Taking things personally

[easyguy]

What you think it means to take something personally in a way that it becomes a burden in your life? At what point and in which instances do you feel that an occurrence or comment is the result of a personal failure on your behalf? When do you not take comments or unwanted occurrences personally, and why? When you take something personally, how do you deal with it? Do you think it is possible to not take anything personally?

 

There is no right or wrong answer. I am just curious.

[Day_Walker]

I dont take things personally. I think it would take a person who knew a lot about me then picked an issue that I was passionate about and exploited it then I might take that personally. If a person is just intentionally trying to get me upset so that I take it personal then I see that it is a trick and anything that they say I throw it back in their face with something worse.

[Heretic]

I don't take things personally.

 

It's a bad habit and I've worked hard to get rid of it. It is possible given the proper time and effort.

 

Let's put it this way though: Consider the time you spend worrying about things that have been said or done and blaming yourself for that. Now consider how much more valuable time that will be lost in the future for the same reasons.

 

Ridding yourself of this will clear your mind and allow you to focus on the really problems at hand not the issues that stem from those problems.

[caro33]

What you think it means to take something personally in a way that it becomes a burden in your life? At what point and in which instances do you feel that an occurrence or comment is the result of a personal failure on your behalf? When do you not take comments or unwanted occurrences personally, and why? When you take something personally, how do you deal with it? Do you think it is possible to not take anything personally?

 

There is no right or wrong answer. I am just curious.

 

Easyguy it is odd that you post this just as I am in full 'taking it personally' mode!

 

I take things very personally. In particular, I feel hurt when I go to a great deal of effort for people, or on projects etc, and that effort is not respected. In friendships it hurts me when my efforts are not reciprocated to some degree. Intellectually I can generally see that people have their own agenda and it's not about me, but I still feel it emotionally.

 

I have been told at most places I work to 'care less', which is damning. I still take work very personally, but am trying not to, and keeping my feelings mostly bottled up.

 

Overall I don't deal with it very well. This is a burden, as most people I know don't take as much stress around with them from this stuff. I'm sure at some level I have a choice and I am choosing to be hurt.

 

But I tend to think that if you put a lot of yourself into something that is then neglected, misused etc, it's really hard not to take that personally. So maybe the answer is to 'care less' at the time, to not be as obsessed with getting things perfect, or close to it. Put less of yourself in and you shouldn't be as vulnerable to hurt. I have tried to do this in my working life but am frustrated still b/c in my line of work I just cannot be half-involved in an issue I have been asked to resolve. What then upsets me is that my solutions are ignored or buggered up by the bosses, forgotten about, and then a few weeks later it all starts again.

 

I am currently taking it very personally that I have posted threads on ENA that have received close to no attention. I'm not sure how to deal with that. Yes I know "don't take it personally" etc etc, but....

[renaissancewoman101]

I take things personally all the time and it doesnt do my anxiety any good. I am always worried about how people think about me, if they like me or not, etc. If they say something about something I did, I always take it personally like I did something wrong.

 

Like if somebody cancels something on me, I take it as "they don't like me anymore" and "are trying to avoid me".

 

I have been trying to stop that nasty habit of mines since it does destroy my self-esteem and destroys friendships of mines. It's not an easy habit to quit.

[CelesteSeven]

I used to take things personally, sometimes to a great extent. But I "taught" myself (more like trained myself) to stop acting this way. It took me a long time, and a lot of mental effort, but I've done it.

"Not taking things personally" also came with accepting that I like myself for the person I am. I conform, somewhat, but I'm also quite the quirky 19 year old female (I won't post the master list, but Don Henley is my favorite singer and M*A*S*H is my most favorite show of all time). Added with a jumble of other things! So I didn't always "fit in" with everyone else my age.

However, I came to realize that people don't like you for what you're into, people like you because you like you and you are confident in yourself. I don't beam a ray of exuberance for myself wherever I go, however, I have it. And I believe people see it and think "cool".

Also, I realize that people tend to make themselves their own focus, and that if something is said that offends you or is seemingly mocking toward you, it probably isn't. And they most likely didn't direct it toward you or even know you'd take it personally.

Bring it up, let it slide; you should do what feels right! But there should not be a major escalation over little things (don't make mountains out of molehills). Big things deserve big responses, in my mind. Same goes for the small.

 

Be who you want to be. Be you. And life really is too short, and pacing back and forth wondering if person X said Y about you to make you feel Z isn't going to change the situation. Accept. Move on.

 

And btw, I totally agree with RWoman above there! It takes way too much away from you if you sit and worry (I know because I used to do it myself). Who cares if someone likes you or not? If you're just being you, and they don't like it, well... it doesn't mean you should change. There is no magical formula. No matter who you are, someone will find a way to dislike something about you.

 

Being myself makes me happy. And my happiness then makes other comfortable in my presense. No one hounds me for my tastes and the person I am.

[caro33]

All true, all good. But I am interested in how people manage to commit whole-heartedly to something that they know will be a waste of time, something they have no choice about. Many of us have worked in jobs where we are not appreciated, or we have families that have the same effect.

 

How do you put in 100% and remain open to hope without also being open to the hurt - the taking things personally?

 

Alternatively, how do you manage to switch off while also putting in what you need to? How can you see this type of situation as a game and not resent having to play it?

[finewhine]

Wow, Caro, I get to give you advice for once! How exciting!

 

That's just it - you revel in the knowledge that you gave 100%, the most and best you can do. We are human beings with limitations. Learn from your mistakes, especially with people. If you continue to invest in someone with diminishing returns, quit investing in him, ya know?

[caro33]

Wow, Caro, I get to give you advice for once! How exciting!

 

That's just it - you revel in the knowledge that you gave 100%, the most and best you can do. We are human beings with limitations. Learn from your mistakes, especially with people. If you continue to invest in someone with diminishing returns, quit investing in him, ya know?

 

Yeah, you're absolutely right finewhine, but my revelling days are coming to an end. There's only so much back patting I can manage on myself - my arms are short . My fragile ego needs sustenance and I can't tell my boss to bugger off just yet. Can't tell my mother to shove it with her odd comments about fat brides at my wedding. Etc.

 

I mean I do assert myself, but am also trying to be restrained and suck it up so that I can take home my pay and maintain smooth relationships. I am a whinger and not good at ego suppression; maybe I just need to grow up and find that way to care less. I might post about this in the career/job section because it's doing my head in.

 

Am really keen for any advice you have to be frank, I like you and I like what you have to say about things. If you see a thread from me and have the time/inclination, please come in and feel free to say whatever you like.

[mushmouth]

I take things personally when I've completely screwed up and I feel its soley my fault. I just wrote a post about a great date gone bad. While my friends all laugh at how it ended (I punched a guy) the woman was shocked and ran off...probably for good. I have to admit, she could have seen it differently (read the post for details) but obviously I was out of line especially on a first date.

 

Of course, when I do something that makes me feel good I also take that personally which is a good thing. For instance, I never would have been on that date had I not approached that woman.

[Celadon]

What you think it means to take something personally in a way that it becomes a burden in your life? At what point and in which instances do you feel that an occurrence or comment is the result of a personal failure on your behalf? When do you not take comments or unwanted occurrences personally, and why? When you take something personally, how do you deal with it? Do you think it is possible to not take anything personally?

Oh, I'm really good at taking things personally. It's second nature to me, really. But I've learned that it's not helpful at all to be this way, so I'm trying to go in the complete opposite direction.

 

I think that NOT taking things personally is a good tool for self-protection. It helps me respond in a more rational, reasonable, compassionate manner. If I take things personally, I'm constantly feeling attacked or victimized. So to counteract that, I consciously try to put the responsibility on the other person, if that makes any sense.

 

For example, I've got a difficult employee. She's just not interested in working cooperatively with me. I took it personally for awhile, but that got really old really fast. Created too much anxiety for me. So now when she glares at me or doesn't get done what she should, I tell myself, "She's the one with the problem. That's too bad for her."

 

The trick to NOT taking things personally is to insulate (or isolate?) yourself from the other person's actions. And, don't believe for a minute that -- even if you were wrong -- that it makes you a bad person. That, I think, is really a key point.

 

Some people are more prone to taking things personally because they are just more emotionally sensitive. That doesn't necessarily change throughout life, but I think we can learn coping skills that will help us to deal with difficult situations more effectively.

 

BTW, I totally relate to renaissancewoman. My first thought when someone cancels on me is that it's a reflection of how they regard me.

[itsallgrand]

What you think it means to take something personally in a way that it becomes a burden in your life? At what point and in which instances do you feel that an occurrence or comment is the result of a personal failure on your behalf? When do you not take comments or unwanted occurrences personally, and why? When you take something personally, how do you deal with it? Do you think it is possible to not take anything personally?

 

There is no right or wrong answer. I am just curious.

 

Ok. I'll try to answer this honestly as it could be very helpful. Your thread topics are often very good.

 

I think taking something personally becomes a burden in your life if it is not based in reality.

Not talking subjective reality. The hard facts of living.

When it is more an emotional reaction than anything else.

 

I often feel that events and comments are a result of personal failure. That area is rather childish, a childish part of my development.

But I'm learning.

 

I do not take things personally when I can clearly see the other's part in a situation. Or if I can lay blame, as it suits me.

 

When I don't know who or what is happening or responsible, I assume by default that it is me.

 

I deal with it very poorly, but I'm learning. From angry outbursts, temper tantrums, to lectures, to reckless behavior.

Nowadays I do my best to try to and stop and listen first. Gather information.

 

I don't know if it is possible to not take anything personally. I don't know if that is desirable or healthy, either.

My suspicion right now is in a balance. Only taking those things personally that directly relate to what we are responsible for: and then, not using it as a means of punishment or excuse for poor behavior - but as a motivating force to put forth our all into what is important to us.

[talo]

What you think it means to take something personally in a way that it becomes a burden in your life? At what point and in which instances do you feel that an occurrence or comment is the result of a personal failure on your behalf? When do you not take comments or unwanted occurrences personally, and why? When you take something personally, how do you deal with it? Do you think it is possible to not take anything personally?

 

There is no right or wrong answer. I am just curious.

 

Personally, I am finding that I really like to have no notion of what I am, as then there is nothing here to take anything personally.

 

This does not appear to hamper operationally at all. In fact it appears to be a compassionate opening.

[talo]

I am interested in how people manage to commit whole-heartedly to something that they know will be a waste of time, something they have no choice about.

Sort of like committing to life? Is life a waste of time? Only if not whole-heartedly committed perhaps?

How do you put in 100% and remain open to hope without also being open to the hurt - the taking things personally?

If 100% committed to life, is there anything personal left? And if there is, is that not really committed?

Alternatively, how do you manage to switch off while also putting in what you need to?

Needs to? Isn't the need only personal? Or is the need to more of a want to or like to? And if it is, is there such a need for such a switch?

How can you see this type of situation as a game and not resent having to play it?

It is a game isn't it? (Perhaps a serious game?) And if seen as not a game, isn't one playing a 'not playing the game' game, which is another game isn't it? A resentful game?