Love goes on and on....

[honeyspur]

It has been awhile, but the relationship with my brother has gone on hold. He was due to come over one day and my other brother was going to come with him. Instead what ended up happening was a lot of d isrespect, shouting and eventually violence . But not at my house , fortunately. A t his mother's house. This resulted in him going to jail, spending some time in there, then getting bailed out. His first time in jail. That sounds bad enough, but in fact, it gets worse. Because of the protective order, he didn't have anywhere to go once out. He couldn't even see his mom. So she ends up calling my dad to try and take my brother in. But guess what?? My dad is currently not functioning. No car, no water or electricity. Barely any food. So she gives my dad her car, money , who knows what else and my brother is now in a new prison.

What happened after that was a lot of crap - hearing about my past in full color from my step-mom and hearing denial and disconnect on her part in just how serious things were. It would have sent me on another painful emotional rollercoaster, but I guess it is good that I am too spent from the last one and managed to stay out of the drama entirel y afterwards. I just shifted my focus to positive things, my work at the food bank and fitness. Started eating m ore fresh and raw food and getting my interests back up and running. I haven't heard or seen anything of my brothers and it is sd to get so close to something and have it vanish literally overnight - but maybe things will change with him. Maybe my dad and him wi ll be able to help each other.

"Do you really believe that though?" my friend asked with a raised eyebrow when we were discussing it. "Does that seem likely?"

"No." I admitted "but maybe! I don't know - maybe, right?"

If people don't believe you can be better...it can really bog the motivation.....I don't want to be that kind of sister. My brother can change....he is just afraid to let go of these ideas and judgements. He's been carrying these around too - much longer than I realized . Years and years. Some of these ideas....he wants them to be true. That is where he is not tuned in to himself.

 

The winter lingers here. Today snow flashed in and out and it didn't go beyond 40 degrees.

" Well, w hat do you think? Spring or Winter?" a woman joked as we passed each other in the parking lot.

"I know! We can't decide can we?"

I don't mind it. To be honest, it is how I feel. Even though things are better, I still feel a bit chilled by all that's gone on and all I've been through. I still feel guilt and remorse but know I have to be there for myself and enjoy life. It is more and more fun and rewarding, but missing my love is dampening.

 

The warehouse that I volunteer at is expanding. More room - new equipment, more staff and more volunteers. It will be interesting to see how the dynamic changes there. So far, I see regulars more often and lately, trying new things. I've gotten to try just about every job there and I can tell, people around me are getting into the spirit.

It is the greatest thing to see a charity working and buzzing and then hearing everyone from your friend to the lady who does your nai ls praise the organization itself. Being a part of it is great - having my own projects get finished and seeing them immediately get put into use - there is nothing like it.

[honeyspur]

Now it is time for me to take a proactive approach to healing - now that I am dealing with my past abuse and neglect so directly. Perhaps this is what they meant when they say "when one door closes, another opens."

 

It is nice to find a community out there who dealt with what I did. I have avoided reaching out to that community and now realize I could have looked a long time ago. I think that I am also braver than I was too.

I am grateful to myself and feel connected to my protective side again. The side that was looking out for me and my goals - the side I sort of abandoned. Unlocking a puzzle, then seeing things fall into place - it frees up space in the mind - that's a great feeling.

[honeyspur]

In 2005 my life was sure different......

 

It's interesting to think about the effects of reading someone's journal in a short amount of time and then being in my position having written it over so many years, all the gaps in between and the changes I've experienced.

 

My true love and I separated a few times since my last entry. I went through a hellacious breakdown that came about sometime around the start of my musical career. For a long time i blamed that since I was so hyped up and had to overcome so much stage fright. Since I left that life and things continued to deteriorate, it is clearer and clearer to me that it was a lot more than my own personal work. The internet grew and a lot of strange occurances started to surface. Although i am proud of the work I did on a personal level and all the efforts I made to confront them head on - things did not improve to the extent that seems normal after so much work. I ended up getting pranked - it's the best term I can guess since I don't know why it happened - and have been trying to heal from that over the past year. I bought some gloves at a local garden nursery last spring and got a severe infection from whatever had been put inside of them. I was together with my BF and went to the doctor to fix it but it never fully healed. This has been a slow process trying to figure out why on earth this happened and why things have been so strange ever since.

 

My relationship had it's bright spots for the next year, but right before Valentine's Day they took a sharp turn for the worse. We separated again and I'm left trying to hang onto the positive outlook and experiences I have of him and my life of 20 years with him. Truthfully, despite knowing I can't accept that kind of treatment, I know there is more to a person, even one who can't be kind to me, than the arguments we suffered from.

When we got back together a year ago, I made a very concentrated effort to understand what caused me to argue and how to stop my end of it. When this started to work and I succeeded, I was extremely proud, feeling accomplished. Still recovering and finding my way from the breakdown, now 5 years ago, I had optimistic feelings that things were going to become incredible between us. Our loving habits toward each other were the same. Affection, saying "I love you", providing for each other and so on. I started to feel comfortable and trusting enough to start planning trips together, get back to being invested in our families, even hopefully flying out to visit my family with him for the first time so he could meet family members he'd never met.

 

But one thing became clear around the winter holidays and it was that he no longer confided in me, seemed frustrated by our habits for not going out much and doing less and less. He even began to express that this was my fault - or at least, that was the way I took it. As I got stronger, it came across to me that he did believe that I was or that I thought I was. And before I know it, we were fighting again, except I did my best not to let it go on for too long. No more fighting habits - no more arguing habits after working so hard - no thank you.

 

When we separated, I lost my will to push for him to come back. I couldn't shake a feeling that he had grown to dislike me, despite having worked so hard to regain my sanity, my courage and my confidence.

 

Of course I miss him - but I am astounded that learning how to not engage in shouting matches, take abuse personally, cry over angry words and understand my own value resulted in losing my true love AGAIN - especially at this time in my life. More mature than I've ever acted in life and more in touch with myself. I even understand how thinking of oneself in past tense is a false view to take since we naturally change.

 

So why have my feelings not changed? Because they never have. I really wonder what that is about. The behavior definitely changed. But the love and passion stands firm. It's getting to the point of being surreal.

 

In my early days with him, before I wrote anything here, when we would break apart, I would always move on in some way. I would think of him and wish things were different but go on my merry way - dating, trying to find relationships I would want to commit to. But something in the soul doesn't really take that on, I think. Why is it - with the freedom to separate, laws in place and even social acceptance in modern day - the heart and soul would rather it weren't so? we as a society certainly accept having several relationships and marriages - but the true being in us doesn't want it like that.

is it a biological aspect of the brain - the way we never fully separate from family? And why do we fight it instead of consciously learning how to treat the other person the way they want to be treated? And I mean that in an emotional sense - not material.

 

I thought as I went on through the years that writing here - while an appropriate site for what I write about - that maybe I'd done something wrong. But I know in my heart that everyone is trying to understand these very crucial things about love and romance. They rule us - our psyche, our direction in life. Even when we make a conscious effort to stay out of relationships or be casual in our love life - it's always something we notice, think about, reason in order to maintain.

 

Those early days of human existence.....the way the brain must have flourished! They way our bodies and intelligence must have grown when love became a biological catalyst! and yet we still throw it by the wayside, disrespect it, give up on it, sabotage it.....

 

I'm hoping we as a people learn to stay together. These days it's the one thing we DON'T do. What an achievement that would be!