Did I do the right thing?

[mariab.]

I have gone 4 days w/ no contact after my ex basically telling me that it was over and not to hold out hope for a reconciliaton. Well I was driving home from a bar last night and saw him walking, hunched over like he was cold. we both stared at each other, I went a block and turned the car around..rollled up to him and asked him whether he was ok, whther he was fine...he said yeah yeah so I something like ok then, bye just nice not mean like, and turned the car around and kept driving. did i break no contact? i feel awful! i just wanted to make sure evrything was ok..

[MrSparky]

If you care about him then you didn't do the wrong thing by checking he was okay - but for your own sake you should try and maintain no contact because it's easier for you both.

 

Don't feel bad for having compassion for someone who you were close to

[loverUTD]

Yeah, you broke no contact. But it was reasonable. You need to look at why he told you not to hold out hope for a reconciliation. Is it because he feels inadequate and would feel guilty if you waited for him to get his act together? Or because he genuinely believes you're incompatible?

[mariab.]

he just wants to date other people. i was his 1st we lived together and dated for a year and a half. we had a very intense relationship. i guess u can say he needs to test the waters-we both needed a break from each other, I just had trouble understanding the finality of it, i guess in my mind we were both going to part amicably w/ the understanding that we still loved each other, he was going to date other people, i was going to focus on myself and then eventually we would meet again, just keep in touch minimally. i guess a breakup of our relationship-which did have to end- and then a break from each other. (see my other posts:sad: ) I initiated the break and then he pulled the rug from under my feet and wanted total separation a "maybe we will meet later.." I would have just felt like an jerk if I had just kept on driving w/ no aknowledgement. wow, this place is great- i am soo happy i found this forum!

[loverUTD]

That's a tough situation. Personally I don't understand that "grass is greener" feeling of wanting to shop around.

[mariab.]

well...to answer your question maybe it was compatbility, but only in regards to his inexperience and my experience (thers an age difference) we both are pretty much secure in the way our lives are headed, we both want the same things in life, we are both extremely into fitness (he cycles, i do triathlons) right now i am in college w/ a full time job and a kid i share custody with. he is jobless last i heard living w/ his mother (who is like a frat boy almost although lately i see how controlling she can be) he does not have a car or a license. so iguess the incompatability is in his not having a place in the world yet and trying to assert himself while i am struggling for my place in the world and by just years lived am a little ahead. I do wish him the best of luck but i miss him like crazy, he was my bestest friend and i am carrying all this guilt about our relationship so its hard to move forward. I honestly stopped last night to make sure he was ok although he doesnt deserve it after the way he treted me our last night together. (did i really need to hear about all the girls hitting on him and the fact that he is free free free?) anyway i am upset over seeing him, b/c of course i was going to stop, i would be a jerk if i did not aknowledge him..I am glad that I kept driving after making sure he was ok but i wonder what he was thinking?

[Mavis VDSande]

Hiyah - I think you did the right thing. If anything it proved that you're not immature enough to ignore him.

[mariab.]

thanks! it sucks to see him though...so early in the no contact..and the city we live in is a decent size. well, i hope by me just driving away he will realize something, i dont know what yet but something..

[Mavis VDSande]

He'll prob realise that you're not going to stalk him and that you actually don't need him - because you could just drive away.

 

Keep to NC!

[mariab.]

thanks Mavis! the days feel like eons- I know -one day at a time..i know i have not given him a chance to miss me yet, and to see that no, i will not be around..i hope that i dont have to see him again for a long long time! it kills me though sometimes to think what he is thinking? or maybe he is having so much fun right now being "free" that he doesnt think about me. among all the mean things he told me our last time talking was that he did not miss me at all..well he will get his space. i hope that i can stick to no contact!

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i think you need to try to stop thinking about what HE is thinking, and start thinking about building your own life... that is very hard to do, but you are very 'centered' in him now, and are kind of losing your own sense of self and worrying about him, rather than what you should be doing for YOU....

 

you are thinking that his thoughts are 'mean' because he says he didn't miss you and was happy to start dating around etc., but maybe those are his true feelings if he has genuinely decided he wants to date around and a lot of people, and not have a steady girlfriend... he has no time to miss you because he is filling his life with other women, so that might feel like he was trying to be mean to you, but maybe that is just what he is doing. that is very hard thought to take, but he has been very clear on that...

 

he also sounds like he is at a very different life stage, and younger, and most likely wants to go through the dating around stage rather than having a girlfriend and more responsbilities... that is something that won't change in a month or two, or even years... if you are ready to be settled, and he is ready to party, then those two things just aren't compatible....

 

so please don't spend time a lot of time wondering what he is thinking/doing, that will only make you upset and obsess about the breakup... start thinking about YOU and doing things for yourself and your child, getting out, having fun with friends etc., so that you don't have so much time to think about him while you go on healing... start thinking about all your goals, for yourself and your child, not just your goal of being with him... it is very easy after a breakup to just think about the person and nothing else, to lose perspective that there is a whole world out there, and a life for you even if he isn't the center of it...

[mariab.]

ouch! bestrongbehappy, cut me some slack! we stopped talking 5 days ago and broke up 2 weeks ago! u r right in everything u say, however i am not ready to settle down either, i need to work on myself and care myself for a long long time. i will move to the stage of not caring about him but it sure didnt help seeing him last night! i was so used to thinking about him that its natural. i am beginning to move on, i guess all the questions i hve revolve around trying to figure it out and move on from there..but allright, i'll stop being annoying and stop asking about him...

[BeStrongBeHappy]

maria... you are not being annoying! you are just doing what lots of people do when they first break up, which is to try to 'guess' what their boyfriend is thinking because they can no longer be with them and have that kind of close contact... it keeps the idea of being with him alive, because you are thinking about him rather than seeing him. sometimes it is just better to try to not think about him so much, because he is really no longer available to you and it just hurts and makes you miss him more...

 

it is also easy to assume that he might have just been mad when he said stuff like 'i don't miss you' and 'i'm dating other girls...' or looking for some deeper excuse than what he told you... it is such a shock to be the one who is left, that we just can't believe that the other person really is moving on, and so easily... but most people who are the ones who leave have already been thinking about it for a while, so it is not a shock or surprize to them, and the reason they left is exactly what they told us, even though it is hard to believe..

 

the point of focusing on you rather than him is to get the distance from him you need to get through the breakup, and he seems to want to be free, and you seem to want a boyfriend and have a child to take care of as well... that was all i was saying, that maybe you are at different life stages in terms of he doesn't want to be serious with anybody, or have responsibilities, and you do want to settle in with a boyfriend who is exclusive, and do have more responsbilities than he does or maybe wants at this point in his life...

 

it is natural to think about him, but i think what people here try to do is to help you get the focus off him, and onto yourself, since he really isn't there for you anymore, and thinking about him all the time is probably quite painful and it makes it harder to heal...

 

so there is absolutely no criticism of you here, just trying to help you refocus on yourself rather than him, since he is saying some hurtful things about not missing you etc., so better to assume that he is really gone, and heal yourself...