Lost...need guidance

[lunatic]

My advice is to really look at yourself and ask yourself if you are STRONG and INDEPENDENT and YOUR happiness is dependent on NO ONE, but YOU. When you can get to that point, give her a call..

 

YAY **Standing ovation!!!***

 

That is so on the money you should play the lottery tonight. SFG listen to what GFI said here as it is exactly what you need to hear!

 

Hub

[Maverick32x]

ok, after your last post... get out of there... this girl isnt worth your time.. she is stringing you along and is just keeping you there as safety net.... NC. The end.

[SFG]

I hear you GoingForIt. Honestly, she has made comments when I tell her that she's everything to me...she'll say stuff like that's a lot to be responsible for.

 

A little less than a year ago, I lost my job...it was a good job and I had to take a 20K decrease in salary to survive. I picked up my life, and I moved about 200 miles north for this {Mod Edit} job. My bosses treat me like {Mod Edit}, and I get paid in peanuts. She hated hearing about how horrible my day was all the time. It beat me down a lot. I wasn't even making enough money to stay afloat from month to month. I know this bothered her. Her ex's were all pretty well off on the money front....but they didn't get her and who she was like I do. Which is why we worked.

 

I took today off from work. This morning I applied to about 10 new jobs in the area, all of which can hopefully bring in a little more dough to make my life simplier. Hopefully I can start to make friends again. I think those things really bothered her.

 

So, perhaps she did see me as being too clung to her. That I wasn't strong enough to stand on my own.

[GoingForIt_77]

Guys, stop telling him she isn't worth his time. If he loves her then that's up to him to decided. Of course he is pointing out the bad because he is angry right now. Can't you guys see that it's his way of dealing with his pain??

 

Be a neutral role. Listen to what he wants and help him achieve that goal..

 

You know, guys like you must be talking to my ex and telling her the same things you are telling hi..

 

I say do what you feel is right, but the timing is off.

[GoingForIt_77]

SFG, I can promise you she saw you like that. As much as my ex supported me and wanted to be hear for me, when I finally let her in to my problems, I grew dependent on her and that's when she started to unconsciously start emotionally pulling away from me.

 

You know, it may be too late for us, but it may not be, but the way I see it, is that US getting stronger and growing more independent and SURE of ourselves is a WIN WIN situation. You'll start to feel better about yourself and you will start to see everything differently at that point and your ex will be forced to see you differently, without you having to force her to do so...

[SFG]

Ya know, it's funny...I do overlook all her faults. I always tell her I love all her strengths, all the amazing things about her, and I love all her faults just as much. I stick to that...I love her dearly.

 

She does frustrate me. She does often do things with double standards...and when I call her on it, she twists it back to me and explains why I'm still wrong. Infact, I'd say I'm impressed with her ability to do that...she should definitely be a politician

 

I am frustrated. Frustrated because I lost her by being stupid. I know I did mess up by abusing her trust. Obviously, I could have done a lot worse. I think I only feel this way because the last few weeks felt like she was taking target practice at me. I didn't have enough bandaids to cover up all the wounds and try and do better with each one before she landed another shot. She knows I'm a good man. She knows I have a kind heart. In some ways I wish she had hurt me, so I could have shown her my ability to forgive and have compassion. Perhaps I should knock on wood about that.

[kellbell]

"You would tell her how hypocritical her actions were????? Are you serious???

 

WRONG again. It's amazing how some people have NO idea what it takes to get back their ex and what is the worst possible things you can do to assure you that they NEVER come back..

 

If you call her a hypocrite, kiss all chances of her ever so much as talking to you ever again."

 

Yes, I am serious. He has every right to stand up for himself. Otherwise, he might be perceived as a pushover and get zero respect. Plus, I don't recall them officially breaking up, unless I missed it somewhere.

 

As far as getting an ex back...there is no such thing. There is a such as thing as free will. Plus, I did not say for him to call HER a hypocrite, but her words and ACTIONS hypocritical. There is a BIG difference. And if she cannot handle with him coming forward and voicing how her actions and words hurt him, then obviously she is NOT the one for him. He has every right to do so. I never said she is not worth his time.

 

I truly hope things work out. It just sounds like some wires were crossed some where. I would wait a few days and see how the air clears.

[SFG]

I agree with that...I need to grow more independent. I already live on my own, but I need to start making my life the success it once was. I was basing my successes before on having met her. I can only hope that I can play my cards right and get my life back on track.

 

I'm worried about her thinking I'm giving up. And I am worried about what I should do, if anything, for Valentines day. Obviously I can't do the plans I wanted to. I also don't know when I should try contacting her. It could take a while to get my life on track...could even take a year.

 

As far as other things she disliked about me...I had a problem keeping up with my dishes. She felt like my mom when I wouldn't do them and she had to tell me to. That, I will admit for sure, that I could have definitely done a better job on.

[SFG]

Actually, yes, we are broken up. She came over yesterday when I was at work and she took all her stuff and left my key. She even brought back some of the things I gave her...two pictures of us I had framed.

 

She claims she didn't change the status on myspace because she doesn't want people thinking something happened between us. Not too sure I understand that...she was also talking of deleting it, but hasn't done that. I'm kind of confused on this...unless I really do mean something to her and she's hoping she can let go of what I did.

[GoingForIt_77]

I see it like this:

 

No, we can't force our ex's to come back, but we can start to understand ourselves a little better and work on our own issues. Specifically the ones that pushed our ex's away from us and in most cases forced them to have to leave us.

 

If we can see ourselves for who we are and love ourselves and not doubt ourselves and our onw abilities, then we will grow that much stronger and into a better person in every way.

 

NOW, if the love is still there for our ex, I see nothing wrong with re-initiating contact at that point. It should only be done when you realize that you do NOT need your ex for your own happiness.

 

If your ex can smell the new you (new found confidence) and still has feelings for you, there is no coersion, or manipulation involved at that point.

[GoingForIt_77]

SFG, if you need to talk PM me. I CAN relate to you and your situation MORE than you know.

 

Dan

[kellbell]

"No, we can't force our ex's to come back, but we can start to understand ourselves a little better and work on our own issues. Specifically the ones that pushed our ex's away from us and in most cases forced them to have to leave us."

 

Okay, I agree with this. But also there may be a bit of an incompatability component as well. Some people are just not meant to be together, no matter how hard the couple tried...it is really no one's fault.

 

But like you wrote GoingForIt, breakups in many cases forces people to look at him/herself and reflect on what could be done different and better next time. Knowledge and wisdom are definitely gifts. Gifts that we can offer in the next relationship.

[GoingForIt_77]

We'll never know if it was an incompatibility issue until we rid ourselves of our own fears and doubts and neediness... If we can let in love without questioning it, trying to control it and make it do something it is not supposed to do (rid us of our low self-esteem and self-worth), than we see compatibility GROW exponentially.

[SFG]

Kellbell...there may be incompatibility. I really don't know. I do know that she and I have had a lot of fun together, and we have chemistry. We have some big differences (and she has said that maybe we are too different from time to time), but I think the opposites attract. She makes up for what I don't have, and vice versa.

 

The thought about finding someone else actually makes me sick. I haven't had many relationships in my life...not because I have irrationally high standards or because I am a loser or anything...it's just the way the ball has bounced. I often find myself liking women who are in a relationship...and often it's hard to meet someone who is single. For me, it could be years before I meet anyone again.

 

I have learned my lessons though. This is one thing she never realized. Every time I messed up, I made sure I changed. However, when the next fight would spring up, she'd re-bring that same issue up as if I hadn't changed...but I hadn't had the chance yet to show that I have because the situation never allowed it. I can be the man she wants. I can be what she needs. She does it all for me...and I'm confused why I haven't made her happy recently.

[kellbell]

SFG,

 

I see what you are saying BUT it takes two to tango. Yes, you have your faults and you goofed at times. We ALL do. It is normal. But I am sure she added to your relationship's demise. Take responsibilty for YOUR actions or lack thereof and learn from them.

[SFG]

You're right...it does take two. Thing is, I know she loves me. We wouldn't have experienced the things we have if she didn't. Sometimes I didn't know why she had so many gripes with me. I think the way she nitpicked at me took away the confidence I had. It was like a snowball rolling down a hill. I had reasons to be unconfident going into the relationship based on my financial issues. And perhaps she added to it.

 

But we truly did have amazing times together. We were always talking about our future.

 

I am confused thoroughly...the more I think about things, the more I can't comprehend them. She told me as we said goodbye after breaking up that she has never been so angry and so upset at anyone during a breakup. And her ex's were cheating on her....I just don't get how what I did hurt that much comparitively.

[kellbell]

"She told me as we said goodbye after breaking up that she has never been so angry and so upset at anyone during a breakup."

 

I am not sure as to why she said this. It is hard to say.

 

Well, I figure if things were meant to be, it will happen. I hope you feel better soon.

[SFG]

So, does anyone have any suggestions on when is the right time to make contact?

 

Meaning, should I wait at least a week? Should I wait until the end of next week because something is happening in her life that day and I should wish her well? Should I wait until I get my life back on track (which could take years)? Should I wait until Valentines day, and then make some kind of peace geture?

 

ALSO, what kind of contact should it be? An email? A voicemail? A phone call? Showing up at her place (God forbid)? Should it just simply be words? Or should it be along with some kind of gift?

[GoingForIt_77]

"She told me as we said goodbye after breaking up that she has never been so angry and so upset at anyone during a breakup."

 

Now, the only reason I could see her doing this is that she felt pushed pushed pushed and guess what? She may have also said that so you would fight back and so she could feel justified in walking away from you.

 

The best thing that could have been said in that situation was I understand and I'm sorry you feel that way and THAT'S IT...

 

Now you do NOTHING my man. If you want her to start to see you different..i.e.: Gain back some respect for you, you must stay strong now. She is GUARANTEED expecting you to break down now and go chasing after her. She sees you as helpless and that's why she is running. DON'T chase her now. Do whatever it takes to stay away from contacting her for now. Get through the tough times NOW without her and if after all that you still have love in your heart for her and you want to present the new you (really just you with more confidence), you can, but not before then. That's my plan anyways.

[SFG]

Well, that's where it gets even more confusing. She told me that about how mad she was. But, in the same conversation she suggested that I prove I love her, and that I don't just give up. This is where I'm confused. How do I navigate this?

 

She sounded like I can contact her all I want, but she will be the judge when the right time is for her to talk to me. She also made it sound like if I don't contact her, and if I completely go away, that it'd be like showing her that I've given up.

 

I was thinking, and this sounds so juvenile, about consistently updating my myspace page with pictures of us, and things like that. Never taking down the consistent theme of her and I...so that I can keep away and yet still show I care...as I said, it sounds juvy.

[GoingForIt_77]

Okay I'll put it bluntly man. Start acting like a MAN. Forget about proving yourself to her. She broke up with you yesterday. She wants you to prove yourself to her by being the MAN in YOUR actions and what will SHOW her that you are stronger than she thinks you are is giving her and yourself space.

My ex erased me from her Myspace the day she broke up with me. She also created an account on Facebook and added 350 people since Monday.

 

Guess what? I am NOT reacting to any of that. What I am doing is taking care of ME now and that's the ONLY thing that MAY want to make her turn her head in a bit, UNLESS she finds a new man on her facebook before that could happen.

 

I could be insecure and controlling now and tell her I know about her account. I could do all of that, but what I am doing and what you should do as well, is through your ACTIONS, give both her and yourself space. She didn't break up with you so that you could PROVE your love to her. Trying to prove that will make her NEVER want to come back. She wants you to be a MAN and walk away for now. That's the only thing that will make her miss and appreciate YOU more...Don't give in after 3-4 days. You have to do this for weeks. If you can hold out as long as 5-6 even better. Go at least 3-4...That's my suggestion. She will treat you so much differently at that point in time. Right now she takes you for granted. Pull away for awhile and watch that change.

[SFG]

Very true...man...I don't know if I ever realized just how attached I was until realizing that I'm doing what I'm doing right now. I guess I should feel lucky that she did kind of leave the door open. And you're right...if I stay away for nearly a month, if not more, when I do call she'll be that much more surprised to hear from me and more willing to want to hear from me.

 

I guess, perhaps, I never felt like I ever had any control in this relationship. So now, when the direction this goes from here is ultimately up to me, I'm having a hard time figuring out what I should do.

[GoingForIt_77]

You see, your thread is called "LOST...NEED guidance" Man, that speaks for itself, doesn't it? If you are announcing your anguish like that for all of us to help make it better for you, imagine how SHE must have felt. One word: OVERWHELMED.

 

You see, I used to be exactly like you in relationships, until I met someone who was the more submissive and dependent one and I refused to show my weakness with her until almost the very end, when I started to let go and START depending on her.

 

You have to be strong for you and she needs a strong person to lean on and protect her. When you lean on her for your own happiness, she can't cope with that and so she RUNS (RAN)..

 

Now, instead of running after her, walk away and gain your own strength. It may take 2 weeks and it may take 6. I don't know. It all depends on how determined YOU are.

 

You can be sensitive with her when with her, but never put all your own esteem onto her and expect her to carry your burden. She will for awhile and then she'll bail and want to be set free, which is where she is at now. Set her free for now and set YOURSELF free too. Once you need you and only you, check up on her. NOT BEFORE.