Discovered that my dad looks at sex sites. . . .

[Kanbi]

I was completely horrified when my dad, who's still married to my mom, looked at sex sites. I didn't really caught him in the act. I just found those sites in one of his folders, and I'm positive that they're not the pop-ups you get. I'm really confused now, and I feel not only disappointed but betrayed. I always had respect for my father, but now I don't even know what to think of him. A question to all the men, is this thing normal, even with fathers?

[Luke Skywalker]

Anyway, I dont know your dad or what his convictions are, but be assurred that online porn addictions are more prevalent than any type of porn because it's the most easy to access. It's a different class than other porn that requires you to go to a variety store or adult video, where people see what you are doing in public (i.e. cashiers of such stores, and people on the outside seeing you go inside and out, and you have to inconvience yourself to go there and find a place to view the material that's concealed from public other than home). You just click on a link and bingo, you there are loads of free porn. So even someone with no porn issues, or virtually anyone, with such easy access to free downloads, may find themselves clicking on a link and develop a porn addiction. (i.e. first cigarette, first drink, often leads to people who cant stop smoking even they know it's bad for their health, or who cant stop drinking).

[Relationship Coach]

Normal is hard to define. I'm a father and have no interest in looking at porn on the web but that's just me. Depending upon what type of porn he is looking at would help to determine my level of horror. I guess if it was typical Playboy Magazine type pictures it would be different from hardcore, teen or interactive sites.

 

I think you need to discuss this with your mother because it is going to eat you up inside if you don't. Her reaction could start world-war three around your house but your father needs to be aware that you know, so he can either stop or be more careful.

[Honey Pumpkin]

Hi Kanbi,

 

Just put it from your mind. It could be that he looks at porn, it could be that your parents look at porn together, it could be that someone was using his computer and looking at porn.

 

Your parents are together, that's good. Everyone is entitled to a private life, and if you're not their partner, then it's really no one else's business. Must have been a bit of a shock for you though! But honestly, just tell yourself that it was an accident and nothing to do with your dad, and do your level best to forget about it.

 

Take care!

[Kanbi]

Normal is hard to define. I'm a father and have no interest in looking at porn on the web but that's just me. Depending upon what type of porn he is looking at would help to determine my level of horror. I guess if it was typical Playboy Magazine type pictures it would be different from hardcore, teen or interactive sites.

 

I think you need to discuss this with your mother because it is going to eat you up inside if you don't. Her reaction could start world-war three around your house but your father needs to be aware that you know, so he can either stop or be more careful.

 

The sites are definitely hardcore and teen sites. I really don't want to tell my mom though. I just don't want to cause another argument between them because arguments never help even when one of them knows the other one is right. I would really love for him to stop, because this isn't like the father I knew my whole life, yet everytime I'm picturing myself confronting him about it or doing something, I always get the worst scenarios.

[Kanbi]

Hi Kanbi,

 

Just put it from your mind. It could be that he looks at porn, it could be that your parents look at porn together, it could be that someone was using his computer and looking at porn.

 

Your parents are together, that's good. Everyone is entitled to a private life, and if you're not their partner, then it's really no one else's business. Must have been a bit of a shock for you though! But honestly, just tell yourself that it was an accident and nothing to do with your dad, and do your level best to forget about it.

 

Take care!

 

I know for a fact that my would never look at porn. And, even though they're married, they have major arguments and always fight. They're always talking about each other behind their back and I can't even remember the last time they smiled at each other or even hugged each other. I think they're still together for their children's sake. . . . . . so, not to change the topic, but I think that should give you guys an idea of my parents relationship to each other.

 

By the way, I really appreciate all your thoughts.

[DN]

I think that this is not something with which you should interfere. It may be that the marriage is troubled and that is why he needs to look at porn. If you bring this up to either one of them you may find it causes way more problems than it would solve.

[Relationship Coach]

The sites are definitely hardcore and teen sites.

 

Well that changes my position on it. How old are you? I would be pretty uncomfortable knowing a father is looking at teen porn and has a teenage daughter or son. Your profile does not indicate whether you are male or female. You have to handle this the best way you can but if you confront him directly he probably won't change his behavior, IMO your mom needs to know. It's a touchy situation and if you are 100% sure he is looking at it and has a special file for it, I see other issues in your parents relationship. I think keeping this from your mom may do more damage than good.

 

RC

[itsallgrand]

Hey.

 

What is this worst case scenario you see happening if you speak to your dad about it?

 

I remember the first time I found porn of my father's. It was hidden in case and I came accross it by accident.

It weirded me out.

I spoke to him about it and felt much better afterwards. I never came accross anything like it again!

 

At the very least, talking to your dad will ensure that he hides it better and you won't be surprised yet again. You might see he is still the same old dad you always knew.

 

Do you have a close relationship with your dad?

[gfein347]

I agree with DN. There are probably some problems in their marriage that's driving him to do this.

 

I once found a folder of temporary internet files on my dad's computer that contained porn sites. Despite being troubled by it, I decided not to say anything on the premise that I didn't want to cause more problems between my parents. As it turns out, my parents ended up getting divorced, and my telling either one of my parents about this would have only caused more problems.

 

My advice is to forget about this, and let your parents work out their problems on their own.

[Kanbi]

Well that changes my position on it. How old are you? I would be pretty uncomfortable knowing a father is looking at teen porn and has a teenage daughter or son. Your profile does not indicate whether you are male or female. You have to handle this the best way you can but if you confront him directly he probably won't change his behavior, IMO your mom needs to know. It's a touchy situation and if you are 100% sure he is looking at it and has a special file for it, I see other issues in your parents relationship. I think keeping this from your mom may do more damage than good.

 

RC

 

I'm only 14, going on 15 soon in about two months. Plus I'm a girl. And yes this has made me feel uncomfortable around him. I'm now reluctant to bring friends over.

[itsallgrand]

I agree that it not the person's business to meddle in the marriage, but IS business between a daughter and father I think.

It can cripple a good relationship to keep silent about it, as though it is some horrible secret.

It really isn't.

At some point, father's need to address the fact that they are sexual beings with their daughters in a way that makes it understood that it does not interfer with the family love between a teen girl and a dad.

 

That issue seems to be being glossed over here. Or maybe I am seeing this differently and others disagree.

 

Especially considering teen porn was found, the dad needs a chance to address that! That could be disturbing and hard to reconcile.

[Captain34]

Kanbi,

 

It is up to you, but I would speak to your father about this. There are a lot of suggestive posts here, and I would rather you get the skinny on all this from the source - your father.

 

and I agree with you itsallgrand!

[Relationship Coach]

There some good points made by others on here for you to say nothing but if you are a female I would have some grave concerns about this. If your parents are having issues in their marriage, this may be a focal point. I know you would hate to be the cause of their arguments or even a divorce but what else is going on in which you have not discovered? Do you think your mom knows about it or would even care? I'm sorry but a father looking at teen porn is not OK.

 

RC

[itsallgrand]

Listen, because a man looks at teen porn does NOT necessarily mean that he is to be feared as a teen predator. And I think that is a legit fear that is coming in to play here.

 

K,

You definetly need to speak to someone. Who do you most trust to bring this to in your family? If not your dad, or mom, what about an aunt or older cousin?

 

It is not okay for you to be afraid to bring friends over now, or to go on living with these uncomfortable feelings about your dad. You don't and shouldn't have to tip toe around this and feel uncomfy in your own home and family.

 

More likely than not, your dad is a good guy who made some not-so-great decisions in what to view. But your family would be best to talk to about this.

[Kanbi]

I don't really have anybody to turn to. I have no role models, and I'm not really close with my family. I guess I sound like an immature person here but I'm really concerned.

[Northalius]

I agree with Relationship Coach.

 

This is something that needs to be brought out in the open. There's no excuse. I don't believe in "There are problems in the marriage that are causing him to watch porn, so let it go." Because if there're problems that're doing that, then they need to be worked out through counseling, not porn.

 

There should never be excuses made for such a thing, especially in a marriage. A marriage is a commitment! And porn only helps to divide, not mend.

[DN]

Moderator Note: A reminder to all members to keep posts respectful and on-topic.

[itsallgrand]

No, you don't sound like an immature person. I think most of us can understand why this is bothering you.

 

It makes even more sense now that I know that you aren't close to your family. That can leave you feeling alone with these feelings.

 

You really aren't weird for feeling this way.

 

What is it that you are most worried about now? Why don't you want to bring your friends over?

[Ladydragonflagg]

I really think that if you are that uncomfortable talking to your dad about it you should have an intermediary between you, and who is the best person for that roll in your family? Probably your mother.

 

I dont think that a grown man looking at porn is wrong, it happens a lot. Many husbands look at online porn, but hiding it from their wives should not happen, because that is making it into something wrong. You mentioned that you KNOW that your mom would never look at porn, how do you know? You probably would have thought the same thing about your dad before stunbling on the folder.

 

To put it into perspective, your dad is a person too, not just a dad. He has a life he has his own thoughts and preferances. So does your mom. thats just the way it is. Finding the porn as a teenage girl, im sure was slightly disturbing to say the least. But keeping it inside and letting it effect you relationship with your dad is not the way to go. And like I said, if you are uncomfortable bringing it up with your dad, your mom is the way to go.

[Kanbi]

I guess, I'm just worried about what other things he might be hiding from us. I'm starting to wonder exactly what type of person he is. Reason why I don't to bring my friends over is because, well, I'll be honest, I'm just worried about what my dad thinks, if you know what I mean. I'm not so close with my mom either so I find it hard to bring up such a topic with her. Right now, I just feel like going over to his office and deleting all those sites from my dad's computer right here and now.

[Honey Pumpkin]

I don't really have anybody to turn to. I have no role models, and I'm not really close with my family. I guess I sound like an immature person here but I'm really concerned.

 

Hi there,

 

I know that porn is a thorny issue on here, and that people have many different takes on it. My personal thoughts are that it's a person's choice to look at porn, and provided it's legal then I think it's up to them. So I don't think your dad is a bad person for looking at porn - I don't want people to jump on me here, but every man I've ever known has looked at porn at some time or other during their life. And many women too.

 

However, you're his teenage daughter and it's upsetting and confusing for you. I can see that - but he's still your dad, he's not bad or good for looking at porn, you've just seen that he's an adult as well as being 'dad'.

 

You could talk to him about it if you have a good relationship, and just ask that he doesn't keep it on anything you're ever going to have access to (do you have a shared pc, btw????). Or you could talk to someone older that you trust - aunt, sister, friend?

 

Or you could talk it through with someone else, someone who will be confidential. There are great helplines available for kids in the UK, and I wonder if this might be an option? Just a safe environment for you to talk aloud about how you feel without being judged or having other people's opinions about the ethics of porn influencing the argument.

 

It's hard to realise your parents are adults with private lives, and I am so sorry you have to deal with this. But maybe it's a way of bringing these issues out into the open?

 

Good luck with whatever you decide to do (if anything). Take good care of yourself!

[Relationship Coach]

Kanbi,

You're between a rock and a hard place here and it is very evident by the differing opinions here that even as adults making the best choice in your situation is a very difficult one.

 

Points have been made that this is your parents relationship and you should not rock the boat so to speak. If you can live with this, maybe this is your answer.

 

You have written about the level of disturbance this has caused you and your desires for him to stop. Approaching him would be a step in the right direction but you seem to be either afraid or embarrassed to do so.

 

Your mother was my choice because then she could choose what to do with what you tell her. She can confront him or do nothing but at least you can get this off of your chest.

 

If you feel what your father has done is wrong, then it is wrong. No one else here can tell you what or how to feel.

 

RC

[itsallgrand]

Kanbi,

 

Maybe you could write out a letter to your dad describing everything you are feeling and worried about right now? You wouldn't necessarily need to give it to him, but it would get those feelings all out on paper so you can start to make sense of this.

I find it easier to pick out the high-flying emotions from the facts when I write stuff out.

 

Honey Pumpkin had some other ideas there too for people you could talk to.

 

There aren't any easy answers. I'm guessing you are somewhat angry at your dad too, if you are feeling like you want to go delete it all now without saying a word to him about you finding it. Understandable enough.

 

Do you share that PC or are you usually not supposed to be in his office?

[Kanbi]

Do you share that PC or are you usually not supposed to be in his office?

 

I'm not suppose to go on his computer or be in his office, I have my own computer. I'm also the oldest of two. I have a younger sister, so I have no older siblings to help me with this either. The rest of my family live over seas. My mom is a pretty sensitive person. I'm positive that telling her this will only end up hurting her.

 

I don't know, I think this wouldn't bother me so much except that the sites he looks at are apparently "exploited teen" sites and since I myself am a teenage girl, that disturbs me. A lot.