Complicated, Convoluted, and very Hurtful. ~Long~

[HurtDude]

Anyone actually taking the time to read this is seriously going to receive some sort of a gift or something of the sort from me. This is long, but I hope you'll bare with me. This story has been printed elsewhere, but this is the summary and update, alot has changed since i last posted here, still about the same girl.

 

Summary:

I am 20, so is she. We're both in the same University.

 

 

I met this girl back in August who had a boyfriend of 7 years. Her boyfriend lives in another state. She and I became very close and she eventually cheated on her boyfriend with me. For several weeks, things were perfect, barring her boyfriend, and we eventually came to love one another. Then she told him about me, they broke up, and she began to feel really guilty. Slowly, things between us weren't as firey and passionate as they were before. We stopped having sex, and it stopped being that "honeymoon" phase. Before Thanksgiving she told me she wanted to see how she felt when she saw him, since he was flying in to stay with her. They were not intimate but she says as soon as she saw him, she wanted things to return to the way they were with him. He said no to her and she was okay with that. After he left, she and I saw each other, and she kissed me alot and hugged me and told me she just felt guilty.

 

Then Christmas break came along, and she went back to her hometown (the place where her now ex-boyfriend lives). She stayed there for about 2 months, and says she had no intimate contact with him but that she spoke with him daily and say him regularly. She spoke with me daily as well, but not as often as before.

 

Two weeks before she got back, she admitted to me that she felt like things weren't going anywhere with me, that she felt tethered to her hometown and her way of life, and what her boyfriend meant to her. she says he is responsible for alot of things in her life and that he is a huge influence on her. I got really angry and initiated NO CONTACT, as per the advice given on this message board.

 

After two weeks of this heart wrenching ordeal, I finally felt like I could do without her. then my phone slipped up, and sent her a text message. She responded immediately. we started talking again, and she admitted to me that during my no contact with her she was trying to cut her emotional ties to me, but could not do it.

 

Then she gets back here. We see each other the 2nd night she's here. We wound up kissing, and she wound up telling me that she doesn't know anything and that she fears letting me go for regret of what "could-be" she asked me if we could be friends for now and see what happens later. For a while we did this, we remained just friends. But I was seeing her once every 4 days, and this was just so hurtful to me, when all of this started..I was seeing her EVERY SINGLE DAY, RAIN OR SNOW, WHETHER OR NOT WE HAD OTHER PLANS. She always made time for me, like I was the one thing she wanted all day.

 

Not now, now she makes lame excuses not to see me, cancels frequently, or leaves early. I tried kissing her a few times, but she just pecks me quickly and nothing else. We talk through text messaging throughout the day-every day. And we talk for 3 hours every night (by her charge that is, she initiates this type of contact). We talk about everything usually. And sometimes she'll tell me how much she misses me, other times she tells me how much she still loves her ex-boyfriend, whom she keeps in very close contact with (they speak daily too.

 

About a week and a half ago, things erupted between us and we said very nasty mean things to each other. I asked her why things were different now and she said the "no contact" thing really hurt her, and it really takes time for her to heal those kinds of scars. I asked her if she and i would ever be in a relationship and she said she just doesn't know. The next day we saw each other and we sat down and talked about this, she told me there was no way she could ever just stop talking to me, and that purposefully cutting her feelings away for me was stupid. She kissed me (not like before, it was very short and almost forced). after that things were great and we were seeing each other almost daily, she was starting to display more passion towards me in our phone calls. She even hinted at the possibility sex and the romantic stuff we did before (very subtle though, and in an unsure kind of way).

 

Today

Its been 4 days since I've seen her, she cancelled on a movie night we were supposed to have last night. she has a myspace, and her main picture is of her with her ex boyfriend. (no, they aren't back together or anything), and he's visiting her in two weeks. We were talking on the phone about all this, her telling me her plans. somehow we got on the subject of life..and she said "I just feel stuck, [insert my name]" "I feel really stuck emotionally, and I don't know what to do about anything and its really stressing me out"..

 

Later on in the day (about 4 hours ago)..

 

She's on her period, which I think has a major thing to do with what happened. we were supposed to take a class together and she backed out on it. today was the last day to add it and she recently told me she was going to add it, because she wanted to take a class with me.

 

well...she changed her mind AGAIN. Didn't add the class, i got really pissed off on the phone with and just said "i'm gonna go to class now..bye"

 

she said " " and hung up.

 

 

 

 

 

Haven't heard from her since. I know 4 hours is nothing, but this girl can't go 10 minutes without sending me a text message, so she must be pissed at me, even though I really didnt do anything wrong here.

 

I'm at a loss as to what to do here. I know many of you are tempted to say..NO CONTACT but thats too drastic for this situation..ive tried it before with her about 2 or 3 times...it just doesn't work. It doesn't phase her in the positive way at all. Some of you might even want to say , "hey sit down with her and talk about all this' but not even that would work..we talk about "it" so much frankly i think she'll hang up if I bring it up again. And I know what she wants to say..."Things aren't the same way as before and you need to just deal, im very lost emotionally, i still love my ex and he loves me, and my feelings for you are strong but i just cant be in a relationship with you right now"

 

Any thoughts on what could be going on with this girl? How best to approach this, and how best to let her decide who or what she wants. Her is..well...hes just a person shes known and loved for 6 years...i feel like I can't compete and I tell her that often, but she says that I'm amazing in my own rights and that shes so glad she met me...yadda yadda...

 

just very lost and hurt. Letting her go is like burying something alive-just can't do it. So i need alternatives.

 

 

 

 

 

I'm not so much hurt as I am confused.

[Jayar]

Sounds to me like she messed things up with her ex, regrets it, and now is wondering whether or not she should bother trying to make things work with you since she figures she can't go back to the relationship with her ex. She probably resents you subconsciously for what happened. If you stay with her, recognize she is SETTLING for you because she messed things up with her ex, not with you because she truly feels like it's right. You don't treat people you care about like that.

 

She wanted her cake, and when she realized she can't have it regrets the choice she made. She's probably a LOT less confused than she is pissed off with herself. Just an opinion, of course. Could be way off base. But if she isn't treating you like you're the best thing that ever happened to her, in all likelihood it's because she doesn't feel like you are.

 

Best of luck, my friend.

[Lady Bugg]

Jayar made some good points....and, as a woman I will be honest in telling you it seems like she is using you as what this forum likes to refer as an "emotional tampon". Her period has nothing to do with her behavior...she sounds very selfish to me. YOU are allowing yourself to be used by this woman. The ONLY way to prevent that is to STOP talking to her..or stop seeing her at the very least. You said this isn;t an option...well, it is if you want to stop getting dumped on.

Just my 2 cents.

[caro33]

I think that Jayar has put it very well and I agree.

 

HurtDude you have made providing you any advice kind of hard, because:

 

(a) it's obvious she is not in the right place right now to be what you want her to be; and

(b) you seem to be okay (enough) with whatever she gives you and you don't feel able to walk away from this.

 

Unless one of these changes, I'm not sure how you can resolve this issue.

 

I'm sorry, I have no doubt that this feels awful and I would feel just as bad as you. But from an objective position, no amount of clarity into her thought processes will give you the answer you want. Her actions are speaking loudly to you - as I said above, she is just not in the right place to be the person you need her to be.

 

She was with this guy from the age of 13! Wow, that's a lot of history to get past. I don't think you can ever have her heart unless much time has passed and the boyfriend is ancient history. For now, she seems to have chosen him. I don't think it's worth waiting it out.

 

Does she seriously text you every 10 minutes normally? To me that's extreme.

[blender]

Well you can always consider the fact that by "keeping in contact with her" you are losing a part of YOURSELF... She is NOT emotionally healthy enough or mature enough to start building a long term relationship with you or anyone right now.

 

If you choose to stay in her life because you fear the pain of "letting go of what you "hope might be"...or fear that "she" won't like you not just "being there" for HER... well you are then choosing to not set any standards/values for your own heart, and in the long run this could lead to her not respecting your heart either.

 

In fact it seems that it might be happening already... she's wishy-washy about "agreed commitments" whether it be for a date or taking a class.. and that is NOT about YOU.. that is her own life issue... and yet you "choose" to stay in contact with these less then respectful behaviors happening. Why is that okay for you?

 

Setting up reasonable respectful "standards" for someone to be in your life, as a friend or a loved one, is a "emotional boundary" you choose to set, and then respectfully have to choose to live within, and do not "temporarily" change a respectful, reasonable "standard/boundary" for your relatiohnship just because you want to "win" the person into your life. This is "immature, magical" thinking, and can lead to more "misunderstandings" and "heartache".

 

She was in a relationship for seven years, and that "history with someone" is powerful..not "more" important but it is has a hold on her emotionally.. and that is understandable. You can choose to respect this about her, but also respect yourself enough to know that you will not be fulfilled by a relationship or friendship with her right now.. she is not capable of offering you anything "authentic or real" because she is simply "not" emotionally ready.

 

And in choosing to just be on the side lines of her life, as a victim of her emotional circumstance.. you will only "hurt more"... in the long run...

 

It is defining your OWN STANDARD/VALUES that can lead to YOUR happiness with her, or with someone new who "shares" these same values regarding a relationship or friendship..

 

You have to ask yourself some questions and answer them honestly:

 

Do you feel good about yourself when knowing she is still involved in what might be a "loving habit or friendship" with her ex, one that she is still not "clear" on as to what her feelings are?

 

Do you feel good when she "cancels or changes on a dime" regarding plans or intamcy with you?

 

Are you emotionally addicted to her? Feeling like you have to walk on eggshells in order to keep her "happy"?

 

Do you feel as if you are compromising your own gut instincts, by sweeping it under the carpet in "hope" that she will eventually come around?

 

Are you in contact with her because you find the relationship, respectful, fulfilling, secure, loyal, intimate? If "not".. then ask yourself "why" you are still choosing to stay in contact with her.

 

Ask yourself if you are trying to "attain" happiness from being with her, instead of "seeking happiness inside yourself on your own first" so that you are able to "respectfully share" your self confidence, self respect, accomplishments and happiness with someone whom you love.

 

Ask yourself if you are making choices based on "feelings/fears" and ignoring the "facts" while doing so... it's important to make choices based on "both feelings and facts".

 

and your feelings are "you love her, and want to make it work"... the FACT is she is "not ready" and is "not sure". and she is still sort of involved with her ex and at the very least is still emotionally tied to him on many levels..

 

do these stated feelings and facts match up together and add up to some realistic, respectful, considerate, loving, mature, loyal, exclusive foundation of a relationship?

[HurtDude]

Jayar, Ladybug, and Caro:

I'm under no delusions as to what i would be should I ever be in a relationship with her. But its been 3 months since she made me second best to him and i felt as though the time might have changed that. I guess I was wrong she and him do still have a very strong chemistry and deep mutual love for each other. She DOES regret what she did with me, but says it was just the icing on the cake since her 7 year relationship had many problems. When I asked her "If you could go back in time and do this all over again, would you?" she replied with "I'd wait longer and let things with my ex end before I start anything with you. That way we could have gotten off on the right foot" So what you guys are saying is true, but is simply killing it the best way to go?

 

 

 

Blender:

 

Yes is the answer to all of the questions you posed, except the last one. you seem to have a good grasp on the situation, either you're very intuitive, or I explained the situation really well or both.

 

But your advice, though well intentioned and admittedly the right thing to do, is just so hard. Its more trouble than its worth. How do i get her to respect me, without doing it the "im never speaking to ou again" way. I don't think that works with her. she's desensatized to it, if i start to ignore her again..i'm sure she'll say "here we go again...screw this guy he keeps ignoring me.."

[Lady Bugg]

Hurt....I apologize if you took my advice the wrong way....or if it was delivered harshly. That wasn't my intention. I believe sometimes things should NOT be sugarcoated...and in this instance it seemed as if that's the approach you wanted. I don;t think it serves ANY purpose to do that...as it only tends to drag things on indefinetely. Blender is EXTREMELY wise..and she gave you a LOT of good advice.....but my main purpose IS to help you...and to also help you take off the "rose colored" glasses we ALL tend to wear when we are faced with in these situations.

 

NO one wants to believe they are being used...or taken for a "ride"...

but the sad truth is it happens EVERYDAY..because many of us CHOOSE to allow it. No one is MAKING us stay in dead in relationships. The GOOD news is.....it can all STOP. RIGHT NOW. IF you want it to........as long as you are allowing someone else to dictate your happiness.....you will, ironically be miserable. It's up to you.

[caro33]

So what you guys are saying is true, but is simply killing it the best way to go?

 

Well to me it comes down to a basic cost/benefit analysis with the currency of the costs etc mostly centred on your emotional state and your needs.

 

If this is causing you pain and is stopping you from enjoying your life and moving on, then I do think you need to create some distance. I don't know how you enacted the whole "no contact" thing before, but what I would perhaps do is have a conversation with her like this:

 

"[X - girl's name], this thing with us has been great, but it's also been a bit of a rollercoaster ride and I'm not sure I have the stomach to keep going as we have been. You obviously need some time to evaluate how to manage things with your ex, and I respect that. However, I do still have feelings for you, and I also need some time to manage my own situation. Having the constant contact with you is not helping me to do this. I would like to take a bit of a break from 'us' - just a few weeks or so to get some distance. If you need me I am still here, but I would appreciate you not call me for a while. I hope you understand that I care for you very much, but I also won't call you."

 

I honestly think that you cannot see the forest for the trees here, and you need to take a step back. Getting some space doesn't have to be the killer of your relationship; it's not like dragging out this current situation is exactly helping either is it?

[blender]

if she can not respect your feelings, or understand them, then it's time that you step back and take a moment to be sure what you are actually investing your precious heart, energy, mind, and soul into regarding this relationship.. would you feel better expressing to her in a loving way the following "feelings/standards" imagine your self saying the following:

 

"As much as I'd love to stay in contact with you, it's simply to painful for me to be here emotionally for YOU at the expense of my own heart. So out of self respect, I think it's best for both of us to be on our own for awhile so we can each "discover" what our authentic feelings are. Right now it seems we are hanging onto each other out of "fear" of the unknown, instead of being together with love and commitment.

 

I think we both deserve love and commitment..and from your words/actions/choices it's clear to me that you are not ready to do so..and although that hurts me, I will respect your feelings. And I'm sure you can respect my need to either be in your life on respectful terms, where we show up as we promise, and commit to make the effort to make our relationship as couple work, without the cloud of your former relationship looming above us.

 

A break from each other is something we can agree on, because it is respectful to both of us. The alternative of this rollercoaster of "what if's, not now, and maybe's" is not a realistic, respectful, mature way for us to develop a foundation to build a long term relationship on. If you discover during this time of no contact that you do want to exclusively respectfully make an exclusive effort towards us a couple, then of course you may contact me...

 

but until then, it's best for us both to be more realistic and respecting of each other and to let go for now. I love you, and hope you can respect that I wish the best for both of us, whether it be together or on our own separate paths. Please understand this is difficult for me to do.. but staying in contact out of fear that "you" may not like me setting some standards/values for my own heart?..well, that's not a healthy emotionally respectful reason for us to stay in "emotional limbo" together... I understand that right now you are not ready to commit to us.. so please respect that this "alternative limbo" is not working for me or us...it's starting to re-define our precious relationship in whole other light.. and it's not feeling "right". I respect your heart, I hope you can respect mine."

[blender]

I just read your first response to the "self questions" I suggested...and you responded that your HONEST answer to all of these questions listed below was "yes"?? let's go over them again, so you might gain some self clarity...

 

1) Do you feel good about yourself when knowing she is still involved in what might be a "loving habit or friendship" with her ex, one that she is still not "clear" on as to what her feelings are?

 

Your honest answer is "yes".. this actually makes you "feel good" that she is still not clear and involved in some way emotionally with her ex?

 

2)Do you feel good when she "cancels or changes on a dime" regarding plans or intamcy with you?

 

Your honest answer to this is "yes".. you "feel good" when she cancels spending time with you"???

 

3) Are you emotionally addicted to her? Feeling like you have to walk on eggshells in order to keep her "happy"?

 

If your honest answer to this is "yes".. then you are not building a respectful loyal mature relationship here.. you can not walk on eggshells most of the time and maintain your own self respect and dignity as well.

 

4) Do you feel as if you are compromising your own gut instincts, by sweeping it under the carpet in "hope" that she will eventually come around?

 

If you honest answer to this is "yes".. then you are building a relationship on "emotional quicksand" and not on the "facts" of what the relationship actually is revealing itself to be.

 

5) Are you in contact with her because you find the relationship, respectful, fulfilling, secure, loyal, intimate? If "not".. then ask yourself "why" you are still choosing to stay in contact with her.

 

If you answer is "yes" to this one, I find that very confusing... you do NOT SEEM to be fulfilled, respected, intimate, or secure in this relationship as it is right now.

 

6) Ask yourself if you are trying to "attain" happiness from being with her, instead of "seeking happiness inside yourself on your own first" so that you are able to "respectfully share" your self confidence, self respect, accomplishments and happiness with someone whom you love.

 

If your answer is "yes" to this, then you're not emotionally ready to give to a relationship or emotionally open enough to RECEIVE mature, respectful and self respecting love....because that can only start with you loving yourself enough to set standard/values for your own heart..

 

You answered the below question with a "no".

 

7) Ask yourself if you are making choices based on "feelings/fears" and ignoring the "facts" while doing so... it's important to make choices based on "both feelings and facts".

 

So your answer is "no" because your "feelings" and the "facts" do NOT match up... so what outcome are you hoping for by choosing to ignore the "facts"? Are you just "afraid" of setting a standard/value for your heart that she may "reject" and NOT WANT to live within? If that is your "fear" it's best to find her answer out now... because it will only lead to more heartache in the long run if you choose to ignore the facts and choose to stay in protection of your feelings right now.. you might have to lose this girl for now in order to "re-gain" your sense of self... and then maybe the two of you can work on this... but YOU need to represent your own heart here... and right now your heart is not being nurtured by YOU or HER.

[caro33]

"Respect" features highly in blender's version (13 times! ) and I agree with the principle. This is about self-respect - your self-respect - and if your ex/girlfriend respects YOU that should be enough for you to get the space you need for now.

[Eileen101]

Blender is once again so very on point!! I know it may seem to be that Blender is forcing you to be ultra honest with yourself when you may not want that or you may want to hear what you want to hear so to speak but what is the point of posting here if you cannot get REAL, honest feedback. Unfortuneately there are times when we want to know the truth but hearing it is less than desireable. I know this all to well because I too have been in your exact situation. And it is a really tough place to be. I know how hard it is to be honest with yourself about this stuff. Really, I do. I think the hardest part of being honest with ourselves about this stuff is the self respect angle of it all. For some reason we want to be less than self respecting if it means that we will get what we want ( or what we think we want.....which is usually what we cannot have=]) out of our situation. Basically we are willing to settle in terms of what is best for ourselves if we can just have this other person. And it is sad really because even if we do mange to get what we think we want it usually isn't enough because deep down inside we know that we compromised our own integrity to be with someone who really doesn't have a genuine care or concern for us and probably never will. I know that for my situation I really did cut myself way short just to have the chance to love someone that was never going to reciprocate the love that I gave. I look back now and I truly do regret putting myself in that situation. It was so unfair of me to do that to myself. If I could go back and do it over agian I would never have allowed myself to accept less than what I was really worth. And there are so many reasons for that. I really did damage my own sense of self worth and self esteem in more ways than one. I also sent the message to the person that I was with that it was ok to treat me poorly and that I didn't deserve better. Why would I do that, honestly I don't know?? If we don't love and respect ourselves then who will?? I know that one of the qualities that I really look for in a mate is someone who really loves and respects themselves. Because they are just more attractive in general and I know that they will have more to offer in so many more ways than one. Just remember that you are worth more than how you are being treated. You HAVE TO BE AWARE OF THAT!! If you don't stay on top of that no one will do that for you. I know that I learned the hard way, through a lot of heartache and pain and just a feeling of really letting myself down. I was in a relationship with this person for 7 long hard years. He treated me less than because I let him and that is what I settled for. Never agian will I settle for less because it just isn't worth it!! Good luck to you and I am sure you will figure it all out, Eileen.