Does a year still make it fresh?

[pacopaco]

actually, it'll be in Februaury that it'll be a year. for a 7 year relationship, is this still fresh?Is it fresh for her? I ask because I have a lot of anger right now. all last year she wouldn't not leave me alone, which was partly my mistake. I've had NC (so has she) for a little over a month now. is it because we saw each other periodically last year, that things still seem raw? I still feel pain, and anger. when does it go away?

[VeganBohemian]

They say it takes exactly half of the length of the relationship to get over it, but I don't believe that. That would mean for a 7 year relationship, it would take you 3.5 years to get over it. But, I think it varies for everyone. I am sorry you are in so much pain. What is it that you are still angry about?

[flower99]

I've come to realize that it had to be this way. for me to learn what I did & to be able to say goodbye.

it's been 2 years since my relationship ended bably...I still feel some pain but more so anger towards him...But it's fading more with the time. I haven't forgiven him for a lot of things....I think I need to do that.

[pacopaco]

I feel angry. I guess it's all just coming out. I feel that she had the audacity to cheat on me, and not even try to try hard to get me back. I feel as though I was just clutter to be removed. I'm reall angry. I've been for about a week now.

 

They say it takes exactly half of the length of the relationship to get over it, but I don't believe that. That would mean for a 7 year relationship, it would take you 3.5 years to get over it. But, I think it varies for everyone. I am sorry you are in so much pain. What is it that you are still angry about?

[melrich]

I am not surprised it is still a raw issue with you after a year. But hopefully the intensity of your feelings are less that they were at 1 month/3months/6 months etc.

[kekep]

For a 7 year relationship, I don't think that a year is so long. Anger is a stage that we all must go through in order to move through the healing process.

 

I don't want to put you off, but have you considered seeking therapy? It may help you sort through your feelings a little better.

[pacopaco]

I feel like i'm degenerating. I posted about this yesterday. I went to her house (she's two blocks from where I work) and rang the buzzer, like an idiot not expecting to hear anyone, but she answered. I took off. in the year that all this has happened, I haven't done anything like this. I wasn't stalking, or calling or anything, and now it seems like i'm starting to do those things, like becoming obsessive. I don't like it, and I don't like it about myself. I don't know what is happeneing with me. Actually, it could be that anger is just running with the emotion of leaving the apartment we shared.

 

I am not surprised it is still a raw issue with you after a year. But hopefully the intensity of your feelings are less that they were at 1 month/3months/6 months etc.

[onelittleladybug]

Pacopaco -

 

I dont know if it helps, I dont even know if this makes sense... But I personally believe that those who go very intensely and deeply through a loss actually get completely over it after a while. But those who distract themselves too much may be dealing with this for a really long time. Originally I had this theory about when someone you love dies, because there was a period in my life when many people I loved died with just a few month in between and I was a complete mess for a couple years. And I mean a MESS - I wasnt functioning in life. I wasnt working enough, I couldnt keep up at school etc. I felt like a huge loser because everyone else seemed to be dealing better than me. But I got over it eventually and I started a completely new and very exciting life. Then a few years later I reunited with an old friend. I knew her dad had passed away while we werent in touch and she started telling me about it. When her dad passed she didnt deal with it at all, she was in complete denial for many years. Then one day it hit her and I was around when that happened. Boy I will tell you - I did not want to be in her shoes then. She was completely lost for a couple years because it was so late after the fact when she finally dealt. Being around for that made me think how deep I went and how well I finally recovered and that it was actually relatively fast. I now think of how Ive been dealing with my breakup for the past 7 months, and how my ex has been dealing and I sometimes think that because he seems to be avoiding it, it might actually take longer for him to get over it even if he was the dumper. I may be wrong... but I might also be right.

 

So I guess what Im trying to say is - its ok if you are going through all this pain right now and it wont be like this forever. The fact that you go through it so deeply says a lot about you: It says that you are a person who is able to love deeply and wont run away from your feelings. Thats really precious and no one can take that away from you.

[smiles21]

Sure, I would say its still normal to feel pain after a year. Seven years is a long * * * time. I dated someone for four years, and its been three months. I am feeling better, but I still have setbacks and miss her like crazy.

 

Things happen for a reason friend, keep moving forward, it gets slowly easier.

[ellen23]

Hey PacoPaco

 

I have to tell you that I only had a two year relationship and mine ended a year ago in January. The length of my relationship was not even half as long as yours and I am still very sad. Actually I am feeling severely sad for a few days already and it feels so intense as if we just broke up a week ago. The difference though is that I still have a lot of contact with my ex and I think that is why I am in the stage I am. I still did not give up hope for us to come back together and as much as I wish I could move on, inside of me there is always something that keeps me hanging on to my ex.

I already started some therapy but not even that seems to help. I always have set backs.

Paco, I really think that it is ok that you still have these feelings. People are different and that is why some take longer to let go of someone they deeply love.

[JoeWho]

A year is not that long to get over 7 years, especially if you have had contact with your ex. I myself am 5 months into getting over a 10 year relationship and while I have come a long way, I still have an even longer way to go to be over it enough to want to date. It gets frustrating when you set a goal of being over it by such and such a date. Lately I just dont care when I am over it, it will happen when it happens and as long as I feel I am making progress each month then thats good enough.

[pacopaco]

Hi Ellen, i think you're right. I also had a lot of contact last year with my ex. in fact, the last time I saw her was the day before New Year's Eve where i asked her not to contact me anymore, so in reality it's only been a month of NC, so maybe that's why I feel like it's happeing all over again. I also had the hope all last year of reconciling, but it didn't happen. I think what I am finally going through is the loss. she hasn't contacted me, and I have not contacted her.

[pacopaco]

Hi Joe,

 

ten years? man, I new my ex for that long, too, though we weren't together for the first three years we knew each other. It is difficult. are you still in contact with your ex? why did you guys end?

 

 

A year is not that long to get over 7 years, especially if you have had contact with your ex. I myself am 5 months into getting over a 10 year relationship and while I have come a long way, I still have an even longer way to go to be over it enough to want to date. It gets frustrating when you set a goal of being over it by such and such a date. Lately I just dont care when I am over it, it will happen when it happens and as long as I feel I am making progress each month then thats good enough.

[moonflowers]

Hi pacopaco,

 

It's been 10 months since my ex of around 2 yrs dumped me, and I'm still struggling, so don't worry, you're doing fine. There's quite a few stages to this process, I guess - first you're sad about the breakup, then you're sad when you lose contact (NC, etc), and finally you're sad when you hear that your ex has moved on and found someone else (stage I'm in).

 

You're in one of the more emotionally upsetting stages right now, coming out of denial and really coming to terms with the fact that she's gone, the apartment's gone, everything's really ending. Just let yourself feel everything naturally and then let each feeling go. Don't feel bad about being a bit "crazy" right now, as long as you don't hurt anybody/yourself or break the law. Holding your feelings in will only hurt you and come back to bite you later on, as other posters have said.

 

Good luck in your healing!

[pacopaco]

is that what this is? no, I haven't down anything too crazy. I just want this hurt to end. I guess I am feeling like everything is really ending. I have been having thoughts as to whether she thinks of me, etc. I guess also having a month of total NC is really pushing my feelings, not that I'm about to contact her.

[moonflowers]

Wanting the hurt to end is a good sign; it means you know you're in an unproductive situation and need to move on to better and brighter things.

 

If you want to know more about what you're going through, I recommend reading something about the five stages of grieving. Denial's the first stage, and you seem to be coming out of it now thanks to the month of NC (always good!), and moving into the others. Unfortunately you have to go through the mess until you can get to the final stage, acceptance.

 

Just approach the next few months with the mentality that "this too shall pass" - at some point it's GOTTA be over. Some days will be harder, some days will be easier, but if you keep up the NC and don't give up, you will definitely get through it. Every time you feel the hurt and the anger and the sorrow, just experience it, let it go, don't judge yourself about it, and one day it will all be gone.

[pacopaco]

that's the thing, Moonflower. Sometimes it's all day. sometimes it's everyday. Still, I think this new, as it has been a month of NC, and I haven't not taken it this far all last year. Sometimes I just wish that it never happened. If she didn't want to be with me, I could understand falling out of love, but she ruined the friendship we had prior to being lovers. I know I shouldn't dwell on "what-ifs," and I don't do that too much, but we would have stayed friends and actually would have come full circle if she hadn't left the relationship the way she did.

[moonflowers]

In the beginning, the first few months or so, the hurt can be all day, every day. I was totally crippled by it - it was something like shower, eat, sleep, finish schoolwork; pick three out of four for a given day.

 

Thankfully it does not last forever. This went away on its own after about three months of pure daily pain. It's nearly a year now, and I've done a lot of really high-stress things after that and I haven't been half as bad off as when that happened.

 

So don't give yourself too much trouble about it if your life is a bit of a wreck now and you're stuck feeling horrid all the time. Just feel it and then let it go - if you tell yourself, "I shouldn't feel it, that's weak of me," then you aren't letting yourself grieve and move on.

 

It's sad when you look back on something so beautiful that was and just couldn't be. But don't give yourself unnecessary hardship over it. You did all you could do, she probably did all she could do. Once your own pain is less intense, you'll be able to see that maybe she was suffering from her own issues too. You both did your best, and unfortunately it wasn't good enough, but you don't have to think of it as a mistake and regret how it came out. It's good to remember what went well, but also good to remember what didn't work out - so you're ready for next time, whenever that is.

[Cyprian]

Pacopaco:

 

Every post of yours that I read seems like something that I could have written. I feel that my situation is so similar to yours - what is even more weird is that both of our relationships have lasted seven years, and then ended in HER cheating on us, something we both thought was impossible.

 

The only major difference that I can see is that within the first few days after I realized she cheated on me, I cut off contact. You stayed in contact for a year first, but now I believe you are on the right track. Every day I want to call her, and every day I want her to call me even more. I love her so much even though she did this. It seems almost impossible that I will ever get over this...

 

It is helpful to know that WE are not alone. It shouldn't make me feel better that other people are suffering just as I am, but then again I feel good knowing that other people may be learning or healing from reading about my situation, or yours for that matter. Thanks for sharing with us, pacopaco, hopefully we will all get through these horrible times of betrayal, humiliation, and pain.