I don't want to get married?

[nikkers04]

So I have a new road block in my relationship. My boyfriend of about 4 years tells me that he doens't want to get married until he is 27. We both just turned 21. Is that a hint for me to move on?? Am I suppose to date this guyfor 10 years before we go anywhere. HELP any opinion is appreciated!](*,)

[Maverick32x]

whats his reasoning behind it?

[Hope75]

Does he want to marry YOU when he's 27?

 

I can understand wanting to wait until you are both older, have finished college, established careers and have a bit of a nest egg and can afford a wedding.

 

4 years together... but you started dating at what, 16? 17? That is very young.

 

I think he's smart to want to wait until he's older, more settled, and more ready.

[nikkers04]

That we are both young and "we" need to have fun. And that we are only 21 once. Both of his brothers are almost 30 and single and I think he is looking at wanting there life...which to be honest they don't have much.

[Dako]

If you want to marry sooner, looks like you better find another groom.

Don't waste time if you're in a hurry to wed.

 

Seriously, he's smart to delay marriage.

 

Marriage is a big deal to be approached with care. It's easy to be seduced by the trappings of being married, but in a few years the gravity of the situation can be alarming, especially if one of you has doubts in the beginning. Beginning a marriage is a fun thing to do, but ending one is agonizing. Mariage doesn't give security if it's not there already.

You're in a wonderful time of life, and have much to explore.

 

You can do it together.

[Hope75]

That we are both young and "we" need to have fun. And that we are only 21 once. Both of his brothers are almost 30 and single and I think he is looking at wanting there life...which to be honest they don't have much.

 

He's right... you are both young- 21 is VERY young to be thinking about getting married.

 

Are you both in school?

 

Where do you live? (with parents, on your own?)

 

Careers?

[nikkers04]

We live together in an apt have for almost a year now. I graduate this semester from a university and He gets his pilots license in May.

[kellbell]

Hey there nikki,

 

Well, I have a few questions first. Like, are you both in school, are you both settled in your careers, do you have anything you want to do first like travel, get a second degree, etc?

 

IMO, 21 is young to be married. Also Hope75 asks a very crucial question. Is he set on getting married at 27 or set on marrying YOU at 27? That is HUGE difference. I would think after being together for 4 years, you would have realized his views on marriage are and when he was planning on getting married.

 

If you want to marry sooner than 27, I would really re-think where you both are in this relationship.

[Maverick32x]

well, i think it makes sense that he wants to wait a bit until you are both established career wise, and have begun to experience life a bit more..... you guys have been together for 4 years now... you should be able to talk to him about this a bit more.... try to figure out if he wants to marry you, or wants to have fun being a bachelor.

[Hope75]

That is a good start, but he is right that you are still young.

 

Wouldn't you like to get established in a career and enjoy your early 20's?

 

And for him to do the same?

 

What is your rush to get married at 21?

 

Has he said he wants to marry YOU when he's 27?

[Beec]

I think my first quesiton is at what age do you see yourself marrying?

[Suesser Tod]

As much as you hate it, I think he is doing the right thing.

 

See, you are to young. I know you've heard that a lot, but I can tell you that you don't understand why people tell you that.

 

 

Right now you're on the verge of starting your real adult life. That is a huge step, and to be honest, its really hard to tell where that is going to take both of you. Right now you haven't even tasted what is out there waiting for both of you, and two years from now you'll be in an entirely different place from what you can imagine now...

 

So as sad as it is, let the time do its timish thingy.

[rocio]

It's mostly a question of compatibility. If marriage is something you want in the near future, you may need to move on. But even 27 is quite young to be getting married these days. So please don't think that it shows a lack of love, commitment, or maturity on his part.

[Suesser Tod]

It's mostly a question of compatibility. If marriage is something you want in the near future, you may need to move on. But even 27 is quite young to be getting married these days. So please don't think that it shows a lack of love, commitment, or maturity on his part.

 

I think that if anything, that shows maturity on his part.

[Hope75]

Had you ever talked to him about marriage before?

 

What did you discuss?

 

What this his POV when you talked about it then?

[Scotcha]

I'm going to post a different perspective.

 

When I was 16 I was dating someone who was 18. We dated for almost two years and we had a great relationship. He told me though that he didn't want to get married until he was 30 and like you, I couldn't imagine waiting so long to get married.. I would be 28 and with him for 12 years if I had stayed with him. It wasn't that I wanted to get married right then and there but 12 years.. That's a long time and I wanted to be married before then.

 

Our relationship ended shortly after that. It's been years. (We're still friends though.) I'm 24 now and he's 27. I'm getting married in July to my boyfriend of 2+ years and couldn't be happier. He still plans on not getting married until he's at least 30 and he couldn't be happier.

 

I read once in a magazine (Totally reliable source! that whatever age you picture yourself being married at is generally what age you will get married at, and if not usually within a year or two. I don't know about anyone else, but it's true in my case.

 

Anyway, it's just my take.

[arwen]

We live together in an apt have for almost a year now. I graduate this semester from a university and He gets his pilots license in May.

 

Hey Nikki,

 

I think that even living together at 21 is kind of a step. It shows commitment, in that respect I don't get the 'going nowhere' feeling. I think it is reasonable to wait at least until you have experienced your relationship when you both start a career. That is a BIG change, and seeing that you already stuck together during other huge changes (like going from school to living on your own, uni, etc), I think you need not be scared of it going nowhere. Maybe it helps to see marriage for what it is. It is the promise to someone you will be there with him/her forever in whatever circumstance. That means that in order to take that step, it is reasonable to first experience a lot of what can be 'whatever circumstance'. There, the age thing is a factor. Life experience can occur very early, I agree, but somethings, like building a career, entering the 'real' working life with the additional responsibilities, stress, schedules, etc... you are living together and he seems committed... what are you so scared of?

 

What are the 'other roadblocks' you refer to?

 

Arwen

[arwen]

Interesting story Scotcha! I want that magazine... It's funny, I always thought I'd get married between 27 and 30. I am in a very happy relationship of one year, and we both feel we will be together for the rest our lifes. In addition, I will be 27 (*shock*!!!) in a month. Hmmm. HMMM.

 

Arwen

[Day_Walker]

Considering the fact that you were 17 years old when you got together, I think that he is being reasonable. This is his way of saying that he is not going to jump into things and he has no intentions of getting married soon. That does not mean that if that is not what you want then you can walk away.

[Scotcha]

Interesting story Scotcha! I want that magazine... It's funny, I always thought I'd get married between 27 and 30. I am in a very happy relationship of one year, and we both feel we will be together for the rest our lifes. In addition, I will be 27 (*shock*!!!) in a month. Hmmm. HMMM.

 

Arwen

 

You could be on to something, Arwen!

 

But really, I think it all comes down to timing, both in that article I read and in regards to the original poster. If her timing for marriage is sooner than her boyfriends and she isn't willing to wait (I sure wasn't!) it could end up like so many other relationships do.. "The timing just wasn't right."

 

And Nikkers04,

 

If you want to wait for him or if you don't, either choice is acceptable. It's something you need to decide for yourself.

[JoeWho]

I was just like your guy saying I didn't want to get married until I was in my late twenties. I started dating my ex when I was 18 (we broke up this past summer after almost 10 years together) and I always wanted to wait until school was done and our careers where somewhat stable before considering marriage. A relationship goes through a great deal of change when you start dating that young. I somehow had the foresight to realize that things will change drastically from say 20 to 25-26 and that was why I always wanted to wait until everything was settled before getting married. I am very grateful that I made that decision and stuck with it because if I had gotten married at say 25 then right now I would be stuck in the middle of a horrible divorce.

 

In today's world getting married in your mid twenties is considered early. Talk to your guy and just make sure that he intends to marry you when is 28 or whatever age he says. It is probably in the best interests of both of you to get through at least 25-26 before you get married. Believe me, so much changes when you are out of school and living on your own.

 

I wish you the best.

[flower99]

I partially agree with everyone else. I agree that it's a good thing & you can be more establish. BUT I believe that is only the upside...Not what he is thinking & Not his reason! Now if these were his reasons, I would say YES he's a good wise man....BUT what you said is he wants to have fun & basically he idealizes the single life.

 

That we are both young and "we" need to have fun. And that we are only 21 once. Both of his brothers are almost 30 and single and I think he is looking at wanting there life...which to be honest they don't have much.

 

Because of this, I would really wonder. Wonder if he's putting off marriage too have fun & why he doesn't think marriage with you would be fun? Yes it's hard, but you are already playing house, living together with 4 years of dating already...So why not commit? what's the difference? I'd be wondering, is it an excuse to be sure you don't expect anything for a long time.... Does he really want what the life his brothers have?

Sorry to be the pesimist, but his reasons seem off to me. I'd really be talking to him to figure things out and possibly be reconsidering thing (but that's just me,because my plans were to have a family by 30) So what it all comes down to what you want for your future. When you want to get married, when you want to start your family...

 

Nikkers04,

 

If you want to wait for him or if you don't, either choice is acceptable. It's something you need to decide for yourself.

 

I fully agree with this! I wish you happiness