Getting off to a good start with guys..male and female advice appreciated greatly!!

[BrokenHeart82]

A little background..Ive been in 3 serious relationships (6 months plus) with one resulting in living together for several years and engagement. These were my first experiences.

 

When my long term 5 year relationship came to a mutural and civil close, I gave myself several months before I tried dating. In the past year Ive dated many men, and only had one experience that lasted more then a few weeks. I am smart, attractive, successful, have my own activities and circle of friends, etc...no major character flaws I can spot

Now of course my family and friends do one of two things..the ones who know that im worried that Im never going to find true love reassure me "Youre wonderful, those guys just didnt see it!" The other half who dont know im worried at times think I am a "Buzzsaw" and that im just going through guys like tissues on purpose. Ive been called picky, I think I just have expectations of a man being a gentleman and being true and honest to his word...couple that with treating me with respect and it seems a hard combo to find

ANyhow, here is the question

 

Beyond just sitting back and letting things unfold..what are some steps I can take in dating to help things get off on the right foot without stomping out the fire before it begins?

 

Guys what are things that women do early on that have you looking for the door? Girls..what have you done with dating that helps things get to the next level?

Ive heard talk of the stages of dating..I seem to make it to stage 2..the doubting stage or whatever and thats when it falls because I get impatient!

 

One fault I do have is falling in love with the infactuation stage and becoming worried early on if a day goes by without a call or if a text isnt answered immediately. I have tried to curb this. I think I am a little too Type A for the dating scene

 

Thanks!

[anggrace]

Its possible that the men sense your eagerness and are scared off by this. I would suggest you try to take things more slowly. Dont have so many expectations. Just feel it out and let it happen more naturally.

[Beec]

Listen, and when you do it make eye contact. The biggest thing I notice about with women is that the talk too much and talk too much about themselves, how they feel, think, etc. Make sure you do not talk most of the time.

 

Pay attention to his body langauge.

 

Try to do things with him that will help him bond, and that means activities not all talking. Shoot pool, go bowling, go for a hike, do something.

 

And wait at least a few days of no contact before contacting him, and do not seem worried when you do, act confident.

 

Act confident at all times. And then when you are, flirt a bit. Turn that on and off.

[BrokenHeart82]

BeeC....I do talk alot but I ask questions about the guy and listen when they talk. I think this non listening thing must be prevalent because ive heard form previous BFs after dating awhile "wow, you were listening" when ill remember something they said weeks back.

 

What should I be looking for with body language in the first few dates? With the doing stuff I try to listen to things that were both into and try to suggest that..bowling, hitting a movie they mentioned that im curious about, etc.

 

I think my technique is good..I am good at snagging the second, third, fourth date..but it seems like my expectations start to skyrocket and I can tell its scaring them off as the other poster stated.

 

I guess mainly I probably just need to calm down and realize that there is no race to the finish line.

[Day_Walker]

Typically before I ask a girl on a date I will invite her out when I am with my friends. I look at her actions, does she show up on time, what are her mannerisms, is she considerate, how she acts in social situations. I also look at what she believes because I know certain things will cause problems so I look for those.

[BrokenHeart82]

Ive had alot of guy friends from when I was little, have only in the last few years gotten a close female circle..sooo I usually get along well with the guys and their friends.

 

It is more of a moving past that first couple weeks thing....finding the balance between showing my interest and being tooooo interested and invested too early.

[Batya33]

Beyond just sitting back and letting things unfold..what are some steps I can take in dating to help things get off on the right foot without stomping out the fire before it begins?

 

Guys what are things that women do early on that have you looking for the door? "Girls..what have you done with dating that helps things get to the next level?"

 

I allow the man to do most of the initiating, calling and planning in the early stages and I screen out quickly the men who are unreliable (i.e. they cancel a date more than once without a legitimate excuse, they don't adhere to their specific promises to call and confirm plans more than a few times without a legitimate excuse, etc). I have very general discussions about future goals - early on - not specific to me of course but in general - all of the men who were seriously interested in me raised this general discussion - or even more specifically - in the first few dates.

 

Consistent with my values, I hold off on sex for the first few months at least until we are exclusive and I don't see the person more than twice a week at first so that I keep my head on straight and get to know him over time.

 

My very presense engenders respect and being treated like a lady - I've been told this several times by men I've dated. I carry myself with respect, I am respectful and kind to others including strangers, and I am quietly assertive without being arrogant - and still maintain femininity so that men feel comfortable being a gentleman around me. I am a trooper - I hike, go to sporting events, have gone camping several times - I don't do manicures or pedicures more than once every few years - but I am not "one of the boys" in general.

 

One fault I do have is falling in love with the infactuation stage and becoming worried early on if a day goes by without a call or if a text isnt answered immediately. I have tried to curb this. I think I am a little too Type A for the dating scene

 

I am very type A but I have the self esteem and confidence to know for sure that if a guy is sincerely interested in me he will call me when he says he will, he will ask me out on dates he plans in advance and puts effort into and after the initial stages of dating I will feel reasonably secure because he will keep in touch with me. Of course, because I am reasonably secure I don't expect a call every single day (my boyfriend and I do talk at least once a day though) particularly in the beginning. I keep a busy, fulfilling active life so that I am not too focused on whether an email is responded to right away or a call. I also am self-protective so that he doesn't get to be that integral to my life until we've been dating a few months and are an "item."

 

A few times in the past few years I have called a guy when I felt insecure about not hearing from him. In one case it was after date three (but we had known each other for over a year) - he reacted well, took me to lunch that day, but in all I think it wasn't the best move. In another case it was after 6 weeks of dating (and about 15 dates but not exclusive) - he felt badly that I had worried and called me regularly after that but I do wonder whether that was a turn off or a concern to him (we broke up about a month later for unrelated reasons).

 

I am really against texting or IMing as a way of substantive communication in the initial stages because from what I hear texts sometimes are not received and it is too informal/impersonal and then you make yourself too easily available to be contacted - most men even if they don't admit it enjoy the courting process and texting is more what they do with their buddies. If he texts you a lot I would try to get things off that track and more on a phone/seeing each other in person track.

[Beec]

BeeC....I do talk alot but I ask questions about the guy and listen when they talk. I think this non listening thing must be prevalent because ive heard form previous BFs after dating awhile "wow, you were listening" when ill remember something they said weeks back.

 

What should I be looking for with body language in the first few dates? With the doing stuff I try to listen to things that were both into and try to suggest that..bowling, hitting a movie they mentioned that im curious about, etc.

 

I think my technique is good..I am good at snagging the second, third, fourth date..but it seems like my expectations start to skyrocket and I can tell its scaring them off as the other poster stated.

 

I guess mainly I probably just need to calm down and realize that there is no race to the finish line.

 

Wow, that is a different story. I misunderstood your first post.

 

I think the suggestion about calming your expectations is correct. Mismatched expectations sink more relationships than anything else. I know that when I was dating one of the things that always kept my expectations in line was when I had a rotation. Dating a number of people did not allow me to do the things that higher expectations do. I could not see them or call them too often. Seeing them once a week was pretty much out until I was seeing only two women. And it made me drag my feet. I've never tried to work a rotation as a woman, though.

 

Being aloof and independent, not needy or clingy is about the best thing that one can do to make someone want you more.

[rnorth]

Hi BrokenHeart -

 

I am just speaking for me, but I do think this is universal and applies to both genders. I typically am attracted to women who have different things going on and their own set of interests. I especially like women who have found a passion of their own; they love their career, they have a hobby that they hold dear, etc. I appreciate that time is precious to them and that they want to share some of that time with me, but I can't expect to have all their time. I like to feel appreciated, but not needed. I understand also that women appreciate being pursued and they may let men do more of this work in the beginning -the first few dates at least. Its not necessarily a game, but it may feel like one.

 

So my advice is to find something that you enjoy for yourself; do what you love; be what you want and then share that with someone else but don't hold to expectations. Love thyself first! Then you will attract love to you and that love will be much richer for it.