The need to understand why

[renaissancewoman101]

Earlier today I posted a thread about me getting into an argument with my parents about finances and some other things. I guess I am posting this thread to try and guage why I do things the way I do it. I do know how to budget, that I need to get a decent job, that I shouldnt spend money the way I do, that I shouldnt this, that and the other thing.

 

And yet, I do everything that is WRONG. I constantly have problems keeping a budget. I am not aggressively looking for a full time job. I spend money in strange ways, and I ask my parents to help me always at the last minute, KNOWING that they will be mad at me and will yell and get upset with me.

 

It is like I know that the stove is hot and yet I still go and touch it time and time again.

 

I know I am pissing my parents off more and more and eventually they are going to tell me to PISS off, I think. It is as though I am challenging their limits, challenging them to pay attention to me, to "love" me, but I am going about it all wrong. I dont give them any reason to be proud of me. I am a burden to them like I am a burden to others.

 

We argue, we fight, they give me the money, lecture me, this and that. I get upset at myself, self-loathe, put the money away, spend a lot of it on strange things, and then the cycle starts over again and again and again.

 

It is as though I am going on this reckless journey to get my parents as well as people to hate me or dislike me.

 

Am I doing this because of my self-esteem issues? How do I stop it? It feels like an endless cycle of hate/criticism/self-loathing.

 

I know I hate myself and what I have become. I am like a little kid that never grew up. My brother grew up and became successful. I am still the little kid that needs my parents, whether in a good way or not.

 

Sometimes, I feel the only way I can get my parents to pay attention to me, is to be the "loser" I am. I didnt use to be this way, not when I was growing up. I was always the model kid who tried not to disobey mother, etc.

[TheRedQueen]

You might be a compulsive shopper.

 

What kind of "strange" things do you purchase? Also, how often?

[renaissancewoman101]

I mostly spend money on eating out, buying candy and chocolates. I also spend money on getting haircuts and stuff like that. I don't shop for clothes a lot, but misc stuff.

 

It is as though, if I have money, it burns a hole in my pocket and I have to spend it.

 

Me not working (although I start a part-time job on campus when school starts) is really what's killing me. But then when I was working full time in Wisconsin, I still had a hard time balancing things.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I answered your post on your other thread... at your age, you really need to get some counseling to understand why you behave this way... if your parents get sick of this and refuse to give you more money, this could be a real crisis for you, and you could end up homeless, like many people do...

 

please get some REAL counseling, not just advice... ask your parents to help with this, since they probably understand that you are at an age where if you are still dependent on parents, you need some help... if they decide to do some 'tough love' on you, you are out on your ear... don't push it that far, get some help first while it is available.

[renaissancewoman101]

I don't think I would end up homeless. I dont think my parents would ever let that happen to me. It wouldnt make them look good to their friends and family and my mother is big on looking good to friends and family.

 

I want to understand why I am the way I am, why I constantly want to test my parents' love for me. It is as though I WANT them to throw me out of their lives.

 

I dont know.

[Dako]

Ren,

 

You're a very bright woman who could get a job in a few days with your skills at English, teaching and your personality. In your town, just speaking English, showing up on time and smelling good put you ahead of the pack.

 

You'd enjoy working again.

 

Maybe you do see a dependance on your parents as way to be loved, but they'd love and torment you like all parents do, whether you're broke or not.

[TheRedQueen]

Ren, therapy helps.

 

It is not healthy for one to hate themself, in fact, it is incredibly toxic.

 

A life spent hating oneself = a life spent in misery

 

A life spent loving oneself = a life spent in relative happiness

 

So that being said, which would you prefer?

[renaissancewoman101]

Right now school starts on Monday and I am hoping that will help me take some of the edge of my problems. I just don't understand why I am so afraid to find a full-time, along with school. When I was living in Wisconsin, I worked part time through college and worked full time until I moved out here. It is as though moving out here disrupted my life to the point that I am afraid to do things. Just going back to school was a tough thing to do.

 

I am not trying to make excuses, just trying to understand why I am the way I am.

 

It is not as though I am dumb or incapacitated. I am smart and active, but I seem to do things that sabotage my life.

 

I know it has to do with my personal view on myself and my relationship with my parents.

 

I also know therapy would help, but I am afraid of turning the microscope on my own life. I am one of those people who would rather be there for others, be nice to others, sacrifice to make people happy, THAN to study my own shortcomings and pithy life.

[Dako]

A life unexamined....

 

Ren,

It's no good to enter therapy without the courage to face yourself.

You seem to do it here, so why not with a therapist?

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

Have you consider about hypnotherapy to rectify your self-destrutive behaviour?

[renaissancewoman101]

What is hypnotherapy?

[itsallgrand]

I also know therapy would help, but I am afraid of turning the microscope on my own life. I am one of those people who would rather be there for others, be nice to others, sacrifice to make people happy, THAN to study my own shortcomings and pithy life.

 

I think that is all of us to one degree or another! It is tough to look at ourselves and see something other than lovely.

Really, really tough.

 

Since you don't perceive a crisis in-the-making to motivate you, it is even tougher.

 

I do see this as a crisis though, as urgent as homelessness. (Nobody ever really thinks it will be them who is homeless, but...I know I came really close. And I'm no dummy).

 

The crisis is your sense of self worth. You gotta dig deep and find that part that believes you are worth it...or at least, like I did, be desperate enough to suspend your believe in being totally not worth the effort in order to try for something less hurtful.

[Dako]

Grandy is so right.

If you put that feeling of worthlessness on the shelf for just 5 hours a day, things start to look brighter. I often think that's why many people enjoy outdoor exercise and hobbies, because it gives them a break from dwelling on their negative thoughts. The endorphins are just a bonus. I tend to mope and feel useless unles I keep moving.

[Kalika]

Ren -

It seems as though you need to stop depending on your parents.. Haircuts and highlights fade away and need to be redone.. If you were able to find a measure of independence from your parents, that confidence will last. It seems as though you're trying to fill yourself up with "things" instead of learning how to be happy without them. The only thing you can do is just ... stop. Look at yourself and appreciate who you are without the stuff. And then do your best to work out a budget and stick to it. You are worth it.

[renaissancewoman101]

I use stuff like haircuts, spending money, treating people nice, as a way to make myself feel better and feel good about myself. My mom is very critical about the way I am and the way I look.

 

I don't have a lot of self-esteem. Sometimes, I feel that I loathe myself and what I have become.

[Juliana]

I honestly think that every step away from your parents feels threatening to you, because you were never given an opportunity to feel even adequate, and capable. You get all that from helping others, but helping yourself, going out and living your life, probably sets your nerves shrieking all those terrible things that have been said to you over the years. So you overspend and don't budget because that keeps you tied to mom and dad, and prevents you from having to go out and risk finding out...they were wrong about you -- you are capable.

 

When we only have a tiny bit of love, and a tiny bit of self-esteem, and it relies people who constantly undermine us, independence seems impossible. But it isn't. One step at a time, Ren.

[ultraviolet]

Ren, I'm a fellow shopaholic and I think it's really simple to understand why we shop. You don't "treat" yourself because you secretly have some need to have your self-esteem lowered when you have to ask your parents for more money. You "treat" yourself, because shopping makes you feel happy and helps to temporarily fill up the deep hunger to be loved and cherished. Shopping also helps us to buy the things we feel might just "fix" us (haircuts, makeup etc.) and make us more attractive ("worth loving") to others.

 

Unfortunately the shopping is hurting you because it traps you in this vicious cycle where you buy things to feel better, but then you feel bad because you have to ask your parents for more money in order to keep feeling good.

 

In reality there's nothing wrong with us that shopping can solve, because the problem isn't materialistic, it's a problem of self-worth. We know this and yet and we try to fill the emptiness with "things" because it's an easy, fun way to feel good when what we really want and need is the love, nurturing, and

understanding we didn't receive as children.

 

I believe you have the intelligence and insight to solve this problem if you really want to. The question is "What can you do to truly feel loved, validated, nurtured, and good about yourself without spending money?"