Needing clarification

[Nicotinic]

I'd like some impartial advice from anyone who can tell me who is being out of order here.

 

We've been together almost 5 years, and have a 2 year old son. He started Uni in September (as a mature student) and there made friends with a girl B. I can't stand B, she is (in my opinion) amoral and a . My boyfriend has had 'online' things with girls in the past, that in my eyes was cheating (y'know, full works online stuff) but has never cheated 'in real life'. I still have trust issues about this. B and my boyfriend see each other most days. She doesn't go more than a few minutes without mentioning sex (as aknowledged by my boyfriend too). She's sex obsessed. She's willing to cheat.

 

So, along with seeing each other most weekdays at uni (and at the pub sometimes, and every single time he has been out at night with friends, which hasn't been that often) chatting regularly on MSN, having conversations I am uncomfortable with (and say so), they also text each other lots. Looking at the online bill of texts, ALL his other friends were one page, I was one page, and texts to B were 3 pages. He thinks this is normal, I say it isn't. I'm hurt and upset and angry, and he doesn't see why.

 

Throughout their friendship, I have been lied to about things. He bought her a pregnancy test in the first few weeks which I found out about months later. He hid a text message last week he thought I would be upset at (it wasn't that bad AT ALL... It was NOTHING to be pissed at!), and there have been LOTS of other lies too, nothing major that I know of though.

 

So, opinions?

[Ellie2006]

Hi there Nicotinic,

 

Welcome to ENA.

I am sorry, though, to hear of the circumstances that brought you here.

 

If I may ask: have you guys tried to discuss the issues concerning his lying and the possibility of his cheating?

 

If you are telling him that his behavior is hurting and upsetting you and his only response is "I don't see why you're angry and upset," his insensitive unacknowledgment of your feelings is rather disconcerting, IMHO.

 

I understand your hesitance to just get up and leave as there is your son to think of ... BUT I do wonder, though, how much longer should you have to tolerate his rather disrespectful behavior towards you ??

 

Please do consider frankly discussing this w/ him and please give some thought to couple's therapy. If he simply blows off your concerns as nothing (or you overreacting), then you will know that he is NOT willing to acknowledge and value *your* feelings in this relationship NOR is he willing to upkeep a healthy relationship with you. Based on how he responds, you can make your decision about what steps you may wish to take next.

 

What do you think?

 

Take care of yourself and good luck!

 

And please know we're here to support you.

 

Hugs,

Ellie

[Underdelusion]

I prefer the direct approach.

If one can not ask a partner a direct question. then there is no partnership, IMHO.

Just ask "Are you wanting a relationship with B?", or "Why don't I talk to B with you?", and see what answer you get.

[CallingAllAngels]

The most sincerest, best advice I can give you is to get OUT of this relationship...at least you are not married.

 

He's lying to you. Don't you think you deserve better than that? C'mon now...you do.

 

Good luck to you...

Allie

[BeStrongBeHappy]

that is way, way too much contact with another woman when he is supposed to be your boyfriend, and you two have a child together, married or not...

 

and if the woman is being really sexual in general with him, there is also a chance that she is indeed having a fling with him behind your back... maybe she's the type who agrees it is just for sex and hence tells him she doesn't want to break up your relationship, but it looks to me like that's exactly what she is trying to do...

 

i'd definitely talk this out with your boyfriend and tell him you are uncomfortable with how close he is with another woman, not appropriate if he wants to be with you and your child as a family... if he doesn't agree to cut it off with this woman socially (i.e., knock off the texting and meeting and talking all the time), then i'd take that as a red flag that there is something more than friendship between the two of them...

[anggrace]

You are not in the wrong for feeling the way you do at all! If he has lied to you and you know she is a cheating kind of girl you should be worried. Why dont you all hang out? Does he invite you to spend time with them? After all, that what friends do, right?

[Rabican]

I would not tolerate this sort of behavior from a partner. Ive been down a similar road once, and I simply will not for any reason... no matter how much I love the person, do it again.

 

I would simply tell him how you feel about the situation. And tell him that you want it to stop. IF he doesnt comply, I would walk away, and tell him to have a nice life with "b"

 

But thats just me. Ive done this before, and I dont think it will improve. You will only grow bitter, more untrusting, more spiteful of her. Your relationship with him will crumble in mistrust and doubt and all the while, he will accuse you of just being controlling, or worried about nothing etc.

 

THis girls behavior, and his behavior are both out of line. Its behavior for someone who is single, not someone who is in a committed relationship.

[Kalika]

I read and then reread your post and I'm just sitting here wondering WHY you are putting up with this.. Honestly hun, is he worth your ability to love and trust people??

[Emmylu]

He does not care about you. He does not care if you leave him.

 

Doesn't matter what he says. Action speaks louder than words.

 

Even if you don't leave him, one day he'll leave you. He's probably sick and tired of hiding things and having to explain himself to you anyway.