Could she be?

[curtiplas]

Okay first of all I'm new to the forum, and I know I'm going to get a long lecture from everybody because of my supidity. So, I'm 18 me and my girlfriend have been dating for about 15 months ( year and 1/4), anyway we've been having sex for about a year now. We used to use condoms, and after one time of unprotected sex, we just enjoyed it soo much, we stopped using condoms, she's afraid to go on the pill, and although this is stupid we use the "pull out" method.

 

Her periods were irregular for a long time before we had sex, well for the last five months or so she's starting every 30 days. She's been really worried because she usually gets cramps the day before her period starts and yesterday was day 31, with no signs of cramps. On top of that she said she's never ever gone past 31 days. I know she's been really stressed out this semester with all of her courses and the last 3 days shes been had nausea, dizziness, fever, and bad headaches. Today is day 32, still no period...yet.

 

She was so worried yesterday that she bought and took a pregnancy test. It came back negative. However, we have sex alot, about every other day, and multiple times on the day we do it and the last time we had sex was three days ago (less than 48 hours when she took the test). I don't know how long it takes for the hormones to register on a pregnancy test (I.E. how long from when we had sex before the test will had reliable results). Also obviously a morning after pill would be out of the qeustion because if she is pregnant and since we have unprotected sex so often, we wouldn't know how long ago we conceived.

 

Also another thing that worries me is, we were talking about what we would do if she was pregnant. Let me say first and foremost, I am not the type of guy to cut bait and run... I don't care what happens or what I have to go through I will be a part of my child's life. So my plan was to quit College, get married, pick up a full time day job and a full/part time night job, get an appartment I'll work to support our family. Then she can have the baby, take a semester off, and go back to school and get her degree, after she gets on her feet in her job, then I can quit my night job and go back to school. I know it would be hard but, I think we could scrape by if I did that. She on the other hand wanted me to keep going to school, continue to live at home with my parents, have the baby, her and the baby would live with her parents and she would continue her schooling, we wouldn't get married, and basically she would ask her parents to pay for all of the baby's needs. Of course I was upset and hurt when she told me this, I felt like she didn't want me to be a part of the baby's life. Also I know she would consider an abortion, which I have no problem with abortion itself but I wouldn't want her to have one. Any way I was wondering what advice anyone could give me.

 

-Curtiplas-

[Maverick32x]

well, unsure on speed of pregnancy tests.. but it sounds like you might be okay? I'm not exactly sure, but I know stress is a HUGE factor in periods and stuff (from what I've heard

I was in the same situation as you, however, I ended up getting the girl pregnant and she immediately wanted an abortion due to the fact that she didnt want both our lives and the baby's to suffer..... that was probably the scariest 2 weeks of my life... and I can only imagine how she felt...

 

Either way, its not the end of the world, you seem to be ready to do whatever it takes to make her happy, and also to succeed in life... hopefully this is a bit of a wakeup call to use condoms or some form of birth control, that pull out method is NOT a good idea!! (but it sounds like you already know that)~

 

Moral of the story: Figure out if shes really pregnant -> go from there~

[snowgirl]

You can take a pregnancy test from about two days before to a couple of weeks after the missed period date. I would wait a couple of days and take one again. If its negative and she still hasn't gotten her period, she needs to go to the doctor.

The way you guys are having sex, though, it's only a matter of time before she does get pregnant. I am surprised you have gotten away with it for this long. You do not have the means of supporting a baby, and taking it for granted that her parents will pay for everything is not the way to go. I want to shake you.

Either you need to use condoms again, (which I don't think you will do) or she needs to get on the pill, and NOW. Why is she afraid? She should be a LOT more afraid of getting pregnant. Having a baby is not like getting a puppy. You obviously have no idea of how it changes your life, permanently.

[AwdreeHpburn]

uhhhhh.......stop having unprotected sex. If you know its risky and not smart....know you're going to get a lecture.....why are you doing it again? Cos it feels good and you have no self control???

 

Dude.....seriously, be prepared to become a daddy. There's no, "is it possibles" and "what ifs" it WILL happen if you keep it up - literally....

[Jetta]

Maybe this scare is what you need to stop playing with fire. Odds are the test is accurate, but wait a week and test again just to be sure.

[Mythical_Suicide]

We used to use condoms, and after one time of unprotected sex, we just enjoyed it soo much, we stopped using condoms, she's afraid to go on the pill, and although this is stupid we use the "pull out" method.

 

 

Which is she more afraid of, Going on the pill or Becoming a mother? Not a very wise choice of actions and words. I suggest yall mature and her overcome her fear of birth control (which is sucha stupid excuse if you ask me) or give up the extra "pleasure" of not using condoms.

[Mythical_Suicide]

, have the baby, her and the baby would live with her parents and she would continue her schooling, we wouldn't get married, and basically she would ask her parents to pay for all of the baby's needs.

 

-Curtiplas-

 

 

so she's expecting if she got pregnant to have her parents support the child because you two werent mature enough to take proper precaution, yeah! Real good choice have someone else take care of your problems. Get her on birth control AND use condoms or just dont have sex at all.

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

Your girlfriend's fears about going on the pill seem silly to me. So, she is afraid to take a pill and not afraid of becoming a mother?? She does not even have to take a pill, there are other options such as Depo Provera (an injection given every three months), IUD, or the Orthra Evra Patch, which I use and love it.

 

There are many other things you should be concerned about, not only the possibility of her being pregnant, but you both have completely different views on how you will live your life. You are willing to be a man, face up to your responsiblities and do what is necessary but she wants to run to mommy and daddy and assume they will take care of her and her baby. That to me is very immature and presumputious. One can see a person's true colors during times of reality, stress or adversity. You deal with matters head on and she runs to her parents. Is this the kind of person you want to end up with in the longrun? Is this the kind of person you want to me the mother of your kids, assuming others will take on her poor judgements?

 

You really need to find out for sure if in fact she is pregnant. Very rarely do pregnancy tests give out "false" negatives. Next, STOP DOING what you have been doing. Go to the store and get some CONDOMS! What I strongly suggest you urge your girlfriend do is look in the Yellow Pages for places like Planned Parenthood. They offer free consultation on matters such as birth control, parenting, STD's and so forth. She can get condoms there for free, also she can get birth control there as very at very affordable prices or even free depending on her income. Also, those kinds of places are confidential so she does not have to worry about her parents being called.

 

I do not think neither you or your girlfriend fully grasp what you have been doing and the consequences that come with it. True, you have a set plan on what you are going to do but things like this hardly ever go according to plan. Nonetheless, you girlfriend assumes she can just shack up at her parents house anyway, hence why she is not proactive in her birth control practices. The pull out method is very risky and I once heard this quote for couples whom use the pull out method as a birth control measure, "what do you call couples whom use the pull out method?....PARENTS!

 

Be wise, be proactive and I hope things are okay.

 

Take care.

[curtiplas]

Like I said I knew posting this I'd get lectures, and I know most people don't think I fully understand how this is going to affect my life, but I know it means a lifetime of struggling to pay bills, keep food on the table, make ends meet, and never achieving those dreams you had in life. To be honest, I know there's a great risk, I've known it, she doesn't like the condoms either, and she fears Birthcontrol because of the sideeffects and possibly screwing up our ability to have a child later on in life.

 

She wants to run to her parents because she's afraid of the hard life we'd have to live and she doesn't want me to throw away my life and dreams. I think after we talked it through and she saw I was willing to do whatever it takes and the fact that I'd rather throw my dreams away and have her finish school because frankly she's better at it and in the long run it'd be better for "us" (the family).

 

Anyway I know we have to stop "playing with fire" as its so often said, I just need to find away to approach the matter of Birth Control with out being Mean and giving her an altamatum.

 

P.S. Thanks for all your help

 

-Curtiplas -

[Dilly]

I was negative for 2-3 days after the first day of my missed period. Then, on night 3, I was barely positive. Next day, totally positive.

[Mythical_Suicide]

Why worry about given her an ultimatum, either she goes on birth control and yall use condoms or yall just dont' have sex, how hard is that?

I became a mother at 17, it isn't a fun road to go down I love my son to death but it's hard as hell. My bf and I have been dating for almost 4 years and he knows the ultimatum of he uses a condom or we just dont have sex when i'm not on birth control theres no other option and given neither one of us like condoms i'd much rather use a condom than have another child so young.

[Dilly]

Ummmm, condoms? What's wrong with them?

[Dilly]

OK OK OK read your spiel on condoms.. not lecturing but you either use the condoms or be comfortable with the idea of having a pregnant girlfriend. Maybe that's secretly what you both want? To be pregnant?

[kellbell]

"To be honest, I know there's a great risk, I've known it, she doesn't like the condoms either, and she fears Birthcontrol because of the sideeffects and possibly screwing up our ability to have a child later on in life."

 

Has she researched any birth control? Has she spoken to a doctor about her options, side effects and so forth? Her fears seem to be unfounded so she takes the easy way out...by doing nothing. I know with the IUD, there are no hormones, no side effects and completely reversable. IMO, if she did her homework and exlpored her options, then she would be more responsible. As far as hating condoms, well, they can be a life saver, no only protecting against pregnancy but greatly reducing the chance of contracting an STD.

 

But the thing is, this is NOT only about HER, her likes, her fears and whatnot. This about YOU TOO! If you are not cool with being a potential father, having to have this affect the rest of your life, then take some inititative. Be pro-active. I am so sorry if I am lecture-y but you both have to realize your behavior can being a helpless and completely dependent being into your life. You have to think of this child's future. I am just not understanding the mentality here, having a few minutes of gratification is more important the possiblity of bringing a life into this world and having to take care of him/her for the rest of your life???

 

I know you are going to naturally defend her, that is understandable but I have a real qualm with others whom just assume others are going to pick up their mess, and because of that, he/she continues to act irresponsibly. That is pretty mess up to me and really burns my cookies.

 

But my advice still stands, encourage your girlfriend to go to Planned Parenthood, do a search on Google and enter your zip code and find a clinic near you. Get a blood pregnancy test done, if she is not pregnant, educate yourselves on birth control options. There is so much information out there, so many services, it is up to you and her to be active and seek them out.

[kellbell]

Here are some links that may be helpful to you and your girlfriend....

 

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There are so many different kinds of birth control pills available, so it would be good to discuss options that will match your girlfriend's needs.

 

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Hope these help.

[curtiplas]

I ment to metion this in my last post but, I forgot, I personally don't mind being a father, at any time, I will admit it isn't convienent, and yesterday I was freaked out that she might be pregnant, which is when I searched the web for hours going from forum after forum looking at all those who were in a similar situation. Then I realized my real True dream in life is to raise a family and be a good father, although her being pregnant would ruin any other dreams, I'd be okay with it. But, I know this isn't just about me, or her for that matter, which is something else I realized yesterday, and I mean I always knew it but I never realized it.

 

I know what your saying about not taking responsibility, and I can see it in her she runs when things get tough, but I've already inspired her to start taking charge of things, and slowly but surely she's coming around to realize she needs to grow out of this childishness. I geuss I forgot to mention my girlfriend is also 18.

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

That's okay about your goals. But what concerns me is your different perspectives on how you want your lives to pan out. But I also want to you to realize, although you have a plan on how you are going to pull this off, on paper it looks great. In reality, it can be a nightmare.

 

Not to compare my life to you yours but just for case and point, I am 30, no kids, not married...I have a Master's but I am working 2 jobs to make ends meet. I don't own a home or anything like that. It is just the cost of living these days is just out of this world. Seriously. And I know many parents and they all have told me having a child, just in the hospital can cost thousands and this is without complications. And to raise one, is very very expensive. Just some things to think about.

 

I wish you and your girlfriend the best and please keep me informed.

[curtiplas]

Really, what is your master's in? I am surprised that you need to work two jobs, and also I understand your worries about the way we want to live our lives, ideally we see the same picture, but in a case like this she prefers to run and I don't, that's honestly just the way we were raised, my parents let me work for everything and only give help if I can't do it on my own, and even then its only HELP not giving me what I need/want.

 

On the otherhand, she's never had to work for much, her parents give her tons of money, she gets what she wants, and altough her financial skills are excellent and she can save money no problem, she's never known what its like to pay BILLS.

 

Regardless, being with me is giving her a due dose of reality, and she's getting with the program now that she see's what life can be like, and obviously its not an instant change, but she is changing.

 

Thanks for the links they have already been helpful about how I'm going to approach her on the subject.

 

-Curtiplas -

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

I have a Master's in Psychology. LOL Must be why I spend hours on here. hehe

 

Well, I should clarify a bit, I work two part time jobs right now, one is borderline full time though. I am also deeply in debt due an ex boyfriend. The scarey part is once I finished my Graduate degree, it took me over a year to find work in my career. I am originally from Connecticut, I moved to Colorado six months ago, I sent out tons of resumes and only got a few bites. However, when I finally got here, my God's Grace, I landed my current job in a few weeks.

 

But I don't want to highjack your thread. I guess I am trying to write is it tough out there, a jungle. Fierce competition. And the value of the dollar these last several years has gone down dramtically and cost of living is very very high and sometimes daunting. And cannot imagine what it is like to raise a child during these times, you know?

 

You sound like a great guy. Willing to take on challenges. Having a baby I feel is the ultimate challenge. I just urge you and your girlfriend to think very carefully about this and come up with Plan A (what you will do if she is pregnant) or Plan B (what you will do if she is not). In life, you ALWAYS need a backup plan.

[curtiplas]

I would like to thank you for all you help Kellbell, I came to this forum expecting to here alot of what I did here, but I also expected to get the pity of people, like I was just another Sob story, which is not what I wanted. I got people's opinions, Especially yours, which is what I wanted. Again thanks for your help, and I'm still looking for other people's opinions.

 

- Curtiplas -

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

No problem. I am sure if you stick around here long enough, you will get many people's opinions. Also, you can search around in the forums here and look for similar stories to yours.

[Spredn311luv]

Hi Curtiplas,

 

I've read your post and feel like I'm kind of in the situation that you imagine yourself to be in if your girlfriend was pregnant. I'm just about 17 weeks pregnant now and we're a little older but not much (i'm 22 and david is 23)...He works full time, but since he's not in school and doesn't have a degree, its not the best job but it's decent. I'm in school and have one more semester left (after the baby is born in July) and work part time...We've got our own apartment and let me tell you that it is not easy at all. Together we make pretty decent money but still with rent, car payments, utilities plus food and supplies for the apartment we don't have much money left. We're trying to scrimp and save now for the baby and though our parents are going to "help" its still going to be even harder once the baby gets here. And she's also assuming that her parents will do help her like that. But don't get me wrong, I'm so happy about this baby and so is my fiance, but it's still hard...Harder than I ever thought it would be and it's scary once you're pregnant and you have a little being growing inside of you. Basically I'm saying that I think you should really talk to your girlfriend about being on birth control or using some type of birth control. Because maybe you can handle it now, but why not at least try to hold off until you get through school because not even counting baby stuff, paying for books, rent, car payment, everything at the same time, basically, it sucks!...lol...

 

So I guess basically what I'm saying is get yourselves together first, then you guys can have fun and "pleasure" without protection so you know you'll be okay if something happens.

 

Good luck with whatever you do.

 

Angie

[curtiplas]

Yeah very true, it would be hard, I'm glad someone like you replied who has a similar situation. Thanks for your opinion.

 

-curtiplas-

[curtiplas]

So, she's not pregnant, which is good and we've taken proper actions against another scare. Thanks, for everyone's help, I greatly appreciate it.

 

-Curtiplas-

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

That's good. I am so glad you are your girlfriend are taking the proper steps. Thank you so much for the update. Take care!