Which advice should I take?

[finalcloud13]

I want to get back together with an ex-girlfriend, and I've been given different advices. I'm wondering which I should go with. Note that I know there's a chance that we won't get back together no matter what but I'm going to try anyway.

 

1. NC. But there are variations to it:

a. If she misses you, she'll contact you. You decide what to do from there.

b. You do the NC for a while, then contact her one day, again, talking only in an attractive way.

 

2. Don't contact your ex too much, don't be emotional when you talk to your ex - be fun, don't take your pain out on your ex, don't ask too many questions or try to make your ex jealous, and be positive about whatever they're doing.

 

3. Ask the ex one final time for another chance, and that if they have feelings left for you, they would not reject you. So if they don't reject you, you know you at least have a chance.

 

 

Once again, I know NC is not meant to be used to get back together, yet it CAN be used in that way. Setting myself up for future hurt is a risk I'm willing to take.

[GoingForIt_77]

Definitely not option 3. That's a sure fire way to kill all chances. She doesn't want to hear that NOW. Do NC, get stronger. Grow more independent and confident and reaproach her in a few weeks, in a very aloof, confident and indorect manner, not talking about the relationship at all. Go in and go out. Go back in 1-2 weeks later. Keep her guessing, while working on you the whole time.

[Siriana]

If she dumped you, just forget it.

[comfyshoes]

been through it all. followed all the advice that you have been given and everytime she came back sooner or later.

i'm now two weeks after being dumped by her for the sixth time. that's five times too many!!

i'm doing NC, but it's all about me. i was messed up for a week or so after she dumped me, but i'm getting stronger every day now. i don't miss her like i thought i would. i need to use this as a lesson in life and to rediscover who i was before she became my life.

i have no intentions of calling her until i'm over her, if ever.

if it does happen, it won't be until i am over her. i can't allow myself to get back with her unless she becomes a very different person to the one she is now. and let's face it, how many people really ever change?

 

shoes

[GoingForIt_77]

"If she dumped you just forget it".

 

You know that 99% of the people on here have been dumped. I guess we should close down "Getting Back Together" altogether based on your advice?

 

Look, I don't believe in just forgetting it, or her, but I do believe that you HAVE to just forget it for NOW. You can't go back in today, because it's a sure fired way to end ALL chances of future positive, or even neutral contact.

 

She is probably still very much hurt, angry and clouded with other emotions to be able to, or even want to let you back in in any capacity at this point. It's just TOO early for her and it should be too early for you as well, because you're talking based on YOUR emotions, which are ruling you right now and they should not rule when and if you decided to make contact with her. Your heart can be present, but your head should be leading the way, as hers was when she decided to end it with you.

 

For now, you have to get stronger. Feel the pain and allow it to push you to a point where you accept her decision 100% and are able to be happy with yourself (growing independent) and if after all that you still want to reach out, I will not say NO, but you must approach her from a very indirect and non-threatening manner. One that will only lower her defenses around you and one that will make to be able to start trusting you a little more, while asking nothing of her, but merely giving of yourself and then backing off again and going back in again at a later time. Slow, gradual progression. That time though, is not now. Space and healing for the both of you MUST first occur.

[Siriana]

"If she dumped you just forget it".

 

You know that 99% of the people on here have been dumped. I guess we should close down "Getting Back Together" altogether based on your advice?

 

 

No we should open one named: "How to manipulate other person to get back together!"

[GoingForIt_77]

I don't believe in manipulation anymore. I believe in being true to yourself and loving yourself. Changing what needs to be changed within YOU, for YOU and if you still love your ex, even if they DUMPED you and yes, they had their reason, then yes, I see nothing wrong with contacting them, as long as you don't expect anything from them and that you are able to handle the outcome, because you know your own self-worth, just as much as they do (reason they left).

 

If you give them space, that does go a long way in making them see how strong you are and how much you are respecting them, vs. trying to impose your needs onto them, which is wrong.

[Siriana]

I have a different opinion than you do. i am not such a strong person, for me it would be torturing.

Hey, I was a little bit ironic in that post where I suggested a new thread.

[bubbles07]

hey finalcloud, I too am unsure what to do in my situation but I just really sit and think what I would want if I was in there shoes. If i was them and I was wanting space and being able to think on my own than I wouldn't want that person calling and contacting me, I would contact them if I wanted to talk. So I think that you doing NC and letting them call you would be the best thing. You can if you want later down the road call them but you should wait months and when you are strong enough.

I think option 3 is a difinate no no. The dumper has thought long and hard about there decision and you asking them to reconsider will only make them angry and will push them further away, so don't do that.

Option 2 I think will be alright but I think that may just land you in the friend spot which never is good if you want to get back with that person. Also how is she supposed to know what it is like without you if you are still around? Also if she said she wants space then you still being around isn't what she wants, it'll just make her angry.

 

Just let it be, keep busy, don't call her, if she wants she will call you, if not her loss. You respecting her space will help her figure out what she wants in life.

[GoingForIt_77]

Bubbles, I disagree with you on not wanting to fall into the friend spot. That is the BEST place to be.

 

So many on here FEAR the word "friendship", when in fact that is all you should strive to want to have with your ex at first. Do you think it's wise to just jump back into a romantic relationship with them? It's not.

 

While being a friend, if you are even given the chance to do so, is the perfect opportunity to re-earn there trust in you and if there were once feelings there, they can always resurface, if in fact they start to see the person they fell in love with come out over time and you should act like that's all you want, or can/should HAVE with them for starters and see whether it can develop back into more.

 

Indirect and non-threatening approach is the ONLY way, but time must pass and space must be given.

[bubbles07]

The reason I say bad to be in the friend spot is because how are you going to deal with her talking about her new bf? You really think that you will be able to remain calm and still act like a friend? I just think that its better to stay away until the right time (whenever that is)

[Parsley]

Blimey, all I seem to see is arguments in all these posts.

 

The way I see it...go NC, or at least LC. Whatever happens with you two, you'll have gained a lot by having this time to yourself, to realise who you really are and grow as a person. If you do end up back together, then one or both of you will be a lot wiser for having had the time apart to consider everything. You may even find after or during NC that you accept your ex's decision as for the best. If the level of contact is too high you'll never wean yourself off needing this person, and you shouldn't have to rely on another person like that. We all do it...everyone forgets themselves when they're in love.

 

Do NOT try being friends as a way to wangle your way back into a relationship. If I'd got to a point where I could be friends with an ex and then realised that that was the only reason why we were friends, I could never trust him not to have alterior motives ever again. If you become friends, let it be naturally. Don't force it, and don't 'accept' it as a way to be close to them. You deserve more than that.

[GoingForIt_77]

If she doesn't have a new bf yet, then it's you against him, or them (her other prospects). My ex is meeting TONS of new people now on a daily basis through her two online profiles. She NEEDS that and do you know why? Because I am not YET a suitable bf. I can't offer her what she NEEDS YET. I am working on myself. I have to. There is a reason she left me.

 

NO, they won't wait around for us to get it right, but if we do, then we may have a chance, but all of that is secondary in getting stronger first and getting back to YOU. When you live for you, you will become a lot more attractive to the opposite sex and that includes your ex.

[GoingForIt_77]

You shouldn't look at it as though you deserve more than that or not. that isn't the issue.

 

Look, it all depends on WHY they left you. People sometimes generalize their situations and extend them to everyone elses.

 

For the most part, we hurt, scared, put a large dose of doubt in our ex's mind. They stopped trusting and respecting us.

 

We didn't meet our end of the bargain is what it came down to. If you feel they are worth it, there is nothing wrong with being their friend. Again, that's all you should strive to be at first with them. Why would they jump back into a relationship with someone they are not sure if they can trust or not and by the same token, why would you want more right away anyways either? You have to let it progress. It's all about progression. You can't skip steps.

[Parsley]

I'm saying don't choose friendship if the idea is to get back into a relationship, it doesn't work that way. I'm good friends with an ex, but because we only became friends when we knew we didn't want each other at all anymore, though the fact the break up with completely mutual helped a lot.

 

I'm also saying that people deserve to love someone who loves them too, not someone who doesn't want more than friendship.

[bubbles07]

I agree if you are only trying to be friends with them in order to win them back, sooner or later the truth is just gonna come out either in your actions or words and that will just push them away once again. I've heard of a lot of girls that stop talking to guys once they find out a guy was only friends with them just to get with them.

[GoingForIt_77]

Parsley, I see you are 18 years old and I am not saying this to you because of you age, because my now ex, isn't that much older than you, but from experience (11 years more than you), I will tell you that if there still are feelings there on both ends, the friendship WILL progress into something more quite rapidly.

 

If the person left you because they didn't love you, then that's a different story, but if they left you because they had to protect their heart from getting hurt, the starting slowly with a selfless friendship is the best way to lead back into something more.

[GoingForIt_77]

If you contact them with intention of wanting more than just being friends with them, they will pick up on that and you will close the door on your foot before you ever had a chance to step into the car. Take it slow. Never announce your intentions from the start when getting BACK in with someone who YOU have hurt. Take it slow, or they will not give you any chance. They left us for a reason. Don't forget that.

[anggrace]

If you contact them with intention of wanting more than just being friends with them, they will pick up on that and you will close the door on your foot before you ever had a chance to step into the car. Take it slow. Never announce your intentions from the start when getting BACK in with someone who YOU have hurt. Take it slow, or they will not give you any chance. They left us for a reason. Don't forget that.

 

so true!!

 

I am the one who dumped my ex. Although I want him back, Im still hurt. For him to just expect to walk back into a relationship angers me. It makes me feel as if he doesnt realize the effect his actions had on me. At the same time, if he completely walks away never to speak to me again, I will not come crawling back. I will move on. In the meantime, I need time alone to heal and gain perspective.

[bubbles07]

anggrace, how long would you want your ex to wait before he even made an attempt? How would he know when its the best time if you don't let him know that you are ready for such an interaction?

 

I think you would have to give him some kind of sign that you are willing to start out as friends and work from there. He won't be able to tell what you want unless you tell him.

[GoingForIt_77]

I guess he'll just have to try then, won't he?

[anggrace]

anggrace, how long would you want your ex to wait before he even made an attempt? How would he know when its the best time if you don't let him know that you are ready for such an interaction?

 

I think you would have to give him some kind of sign that you are willing to start out as friends and work from there. He won't be able to tell what you want unless you tell him.

 

Well, its been a little over two weeks. For the first week we didnt speak at all and I was moving on. I was because I thought he was too. Then just within the last couple days, hes made me aware of him wanting to work on things. The important thing is hes never brought up getting back together, only working on his issues for himself. Hes taking responsability for the hurt hes caused me. This has made me feel a little better where as before, I was angry and frustrated. Im not ready to make any decisions based on these few insidances, but I appreciate his humility. Ive been kind to him and honest with him. Ive never said Ill never take you back, and Ive never suugested we work things out, then again, I never had to because he hasnt pushed the issue. Weve just been able to talk about how we've been feeling. So far, its been a good thing.

[GoingForIt_77]

Anggrace, I sent you a PM. If you can help at all...Thanks.

[finalcloud13]

Well as this is in the getting back together forum, it's obvious that you're using this friendship nice guy method of trying to win back your ex. This has been proven to be 100% ineffective at working. It only leads to false hope that it's working, wasted time, miscommunication, and a worse broken heart in the end when she drops you for good after she finds someone else that she can be serious about.

I want to know if his statement is true. If so, a little explanation why would be appreciated. In my view, you first started out with your ex as friends and then attraction occurred, so why would it be 100% ineffective if you tried to reattract your ex in the same manner as before?

[papalazarou]

I will tell you that if there still are feelings there on both ends, the friendship WILL progress into something more quite rapidly.

 

If the person left you because they didn't love you, then that's a different story, but if they left you because they had to protect their heart from getting hurt, the starting slowly with a selfless friendship is the best way to lead back into something more.

 

You know what I have to agree with that.