on a break.. need to spill my guts..

[regoms]

I've updated my progress in a post below, so don't let this giant first post intimidate you into clicking away! Just skip this and move to the update, just come back up here if you need a backstory.

 

 

Hey everyone,.. I'm going through a difficult time right now and I just found this forum. I think this is great because I need to clear my mind. This post may be a bit long, and I'm not sure if i'm really asking anything. I just need a channel to put things down and know someone is listening(reading). So, I would like to thank anyone who takes the time to read this in advance.

 

Ok,.. so here's the deal. I'm 25 years old, and I've been dating my 21year old girlfriend for almost 3 years now. Well,.. I was anyway, until last thursday when she told me we needed to take a break.

 

Now,.. before I get into all that, let me go back to the beginning and tell you how it got to this point. Throughout my life, I've been involved in a number of short term relationships that would last for a few dates to a few months. Previously, my longest relationship had been 8 months. After a particularly bad breakup with a girl I had dated for about 4 months(it wasn't that the breakup itself was so bad, she just wasnt being honest with me), I was sent into a downward spiral. I looked around and who did I see picking up girls left and right? Loud mouths.. obnoxious morons, show offs. And what did I commonly get? I got to be the nice guy the girl would turn to for support, but never consider dating. I decided from then on out that I just wasnt going to let myself care about females anymore. I would still date, but at the smallest sign that they were blowing me off or not being honest, I would forget about them. I held onto this mindset for a good year or so and honestly I had a lot of fun. I did meet a lot of nice girls, but I didn't date anyone more than 2 or 3 times in this period. Then finally I met her. Things started normally enough. I actually met her on an online dating site, and we seemed to hit it off. We exchanged phone numbers and she called me before I even had a chance to think about calling her. We set up a night to hang out, and we went for a walk. It was a beautiful spring night in April. We got some ice cream and then sat in my car and talked for hours. We hit it off immediately. We dated for a while after that, until officially becoming a couple.

 

For the most part, our relationship has been very positive. There has been periods where we've fought, like any healthy couple would, but never a blow out. In the past year things have been especially good. She moved out of her dorm at school and got her own apartment, as well as a dog. More recently we've discussed moving in together at the end of our leases this year. We had begun to search real estate websites for a house that would fit both of our needs.

 

One issue that we did have throughout the relationship dealt with my health. Now,.. thats not to say I am an unhealthy person. I typically get sick for about 1 day per year. It's kind of off topic but i associate my good health with my abandonment of OTC medicine. It seems I used to get sick all the time and the first thing id do is reach for the NyQuil, which prolonged the sickness for days. At one point ,I decided I would no longer take aspirin, cold medicine, or anything of that nature unless told to by a doctor. Of course I am also open to taking prescriptions recommended to me. Since then I have felt healthier and get sick much less often.

 

But anyway... her issue with my health was that I don't regularly go to the doctor, or the dentist. I'm also nearsighted, but only wore glasses for a short period In college until I lost them. After that, through being busy and lazy I never went to get new ones. When I was a kid, the way it was was that I would go to the doctor if I was sick, and I would go to the dentist if I had a tootache. This is how I was brought up, and I suppose my parents were brought up the same way. I never really understood the gravity of her feelings in this matter, and I promised her that as soon as I needed to, I would go to the doctor and dentist. In fact I told her I would do it "as soon as I can", and it's not that I was lying. But, I am very devoted to my job and I do work about 60 hours a week which makes it hard for me to stop and make those appointments. In the 2 years at my current job I havent even taken a vacation! My company is small and noone else can do my job. So taking time off is just stress for me, since I will have that much more work to do when I get back. So anyway, this very much bothered her, but I had no idea. It came up 3 times and each time I was able to make her happy by promising once again that I would do it. Little did I know this girl truly cared for my health more than even my own family does.

 

Now that that is out of the way, we can add the next item into the equation. Her mental health. Since she was a young girl, she's suffered from anxiety, and is on medication and regularly visits professionals while she is in school. A couple months ago she started to experience sexual side effects of her medicine, which confused things since I immediately blamed myself, and she blamed the medicine. We waited to see if things would improve, but they did not. She made an appointment to see a psychiatrist about it(outside of school), thinking that her generic medicine was causing the problems. The psychiatrist told her it probably wasnt the medicine but outside stress that was causing the problems, and she increased the dosage in order to try and increase the medicines effectiveness. A couple weeks later I could tell she was upset about something and when I asked her about it she began to cry. I laid with her and we talked and she revealed to me that she realized that part of her current problem WAS rooted in me. The way I dress, the fact that my apartment is sometimes messy, things like this. She says she feels like she puts more effort into going out than I do(which unfortunately was true, but had nothing to do with her). So,.. I tell her Im glad she told me and I promised her to change. The very next day we went shopping and I had her help me pick out some clothes(to me, I go for comfort over style). She seemed happy, everything was back to normal. We had a great christmas together, and then she went with me to visit family accross the state for a few days. Everything was great.(and i even liked the new clothes more than the old ones!). We spent new years eve together and had a great time. After she went back home on new years day, for the next few days she was telling me she didnt feel good and couldnt eat. I offered her my support and of course offered to pick up stuff for her if she didnt feel like going out. She said she figured she'd be fine and told me she had to go to her mom's on friday(we usually ate out each friday) so she said I should come visit her at her apt one night after work.

 

So,.. thursday came and I drove over to her apt to hang out with her,.. it was a rough day at work and i couldnt wait to sit and relax. as usual her dog was thrilled to see me, and after i finally spent 5-10 minutes petting her, i sat down on the couch. She took my hands and said those words. "We have to talk...". My heart sunk. What happened?! So, she goes on to tell me she thinks we need a break, because she needs time to get herself straightened out. Now, I know this is common breaking up excusage, but considering her mental issues, I give her the benefit of the doubt. We were both very upset and cried together for probably 3 hours before I got up the strength to stand up and leave the apartment. She told me over and over that she loves me and that this was one of the hardest things she's ever had to do.. and of course i echoed that sentiment. She told me she still wants to be in my life, and still wants me to be in hers, just not as a boyfriend for the time being. She also had a bad semester in school, and is now on academic probation. She wants to have all the focus she can to finish this semester coming up in a better position. She doesnt feel she can do that while she's in a relationship.

 

As hard as it is,.. I accepted this the best I could, and I left. She called me before I even got home to make sure I made it ok. That was the last we've talked on the phone. This was last thursday, and it's been an insanely hard week for me. It's hard to fall asleep because I'm used to hearing from her on the phone to say goodnight(or sleeping over her apt on the weekends). When I talk to her on AIM it feels as if I'm bothering her so I cut back on that. I've been emailing her which is better and she says she enjoys it because she can keep in touch with me without having to do it in real time. It's very important to me that I give her the space she needs so she can feel better.

 

Since the break last week I of course have been thinking about things a lot, and it finally hit me how much my health stuff has affected her. I feel terrible about it, and I told her that I am ready to do what I need to to take care of myself and make her happy and confident in me. I already went and got new glasses, this afternoon. The doctor and dentist will wait for a bit because I truly need her support the first time. I know it's a weird thing to be this scared of a doctor or dentist visit, but for me theres something in that sterile smell that makes me feel sick and I just need someone there with me for comfort. my plan now is to get through this day by day. I know I shouldnt remind myself of her but I keep looking at our pictures and in music i never paid attention to before lyrics are jumping out that seem to be pulled from our lives. Valentines day is coming up and I absolutely will be buying her a gift. Even if we are technically apart she is the one girl that i truly love, and the only person who's ever connected with me at this kind of level. I'm hoping that perhaps she'll be open to the idea of going out for dinner that night. It might be helpful for us to catch up if only for a couple hours. I figure by then she will have had a month to settle into her new classes and to have time to herself. I'm not counting on this, it's just what Im looking forward to, to keep me going. In the meantime I will become a better person with less health concerns, better vision, less weight(which is something im constantly struggling with, but doing well with now), and an insight to how things went wrong the first time.

 

I guess thats the long story for now. I will undoubtedly be back here to respond to any comments and to post updates on my situation. Thanks to everyone(anyone) who stuck with me through that long post...

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I am not so sure that she broke things off due to your health issues. It seems to me that she has enough of her own problems to deal with and needs to focus on that. With regards to dentists, doctors etc. you are really hurting yourself in the long run if you don't attend to these needs. If you haven't had a routine dental cleaning in years, you might be in for a rude awakening because your teeth will be full of plaque. I know someone who didn't go to the dentist for 8 years and she had lots of dental issues as a result of this. You only have one set of teeth and it is best to take care of your teeth and gums so that you don't lose them and don't have to deal with root canals, bridges etc. As for the doctor, it is very important to have a routine checkup every year. Especially as you get older. Plenty of young people have problems...you want to make sure that your health is checked out, blood pressure good, blood work good etc. It is especially important since you seem to have a high stress job and don't take vacations and down time. Look after your health and well-being for your sake. It is very easy when you are young, to think you will live forever in good health. Life sometimes doesn't work out that way...you have to make sure you are in good health by seeing a doctor once a year.

[regoms]

i totally understand, and it's not that i think im invincible at all. i appreciate your concern and the fact that you took the time to read/respond but im more looking for comments/advice about the relationship as opposed to a lecture about good health.

 

i know my health issues are not the main reason we are on a break, but she said very clearly to me that she was terrified of ending up married to me if i didnt learn to take care of myself(this was months back). her anxiety multiplies these feelings. furthermore her mother is a cancer survivor who made it due to early detection so i cant blame her for being concerned about me(and others in her life). i know this part of my life is on the wrong path and im extremely grateful that she wants to help me make it right. i just wish i accepted her help earlier. im not saying "oh if i only did that we'd be ok".. but what im saying is that if i did we would have LESS to deal with at this point.

 

anyway, thanks again for reading and for taking the time to post your thoughts.

[regoms]

any other comments/insight?

[Ellie2006]

Hi there Regoms,

Welcome to Enotalone.

I am sorry to hear of the circumstances that brought you here, however

Anyway, this is my opinion alone and you may disagree but bear w/ me here: I don't mean to sound harsh but I think your gf has HER issues to deal w/ on HER own. So as hard as it may be, leave her be for now to deal w/ them on her own.

 

I was a bit disconcerted as I read that she kinda put the blame on YOU for her feelings of anxiety AND that she tried to change YOU to make HERSELF feel better. Now, I do think if you weren't putting enough effort into the relationship (and if she felt as though she was putting in more effort), I can see how she might have been upset. BUT to *me*, issues like you being messy, and you not dressing the way she thinks you should dress ... well, these are resolvable issues, wouldn't you say? In other words, (although all situations are different), these are NOT the type of issues that people tend to break up over.

 

Listen, her reasons for wanting to break up -- i.e. taking more time to focus on her issues and her academic situation right now -- seems very valid.

 

So give her the time and space she asked for. And use this time for you as well to determine if the relationship w/ her is what you really want.

 

What do you say?

 

Also, don't forget to take care of yourself!

[regoms]

Thanks for the response. I feel like I should clear up some misconceptions here. Im not trying to defend her, but I should clarify because it was hard to cliff note 3 years in the initial post.

 

 

 

I don't feel that we broke over solely these issues, and for the record she's never blamed me for her anxiety in general. What she did reveal to me was that *as a result* of the way I dressed, it made her feel like she shouldn't bother getting dressed up either. Which, for her, was apparently enough to send her into a spiral of low confidence. No matter how much I told her how beautiful she looked, it didnt matter. Im not blaming myself for this, as this is obviously part of what she needs to get over for herself. I did as much as I could in letting her help me pick out a couple new outfits.

 

So what I'm trying to say is perhaps it wasnt these minor issues that led to this, but perhaps these issues were what led her to realize she needed to get things sorted out. ..and in reality the stuff about the way I dress is only a minor thing.. the health stuff was a far greater deal to her.

 

 

 

Sounds great, thanks for the response! I've been trying extremely hard to contact her as little as possible. Trying to find the balance I need to stay in her life and her in mine, while not being *right there* has been a huge challenge. I think I really need to abandon the IM altogether and just keep in touch through emails.

 

Ah well.. back to 24 thanks again. Still open to any other insight

[regoms]

Well, I wanted to post an update for everyone. As I said before, comments, suggestions, etc, are more than welcome.

 

Since I lasted posted , my sadness had broken into a rollercoaster of emotions.

 

I received a response to an email I sent her that made me feel better about the situation and to understand better what she's going through, and why she's not letting me help her with it. She also said that she is OK with me IMing her occasionally to wish her well or say goodnight.

 

I also decided to seek the advice of one of my ex's, who i haven't spoken with in some time. She assured me that while we were dating , nothing I did caused our breakup, and that my current gf was probably going through a similiar thing assuming I haven't changed(which I dont think I have). I had kept in touch on and off with this ex, and we get along great, but we've never discussed other relationships until the other night. It felt good that after all these years I can finally feel comfortable talking to her about anything. So that was Monday, and I felt great. I didn't IM my girlfriend at all.

 

On Tuesday, my gf started her classes for this semester, and when I saw her online in the afternoon I imed her to say I hope she had a good first day. In fact, the way I worded it, I made sure to tell her i was ONLY saying that much. She did not respond, so once again I felt bad for bothering her. I followed up with "thats all, sorry.." and THEN she responded with just "thanks". This immediately upset me, for good reason I think. I shot off an email to her telling her Im not iming her anymore and I also asked her to elaborate on her classes. She wrote back today and told me about her classes.

 

I guess most importantly she mentioned that she will be seeing her therapist today. (she only goes for sessions during the school year because its included in her tuition, and her insurance doesnt cover mental health AFAIK). I'm hoping the therapist can help with our situation,.. I could be entirely off as I'm no doctor, but I don't see how it can be healthy to abandon a long term, stable, commited relationship in the blink of an eye, to the point where your bf feels bad about saying hi. That sounds selfish, but of course the most important thing is that she feels better. I guess Im just holding onto hope that her therapist will recommend not shutting me out completely or show her how she can balance me as a part of her life.(has anyone here been to therapy in a similiar situation? i know its different for everyone but id be interested to hear what recommendations people have received concerning their partners after a very recent break or break up.)

 

at the end of the email, she referenced the part of mine where I said I would no longer IM her. she said "you dont have to im me anymore if you dont want. i dont want you to apologize to me, so i dont know."...that was hard to read. it truly seems like shes already beyond me. maybe its just in my head, or maybe shes putting up a strong front because she doesnt know how to deal with this. so now im back to sadness.. it's been getting easier, but it's still tough...

 

alright thats all for the current rant. let me know what you think!

[iceman85]

Man, I hate reading this. It reminds me of where i've been.

 

You need to stop talking to her. I know you wont want to, and I know its hard as hell. But you have to.

 

No more emails, IMs, anything. I know you care about her so damn much but you can still care but you need to be out of her life completley. She isn't going to feel any better about you unless your gone. She will string you along and continue to crush your feelings. I know you dont want that.

 

Nobody knows what will happen with you two in the future. You can only control you. Just disapear, have her wondering about you. She needs to stabilize herself. Hopefully she does one day, and I hope she realizes she loves you and everything turns out alright.

 

Love is an addiction sometimes, its hard to get over a difficult breakup. You keep going back for more pain. Just lay low, do stuff for yourself. Go to the doctors and dentist, do it for you. Not for her. She doesnt need to be there with you, you can do it, build up the strength. Its what she would want you to do.

[regoms]

just bumping this for anyone who missed it.

 

i decided at some point today that im going to go ahead and cut back on emails as well. im not going to cut them off completely like ive done with the IM's, but I'm going to limit them as much as possible. I'm just scared that all im doing to her right now is pushing her away.(for those who skipped the first post, she DID say she likes to get emails from me so she can still hear from me)..but I think i just need to relax alltogether. i had been emailing her pretty much nightly, but for now ill move it to a few days, a week, and perhaps longer after that once im able to better guage the situation. trust me,.. if she had decisively broken things off with me,.. this would actually be easier. id walk away and not be haunted by the chance of a future relationship.

 

im dying to know how her therapy went today,.. but ill just have to wait

 

edit: thanks iceman. you posted your response just as i posted this. if you want to comment further on this, feel free!

[iceman85]

Im sorry for what your going through regoms. Its really the worst thing i've ever experienced, going through a tough breakup unsure of the future and blindsided by a burning love that seemed like it would never end just die one day.

 

I know you want to be in contact with her. Do what you must. Being in contact wont help ease any pain and every email you get from her you will decipher for any hint of how she feels about you. Its not a good path to go down. Dont give her the security of knowing you will still email her and care. She needs to be on her own and figure out whatever is going on with her.

 

Of course she loves the emails. If i had just broken up with someone i'd be happy to know that I still had someone who cared about me there no matter what. Everyone likes to know their cared about.

 

But this is all about you and healing from this. You cant do things because they make her happy. You need to do things because they help you get better.

 

I went through this not long ago. And I held on like a toddler holds on to his mother. For 5 months after we broke up. I loved her so much, we were together for so long, how could we just be done? I was in so much denial, so much pain that I couldnt let her go, I was weak.

 

I finally got up the courage one day to tell her everything i was feeling and let her know it would be the last night I would be talking to her. It was very difficult. But I had to do it for myself. I still remember the sight of her driving away, its the last time i saw her. That was 3 months ago. She contacted me twice since. Once we had a great conversation, the next day she went crazy on me because I had tried to figure out who this guy she was talking to was a little while before and she saw him on my buddy list.

 

I havent talked to her since. Its been almost 2 months. It hasnt been easy, but i've gotten so much better, so much stronger, and even though I can honestly tell you that its 7 months later and i still miss her, i can be alright again. I think about her alot even still, but I can be fine without her.

 

Its especially hard when you come up on an anniversery, or a holiday, or valentines day, and realize that last year you were with them, so happy, so in love, and now your world is blown apart. But you can get through it, just be strong and dont talk to her if you can. Do things for yourself and work on making yourself happy again.

[regoms]

thanks for the advice! it means a lot that you took the time to read and respond, esp. considering how long winded my posts were.

 

as for healing myself, i def. agree and its coming along well. im exercising more, keeping busy,.. reaching out to some old friends i lost touch with, and all that other good stuff.

 

she actually summed up the situation best. the night she broke up with me we were hugging each other for hours crying together,.. and she said to me "can;t you just call me a * * * * * or something? it would make this so much easier" she was joking of course, and i tried it, but she didnt believe me anyway . i guess its kinda like that... immediately before this happened, things couldnt have been better in terms of the relationship itself. 4 nights before this we spent new years eve together and new years day was the last time i saw her not counting the night she broke things off. we were even intimate before she left on new years day. like i said... completely out of the blue. so my whole point is if i had some indication of this coming like she was treating me coldly or something, it would be so much easier to walk away. and if she would just tell me to forget about the future, i would. but since i got none of that, im having a huge struggle with giving up.

 

but, im trying. little by little i guess.

[keenan]

hey guy~ am so sorry you're going through this. it's a tough road to walk, and you sound really caring and thoughtful.

 

i do have one odd question. is there anyway that the 'doctor and dentist' thing could be her way of saying that she would be happier if you lost weight, gained weight, worked out, straightened your teeth, got more stylish glasses, etc.? Because SOME concern for health is normal, but she seems to have emphasized that more than normal...and combined with her desire that you get a new wardrobe and take better care of your apartment...it all kind of points to her taking issue with the way you present yourself to the world. maybe she's wondering what it's like to be with somebody who's really polished and suave? she probably wouldn't say that to your face if she felt that it would be shallow or mean.

 

now, PLEASE let me be clear that i AM NOT suggesting that you change yourself in any physical way to please her (or to meet some imagined expectation). i hesitated to even ask that question for fear of planting a seed in your mind about changing yourself to please her. but while i DO think you should take care of your health for your own sake, i don't think you should beat yourself up about that wrt the break-up.

 

hope i didn't make that worse.

 

good luck, hon.

[regoms]

thanks for the response , you def. didnt make anything worse.

 

i realize her emphasis on these issues seems extreme, but i guess you have to know her to understand. her anxiety causes her to take things that to most people are not a huge reason for concern and blow them way out of proportion. for my birthday, one of the gifts she bought me was a carbon monoxide detector. yeah,.. you see what i mean

 

there was also a night we were driving home to my place after dinner and it was pretty late so there was very little traffic. one of the cars we did come accross was obviously driven by a drunk driver. he was swerving badly and almost hit the guardrail a couple times. it was only our 2 cars anywhere in sight. i stayed a safe distance behind him for a period so she could call 911 and report him, and then i put a lane between us and carefully passed him. it was a relatively minor incident, but when we got home she curled up on my bed and sobbed for over an hour.

 

so,.. the clothing and apartment stuff can easily be worked on.. its not a big deal in the grand scheme of things. the doctor and dentist stuff is more of a precautionary thing,.. one of the times that came up she mentioned that she felt like we'd end up getting married, but she was terrified to lose me due to an unknown health problem. again, her anxiety, plus her experiences with her families medical problems(her mother was a cancer survivor), and her knowledge of my families history(its not often that a male in my fathers bloodline has lived past his 50's..) just really really bothered her. like i said i thought i had calmed her down about it, but apparently not. one thing i should have taken more account of was she let me look through her diary one time, and i found where she had written about my health concerns. (or lack of concern, rather). it said things like "can't you just do this 1 thing for me? don't i mean enough?". yeah.. it hurt when i read it, and i talked to her immediately about it,. but it gradually slipped my mind/got shuffled to a backburner... of course today i feel terrible about that but for now ill have to ignore that/live with it because its not the number 1 priority here.

 

i dont think she was wondering about being with anyone polished or suave as you put it. she made it quite clear to me throughout her relationship that she prefers .. how do i say this... well... men! i honestly dont feel it was too much for her to ask that i make an effort to pull myself together occasionally though. i wasnt offended in the least when she made the remarks. i mean,.. my favorite jeans had a rip in the knee, and ive lost weight since buying them so they were baggy on me. even i could tell they werent the pinnacle of fashion,.. they were just comfortable!

 

but in the end, these are just the things that *i* could have done better. theres no sense moping over them now. if things work out with us i can always make all this right at any time. but i want to emphasize that the reason she needed to break away was mostly to reconnect with her friends, enjoy time to herself, and devote herself to finishing her degree with as little distraction as possible.

[keenan]

her anxiety causes her to take things that to most people are not a huge reason for concern and blow them way out of proportion. for my birthday, one of the gifts she bought me was a carbon monoxide detector. yeah,.. you see what i mean

 

 

ok, you win. she really is a worrier. but...it also sounds like her heart is in the right place. yours obviously is as well. i wish the two of you all the best, together if possible, and as individuals if not.

[regoms]

ok, you win. she really is a worrier. but...it also sounds like her heart is in the right place. yours obviously is as well. i wish the two of you all the best, together if possible, and as individuals if not.

 

lol, thanks!

[regoms]

here's an update on my situation..

 

i cut back on emails. i had been planning on emailing her to show her my glasses when i got them, but i decided not to. i think it was last tuesday or so when i last emailed her.

 

well,.. sure enough,.. i checked my email last night and she had emailed me to tell me she saw the picture i posted of my "new face" on myspace and that she thought they look good on me. i didn't respond. it feels great to know she's still thinking of me, and checking up on me, and even though it kinda feels like a head game, it feels good to know that maybe now she is the one wondering where I went, and what im up to, and when I'm going to respond.

 

Thanks everyone things may work out after all!

[keenan]

agreed ~ it's nice to be on the good side of the "wondering" game.

[regoms]

well im back,.. its almost midnight and im really missing her right now.. im not sure why.. maybe its the sudden cold weather in my area. im not gonna write to her but damn if i dont want to.

 

i thought i was ready for this but maybe im still the one wondering about things. ah welll

 

and im back to thinking about valentines day again.. i know it shouldnt even be a though in my head but its hard with all the commercials and advertisements. what i wouldnt give just to have a nice dinner with her and talk about the past month. i have so much i want to tell her and so much i want to ask her

 

 

[keenan]

i know. i'm sorry this is so hard.

 

ride the wave...it will pass (and another will come along...but they'll get smaller over time).

[regoms]

ok,.. more advice needed.

 

She emailed me again, and im dying to write back. this is the second unprovoked email she's sent and it seems to me she truly does want to be in touch.. what do i do? she brought up the fact that "i havent heard from you for a while" and "guess ill ttyl" (as opposed to "i *will* ttyl)

 

advice?

[truevox]

Sadly, Regoms, I don't have any advice to offer. I'm going through something similar myself (well, it seems similar to me). All I can say is I feel for you, and I hope we both find our way.

[regoms]

Sadly, Regoms, I don't have any advice to offer. I'm going through something similar myself (well, it seems similar to me). All I can say is I feel for you, and I hope we both find our way.

 

best of luck truevox.

 

anyone have any advice?

[keenan]

i'm not very good at this, either. she's reaching out to you just a tiny bit to make sure you're still there. you have to decide if you're willing to serve as her training wheels as she adjusts to single life.

 

many people here will tell you to stop all contact with her. that's probably the right thing. she's wanting to hold on to the comforts and security of having you as a friend, and feel less guilty about breaking it off. you're vulnerable to it b/c you want her back so much.

 

if you opt NOT to do that, it will be a matter of trying to find that very fine line between letting her know that you're there in case she decides that she made a mistake (very unlikely, i'm afraid)...and being a jack-in-the-box who pops up everytime she goes looking for you.

 

i'd say either ignore it, or wait at least two days and respond VERY BRIEF and POSITIVE little note that doesn't disclose a lot of information about what you've been up to ~ something like, 'hey there...sorry it's been awhile; things have been really busy around here. hectic, but fun. hope you're doing well! ttyl.'

 

that lets her know that you're around, but not moping, and may pique her interest just a tiny bit.

 

i dunno. i hate the 'mind game' aspect of it. maybe others will offer more.

[regoms]

thanks for the advice.

 

is the outlook any better considering she made it very clear that it was a "break" and not a "break up"?.. you know,.. told me to keep her keys and all,..?

 

i mean,.. ive had my doubts about it as well, of course, but after the great relationship we've had i just can't believe that she'd blatantly lie to me about something this big. like i said.. id be having a much easier time with this if she made it clear that it was over, but that was far from the case. im not sure if you've read my initial post in this thread(i realize it was long and rambling), but we didn't break over any type of strife in the relationship,.. it was mainly due to her needing to get personal things settled in her own life and to have time to focus on herself and her classes.

 

is it really that hopeless for a couple to make a comeback from even a break?

[lifestream]

Honest to god, all I wanted was a break at one point to get my head on straight, to re-evaluate ME and what I wanted. But I wasn't given the chance and felt like I made a rash decision when I was pushed into a corner.

 

I think it's possible to mend almost anything with the right perspective and attitude on both sides. I have a quote for times like this.

 

"It is easy to go down into Hell; night and day, the gates of dark Death stand wide; but to climb back again, to retrace one's steps to the upper air - there's the rub, the task." - Vergil (Aeneid)

 

You cannot do this alone, but you must be supportive. Tell you understand things from her perspective. I don't know what you can say beyond that. I think she should show the initiative first. But all you can do is be there not as a lover, but as a friend. Perhaps the two will fuse together again.