. I understand that. I wrote a quick email after that apologizing, saying that she knows all there is to know from my end, and that this would be the last communication from me. I said I want to respect her request for space and time, and that I am giving her that now. I told her I want her to want me for her own reasons, not mine, and that I hope she will recognize that one of these days, and be the one to contact me. It's been a week and a half since I sent that, and although it's been tough not to call, I feel that this is what I need to do right now. She has said numerous times that it would be easier if she could just say that this is the end, but that's not how she feels, so she can't. Even the card she left for me the day she moved out said..."I know our time isn't over, but I just don't know what the future holds.." So, I guess I wait. It's tough for sure, and I'm trying to get on with my own life. I do know that for us to work out, she needs to be happy and ok with her own life first, then she may, or may not, want to work on us. It's a chance I have to take, because she means that much to me. I guess we'll see what the future holds... Sorry for the long winded speech. It felt good to get this off my chest. Thanks for reading, Justin