Not Intimate As Much

[KimNYC]

Hello Everyone,

 

I am not sure if I am looking for advice or maybe an explanation. My Boyfriend and I have been together for a year. I am very much in love with him and still find him very attractive. I am not sure he feels the same way. We hardly have sex. Lately at night he stays up later than me or if we go to bed together he falls asleep right away. He knows we are having problems. He knows I feel very hurt because of his lack of interest. He apologizes, and says he knows there's something wrong but he doesn't know what. I don't think he's old enough to be changing (42). He has led a very active sexual life before me, as i have as well. There have been some very serious things going on for him that can be stressful, but I am not sure it warrants months of intimacy problems.

 

I am not sure where I stand anymore. As I said I love him dearly, and I really don't think he's cheating. He does have a lot of "girlfriends" that he's been friends with for years, but they are platonic and other than one, they are also long distance. the only one i have problem with calls a lot because she is a very needy girl and for whatever reason, he feels like he has to be supportive of her. She also knows I don't like her...

 

I'm sorry I went off subject. Anyways, I am not sure what to do. If this goes on i think I am going to have to make a decision. I know sex is not everything in a relationship, but for me it's a very big part of it. I enjoy it and it makes me feel more attractive ect...am I being selfish?

[jsx730]

No, you are not selfish.

 

Sex is a very important part of a relationship. There very few ways you can feel that strong of an intimacy between the two of you.

 

Unfortuenatly, your problem is quite common. My relationship is the same way, only it is my girlfriend who's libido has dropped.

 

It's not always problems with the relationship that can cause this though. Has your boyfriend been any extra stress lately, maybe with work or family? Have you both been busier lately, having less over all time for each other? Things like this can really hamper ones sex drive...

[zerohalo]

I swear, lately it seems like I'm channeling parts of my own life onto this board through other posters. We really aren't alone in this crazy world, huh?

 

Just from my own personal experience, and this is going to sound really really bad, but I was in nearly the exact situation you were in, and as it turned out my ex was cheating on me. This doesn't mean it's happening to you, but I found your situation earily similar.

 

Frankly I don't know what else to say other than you might need to confront him about it, although not in an acusatory manner. I also felt that my ex wasn't cheating on me... right up until I confronted her and discovered the truth.

 

And believe me, I really hope I'm wrong.

[KimNYC]

We spoke about that today. He said that he doesn't want to cheat because I make him very happy. But I am not sure if this extends to very casual sex (one night stands?). Yes there has been stressful things. Unfortunately, it seems like every month there's a new dilema on his end. My life is very bagage free thank God LOL!!! I was thinking that maybe I am starting to remind him of all the stress he's been going through, just the fact that I have been there for him through most of the stuff that's going on.

 

It's gotten to the point that when I think about it my heart really hurts and I really don't like this feeling.

[jsx730]

It could just be that he's so stressed out, that he can't really get into the mood to have sex. That's how my girlfriend is. She has so much more going on now with school and work then she did when we first got together, not to mention now we live together and we both have the extra responsibility og maintainign an apartment.

[Beec]

OK, first of all, I doubt that from what you describe that anything, besides some of the stresful things, is going on outside your home that is creating this situation. I think what's happening is happening right there, and it's probably that there is nothing happening, nothing changing. When things are always the same and nothing changes, then things can be taken for granted. Also,when something is there for the asking, to be had whenever he wants, he will want it less; we want what we cannot have, and the rarity of something creates inate desire for it. My guess is that you probably go to bed every night is next to nothing and he sees you naked all the time, so after a while he cannot help but take the idea of your naked body for granted, which is the last thing he would want if he thought about it.

 

OK, first things first. Don't ask for sex. Take the topic and drop it for a while. He knows it bothers you, he really does not want to hurt you, and he especially does not want to be reminded of this. Moreover, you need to get into his head and the only way you are going to get into it and be able to do what you want is if he really does not know what you are trying to do.

 

Second, stop letting him see you naked and eroticize your body. Treat it as if it is not something he gets to see normally, but also as if it is something that is to be treated like precious jewelry. For example, go out and maybe get yourself some classy silk pajamas and wear them, most nights, and also get a luxurious bathrobe and put it one when you get out of the shower. Also, take to wearing at times, stocking, garters, etc. Wear sexy things, but let him think you are wearing them for you, because you want to feel sexy. When he seems to be missing the sight of you, then at times, begin to tease him with sights of you; pull the bathrobe down so he almost gets to see a nipple, and then say "no" with a flirty smile. When he seems to really want to see it, let him, but them also make him do something else, like lick your nipple, and whisper in his ear about how he really enjoys the taste, then go to work. Walk in one day with only stocking on under a skirt, and slowly lift the skirt up, then stop, then lift it up give him a quick look and hide it. Then lift it up, put it over his head and tell him to go to work. Ask him if he likes the smell and then taste in a sexy voice, make him get you off, then walk away. Even when you get naked, and are going at it, make there be doubt as to what will happen. At times, refuse to get in his favorite positions, or get in different ones. In short, create tension, make the outcome of your sexual encounters with him become in doubt. Make him wonder what is going to happen. And when he is unsure about what will happen, then he will want to make things happen.

[candy604]

instead of sex, can you both start off with just cuddling or making out etc...see if that is still there?

[KimNYC]

Thank-you both for the help. Candy- Yeah we cuddle all the time. At this point that's all we do. It's funny but I feel like I'm the guy who wants to get down, and he's the girl who just wants to cuddle...

 

Beec, I have a lot of beautiful PJs from LaPerla. I don't have the stockings and garters anymore, but I will get some. This morning was hard, but I have resolved myself to doing what you say. I don't want to talk about it anymore and I'll just try to stay pretty and sexy if not for him but for myself. Thanks again.