how shall i go about this?

[-Hollywood-]

so i've been dating this guy for about three weeks now and already twice he's flaked out on me last minute for a date that we've planned for at least a week in advance. the first time he was quite upset about something and didn't want to come out for fear of being a wet blanket, which i understand. but the second time, which was on friday - so the feelings that i have are still quite fresh - he had work to do with a buddy, whom he got in touch with the night before, and yet we planned our date for that night a week in advance. now i understand that his work is important to him, but this is the second time that he had flaked out on me last minute, so i think i have every right to be mad at him. and i am. i've been pretty cheesed all weekend, and it's driving me nuts.

 

we haven't talked specifically about his flaking out on me, but i did tell him over a conversation about something else that i don't tolerate flakes and liars. i know that he had work to do with this guy, but he wasn't even tactful about it - he didn't suggest an alternative time or day that we should make up for the missed date, he didn't apologize until i reminded him that he was the one who suggested we get together friday night and that i had held up all other plans to be with him that evening - all he did was call me up, explain that he had work to do, and asked if we could postpone our evening. i wouldn't have been so upset all weekend if this hadn't been the second time he's cancelled on me last minute.

 

i'm really starting to think that he doesn't care about me as much as i care about him, and i honestly don't know why i'm so upset about this - i would have dumped any other guy on the spot.

 

so now my question to all you lovely smart and articulate forum-ers out there is: should i confront him about what happened friday or wait for him to call me and talk about it with him then? the reason why i'm so torn is 1) i'm so incredibly mad that i may end up saying something that i might regret and 2) i don't know how it would look status-wise for me - the ditchee - to call him - the ditcher - and confront him about this incident. also, he had work to do, which i understand is important to him, so i wouldn't want to look like a suffocating demanding wench when we've only been seeing each other three weeks. but i don't want to look like a door mat either.

 

any thoughts?

 

-H-

[Beec]

Still kind of thinking about this, but I think a confrontation should be, if there is one, about him not doing right by you, twice, and you'll just not going to take anymore of it. Let him simply know that if he is not that interested, because that's how he is acting, to let you know, in which case you will agree to be just friends. Say this firm, but friendly, and you'll find that you probably have a guy stepping right into line.

[EvaGina]

hmmmm, its a hard one because, as you said, its only been 3 weeks and you dont want to seem like a banshee.

 

I would just say "I was really looking forward to seeing you on friday, I know work's work and all, but could you try give me a bit more notice next time?" if you are understanding then he will hopefully be good about it.

[caro33]

Agree with Beec and Eva

 

What bothers me more about this situation is that he didn't make an alternative plan with you. That says something to me, either:

 

- he was so distracted that he didn't think, which is offputting after 3 weeks - he should be more into you than that if it's "right";

or

- he was lying.

 

You didn't speak all weekend?

 

I would say that you have been sent a message - move on. Great if he surprises you in the meantime, but brushing you off with no warning and the not following through or calling all weekend seems like he's not that interested.

 

Sorry Hollywood. Great name by the way .

[ghost69]

did you hook up with this guy already? he may have already gotten what he wanted and is a player. 'my friend called and i need to work....friday night'. hmm, sounds like he wanted to go out with his buddies. just food for thought. you and i could hook up and you will be over him. lol, jk.

i wouldn't take this. i wouldn't confront a chick that did this to me (hasn't happened though). i'd move on and let them call me wondering where i've been. play coy, don't breath down his neck about it. 3 weeks is waaay too early to start confrontation. if something seems a bit odd to you, chances are, they are. i'd go out and meet some other guys. let him call you asking about dates now.

........................................................................................................................................................................................

[-Hollywood-]

yeah we talked about it, and he agreed that it was a terrible thing to do, and that he won't do it again but if he did have to do it again - work is work after all - he would be more tactful about it: set up a time and date to make up for the flub up right away, apologize in the moment, call to check in even if i am mad, things like that.

 

but the thing is, even after all this compromise, how far should i let it go if he does it again? this relationship hasn't reached the serious phase yet, and already i'm feeling stressed out about him. and he still does some questionable things like not calling when he says he's going to call. i'm starting to feel as though he doesn't respect me at all, and worse yet... that there's someone else.

 

-H-

[caro33]

I guess it's easier to say than do, but if I was you I would move on right now. You are already experiencing serious misgivings, and it's still such early days! Get out now before you get too attached. I have made the mistake of giving a guy who's behaved like this "second chances" when I didn't need to, and then I have gotten caught up. It is then REALLY hard. It may well never get easier - for some reason he's just not committed to making this work.

 

If you're going to spend time building something with someone the foundations need to be present - you are building on some dodgy balsawood here.

 

Anyway, the guy who is going to love you to pieces is waiting for you somewhere, why delay meeting him to hang out with Mr Ambivalent?

[Batya33]

I agree with caro33. You've given him enough chances and he is unreliable and doesn't seem that into you.

[Lboogie23]

I think you should probably wait until your not so mad to even say anything about the situation. And i don't think that theres anything wrong with being the one to call as long as you approach the situation the right way.

I wouldn't be too confrontational about it. Maybe just ask him if he's still into you and if he had planned on rescheduling your date.

You haven't been dating him long so i definatley see why it seems hard to approach the situation, but i think you should say something or else you may come off as a door mat. (good luck)