Do you have the right to ask your partner to stop going to lap-dancing clubs?

[RayKay]

why doesn't everyone just stay home and husbands give your wives lap dances and let them pay you and wives give your husbands lap dances and let him pay you instead....

 

(sorry, I'm just being sassy)

 

I am guessing because neither of you would want all your friends there gathered around for beers while this was going on.....in the couple times I have gone to stripclubs (they were for bachelor parties too actually, many years ago!) it has been more about the people getting together to shoot the you-know-what than anything else...most have not paid much attention to what is going on on the stage itself...

[Kevin T]

I wouldn't stay with a woman who was into going to strip clubs and whatnot.

 

Sure, she's entitled to do whatever her little heart desires. Just as I am entitled to choose to be with someone who doesn't spend her time there. It doesn't sit well with me, so I'd have to move on and find someone who doesn't go to such places, the instant I learned of her taste in such activities.

[cantexplain]

I believe I hear you and understand where you are coming from. In my case I was a fairly worldy guy in many, many ways (still in my early twenties though) before I even knew or cared what happened in the "red light" district XXX Live girls nude nude nude places. And I had grown up in Atlanta and attended school in Manhattan. Then one of my best friends in high school had a bachelor's party at one such place in Atlanta.

 

I went for the same reason you describe above. At the time I thought it was a good thing to do. Then I came back a second time to the same place and just in order to be without all these good old friends so I could check out this titilating scene on my own. I did find the experience stimulating - and through visual perceptions. It did not feel right to me but didn't really have a rationality for this. I think my girlfriend was just more attractive to me because she was someone I loved. It was not so much about guilt or morality as it was about what I wanted. She was sweet and pretty and sexy and with beautiful eyes and she loved me. I was lucky, come to think of it. What would I have done if I did not have a girlfriend?

 

It was so long ago I can't know for sure but I don't think she knew of the bachelor's party and certain she did not know of the return trip.

 

We are still friends and she has shared with me her visits to one strip club where a friend of hers works. So I don't think the bachelor's party dimension would have been a problem. My guess is that the second visit might have been hurtful by its very nature. And withholding this info would have been disasterous to trust. We have a different kind of friendship now and my guess is that if I "confessed" she'd just blow it off. The crazy thing is I wonder now, after reflecting on it all, if my withholding of this second trip may have taken a chip out of my ability to be truly intimate with her. This would not have been a conscious thing for me at that time in my life. But I do believe there is some possibility to this.

 

Now I am older and feel I know a whole lot more about sexual, visual titillation and its connection to all sorts of other things. But this is just me and my experiences and the kind of people and whose thinking has influenced me over the years.

 

I also feel I know a whole lot more about love than I did then.

 

I think it is fine to show support and friendship to our guy friends having such events if you've asked your girlfriend to speak honestly about how this would make her feel. If it made her feel bad I would recommend that you not go. Your friends should understand, if they are real friends.

 

Me personally, after reading all this stuff and thinking about what I want to feel and how I want to give in a devoted relationship, I could not go even with her approval. I would not want her to even think I was the kind of guy to even consider it - because I am not.

 

Moreover, I do not have a girlfriend at this time, and I definitely still will not go - these places are known breeding grounds for prostitution, drug addiction, alcoholism. I can not carry association with these places into my next relationship - any more than I already have to. And I don't want to feel that I am participating/contributing any way to those enterprises.

 

Listening to some of these women on this site, and of whom I believe to know what they are talking about - would just hear that I went a second time for my own pleasure and intrigue would be enough to worry them. I think it worried me at the time.

 

These days I just care about myself, about families, young women vulnerable to the money or attention and the rest of scene, and about community. I think it is also appropriate to consider the many men who might get caught up into going to those places. We haven't heard from any who have, yet. I bet it is an addictive behavior like porn can be. I also deeply believe that the objectification of people as sexual objects, if done repeatedly, is quite damaging in the long run to personality - at least those who may wish to be able to truly love someday. (This is another topic.)

 

And think about it these places are everywhere! There can't be that many bachelor's parties afterall. There must be many addicted men. I guess only the bartenders know the regulars. It would be an interesting thing to look into. The effects of porn and strip clubs and lap dances and prostitution on men should not be brushed aside or taken lightly.

 

The best hope is that they are there and we are prepared to not get pulled in and changed in any deleterious way.

 

Another hope is that people who work in these places and the guys who frequent them are working through their own, more heavy perhaps, stuff and these are outlets that allow them to get this stuff out of their system and move up and out and beyond. In balance, however, I don't have much hope for that hope. It seems wiser and safer to deal with such things in other ways.

[cantexplain]

quick question:

 

are there strip clubs that don't do lap dancing and then some that do - or is this distinction due to municipal code?

 

I always thought that lap dancing was available in all strip clubs, unless such contact was illegal.

[Lboogie23]

its definitely okay to ask them not to go.

But in the end its really their decision and you have to ask yourself if you can live with that

[TiredMan]

Seems you a thing about the places in general to begin with, much less in terms of going when in a relationship.

 

See, I bring up bachelor party because how many times does that happen? We all hope once per person. I could not forgive myself. See I'm not going to s trip club because I like em (I never have because I don't believe in paying to see women naked. I feel they should pay me to see me.)

 

But I am just going to wherever it is (of course it has to be legal) to celebrate their day. Honestly, if it was at a brothel, I would still go. I just obviously wouldn't do anything.

 

One could use the same logic you used different. If she REALLY loved you, she would let you go for this special reason. Is she puts her own insecurities before your loyalty to a friend getting married, then she isn't a giving person.

 

For me personally, if my SO said "if you go, I will leave you" then I would consider calling her out on that. If I didn't leave her, I would cancel her invite to the wedding itself and go myself.

[cantexplain]

Seems you a thing about the places in general to begin with, much less in terms of going when in a relationship.

 

Correct, thanks for pointing that out.

 

See, I bring up bachelor party because how many times does that happen? We all hope once per person.

 

Makes me wonder how/when this concept of bachelor's parties had anything to do with strip clubs. There has got to be some history to this. Were there bachelor parties without hired sex objects? My guess is not. It just seems skanky and why even get the marriage rite even closely connected to it. It just seems demeaning to the fiances if nothing else.

 

When I get married I will NOT do this. I will do my fiance - or be thinking of her if this were the pre-marital state we chose to be in.

 

I feel they should pay me to see me.)

 

How about taking your clothes off for free because you want to and the other people want you to?

 

 

One could use the same logic you used different. If she REALLY loved you, she would let you go for this special reason. Is she puts her own insecurities before your loyalty to a friend getting married, then she isn't a giving person.

 

 

This is an excellent point and it needed to be made. It made me think for a moment, for sure.

 

Firstly, the question is not if she would leave you, it is how it makes her feel.

 

And love is not about if the other loves me then...

 

Love is about the what is good for the other.

 

All we (you and I) have a say-so in is our love for her, not theirs for us - that is their thing to do with their love.

 

Seems a moot point to some, but the best love is not conditional in the "if then " way you seem to be describing above, in my opinion.

[CarnelianButterfly]

Makes me wonder how/when this concept of bachelor's parties had anything to do with strip clubs. There has got to be some history to this. Were there bachelor parties without hired sex objects? My guess is not. It just seems skanky and why even get the marriage rite even closely connected to it. It just seems demeaning to the fiances if nothing else.

It really is a tacky practice and I would call off a wedding if I knew my supposedly loyal and loving spouse-to-be did that. It really does cheapen the meaning of marriage. Getting married isn't an excuse to act uncouth and pay for sexual acts (stripping is a sexual act). Its a celebration of love and a commitment to your partner, people who would feel entitled to act thusly as a bachelor party are not respectable candidates for marriage (might be why the divorce rate is so high and usually in the first years of marriage).

[EvaGina]

different strokes and all

I wouldnt mind if my bf went and got ~A~ lap dance on a boy's night out... (as long as there was no actual touching) but if he was going and getting lap-dances, that would just irk me.

 

I have nothing against porn AT ALL, but I am very threatened by the thought of my SO getting that physical with someone for anything other than novelty value

[MacGyverRI]

If a guy (or girl) is going to strip clubs there is something wrong w/ him/her unless it's a mutual thing where they are going together.

 

Personally, I don't do strip clubs and would rather go on a date which would probably be cheaper and a lot more rewarding.

[TiredMan]

I don't think there is anything wrong with going, if that is your thing. It's not mine and never has been. No woman is worth me paying just to see her. Unless she can do something special like in sports or singing or what not.

 

Some people seem very strongly against their SO going to one, even if it's for a bachelor party. They need to put their own insecurities aside. if my SO wanted to leave me because I was going to one or having my own one, then let her go. She isn't worth a second of my time anyway.

[CarnelianButterfly]

It has nothing to do with insecurities; it’s an issue of morality and conviction. Something I would never ask my partner to put aside.

[amtjrtcet]

I think he has the right to go lap dancing clubs, brothels, orgies, swing parties.

 

The same way I have the right to walk away and find someone else that is not into that.

 

very well said

[TiredMan]

I feel it is all about insecurities. If someone doesn't want their partner to even go to a bachelor party if it's there, then it is clearly an insecurity on their part. And I think the person being asked not to attend is better off without that person.

[Northalius]

I say it's more about respect for a committed relationship.

 

If you want to go this far, then shall I go further, and say "A girl is simply insecure because she refuses to willingly let her boyfriend have sex with another woman. Hey, it's just physical sex, no love involved! Just to get his rocks off! Nothing wrong with that! Right?" ?

 

Would that simply be insecurity? I don't think so. There's much more to it than simple insecurity; there's mutual respect for the commitment involved, also.

 

Yes, my example is more extreme than simply going to a strip club, but they're still related to each other: They both go against mutual respect of a committed relationship.

 

The same as how robbing a store is not nearly as bad as killing someone; does this mean that robbing a store is okay to do? Don't think so. Never make up excuses for something that is wrong to do, just because it's not as bad as going to extremes. That's a bad slippery slope to slide down, and eventually, you'll hit rock bottom.

 

Sorry... too many put spins and twists on issues like this; it's no wonder there're so many breakups today.

[Northalius]

It has nothing to do with insecurities; it’s an issue of morality and conviction. Something I would never ask my partner to put aside.

 

Agreed 100%.

[TiredMan]

OK going to strip club for a special occasion is now equivalent to those? One is a crime in many places (adultery), one is not. Going to a club is not.

 

Hey why not lot let the guy go to Yoga class because there are so many in-shape women at them who wear tight outfits? Why not let them go out because women hit on him? It's all about insecurity.

 

Again, you are differentiating between someone who would regularly go and someone who goes because it's a special occasion. And if I had friends who wanted to have a bachelor party at a brothel, I would go. I just wouldn't do anything.

[CarnelianButterfly]

I would never even consider a man who had EVER been with a prostitute or visited a brothel. Does that make me insecure? No, its something I strongly believe in and it is my choice.

[TiredMan]

I would never even consider a man who had EVER been with a prostitute or visited a brothel. Does that make me insecure? No, its something I strongly believe in and it is my choice.

 

That's a personal choice and obviously you are allowed to choose whatever you wish.

 

I have my own as well. For example, I would never be with a woman who needs makeup to look presentable. If she can't go natural almost all the time, then she isn't for me. I also wouldn't be with a woman who has had many partners. Definitely not for me.

 

Being with a prostitute is a far cry from having been to a brothel (I use that word other than the -blank-house one) . I went to one of those places when I was 17. Not to do anything but a friend went to be with one and it was either go in or stand outside in the cold. I had/have no interest in that stuff, yuck! But I got to tell you, some hilarious stuff happened in that place lol.

[MacGyverRI]

Hey why not lot let the guy go to Yoga class because there are so many in-shape women at them who wear tight outfits?

 

Sure, that's it, let out that secret pickup spot......

 

Hot YOGA!!!!

[TiredMan]

Sure, that's it, let out that secret pickup spot......

 

Hot YOGA!!!!

 

It's crazy there. It's like 95 percent female in those classes and most of them look good lol.

[MacGyverRI]

I know it is, but most don't, errr didn't....

[TiredMan]

I know it is, but most don't, errr didn't....

 

Many do though. Is that your little place that I let the world in on?

[MacGyverRI]

Many do though. Is that your little place that I let the world in on?

 

Nope!

 

I have had offers to go w/ girls I know though.

[TiredMan]

I haven't gone yet. I do yoga myself at home but haven't gotten to the classes yet. I've seen em while I was stretching. Maybe I'll try it but I noticed it was too slow for me. I do power yoga to get the cardio burn and they seemed to be doing it differently.

 

But I may try it once just for the view.