Trust and Control

[plains_wanderer]

Forgive me if I summarize roughly. It's late and I'm worn out.

My GF is very controlling of her environment, due not a little bit to a traumatic event in her past. In addition, the family she grew up in was cold and emotion was looked down on. Now, she's in a relationship with me and I love her to death. I can definitely see us together for a long time--living, loving and being good for each other.

The problem is this: she spends time with a friend that I've not been allowed to meet. This friend is male and in an open relationship. My GF insists that she has no feelings for this guy and would never cheat on me and I believe her 95%. The problem is that she refuses to budge on helping me winnow down that other 5%. Only after hours and hours of long, long discussion has she relented to a "quick hello" sort of meeting--no discussion, no sit-down over coffee, nothing like that. Just Hi and goodbye. When I ask her if we can have a conversation over coffee or something she says, "maybe in a few weeks or months." Her argument is that I might cause a scene with my jealousy and that it would also set a precedent of me 'screening' her friends.

She says I'm trying to control her life.

She's agreed to join me in couples therapy, but I'm so scared.

Has anybody overcome this sort of issue before? Am I wrong for wanting to meet this guy for a conversation? Which way does the balance swing when on one side we have (worst case scenario) me making a scene and creating an awkward moment between her and her friend and on the other side me continuing to be confused and hurt and distrustful? Is this issue really all about me--I'm I the one with the problem here?

I'm trying and I'm trying to make her realize how dire this situation really is. I will love her no matter what and I will take care of whatever needs taken care of to make sure she's not left high and dry in ANY case. I can even get over her having a relationship with this guy. At least then we could work on our relationship or call it quits. But this uncertainty and this secrecy and the way her need for control cuts me out of parts of her life is driving me crazy.

I'm not at the end of my rope yet, but I'm coming close.

I'm scared and I'm hurting and my only hope is that a professional will be able to help us but failing that, I need to know that I'm not alone.

Please refrain from speculating on whether or not my GF is cheating; aside from it being an unknowable quantity, I don't have the stomach to read that sort of thing.

Thanks.

Plains_wanderer

[birdgirl]

I wouldn't date anyone who had a friend of the opposite sex that I couldn't meet. I don't think that means you're screening her friends, at all. It's fishy.

[g1234567890h]

Well, I'm not sure how long you two have been together and how much you trust each other. My girlfriend has mostly guy friends and they are very attracted to her and she sees them alone all the time. She regularly talks to her ex's and I even hung out with one of them once, just me and him. He was a cool guy, I can see why she went for him. We played football in the dark and talked about philosophy.

 

I have friends of the opposite sex and I hang out with them, too. She's fine with that. When we were dating we were actually seeing other people before we decided to commit and then we dropped the rest.

 

There could be a few things that are going on here. It could be one of three people, it could be you, it could be her, and it could be him.

 

Maybe she doesn't want you to meet him because you make such a big deal about it. In her mind you might scare him off. You might try to intimidate him or ruin their friendship. Girls really value their non-sexual relationships with males and I bet she doesn't want to lose that. I don't know who you are, but that might be what she's thinking. Maybe she thinks you have to approve of her friend before you can be in a relationship with her. You said, "Her argument is that I might cause a scene with my jealousy and that it would also set a precedent of me 'screening' her friends." And I think you should take that very seriously. How long have you two been dating? Maybe she's just not ready for you to meet everyone in her life. I sure know that I'm not ready for my girlfriend to meet everyone in my life.

 

Some other things might be going on. Maybe her friend is a drug addict and she doesn't want you to see him. Maybe her friend has a lifestyle you won't approve of.

 

I would really not jump to conclusions that she's cheating on you. I think it's something that you should try to open up slowly. Ask about his personality and get to know him through her, and see what happens. Maybe she'll open up to you about him.

[caro33]

I guess I would prefer to understand a bit better the history of her friendship with this guy and the nature of the conversations you have had with her about him.

 

You see, I can imagine that if she thought you came on strong about him to start with, and talked about meeting him man-to-man, she might now be putting her foot down about it. I can imagine feeling like this under certain circumstances. Do you think you might have behaved in a way that she could justify this at all?

 

The alternative is that you have just been mellow and said "hey, maybe we can all see a movie sometime" and she's been clear that's never going to happen because you guys aren't going to meet. That would make me worried if I was you, and I personally would find that behaviour from her much harder to justify.

 

What suggests to me that this situation might be more the former than the latter is that you said she didn't want you to meet because you will get jealous. Do you think there is any truth to that or is she just projecting onto you?

[blindfold]

maybe she wants to feel that she is not tottaly depending on you... meaning that she still has some "mistery" to her life, some part of it which keeps you wondering what is going on... may be harmless, may be not, that's what you have to find out...

[EvaGina]

There is no such thing as %95 trust, you either do or you dont... and you obviously dont.

Tell her... She would most likely be upset if you had a female friend you didnt let her meet...

 

I know why you are anxious, if she was totally open about you meeting him then you probably wouldnt care, but if she is acting like she has somthing to hide, she probably does.

[Juha]

Was going out with a girl who did this to me...Had a friend she talked with alot...

Said that we could hang out and have a drink sometime, she told me no she did not want me to meet him, told me that we would not get along and that I would not like him and start an argument...

 

So I kept bringing this up and we would get into an argument...I told her I have no friends you can't know or meet...Till I said one day it would be better if we did not go out anymore as I don't trust you, so pack your things up and leave my place...

 

She did or could not understand why I was doing this as I was fed up and did not want to deal with it anymore...If this crap was going on now what would happen later???

 

She was more immature than I thought...

 

Stand up for yourself and don't back down from anyone no matter how much you love them...