Dumpers - your opinions please!

[Parsley]

Hey,

 

My ex broke up with me after we were together about 4.5 months. He was the first of the two of us to say 'I love you', said that I was the one he wanted to marry, suggested I move in with him, anything like that - he always brought it up first. The last month or so of the relationship, he became difficult to get hold of, he wouldn't answer emails unless I just stopped trying for a few days, 'lost' his mobile constantly, never answered either that or his home phone...it became really soul-destroying.

 

Over this time I really really thought I was losing my mind, thought I was overanalysing everything and made excuses for the way he treated me constantly. I thought it was the pill I'd been put on, and changed it because I thought it was harming out relationship. It was only when he broke up with me that he said that it actually was him that was causing that..it wasn't me. But he'd let me carry on believing it was me, letting me become wary of trusting my own mind - let me change my medication!

 

He broke up with me saying he didn't want to be in a relationship with me anymore - that he didn't love me. Even through my 'crazy' haze, I knew before we broke up that at least the last time he said he loved me was a lie. I don't know about the times before that. After the email he sent (breaking up with me) I sent him one asking him 3 questions only - one being if he actually did love me, or if it was all an infatuation, because 4 months is an awfully short time to fall in and out of love with someone. He replied, answering 1 of the other questions, but has never answered the other 2, and we haven't spoken since.

 

I'd just like a dumper's POV - do you think he could have loved me in that time? Or was everything he said a lie? The thing that scares me the most is the idea that it was just to get me into bed. He was the first person I slept with - and I really don't want to have to regret that decision. I don't want to have to regret the relationship, but I'd rather regret it and be clear, than spend my life with those thoughts burning away at the back of my mind causing resentment.

[robowarrior]

He had sex with you and moved on, or in other words he said all those things to get you into bed with him. Its nothing that you should regret tho, its because of your inexperience with men on how to deal with it that you fell for all the non-sense he spouted to you.

 

So the next time when you meet a guy, who says he wants to marry you, say to the guy ok but non sex after we get married (for your supposedly religious reasons) if the guy dumps you great, then he was only after sex, if he is willing to wait to have sex after you two get married, then you got the real thing, this because if a guy really loves you he doesn't want to lose you. This guy you were with dumped you like trash after he used you. Again no regrets, you see love makes blind, and because we want happyness in our lives, we are all too eager to let the wrong people into our lives who supposedly are in love with us.

 

You have to be like a castle gate, close yourself for bad people/things/events and open yourself up to good people/things/events, there's no reason why you should let yourself be destroyed by horrible people who are only out to use you. Because you are basically the one who lets them in or not. So be carefull next time ok?

[Parsley]

The thing is...it wasn't that he said he wanted to marry me and I decided to sleep with him because of that. He said that about 2/3 months after we dslept together. It happened very quickly, he didn't *have* to say anything to get me to do it, I wanted to. Neither of us had said we loved each other the first time it happened. I don't understand why he would think I wanted him to say that, if it was him just saying the right things, as I was always so reluctant with stuff like that - he knew, we even talked about it, that I'm not the sort of person that says things quickly, and that I am only 18, I didn't want to be thinking about whether or not to marry someone, especially after only being with them 3 months (that was when he said about marrying/moving in).

 

I guess....to me it just doesn't make sense that he would be using me, I've seen everything that happened. I've always thought this about forums..no matter how much detail you put it, you can't say *everything* that happened, and so you can't possibly expect people to give you perfect advice everytime..not saying that your advice isn't great! You've given me the advice I would have given someone had that not been my post. It's just...there are so many other factors others don't see..

[Siriana]

Look, when someone say to you such serious stuff (I love you, wants to marry you etc) after such a short time of dating, usually it's a red flag.

 

Perhaps he's one of those pople who fall in and out of love pretty quickly.

Or basically he doesn't know the difference between instant attraction and love...

Or he wanted sex...

You can't be shure, it's hard to say what's on other peoples mind.

 

If you want to avoid guys who are not honest about their intentions it is better to delay sex for a certain amount of time (let's say 6 months in your age). Impatient guys who are not that much into you will run away and you'll save yourself from feeling used or hurt.

[NewPhillyGuy]

Hey, I know exactly how it feels to have "analysis paralysis" and to kill yourself mulling over the details. I've done this before in the past, and might actually be doing it right now with this woman I am seeing.

 

Anyway, it's definitely very easy to want to blame yourself when others make you feel badly. I think it's because it's easier to accept that you are doing something wrong, because you change that, as opposed to thinking that someone is purposely trying to screw with your head and hurt you. Deep down, you know that you can't change another person. To think that someone is trying to hurt you is extremely painful....been there....

 

My advice to you is to go with your gut. Always go with your gut. I know it's really easy to second guess yourself when you overanalyze, but that gut feeling will always just be there, gently poking you saying - wrong, wrong, wrong. I see the picture of you on here, and you are absolutely gorgeous. Forget about this loser, and I'm sure you will find someone else who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

 

Take care. =)

[Juliana]

It's not as clear-cut as him lying to you, or not lying to you. He believes he was telling the truth, but he was in the grip of powerful chemicals, the endorphin rush of first love, which is very strong when you're young. Unfortunately, that only lasts about three months, and then it's back to reality with a bump. If a guy is immature, he will imagine that this is your fault, that there is something lacking in you, and that's why he's stopped feeling that "love."

 

In fact, love is the desire to see the best happen for the other person, even when that means that you will suffer for it. He is quite far from actions that would indicate that. What he wanted was to attach himself to someone who made him feel very good, for as long as he continued to feel good.

 

So, was it love? Well, it was the chemical high that alot of people think is love....and that certainly accompanies love....but, no, it was not love if by love we mean desiring to protect and promote the other person's well-being. Even asking you to marry him was a selfish act on his part.

 

I know you've been burned badly, but you'll get over it faster if you can keep in mind that his actions tell the truth, not his words.

[Parsley]

Thank you

 

You know..I'm starting to realise that I knew all along that it was just infatuation. The very very very first time he said he loved me...he was drunk, it was 4am, by text, and when I asked if he meant it he said he had to think about it and never answered me.

 

I didn't want to fall in love with him...I did everything I could to stop it, but he reassured me that it would be ok, so I fell. And then it turns out that I loved him, but he didn't love me. You're right, love means wanting to protect and help the other person, even when it's difficult for you. I had to move 3 hours away for a couple of months, and the whole time it was me keeping the contact, because things were difficult for him with money and other stuff. I sent him little gifts, things I'd seen that made me think of him. I've always found it really difficult to *say* comforting things...I'm too scared of patronising the people I want to help. So when his nan was really ill, and he could only speak to me on the phone, it took so much for me to try and be comforting.

 

But when it came to my problems...he wasn't there. I was having trouble at uni, and he would just lecture me instead of listening to what I was saying. The things he said gave me anxiety attacks...but I put it down to me and ignored them.

 

Ah, sorry...I just keep finding myself ranting...and it's easier than keeping it in.

[NewPhillyGuy]

That's quite fine. Keep "talking" (typing) if it helps you. I get anxiety attacks as well. This is your therapy, my friend. Keep it coming. Anyone who would discourage you from expressing yourself is not your friend, and frankly, doesn't belong on this board.

[Juliana]

"You know..I'm starting to realise that I knew all along that it was just infatuation."

 

Smart girl. Of course you did. And you gave him a chance to prove you wrong. But you had him pegged from the beginning. He wasn't a good enough fit for you, and you knew it.

 

I don't think, however, that you fell in love with him. You loved him, you enjoyed loving, but you weren't in love with him, with who he is. He didn't exite you, inspire your joy, lead you into new things, new hopes, better dreams. He kind of depressed and scared you, it sounds like. You enjoy loving, and being loving, but the distance allowed you to soften the harsh corners of reality; otherwise, you wouldn't have enjoyed it so much. Loving is wonderful, and inspiring in it's own right, but you can meet someone who will make the world such a wonderful place with you. This guy isn't it.

 

What other things make you happy? What other interests do you have? Now's the time to get back into them, or explore new ones. There's alot of energy in pain, in anxiety, in anger, and you can use it to break out into new places in your life.

[need2bme]

Anyway, it's definitely very easy to want to blame yourself when others make you feel badly. I think it's because it's easier to accept that you are doing something wrong, because you change that, as opposed to thinking that someone is purposely trying to screw with your head and hurt you. Deep down, you know that you can't change another person. To think that someone is trying to hurt you is extremely painful....been there....

 

 

Well said. It made me think. Especially about the part we think we can control. Thanks.