sex advice please...... my bf wants a three-some

[shau_nee]

ok, I have never ever did anything like this before and for me it"s a big deal. I'm afraid that when were having sex he will like the other girl better than me. he says that he just wants to watch me having sex with another girl that he isn't even going to get involved in the act. i also have questions about our relationship now. can he still love me and want a three-some?

[Scout]

Is it the same guy from this thread?

 

If so, I don't think he loves you. But he certainly loves sex. To the point that he would ask you to do things that compromise your own values.

 

Is there anyone out there in the world that is really worth us compromising our values for? Personally, I don't think so.

 

I also don't think this guy has much respect for you. But that doesn't bother me as much as the idea that maybe you don't have enough respect for yourself. If you did...I think you'd be going out with different kinds of guys.

[fnlyfrei]

If you aren't comfortable with it. Don't do it to please him. Nuff' said?

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

Is the same boyfriend mentioned in these threads?

 

 

 

 

[Scout]

I'm going back over more of your other threads now, too. Sweetie...I hate to say this...but there seems to be a pattern here in a lot of your relationships if they are different ones. You are often put in situations by these guys, or just this one guy, don't know yet, where you are being disrespected.

 

I understand that if you have self-esteem issues, it's hard to learn how to expect to be treated with respect. But it's a journey really worth taking, no matter how challenging. Otherwise, I predict a lot of pain and misery in your life. And life is much too short for that.

[shau_nee]

no this is the guy that Scout mentioned. the one that been moving pretty fast into a relationship.

[shau_nee]

he says it's just a fantasy that he wants to fullfill nothing more.

[Scout]

Ok, if it was a fantasy, it would truly be "nothing more." If it's a fantasy to be fulfilled that's a lot more than "nothing more"!

 

I think this guy has different objectives in this relationship than you do. I would hate to see you go along with something you are not comfortable with. Because when people do that, they're basically selling themselves right down the river.

 

Sometimes, as children, we may experience some kind of physical or sexual abuse that we have no control over. However, as adults, we do have that control and power to look out for ourselves.

 

And you are an adult, or almost anyway. I can't remember if you're still in high school or not.

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

Okay, this is a different guy but I see a pattern on your choice of men and whom you get involved with. There has been a trend you get involved with men whom do not respect you and make you doubt yourself.

 

If you do not want to do this, then don't. It is not an uncommon male fantasy. Don't give in just to impress him or appease him.

 

Plus, you do not trust this guy and feel you are being used. Trust your instincts. You have been dating three weeks. No trust=no relationship.

[shau_nee]

ok, i understand what all of you are saying. but my question was really can a guy love that person and want to have three-some with her?

[kellbell]

That is tough question because I do not know you are or your boyfriend.

 

To me, love is not only a feeling, it is an act, a behavior as well. So, think a bit, has your boyfriend made you feel loved, has he done any loving acts, has he made you feel safe, trustworthy? But in three weeks, I don't think a person knows the other well enough to love his/her partner.

 

It has been three weeks and there is already red flags. You do not trust him and his behavior makes you feel used. To me, that is not loving at all, it does not make you feel safe.

 

So, with all that in mind, can you answer your own question?

[Scout]

ok, i understand what all of you are saying. but my question was really can a guy love that person and want to have three-some with her?

 

Ok, you are fixated on this question as if there are all-purpose rules that apply to all guys. There aren't. This request of his is just another indication that he is more interested in a sexual relationship with you than anything else.

 

I don't think he loves you at all, as a matter of fact, but let's say he did. Don't you have other standards besides being loved? Someone can love you yet be totally inappropriate for you. You have felt uncomfortable many times with this guy already, would the fact that he "loves" you in some sort of fashion be enough to over-ride that?

[shau_nee]

no i really can't answer that question. no relationship is perfect. we all have things we need to work on. a three-some is fantasy that's all it is.

[kellbell]

You are perhaps missing my point. I never implied a relationship is perfect. They always need work and nurturing. I suspect you know the answer deep down and perhaps afraid to admit on the surface.

 

Has your boyfriend made you feel loved? Has his actions made you feel he is love with you, totally in love you, that he cares about your feelings, how his actions affect you? Are those questions you can answer?

 

"a three-some is fantasy that's all it is."

 

True, it is a fanatasy. Okay, now I am confused. Forgive me. If you are donwplaying this situation as "just a fantasy", I am confused as why you are questioning his love for you.

[Scout]

Well, fantasies aren't wrong, and it's actually good when people can share their fantasies with their partners. However, there are two things in your situation that are markedly different from this: a) he actually wants you to do it, and b) you just started dating. Sex is already at the forefront of your relationship and you barely know each other.

 

I worry about you, hon. I really do. It seems you'll make excuses for people's disrespect towards you, and thus, continue to say with such people. I fervently hope the day comes soon when you realize you deserve more.

[shau_nee]

to answer your qustions he does make me feel loved. this is just something i have never done before. and we have talked about it alot.

[Scout]

How long have you two actually been dating? I think I was off a bit when I said barely a month, it's been longer, right?

 

Also, can you please clarify...did he actually ask you to have a threesome with someone, or did he just say he fantasizes about it?

[kellbell]

Okay, you talked about it, you feel loved. Great. But just because you discussed it, talked about it....DOES NOT mean you have to do it. It is great you have communicated about this subject matter but it does mean you have to be okay with it or do it.

[AzureSkyes69]

I have never done a threesome either (never would) ..especially if I was in a relationship with someone,I could never ever watch them with someone else.But hey that is just me.

I would suggest you don't do it if you have strong feelings & really,really care for one another,because from what I have heard in so many cases it has caused jealousy & broke up allot of relationships.Case in point a friend of mine once did it (against my advice and her better judgement) After they did it & it was more than a one time thing for them..btw,her boyfriend at the time decided that he liked the other woman better than her and then dumped my friend and proceeded to begin a relationship with the new woman.But I would tread very carefully with this situation..very carefully.

 

As to the question about how he can still love you and want a threesome..well from my point of view if someone I was involved with and cared very deeply about asked me to have one I would not think the loved me or cared about me,I would defiantly question their feelings for me (only my opinion though).

[kellbell]

"I worry about you, hon. I really do. It seems you'll make excuses for people's disrespect towards you, and thus, continue to say with such people. I fervently hope the day comes soon when you realize you deserve more."

 

I wholeheartedly agree with Scout's assessment here. Your tone in this thread has shifted when you are faced with tough questions. It is understandable. But please realize, you do not have to put up with this kind of disrespect and keeping in mind the issues you had last year with another guy, you seem to gravtiate towards men whom treat you less than you deserve.

 

(((BIG HUGS)))

[shau_nee]

kellbell, i know i don't have to. part of me wants to part of me doesn't. the part of me that doesn't is because i feel someones feelings will get hurt. but there is also a part of me that would like to fullfill a fantasy.

[lunatic]

If you are not comfortable with doing a three way fling then DON'T DO IT! It is that easy and if you tell you bf that you are NOT comfortable doing it that should be the end of the discussion.

 

If he keeps going on and on about doing it then he is not there to be with you he is trying to fulfill a fantasy. If that is true then you need to show him the curb and leave his butt! If he loved you and asked you to do this. Then you said no that should be the end of that talk. PERIOD!

[shau_nee]

so what you guys are saying is no. he would not ask me to do this if he loved me. and he is disrespectful to me.

[kellbell]

Why not get know him more. Get know him on deeper more true level. Establish that friendship foundation in your relationship. You need friendship in your relationship, it is your safety net when the chips fall. And three weeks is hardly ample time to achieve this.

 

Get to him, the TRUE him, learn to trust him and visa versa. Then worry about fulfilling this fantasy. Get the basics done first.

 

"and he is disrespectful to me."

 

According to your last thread about you feeling like he uses you for sex.

[Scout]

the part of me that doesn't is because i feel someones feelings will get hurt.

 

I am almost positive that YOUR feelings will definitely get hurt. Remember how upset you were when another boyfriend asked one of your friend's to show him her thong? (re-read some of your past threads). You were devastated. How do you think you'll feel when your boyfriend gets physically aroused by another woman right in front of you? If you think because he won't be joining in, that it will be more about his attraction to you, you're wrong. Otherwise, he would not even be asking for someone else in the mix.