i don't go clubbing, she does

[boontahr]

this might get long sorry, and it's a bit of a vent/rant.

 

i'm one of those people who just can't dance. perhaps its partially a mental block, but i can't loosen up and just have fun on a dancefloor. my gf of 8 months has had lots of experience going to clubs so she is comfortable going to them and can shake her thang pretty well, while i on the other hand am the dork who's really stiff.

 

i also just don't get why people go to clubs anyhow; they're really crowded, guys are constantly being sleazy looking to hook up, girls are out there and moving themselves as if to say 'look at me i'm sexy.' iono. both times i've agreed to go to a club with my gf, she ended up not really having fun it seems. although she says that clubs are boring to her anyway, i just can't help but feel like i'm not helping that at all.

 

what confuses me most about having gone to these things with her is that while she says she doesn't care about going to a club, that its just to meet with her friends, it also seems like she's pressuring me to make sure i have a good time and just fit in. but its not like 'oh let's just have fun,' its more like she'll tell me not to wear my glasses [apparently its weird to wear 'spongebob' glasses in a club], and will constantly ask me why i'm awkward and tell me to stop it.

 

when i tried just loosening up and being a little silly with dancing, she seemed a bit embarrassed at what i was doing [just kinda mock dancing, since i can't seem to really get myself to dance]. so its like, i'm trying to just do what i can to loosen up by not taking the club scene so seriously, but i guess shes not used to this and would rather have me be more 'appropriately fun.'

 

shrug i dunno, and then she kept apologizing and saying she's sorry i was bored. i tried to assure her that i wasn't, and it was just me being awkward in a place/scene i'm not accustomed to nor really care to be in. i did try my best to 'fit in' though and do the dancing stuff that she was doing and others around us were doing, but i guess i seemed stiff still.

 

i'm not sure what my point is, i guess this is one of those things where our interests/lifestyles don't really mesh together well.

 

i can't help but also become a bit of a jealous bf knowing that she goes to clubs frequently [she is president of her sorority for this year] and while she assures me that nothing risque goes on, i know how guys think and act and i've now seen what they do in a club environment. a girl dancing with no guy in a club is basically 'free game' to the males, and they have no reason to not start rubbing their body up against hers simply because of the social environment they are in. knowing that she's in a place where guys are free to be sleazy with the help of alcohol just unnerves me a bit, but what can i do? can't win a war on jealousy as david cross once put it.

 

yeah, i guess this is more of a venting of how i feel like i don't fit into her life/style and can't do anything about it. i just need a smack of logic or reality upside my head. or just a hug

[Northalius]

Did you ever ask her to teach you to dance with her in a private place? Like her house? Or your house?

 

No one starts out practicing for their drivers license in Manhattan the first day; they go for much less crowded areas to drive, for practice! Baby steps! Look at dancing the same way...?

 

One of these days, ask her to teach you... and who knows, dancing alone with her could be a regular, intimate thing for you two. It really is a nice thing to do in private; can be a form of foreplay.

 

I don't blame your caution about your girl dancing in a club alone, since as you basically said, clubs are where mainly people go to get picked up.

 

My friend is a clubber, I'm not though. He always tells me about girls trying to pick him up, and later finds out 50-60% of them have boyfriends already, but just don't care! It's sad.

 

However, her inviting you to go with her, is a very good sign she's in to you, not other men.

[Siriana]

Have you ever tried clubs with live music?

[Jeffrey2095]

Hi Boontahr,

 

Yeah, I'm with Northalias on this one, and I understand your apprehension about her going to dance clubs, it can put pressure, real or otherwise on a relationship, I know.

 

(Uh, sorry you are a little dance challenged.) I am a musician, but was a little awkward on the dance floor. Sometimes I was reduced to doing the "air jam" while standing in one place. eek (At least you have a girlfriend... I must have looked rather silly that night...)

 

Anyway, I think that I would simply go along with her the best I could. It's a sacrifice in a way, and I know what you mean about clubs.

 

(I also liked the suggestion about dancing at home.)

 

Peace, and good luck to you and yours.

 

Jeffrey

[Goblin]

Hey Boon

 

*Hugs*

 

Bro, ive been at that stage before and I was in exactly the same situation as you do.

 

It has first got to do with these : Trust, Insecurities and Jealousy.

 

My gf was like yours too who likes to club pretty often. I hated her clubbing and having the thought of her drinking with friends and dancing arnd other guys while I wasnt around is a very hard feeling. And I was in army too at that time so I felt really jealous that Im at work and there she was out there clubbing.

 

 

I cant tell you exactly what to do but I can share with you of how to deal with this :

 

First off like Northalius said that she asked you and not other men. It shows that she is faithful. But doesnt mean ure not around shes not thinking of you. Other guys must be around her but how she react to them has partly got to do with how you handle your relationship too.

 

You can go clubbing with her but if you dont like dancing, try. If youve tried and you dislike it, STOP! A man has his pride and if you dare to be yourself, I salute you. Dont tell her in a bad way that clubbing is not your thing. You can trust her and tell her lovingly its okay to go but also tell her you feel uncomfortable about it. Tell her if she needs u anytime, call her and that ure just concerned. Meanwhile, Im sure you got your own thing to do too. A hobby or work or spend time with buddies! Dont be alone. This is a healthy way to deal with your jealousy and insecurities. Its painful, trust me but after awhile when she sees that confidence in you and how you deal with her even when she sense u feel insecured, she would like to spend more time with you doing YOUR thing.

 

Shes young i suppose so let her have her young fun time. Every girl deserves it. But if you have show her you care and give her space, you'll see the light at the end of the tunnel.

 

 

My gf hardly go clubbing anymore anyways....she hasnt been to..for 4months now. But she oftens call me at work asking to spend time together.

 

Handle that jealousy like a man. If you feel insecured, focus awhile on other things that ure good at then u have the confidence in you back.

 

Good luck bro!

[annie24]

i think you should ask her for dance lessons or start taking lessons on campus. I really think it will be worth your money. Besides, dancing is a skill you can keep your whole life, it may come in handy again someday. Yeah, you are right, a woman dancing by herself in a club is definitely a "target" for men. Which is why I think you should go if she is inviting you. Now, i'm not necessarily saying she would cheat, but if you are never ever wanting to go out with her to clubs, and she goes out all the time, she may see that you two are "too different" and she might start up with a guy she meets at a club. This happened to a friend of mine. She is the "going out" type and her boyfriend wasn't. she invited him to her sorority events and out with her friends, he always said no. She did wind up cheating on him for a pretty extended period of time. But I think that relationship was never really "meant to be."

 

Now, again, I'm not saying that she will cheat if she goes out alone. But, if you two are drastically different, she may not want to keep the relationship moving forward. I have dated guys who aren't really into my hobbies or interested in them, and I've found over time, that can be a wedge between us. I think it is important to share some interests with your SO.

[Joneysnai]

wow what a girlfriend eh? goes to clubs yet when you go with her she's telling u what to wear so she wouldn't feel embarrassed that you are the guy "who doesn't know how to dress" whom she is dating. what difference does your glass make? you guys are together, u should go to the club and have fun together. sounds like she wants to make sure you look how she wants u to look to "fit in". so you change your glasses or u don't wear them at all, then u dance but she doesn't like the way u dance. WHO FREAKIN CARES, everyone dances different and although u say u just don't dance, if u can move to the music u can dance. doesn't have to be like everyone else.

 

she sounds pretty shallow, i don't know her at all but i would be so offended if my boyfriend told me not to wear my glasses cuz they are too dorky or if i try to have fun and dance he is embarrassed. why the hell ask me to go and try to fit in then? just won't work with me.

 

she should like u for who u are and if she really cares about u, she wouldn't make u feel so worse because you already feel bad as it is. she should be trying to help u feel more comfortable, not the other way around.

 

i guess u can try to ask her to teach u how to dance behind closed doors but if she is already knocking your movements, i don't think that will work. from what u r saying about her, she will probably get frustrated but who knows, i don't know her like u do.

 

i think its just rude of her to ask u to fit in and yet not try to make u feel comfortable doing it. i also don't get why people go to clubs, it's the same thing but a different place. my boyfriend is alot younger then me and he goes clubbing all the time with his guy friends. he says he is not there to meet girls and they just go to hang out but what's the point? you go, spend all your money to get drunk and then you come home. i totally agree with you on how the club scene is like. people go there to meet other people, sure there are people who go with their friends to have a good time but the majority of the time, i doubt that is the case.. just my two cents on the clubbing scene.

 

u should be honest with her and tell her how u feel as far as what she expects from u at a club. it sure doesn't help if she is criticizing u, makes u ask yourself, "why bother".

[rikka]

I am in the exact same situation. It is my boyfriend who likes going out to the clubs (he used to work in the industry) and I who hate going. We have made compromises regarding the issue. I go with him because I want to be with him and spend time with him. One of my personal concessions is that I will not complain or look like I am bored.

 

Like others, I think it is a great thing that she asks you to go with her. I think you should keep going with her (maybe not all the time, if you really hate it you can say no from time to time). I also think dance lessons are a fantastic idea. If you let yourself, you may have a lot of fun there.

 

Life is to short to not enjoy yourself, so all in all relax and have fun. Trust your girlfriend and trust yourself.

[valiantv]

Hmmm... If I saw a guy who could actually dance well (well a straight guy ) in a night club, I'd think he was the odd one... The point is to get drunk enough that you think you can dance!

 

I'm not big into clubs either, for much the same reasons.. the music is loud, the place is crowded, I find it hard to socialise (as opposed to, say, going to a pub where we can chat away). But of course other people have different opinions, I can see how it's possible to enjoy the atmosphere.

[Siriana]

Yes that is what I was thinking - in my city you have pubs that have live music on friday. A much better way to spend your evening!