My epiphany -Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)

[afonselaca]

I found a website tonight after looking up this term and it opened my eyes to my past, present and future.

 

This website describes link removed and I couldn't help but get completely emmersed because it describes my brother to a tee... and my mother to some extent although I suspect she is borderline moreso... and my last relationship regarding how I have been struggling to just let it go but there were so many things about him. I was trying so hard to make it work. I can see so many things that now I know why I've been trying so hard to win him over... and why it won't ever work.

 

I grew-up struggling with difficult mother and brother. It has always been my fault for so many things all these years. Until now. Tonight my eyes opened up to the sheer personality conflicts and endless tears I have shed trying to figure out what the heck is so wrong with me.

 

Everything suddenly makes sense. This is the missing puzzle piece. Thanks for letting me share all this with you because I can't tell you how this knowledge affects my life... but in a good way now that I have answers, can make better choices and can get over things that have happened in the past because it really wasn't ME all along.

I'm not to blame. I'm okay!!

I'm free! Halleluah!!

 

wow. I finally understand my family. I feel like I need to see a counselor NOW

 

 

[Dako]

Borderline disorder is another matter

 

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[FortunateOne]

I completely understand your eye opening experience since it too happen to me. Check out this book "Help, I'm in Love with a Narcissist":

 

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This book really made me understand about my mother's character flaws and how to deal with them in a healthy manner.

 

Another book that furthered my relationship with my mother was "Bad Childhood... Good Life: How to Blossom and Thrive in Spite of an Unhappy CHildhood":

 

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I discovered that all my relationships prior to the discovery of this were related to being raised by a narcissist.

[g1234567890h]

That's all very interesting and enlightening but are you even remotely qualified to make that kind of diagnosis?

[afonselaca]

Dako -thanks for the link. I want to learn more about borderline personality disorder and that is the first site I've seen that wasn't clinical definitions only. My mother had me under a constant threat that she would do herself in at any time. I felt so responsible for her feelings, safety, welfare, etc. when I was a teenager especially. Our roles were reversed.

 

MoneyGod -thanks for the book references. I will definitely read all the material I can get my hands on. It would be interesting to talk to you more about your experiences.

 

mgirl -I wonder if it is underdiagnosed. Things could have turned out so different had my brother been put into treatment. He was a monster to grow up with but at present the problems revolve around sibling rivalry and my father (who my brother was reunited with five years ago thanks to me)

 

Here's a quick rundown of my brother. Feelings of entitlement, cynical, lack of empathy, told me that people don't care to hear what I have to say so I should stop trying, gripes about everyone all the time, has been absolutely cruel to me in front of other people and is extremely secretive. He would refuse to answer his door or phone when he was punishing me but he moved to my father's city a year ago so we are not in contact at this point. He remains envious and competitive in regards to my father and wishes to cut me out of the picture completely.

 

His sarcasm would come out when he was retaliating against me as if I had attacked him or hurt him in some terrible way. He needs to hurt me to feel vindicated. He is simply difficult to spend time with. He's the most important person. It's all about him.

 

q -no, I'm not qualified to diagnose anybody and that is why I said I need to speak to a counselor. I nearly fell off my chair while going down the list of traits as I could associate almost everything to my brother. He has made my life a living hell. This is the first time I have had something -anything- to back me up as my mother couldn't EVER see it, obviously, because she had her own issues.

 

I grew up thinking everything I dealt with was normal. I went to counseling after my mom passed but personality disorders weren't the topic. Instead we talked about my anger and how to accept people for who they are... not why they are the way they are.

[FortunateOne]

MoneyGod -thanks for the book references. I will definitely read all the material I can get my hands on. It would be interesting to talk to you more about your experiences.

 

 

Sure, no problem.

[mgirl]

That's all very interesting and enlightening but are you even remotely qualified to make that kind of diagnosis?

 

Yes, just about. Are you?

 

I am not trying to be a psychologist on this site. If i was, i would say so. This site is about offering opinions and that is what i have done.

 

So... qualifications aside. I am allowed to have my say and i have.

 

Understand?!

 

People like you strike me as the kind who are too shy / reluctant, or timid to express an opinion, so have to put others down for expressing theirs.

 

No, that is not a diagnosis.

 

Just an opinion.

[Daligal83]

Wow..that sounds so much like my ex! He constantly would talk abut himself like he was the greatest thing. He would say how he's the smartest person in his class, how he's the best worker at his job, how he was in a "gang" and knew this really powerful guy, how his club at college was the best (even though it got derecognized!)...the list goes on and on. He also wanted to be the center of my world and if he felt I put anything above him, he'd throw a fit. He was even jealous of my niece, who was an infant at the time! He was also pretty emotionally abusive, criticizing everything I did and reminding me that he could cheat and I wouldn't find out and that if we broke up, he'd find someone faster. Oy..so glad to be done with that!

 

Thanks for posting that link...I knew something was off with him, but it's nice to know there's a possibility that it's a diagnosable thing.

[francisscott]

For those of you who are dealing with narcissistic guys/gals i am sorry to hear that. There are plenty of people that are simply asses full of themselves that don't give a $hit about anyone but themselves. As a guy I have known several quasi narcissist men and women but only one clinical narcissist. There is a world of difference. In my case it was a girl I lived with for a short period in my mid 20's. She was actually tagged as having a somatic histrionic narcissistic personality disorder with borderline tendencies by a psycologist she tried to use against me.

 

A true NPD is the essense of a malignant personality disorder. These people are essentially like carnivorous plants with legs. You are nothing but prey. People can be cruel, insensitive, gerks with narcissistic traits. A true psycopath is far different. They would actually kill you, or have someone kill you with glee.

[novaseeker]

I agree -- there's a difference between people with narcissistic traits and a true NPD or HPD person. If you've ever come accross a clinically diagnosed NPD/HPD person, you'd probably know it after a while -- they're quite the extreme case indeed. I was involved with someone once who had been clinically diagnosed HPD (I didn't know what it was before meeting this person) and it's whole new world if the person has one of these personality disorders in a clinical sense.

[whitewillowwm]

I agree -- there's a difference between people with narcissistic traits and a true NPD or HPD person. If you've ever come accross a clinically diagnosed NPD/HPD person, you'd probably know it after a while -- they're quite the extreme case indeed.

 

Quite an understatement really. Unfortunately for me, I spent 3 years involved with an N and it was nothing short of the most "brilliant mind f--k" that can be imagined! N's are not people with just a few narcissistic tendency's....true N's are completely devoid of any feelings of guilt or remorse and yet the worst part of it all is that they are completely unaware that they are doing anything wrong.

 

If you really think that you are dealing with an N, please go to MSN Groups and search for "narcissistic personality disorder". There is a massive group full of information, story's, forums and support systems in place a nd read, read, read, read, read!!!!

 

You are in my prayers!

 

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[Excalibur]

Here's the bottom line - it doesn't matter what type of issues, disorders, baggage, or problems other people have....if you have self-esteem in every way - you will walk away from people that you don't admire, respect, and accept for who they are...not who they could be, should be, or the title they hold.

[Excalibur]

If you "care deeply" about a self-destructive person - it's because you're twisted yourself and like to feel good about yourself in comparison to a screw up.

[Excalibur]

Try this:

 

"I want the best for you as you determine it to be".

 

That's a statement easy made and held to as a standard of interaction if you admire, respect, trust, and accept the person as they are.

 

That allows you to stand back and without evluating their intentions or needs which you can't know - you accept that they're doing what they intelligently and resposibly believe is best for them...to meet their goals and needs.

 

Until you can say that about someone - you don't really love them, and compassion and enabling are very similar, the only difference is YOUR intention and perception of life, not thiers.

 

If you see someone in self-destruction....it is compassionate to give them what feeds them for a day - to continue the cycle. Or give them respite for awhile, so they can rest and gear up to repeat the pattern? No...that's enabling.

 

Is it compassion to intervene and lock them away so that the patterns they choose and accept as right and comfortable cannot be utilized - yes, but most lack that level of sponsorship for that type of compassion.

 

Is it compassion to allow them to do what theyr'e doing, and if it meets with the inevitable result of death - at least they're out of their misery while you are not negatively affected by thier actions in association - yes, that is compassion and everybody has the financial ability to institute it.

[Aschleigh]

But if A person has a personality disorder, they cannot determine what is best for them.

It's like having a sick internal regulater. It will lead them to make bad decisions that hurt themselves and others.

A narcissist will not determine ( in accordance with society's morals ) what is best. They will use people and hurt themselves and others in the process.

They lack empathy. They need some help.