Workplace crush: He obviously likes me, but.. your opinions please!

[whoredon]

This could be long-winded and neurotic, but I'll try to make it entertaining

 

I'm 23, and there's a guy I work with about four years older than me. He's generally a very affectionate person, but he has always been particularly so towards me. He regularly ruffles my hair, winks at me, stands in doorways and won't let me through, pokes his finger in my ear, pulls my ponytail out, pushes me, drapes his hand accross my face.. you get the general idea. Either he's extremely playful, or he's sending me some pretty serious messages, and I suspect it's the latter since I've seen him blush a few times.

 

I generally ignored all this behaviour, because I'm quite short and people like to play silly buggers with me a lot! But, when it was his birthday, I decided to make him a cake.. and standing there half drunk at 1AM putting the icing on, I had a blinding epiphany and realised that I actually really fancied him! He's not my type, and on one occasion I told him so in a sort of joking way. But, I guess, I changed my mind. After I baked the cake, did a bit of swooning, and tried to subtlely let him know how I felt, we ended up chatting away.. and in the context of the conversation said he went somewhere with "this girl I'm seeing". Obviously I was a bit confused, but I decided to ignore that comment since it seemed like it slipped out.. and I had always suspected he liked me, so maybe he had got sick of waiting and went out with her instead. Anyway. We went to a work function where I (naturally) got rotten drunk and decided that this was the perfect opportunity to foist myself upon him. It didn't go so well.. he wasn't very drunk and he just seemed somewhat bewildered by my advances. Once again he took the opportunity to make (what seemed like) a pointed comment about his girlfriend. I felt awfully sorry for myself, absolutely stunned that I had misinterpreted his constant touching, and so I went home defeated.

 

The next day was a bit awkward, but I decided that I could hardly be blamed for mistaking his advances for being romantic, and went about my business as usual.. but in spite of my decision to end "the game", he appeared to want to continue. We would meet in the kitchen and he would stand extremely close to me, asking me vague questions about things he obviously wasn't interested in. I caught him staring at me, and blushing occasionally. He continued to touch me, but now the touches were more intimate than playful and seemed to have a certain longing behind them. The "hair ruffles" would last as long as his arms would stretch as he walked alongside of me, and sometimes I would get a combination hair ruffle, ponytail pull and ear poke all in one! Had he changed his mind? Had it taken him a while to realise that I actually genuinely wanted him? He seemed to find every excuse available to talk to me, and if I asked for his help he would go out of his way to solve my work-related problems. He seemed as though he was desperately trying to tell me something, and given that I had (thought I had) made it quite clear that I wanted him, I couldn't understand why he didn't just ask me out, or make it clear in some otherway that yes, he wanted me too.

 

He was flying back to his home country for a month, and he, another colleague of mine and myself all went out for lunch. He insisted that I sit in the front of the car with him, and chatted away to me almost ignoring the other colleague. Just as I had decided that it was really going to happen, that he really did want me, the topic of his girlfriend came up again. He happened to be very hung over, and the other colleague jokingly accused him of being out all night shagging.. and he said "I'm not like that, and neither is she". My heart sunk, although considering how long he's been going out with her (about 3 months) I found it quite odd that they hadn't had sex yet! He continued to talk to me as though there was no one else there, and everything I said he laughed at or agreed with. He asked me about my friends, my future plans, and all the while stared at me with that ever so familiar "i want you" look. I was, and remain, absolutely completely confused about what he's up to.

 

He's now back from holiday, and from fretting about this for so long I can't even talk to him without blushing and shaking. It's becoming highly embarrassing, and I'm going to have to say something because I'm tired of this game. He has a girlfriend, and if that seemed like his final decision, I would happily retreat and look elsewhere. But as it stands, the touching and the teasing are becoming unbearable. When I stop being totally neurotic and analytical, it's totally obvious that he wants me, but he doesn't seem to want to do anything about it. He can't have his cake and eat it too! So what do I do? My plan is as follows: Next time he touches me, I will ask him whether he is deliberately tormenting me since it's patently obvious that I'm besotted with him. I don't know. I could just get cold and ignore him, but that will eventually backfire since I have to work with him.. and what if he is just incredibly shy and doesn't know what to do? Someone suggested laying a sexual harassment suit..

 

I have never known a man to be more complicated than a woman! Please help me!

[insofar]

If the touching is unwelcome, you don't even have to lay a suit. It's easy, you just tell your boss. He'll be so screwed, you have no idea.

 

Anyway, I'd just get him to lay his cards on the table. He could just be very flirty by nature, which probably isn't something you want. But you won't know until you ask.

[whoredon]

Thanks,

I think that's about all I can do. Ask him, "what is it that you actually want from me?"

 

It can't possibly get any more awkward than it is!

[addictedblue]

theres a guy i work with who ALWAYS pokes me or ruffles my hair or shoots rubberbands at me. we talk all the time, through texting or online. he also has a girlfriend like the guy in your post. i didn't think of those things as signs he liked me, just that he was very friendly and found me fun to annoy, not to actually have feelings for or date. he never did it in front of his girlfriend but of course not. this guy at your job may be the same way, just likes to have fun and mess around while stuck at work, the things you mentioned aren't definite indicators. most men aren't that obvious anyway so he might not like you. of course i may be totally wrong, i can't totally say because i don't know either of you, but that's my opinion on the situation.

[whoredon]

Well I guess the indicators for me are that he blushes sometimes, and we have looked at each other in THAT way. Y'know, the whole eye contact thing. But he would definitely have to realise by now that I have the hots for him.. and if he didn't like me, surely he would be like "whoops, I've taken it too far" and stop.

 

But I get what you're saying.. I guess that's what I'm afraid of.. heh.

[charley]

Well, in the USA, he'd probably be already fired for touching you at work in front of others, even if you hadn't complained. I find it amazing that he does all these things without getting fired. But you live in a different culture. A wonderful culture actually.

 

I live in the USA where everyone is uptight about everything. The women are especially uptight here. No offense to the USA women present, but compared to women elsewhere in the world, you're an uptight bunch. It's a fact. I think Canadian women are a bit uptight too, but not as much as USA women. No one is the world is as uptight as USA women. I put in a lot of effort to sweeten them up. It's not easy. They're going to want to castrate me now. I'll have to leave the country.

 

Someone suggested laying a sexual harassment suit. Let me guess, a North American woman suggested that, right? If you don't like it, be decent and tell him to stop first. Then if he doesn't stop, report him to your boss.

 

You have no grounds for a suit, unless you boss knew about it (saw it, or you reported it) and did nothing to stop it. A suit would be against the company, not the employee (guy). Why punish the company for something you never reported to them?

 

If you don't like it, just tell him to stop. Only report it if he doesn't stop after you told him.

 

Now back to you. I find New Zealand and Australian women to be amazingly tolerant of men. I love your attitudes. On my worst behavior day ever at work, or elsewhere, you'd think I was very well behaved. The USA women likely would think I'm borderline at work, which I am by USA standards. But I manage to stay just on the good side of the line. A polite, respectful, verbal compliment is as far as I'd dare go at work or elsewhere, and I wouldn't be touching any women without permission, though many do give me permission as they like to receive a backrub at lunch time. Not a private backrub. A public one in cafeteria where I'll go around table and give every woman who consents a little backrub while she's in her chair. I'm very popular at work, especially with the ladies. Popular as a friend though, darn.

 

Mess up an American woman's hair, especially at work? That's going to start a nasty fight and the guy's going to get fired the first time, or if he's really lucky, he might just get a single warning. However, you are a New Zealander and from a different culture than me. So I don't know how much of a violation the hair or touching without permission is. In the USA, especially at work, his @ss would be grass.

 

I think it's time to have a serious talk with this guy and find out what his deal is. Not just ask him the current deal, but also ask him to explain the history of his feelings and behavior. He sounds freakin weird to me, but I'm from another culture. So I don't know what weird is in New Zealand. He doesn't sound shy to me. He sounds just strange. I can't explain him. However, I shouldn't be to critical of a guy who is from another culture that I don't understand.

[Northalius]

Well, from what you said? I'd not trust him if I were you.

 

He is talking about his girlfriend in front of you, yet he's touching you in flirtatious ways at work? Getting you to sit up front in a car, while basically ignoring the person in the back seat? That's not good.

 

If he's intentionally lying about having a girlfriend, then he's trying to test you somehow. I am doubting this, though.

 

He's playing games, either way. I'd say go ahead and confront him about this once and for all, before it goes on any longer.

[river dog]

Wish poking a finger in the ear worked for me, would save a lot of time and money.

 

To me. His actions are those of someone who really, really likes you but is not able to take it any further, for his own reasons.

 

I ruffle the hair of a woman here, whom I fancy enormously but she is involved and has kids. She made it clear that she likes me too, otherwise I would not do this.