What do I have to lose?

[Liaka]

So, Im not normally the type to post anything about my personal relationships, but at this point I feel like I sort of need some advice from an outside source. So here goes nothing!

 

I have had a very rough 2 years. For the last year and 1/2 I decided to pick up and move about 1,000 miles away from where I had lived most of my life and where all of my family resides to live in sunny Florida. This was a big step for me, and something I never thought I would have the guts to do. In that time life was hard, I worked ALL the time but hardly making ends meet, and I ended up with a roommate from hell who put me in debt about $5,000, and stole from me and keyed my car in the process. At this point my parents had convinced me to go home so I finally, very reluctantly, gave in. Then at the very last moment, life took a turn for the better. One of the guys I worked with agreed to be my roommate and take over paying half of the rent (since my evil roommate ditched me with the bills). Even though I was still planning on leaving, I couldn’t break my lease so I agreed and took it as a blessing.

 

Now, I am totally not the type to swoon over guys, but lets just say that this guy was pretty amazing. Totally gorgeous and just an all around GOOD guy (which I thought didn’t exist, at least not in that combo). I wasn’t looking to start ANYTHING with ANYONE due to the fact that I was moving, and hooking up with a roommate is just bad news. Buuut... lets just say it happened. It wasn’t anything serious, but at the same time it felt like it was emotionally. The bad part is that it happened the week before I left to go home. The way we left things was that I was planning on coming back as soon as I got a new job (which he even had all his family, who didn’t even know me yet, helping me with). I really didn’t think anything was too serious due to the fact that we had one week ‘together’. But one night while we were talking on the phone he was telling me how lonely he was. I thought it was simply due to the fact that he had recently done exactly what I did the year before. He also moved away from where he grew up to take a crack at life down in Florida also. But as the conversation progressed he told me that he wished I could be there so he wouldn’t be so lonely, and once again I thought well of course... he misses his roommate and he hasn’t made close friends yet, I would be lonely too. Then he proceeds to tell me he wanted me there so he had someone to come home to every night... (by this time I was in shock) But it didn’t end there. He told me he suddenly felt like he was ready to settle down, and it was another reason why he wanted me back down there. At this point it really got my hopes up, here was my dream guy telling me he wanted to settle down with me... Almost too good to be true! So we left it at that and went on with our distance and normal lives.

 

Then during another conversation, he was telling me how he really wanted to move back home, but he didn't want to if I wanted to go back down there, because that’s where I was happy. He told me he doesn’t know anyone like me in FL or where he is from… (once again getting my hopes up). After this conversation he even talked to my BEST friend (and we all know when a guy talks to a girls best friend he HAS to know its going to get back to her in about 10 seconds) and he talks to her about the situation. He told her he just wasn’t happy there and really wanted to move home. But he was reluctant to do so because, as my friend quoted, his girl wasn’t there.

 

Since the moment we met I have related to him in a way that most people couldn’t do. We shared a common bond in the fact we had both been through much of the same experiences and we both knew what it was like to be away from home. From day one I have told him to do what makes HIM happy and not to worry about me. If he wants to go home I will totally support him (but we really didn’t talk about what would happen with us, I think because we were afraid to do so).

 

Well, a few days before Christmas I got the calls I had been waiting for and I had 4 interviews set up for the first week in January. I was SOOOO excited!! I got to fly back down there for new years eve, and I really didn’t know what to expect. I really thought things might be awkward since it had been 2 months since we last saw each other. As soon as I flew in I had my friend take me to the party he was at. The first thing he did when he saw me, was give me the biggest hug, and told me he didn’t want to let me go. That night was pretty much the perfect night. He kept hold me and apologizing for not letting me go because he missed me so much, He kissed me at midnight and held my hand and introduced me to his family. I thought it odd that he was so open with everything right in front of his family so soon, but it was a good surprise. The next week was pretty much perfect. We picked up right where we had left off. It really felt like it was a very real relationship. His friends even referred to me as his girlfriend, and all of our mutual friends saw us together. Things became a lot more serious in this week, and I felt like this was really going to go somewhere. Before I left he asked me what would happen if he did move home. I told him it would be up to him because I was up for anything. I asked him what would happen with ‘Us’ and he told me that we would only be four hours away, and we could have weekends together. Then he flat out asked me if I would ever move to where he was. I flat out said yes. He said having me and being ome would be so amazing… But, All this time I was thinking he probably really wouldn’t go back, so why worry?. Then the time came for me to return home and wait to hear back from the companies I interviewed at.

 

About a week or so after I had come back, he called me and told me he wanted to move home for sure. I was heartbroken. Why would he decide this right after I had 4 interviews that went REALLY well?? Why couldn’t he tell me before I flew down there and invested so much into coming back?? But of course I was supportive of him, because I know what a struggle it is to decide to go home or stay. I told him once again to make himself happy before anyone else. I knew how hard it was for him to even break this news to me because he knew how happy I was there, and if he left it would be too much of a hassle for me to find a new roommate again so I wasn’t going to go back if he left. So we talked for a while and I reassured him that he needed to be happy, and we left it at that. In the mean time I was a total mess…

 

Now we are going through the process of ending our lease and the other night he called me to talk to me about the paper work. I made a comment about him being back home and forgetting about me, just joking around, and he told me he wouldn’t forget about me, and that four hours wasn’t far at all for (here is the kicker!!!!) “GOOD FRIENDS”. I wanted to crawl in a hole and die… I made the mistake of texting him later that night to tell him that I really wished things between us could have worked out, but in light of everything I though he was the most amazing guy I had ever met. And he didn’t reply… I’m not sure how to take his lack of a reply, but I know I should have kept my thoughts to myself at that point.

 

How did we go from having an awesome connection, him telling me he wanted to settle down with me, us spending every night next to each other, him asking me if I would move with him, to good friends?? At this point I don’t know what to think, and I pretty much feel used, especially emotionally. This guy is a keeper and probably the most amazing guy I have ever met. I know things happened really fast between us, but I figured when things are right, sometimes it just happens that way. I would totally be willing to move for him, given some time of course. But after everything, a long distance relationship for a while wouldn’t be that big of a deal, and nothing we couldn’t handle.

 

After the friends comment I have been totally crushed. I don’t fall often, and I don’t fall easy, and I hardly ever get crushes. But I started falling for this one, and I was pretty much smitten with him. I thought the feelings were mutual, and my friends who saw us together thought so too. I can’t help but think something scared him away… I really want to just let loose and ask him exactly where we stand and tell him exactly what I want and EXACTLY how I feel for him, but I’m really scared its going to push him away. I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make it work… would he be scared to know that? Or even scared of my feelings for him? Basically the good friends comment scared me to death, and I’m not sure how honest to be at this point. I’m afraid that if I don’t speak up now, I will lose him for sure. I’m just at a point in my life where I have nothing holding me back… I’m in-between careers, and I know I don’t want to live in this area anymore. How should I approach this situation now? Be totally honest, and ask for total honesty in return (no matter how much it may hurt), or just let things go and see how good of friends we can be four hours away? HELP!!

[aymee_lee]

Are you sure you didn't read too much into the good friends comment? Maybe he said it without meaning too much by it...and then you texted him saying you wish things could have worked out. Maybe he's thinking 'What?! I thought they were working out'.

 

Have you spoken or heard from him since then? I think you need to talk to him and see what's up.

[sweethurt]

look, if this relationship is meant to be and if he really was into you given that was not just a transient emotional phase, then the 'good friend' remark may be just to leave a teaser or little hurt out of his desire to make you take him more seriously. I am saying this because from what I read above, I dont see you make any big steps towards the realtionship, and until now, only he has shown signs of real interest as to express his feelings openly and introduce you to his family, you are still to do these things on your part. And he has been honest with you to tell you that he wanted to move back home, although he delayed the decision, but remember that came only after you gave the signal. Moreover, you agreed flat out to move where he was, may be he was waiting. And then you text that "you wished things worked out fine" meaning now they cant and that "he was very amazing" is just a compliment...

Now, the first thing you should do is follow the advice you gave him, do things that make you happy first. Then, probably, you can contact him and let him know how you feel lonely the same way he did, and how you so wanted him to be closer and wanted to settle down..just like he did.

If his response is positive, you can read the omens and take further steps. Ask him if he still wanted the fabulous combiation of being with you at his home. I am sure he is still into you and is just waiting eagerly for you to make a move.

[friscodj]

Welcome to ENA Liaka! Great to have you here and a great comprehensive first post.

 

Wow, there is a lot to say here.

 

The first thing that is apparent is that you are making a classic mistake...you are letting your feelings for someone else supersede such for yourself. Several times you write how you specifically told him to "not worry about you and do what makes him happy." OK, well, he's doing what you told him to do! But he should have concern for you and your feelings! He's doing exactly what you told him to do and it is driving you nuts and bringing you down. So I'd say it's high time to bring things back to your best interests as well. You do that by having a direct and open talk with him as you suggested.

 

In situations like this I've seen and lived, this ambiguity will continue until you reach a breaking point of frustration with all of this. The problem is, reaching this breaking point usually vanquishes the romantic feelings and desires to pursue a relationship with the person. You end up getting so fed up with everything that this emotion overwhelms the other feelings you have for him.

 

So what I'm saying is don't let it reach this breaking point where you are forced to pull away. Then you have no options but to leave this behind. If you do exactly what you said, have a direct and completely honest talk with this guy, things can still go either way.

 

Perhaps he is confused about your perception of this as well, which is motivating him to hold back also. Maybe his life situation is too much for him to handle right now and he may need some time to sort things out. Hopefully this talk will get you guys on the same page, whatever page that may be. But if he doesn't want to buy the book where this page is contained, it's far better to know that sooner than later, have respect and love for yourself, put the book on the shelf, and go to another bookstore.

 

The problem is, look at this guy's actions and what they are telling you. He seems to be lonely (as he told you directly) and needing something in his life, something to assuage his loneliness. In this sense, I think he may see you as a means to the end of fulfilling an idea he has about his life, what he needs in it (again, the neediness issue) and look to you to "save" him from his undesirable emotional situation. This is evident with his speed to enter, then flakiness and ambiguity with the situation. The problem I've seen with this is that once he is "saved"...he no longer needs the savior...

 

But with all this said, your last paragraph says it all because it is what's in your heart. This is a decent guy, situations like this don't come along everyday, you're confused, your frustration level has exceeded a comfortable level, and you want to act by open and direct communication. I wholeheartedly say to do so.

 

The underlying truth here is what it is and your job is to discover what that is. If your journey to discover what that truth is "scares" or "chases" him away, quite simply he wasn't that into you and this thing wasn't going to work out anyway. You want someone as ready and willing as you are to make some sacrifices for the relationship and no matter how great this guy is in character, you've got to remember to love yourself more than an idea/illusion of a relationship with him.

[adahy]

If I were him, I would have interpreted your actions as rejection...especially the text message.

 

I'm not sure what he meant by "good friends"...perhaps he was fishing for something more from you. I think the comments about moving back home where all about you...yet you tell him essentially 'do what he wants'. That's not exactly the answer guys go fishing for. Besides, you even said he was willing to stay if that's where you wanted to be.

 

Regardless, it was very clear he was into you. Perhaps there was just some miscommunication. Sounds like you 2 just need to talk things through. Also, it might be good to spend some 'real' time together before you make these major life decisions about what city to live in. Its sounds like you've actually only spent a little over a week of 'real time' together?? Communicating via text messages, email or telephone isn't the best way to communicate or really get to know somebody (things are easily misunderstood).

[Liaka]

Okay!

 

In hindsight (which is always 20/20 and usually my best form of vision) I think I took the friend comment a little too seriously like most of you have suggested. At this point I’m not sure how to dig out of that one. We have talked since, but just about our lease and nothing dealing with the whole "us" thing. Should I apologize for sending that message? I am absolutely terrible at starting any serious conversations with him (yeah, not a good thing, I know!). He tends to make me turn to jello when I talk to him, and I'm honestly just afraid that my honesty would scare him away. Also I forgot to include in my long story, that during the same conversation as the friend comment, he told me I should probably go back to FL because that’s where I really seemed happy. I also took this as rejection, because lets face it, there is no way we are going to have a relationship at that point. So the fact that he said I should go back to FL, coupled with the friends comment caused me to pretty much freak out. Maybe he is fishing for something from me? I'm just not sure. I sort of feel like the ball is in his court and he knows it. Whatever decision he makes I will go with, and once again, he should know that. Does he just need reassurance? I have just been lead to believe by every guy I talk to that being too honest and upfront scares them away. I want to tell him that I would move for him and pretty much go through the hell of a long distance relationship for the time being, but do you think that’s what he wants to hear? I usually have NO problem with telling people what I think and how I feel. I usually pride myself on being totally open and honest. I typically like to cut through the fluff and get to the point, but this guy makes me turn into a girly wussy pile of mush! I know I need to get over it and just open up, but I really don’t want to lose him. I guess I’m just torn from being waiting around passively to see if this works out, or being up front and honest and going for what I want. Either way I could lose him. I HATE playing games. Like I said I don’t fall often or easy, but when I like someone, the game is up. I want to tell them I like them and stop the stupid dating games. With this situation, I really don’t think we can afford games. Distance puts a new spin on it all. Games combined with distance seem like a recipe for disaster. Also, going back to the loneliness, yeah, maybe I just filled an emotional void for him and now he is done with me. He has decided to move back home where he wont be lonely anymore, so is it possible he just doesn’t need me anymore? I guess my real question is, Is the honest truth and my openness going to scare this guy away? And thanks for all the help so far!! It’s much better advice than I have got from anyone thus far!

[sweethurt]

No, being honest and upfront shouldnt scare him away.. if he is really into you, he would be relieved that you talked... MAY BE if you dont talk and let things hang on as they are, you can later find you were just wasting your time, because it was just your illusion all along..

[friscodj]

Hey Liaka-

 

It is very apparent to me that you asking us questions that can only answered by him and the situation. Very plainly, you have to get over your fear, get over feeling like Jell-O, sit down together and have "the talk" or these little games are going to continue, frustrate the hell out of you as they are doing now, and nothing productive is going to come from any of this. Perhaps start by saying, "What is going on between us anyway?"

 

I think at this point under thise set of circumstances, you both need resolution towards an answer to that question. You are both flying around in circles in separate airplanes, flying holding patterns, trying to figure out what is going on with the situation and the other person. The control tower won't be able to help you with that, only talking to the other pilot will. And if you continue to let this situation persist, you both will run out of gas and crash.

 

Quite simply Liaka, you need to get tough and figure this out by talking to him at this point. There is no other option other than to keep avoiding it and eventually crash land and give up the mission.

 

Now, we can't answer your specific questions about what is going on with him or what will happen, but we can help you with overcoming your fear to have such a talk.

 

Look at it like this. You were doing great before you met him, which means no matter what, you will do great if he leaves your life. And you never thought you'd meet a guy like him right? And you don't think you'll meet another? Well, you see the logic there...

[adahy]

If I'm really into a girl, there's nothing sweeter to the ears than hearing her express positive feelings for me.

 

If it's a girl I don't really like or have just met...then yeah, it 'might' scare me away.

 

In this case, I think you 2 are over that awkward initial hump (so to speak), where sharing feelings is difficult. So, I'd tell him how you feel. If he doesn't respond positively or reciprocate, at least you know. In my opinion, you should never feel bad or guilty for honestly expressing good thoughts and feelings. People should do that more often in general.

[Liaka]

I know, I know... I need to suck it up and get my act together. Its better to know now and deal with short term hurt than to always wonder what if. I guess I am just fearing rejection due to the fact that this is my first crack at anything amazing in quite some time, and after I have been through a really rough part of my life. He really has been one of the best things to happen to me in the last 2 years (in the fact that he saved my butt with my rent problem, and in whatever was happening between us). But if it’s not meant to be, its not meant to be and nothing will force it to be. Which is why I gave up my happiness to make him happy. I didn't want to be the one thing that held him back from being happy, and I didn't want him to grow to resent me for his unhappiness if I had used guilt to get him to stay there. To me, it was obvious he was into me, and we were into each other. The simple little things people do when they want to show they like each other and are attracted to each other were very apparent. I guess I just don’t want to seem like a desperate psycho freak. I see many girls get that rep when they are just honest with their feelings. But as you said, I shouldn’t feel bad about being honest about my feelings. I know I would LOVE it if more people were honest with me (good or bad). But that’s me, and in the real world many people like to live in illusions as long as it makes them feel good. But after the time we had spent together it felt like we were over the awkwardness of a lot of things. One problem that I know scared him (he had mentioned it to my friend) is that things between us happened really fast, and he said when things move fast that’s when people get hurt. And with him thinking he was going to move home, it was kind of the last thing he wanted (it was the last thing I wanted too with me going through a move also). But during that same conversation he said that in spite of that, he liked what was going on between us. It just seems to me that the last time I checked "good friends" Don’t kiss, don’t hold hands, don’t spend every night together, and basically don’t act the way we were acting. It has thrown me off totally. I just kind feel like he is throwing the friends thing in there to just stop things from going any further due to the distance.

 

I know the bottom line is I have to bring all of this up to him… I have to be honest, but I really just needed some views on how he might react, and how honest to be. I’m terrible at reading signs, especially from guys in general, and I’m afraid that I might be too honest. I just don’t want to seem desperate. But most of all, I don’t want to screw things up! Also, any recommendations on how to recover from that stupid text message? Should I outright apologize for it? Or just not bring it up? Thanks!

[friscodj]

Look, forget about your "image", forget about your "rep", forget about "appearances", forget about all this extraneous crap and get the job done here. The job is to find out the truth behind all of this. That truth is there right now and pursuing discovery of that truth is not being desperate, needy, or anything else but doing what's necessary for both of you in this situation.

 

What has happened to this point has happened. It is done so leave it be as it is out of your control. Focus on this talk and focus on the many blessings you have in your life aside from this relationship. This idea of a relationship with him at this point is just one thing in your life...a life that is pretty dam good.

 

You were fine before this relationship and you will be fine come or go with this relationship. Never forget that.

 

Just let go of everything and have the talk.