Broke 3 mo NC, feel like puking

[longhaircats]

I just made a bad bad mistake to call my ex boyfriend.

 

It was his birthday last week, and I was in the same town where he lives, but I did manage not to call him, thanks to my friends' support. I've been doing fairly well and moving on with my life.

 

I kinda got stood up by my date tonight, and I felt so invisible and insignificant. I tried to call my friends to talk, but I couldn't get hold of any of them. A moment of weakness got me, I dialed my ex's number.

 

ex: Hello

me: hey, it's me, XXXX

ex: what's up

me: I'ts a bit late, but I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday

ex: thank you. How have you been?

me: the same, hang in there

ex: good.

me: how about you?

ex: not bad. I'm quite happy

me: good. the weather here is quite depressing

ex: it's very cold here

me: I was there last week

ex: Really? I didn't even know

me: cause I didn't tell you

ex: of course

me: are you angry with me?

ex: no, not at all

 

then I heard a woman's voice, and then he said he gotta go.

 

And that's it!! I just feel so afweful. I just want to die.

 

I said I was doing fairly well, because I've been dating a new guy for over a month, and he came to US to visit me while I was there for holiday. I started to really like him after the trip, cause we had such a great time together. It was romantic, and fun. We are supporsed to meet on Wednesday (two days) ago, but he canceled on me at the last minutes over text since he got a sore throut, and I didn't hear from him since, although I called him and sent him few text. So I called him today, and he told me he has been sick. I asked him what he's doing tonight, then he said he was thinking to go to a gym, but maybe we could meet up afterwards for drinks. I told him to call me after the gym, and he said he will call me after work. It's 10:45pm and I haven't heard from him. I left a voice message, but I just felt so frustrated that and hurt.

 

Then stupid me ended up calling my ex. What the heck was I thinking to call my ex. I just got hurt again and again. Why am I doing this?

[afonselaca]

Oh, that's tough to go through. You had no way of knowing your ex would be with another woman or the new date would not keep his word. It is terrible to hurt so badly but now you know you must move on definitely from the ex and possibly from the new guy. If he is giving you the run around then maybe you should pull back and regroup. You could use a bit of time to heal I would say. I'm sorry all this happened to you

[HDD]

that is one of the reasons i am NOT calling my ex becuase I do not want to even think about him trying to meet other girls. I know eventually some day he will but right now, I cannot handle it on top of everything that I have to deal with. So, NC is the best way to get him out of my system.

I am sorry to hear that the conversation with your ex was so abrupt and painful. Now you know not to call him anymore, ever! If he needs to talk to you or say Hi, let him be the first to call. You deserve much better sweetie. And this new guy doesnt seem like he is worht your time. You need to focus on yourself now and only date someone who would LOVE to spend time with you and doesnt pick the gym instead of you. I am +ve you are NOT invisible or insignificant!!! You have so much potential to meet the right guy, but along the way, we need to meet the wrong ones so when we do find Mr. Right, its just magical!

[longhaircats]

Thank you guys for quick responce. It's been 7 months since my ex broke up with me, and I've been trying so hard to move on, but I guess it will take more time to heal.

 

It was quite clear that my ex has moved on, so may be it was a good thing for me. A part of me always had a doubt about NC. A part of me still believed that he loves me. He always told me how special I was and how much he loved me. When I initiated NC, he send me email saying that he was hurt that I am not going to talk to him any more, because we used to be the best friends. Sorry I am just rambling, but I just wanted to get it out of my chest.

[friscodj]

Well, I have two thoughts here:

 

1) The call to your ex and the resulting feelings might very well be exactly what you need to turn a corner with that healing process. Sometimes a good kick in the you-know-where is what we need to get going straight again. It sounds like that happened and once you get over that, I bet you will think twice about doing it again or better yet, even wanting to do it again.

 

2) I don't think you are ready to be dating right now. Why? Because look what happened. Something bad happens in the current relationship and where did you go? Back to your ex which clearly says to me that is still your default place to turn when emotional crisis happens. And when you did so, you were very much emotionally shaken up. These are the key indicators of not being fully healed and "moved on" from the relationship with your ex. And this leads to increased sensitivity in your current relationship as well, as evidenced by your frustration and pain with a relatively minor point with the lack of phone call from your current guy.

 

But you're in the relationship already so the best you can do at this point I'd say is keep trying to truly get past your attachment to your ex while trying to keep this new relationship progressing. And remember to be fair to this new guy and yourself in the process too.

[longhaircats]

friscodj,

 

You are right about me not moving on completely. I was always telling myself that "I need to move on, it's been 7 months, I should be moving on" and I wasn't allowing myself enough time to heal. I just realized that now. I was panicked first, but surprisingly I did not regret I called him. Perhaps I needed a closure. We had a bad breakup. Knowing that he's moved on made me realized that it's really over. 3 months ago I could not bear the thoughts of him being with someone else, but I came to the point where I just want him to be happy. He had a rough childhood and he doesn’t have family to support him, so I still want to be there for him if he needs me, even as a friend. I wanted to tell him that, though I didn't have a chance to tell him. I’m happy to know that he is happy.

 

Now about the new guy, he also came out of a relationship fairly recently. He told me that him and his ex girlfriend moved too fast and she ended up getting back to her ex after 6 months of intensive dating and he got really hurt, so he wants to take it slow this time. I really like this man as a parson and it hurts me to lose him now. I know I am over reacting. What shall I do now? Do I still have a chance with him?

[friscodj]

Of course you still have a chance with him and you are heading in the right direction. This perceived "mistake" you made by calling your ex was positive in the sense it gave you the closure that you needed to continue to separate yourself from him, the situation with him, i.e., the bad break up, etc., and in turn make yourself more available to this new guy. That is key...

 

Now, do you have any other unfinished business with him? Anything you feel you need to get off your chest, need to express, anything that could potentially fester inside and ultimately ruin this new relationship? Anything that you could potentially take out on your new guy that stemmed from the old relationship? Take some time with those questions because they are important...

 

And you can use this insight into your own past relationship and healing process in your current relationship as well. Should topics and/or problems arise in your new relationship, you can better pinpoint reasons for such related to his past issues with his ex, understand them, and ultimately work through such situations together.

 

Don't get down on yourself and beat yourself up. You're doing the best you can in your given situation which is all anyone can ask of themselves. I wish I had such resolve in some of my past relationships...

[blender]

It's okay, you had an "emotional setback" a small one, it doesn't matter that you called him, UNLESS YOU CHOOSE to give it so mucn importance, instead, just chalk it up to another "lesson learned" and move past it, it's okay, trust that he's probably not even thinking about it, and you were fine during the conversation, sweet, and it's not like you begged him to stay on the phone, you didn't start crying, you were fine, polite, and friendly.. Feel good about youself, and don't worry about him.. YOU ARE GOING TO BE FINE, EVEN BETTER.. the best is AHEAD OF YOU, not behind you... let it go.. be happy, you deserve it.. he's history.. your future is YOURS...

[longhaircats]

Thank you guys, I really needed to hear that I am doing okay.

 

I want to tell my ex what I said earlier, and that would be the only unfinished business from my side, but I am not sure if I should be bothered telling him that. I don't know.

 

I am overly sensitive about the new guy not calling me, because of my ex. My ex disappeared 3 weeks after we started dating, because he got scared and decided to leave me before getting hurt by me. He did it 6 month later, and 1 year later. I freak out when the new guy does not reply my text or phone calls. This happened once or twice before the trip, but he still put an effort and money to come to visit me, and I became more interested in him because of this. Now he does not seem keen on seeing me. I don't know what's going on, and I can't help worrying because of my past experiences with ex. I worried if I talked to much about my ex to him (he hardly ever talk about his ex) or I did something wrong etc. I just don't have a confidence in me like I used to.

[friscodj]

I want to tell my ex what I said earlier, and that would be the only unfinished business from my side, but I am not sure if I should be bothered telling him that. I don't know.

 

Do it. Do it for you and for the sake of your liberation. An email or letter would be fine I think.

 

I am overly sensitive about the new guy not calling me, because of my ex. My ex disappeared 3 weeks after we started dating, because he got scared and decided to leave me before getting hurt by me. He did it 6 month later, and 1 year later. I freak out when the new guy does not reply my text or phone calls. This happened once or twice before the trip, but he still put an effort and money to come to visit me, and I became more interested in him because of this. Now he does not seem keen on seeing me. I don't know what's going on, and I can't help worrying because of my past experiences with ex. I worried if I talked to much about my ex to him (he hardly ever talk about his ex) or I did something wrong etc. I just don't have a confidence in me like I used to.

 

The key here is that you recognize this. That is huge. Now you can apply your logic and judgment towards similar situations in the future and work towards solutions vs. being confused as to what is going on and why regarding your feelings.

 

If this is a problem, the situation with your ex, I would talk to your current guy about it. In an indirect way, this will be a good test of what you have together as well. The lack of confidence is understandable and OK. Just punch through that and do it. I would do this sooner than later given what you wrote about his perceived lack of interest. Get to the bottom of this and find the truth of the relationship and realize, no matter what happens, you will be fine and there is nothing wrong with you. You're doing good.

[longhaircats]

friscodj,

 

Thank you for your encouragement. I will send my ex an email and tell him that I am happy that he is happy. I will do this for "me" and I think I will be fine.

 

I sort of motioned this new guy already that his not replying to my text or phone calls got me worried when we talked on a phone this morning. I told him that I worried if I teased him too much about his gray hairs since he didn't return my calls and he laughed, and told me that he wasn't just feeling well. But if he is fine enough to going to a gym, what the reasons not returning my calls? I suggested I cook for him this weekend, and he said "that would be very nice." Could you tell me if I am still over reacting? I should stop calling him and wait and see what happens, right? If he ever calls me again, I will tell him my issues with ex, because I cannot handle the situation very well.

[renaissancewoman101]

If he calls again, I wouldn't tell him about the issues with your ex. Then he is going to think you have baggage and that may cause him to run. You guys are still in the initial stages of dating where things should be fun, exciting and happy. No need to burden him with your insecurities. Just take it slow, be happy, and realize that he is NOT your ex and relax.

[longhaircats]

renaissancewoman,

 

Thanks for your reply and you got a point. I need to work on my insecurity. And you are right, he is not my ex. I need to learn to be patient. It's almost 3am now, I should go to sleep!

 

Thanks again for all of you who replied to me so quickly! I am much calm now thanks to all of you.

 

Love,

 

longhaircats

[Lady Bugg]

LHC...

 

I wouldn;t write him off just yet. if he consistently flakes on you...then YES, by all means. Right now is still the early stages, and if you freak on him NOW

he will most likely retreat further. Stay calm cool and collective......I would suggest waiting a week (at most) to see if he will contact you. Men are different than women when it comes to calling...three days to them is like two weeks to us. The book Mars and Venus on a Date is a great book, that you might want to read about the stages men and women go through with dating. it might help you understand him better. In fact..I suggest you reading that book rather than calling him.....

 

Good luck!!

[friscodj]

Send the email, that's a good idea I think and you have a good perspective on doing it.

 

This situation and your issues regarding your ex are not going to vanish overnight. It will take time and you are definitely on the right track with everything.

 

As far as the situation with your new guy. Give it the weekend and see what happens. I think some type of talk would be good, just to figure out what's going on for your own comfort.

 

And come or go with the new relationship, it served a very important purpose to alert you to and motivate you to take steps to truly get past the relationship with your ex and bring you wisdom and understanding of yourself and your emotions in the process. Is it necessarily over with? No, but if it does end, take some time for yourself away from relationships, and enjoy the resulting freedom after the grief passes.

 

Essentially, either way, come or go with the new relationship, you'll be fine.

[blender]

I personally think that there is no reason to send the ex an email.. I kinda have a rule, if the ex is NOT asking what you are feeling, or what you think, then there is no reason to tell them. Your feelings are YOURS.. and if the ex is not making an effort to intentionally ask you..then do not honor them with your energy.. your closure can only come from YOU.. and that means letting go... and moving on.. no contact.

[Juliana]

Yeah, I wouldn't send the email either. The ex's I'm friends with pretty much ignored all that stuff from me, and good thing too, as those were relationship-ending gestures, when what we were doing was actually changing the relationship into something else.

 

Imagine if there could be a time when all that was left between you and your ex were good feelings of support and friendship. Would you send an actual friend, a friend you have right now, that kind of email? Even telling him about your sadness and your attempts to move on and hoping he's moved on -- all that is still part of the romantic relationship. It's all based on the past, and what you were. Too much "emotional volume" for a friendship.

 

If you do like this guy, and genuinely wish him well, can you hold onto those feelings of wishing him well and supporting his health and happiness while you continue to heal from the end of the romantic relationship? You don't have to get into regular contact with him until you feel okay with that. Right now is still too soon, obviously. You're still in the healing process; don't try to rush it to closure by making gestures.

[friscodj]

The point here is that she really feels she needs to say this to him, for her own sake. As long as the contact ends here until she is more grounded in her emotions regarding this situation, it can only help her.

 

It is one email with no expectations for a reply attached. She has nothing to lose. She sends it and she will either feel relieved by getting what she feels needs to be said or secretly disappointed that it did not change the situation. In the latter case, this slap in the face might be even more closure here. At any rate, she can do nothing, continue being weighed down by this, and spend emotional energy wondering about sending it in the future when she could be better spending that emotional energy in her current situation.

 

You don't want to her to send it but she wants her to send it, and given that was her only answer to what could possibly be unfinished business with her ex, I wholeheartedly say send the things already. I really think it will help her reach peace with this situation faster. I've done both, send things like that and not in similar situations and experience has told me it is the way to go.

 

As long as the contact ends there for a time, there is nothing to lose.

 

Her only response to:

 

Now, do you have any other unfinished business with him? Anything you feel you need to get off your chest, need to express, anything that could potentially fester inside and ultimately ruin this new relationship? Anything that you could potentially take out on your new guy that stemmed from the old relationship? Take some time with those questions because they are important...

 

Was that she wanted to express these things to him and she even suggested the email. I think this is a very important question. In light of her answer, send it already and finish up the business.

[Juliana]

"I want to tell my ex what I said earlier, and that would be the only unfinished business from my side, but I am not sure if I should be bothered telling him that. I don't know."

 

It did sound to me like she was sitting on the fence. I personally don't think there's much use in sending emails or letters or making last calls, especially when we are simply trying to "find closure." My experience has been that we can't arrange for closure, and given that he has expressed a desire for friendship down the road, and she has good feelings towards him inspite of the breakup, I gave my advice based on the idea that they could have a friendship -- when her feelings have settled. I don't think sending him a letter will do that for her, I think that is something she will come to herself. There is something to lose here; his friendship.

 

I don't "want" her to do anything. I give advice the same way you do, based on my experiences.

[friscodj]

He had a rough childhood and he doesn’t have family to support him, so I still want to be there for him if he needs me, even as a friend. I wanted to tell him that, though I didn't have a chance to tell him.

 

This is what she wants to tell him in the email. What's wrong with this and how will this cause a loss of friendship down the line?

[blender]

Because in "frienship" you need respect, and self respect. It's important for her to realize that if HE wants someone else, (her, as a lover or a friend) to be "there" for him, he must first be there for HIMSELF.

 

He is an adult, and if his family life from childhood till now has been rough, then it's up to HIM to seek some therapy, so he can learn within himself to make a choice to receive loyal, healthy, mature, committed love, which he can then make a loving effort to do the same for her.

 

Right now, it doesn't "seem" by through his choices of behavior, that HE is wanting to make a change, to look at himself, to heal, to grow, to respect, to learn, to "be there" for himself and others. SHE can not provide for HIM, what HE is NOT willing to do for himself.

 

And right now the most healng powerful thing for her to do is to be "there" for HERSELF, set some boundaried, values, and standards for her own heart, wanting resiprocal respect, love and care. By choosing this standard for HER OWN HEART, he will then see that is then the "real healthy way" of "being there" for yourself and for someone else.

 

When we "lose a sense of our own self" in trying to "build up another person"... then we are building that "love" on quicksand... it will cave eventually because there is no "personal standard/value" set from the beginning on the difference between what is "real, authentic, healthy, mature love" and what is "needy" love. There is a very big difference.

[Juliana]

That..., and, when I've gone on to have friendships, it's because I was able to step into that relationship, and deal with the emotions of the breakup (my emotions) myself. I didn't go to the guy and have all these "last conversations," or try to get "closure." I tried to build on the positive emotions that were still there, to help a friendship come to life. Sometimes I'd call them up and ask them how they were, and how there new relationship was going, or whathaveyou, and it was understood that there were feelings there....but it wasn't necessary to drag it all out and talk about it. If you make the whole relationship about the dead romance, then very soon, you have a dead relationship.

 

Just my experience. Yours is equally relevant. And neither may apply in this particular situation.

[cecerose]

Hey hang in there...

 

I made the same kind of mistake recently, breaking NC before I ready.

 

And I'm sitting here, feeling miserable and lonely, hoping he'll call.

 

Bleh.

[christy1002]

I've broken NC before....always feel worse....all we can do is start with a NEW DAY of NC! Best wishes!

[friscodj]

His action and his place in this is completely irrelevant. I asked her a very important question is what she really feels to be holding her back here. She said she wanted to communicate essentially one line of information to him. Not a multi-page dissection of her feelings or the situation, not a love letter, not something which otherwise puts herself on the line or makes her vulnerable, but a simple, "If you ever need anything, I'll be here." I have both said and heard those words many times before and really the only ultimate impact on the situation was to smooth over the break up so as to reach peace with the situation more quickly.

 

Now if he was pining for her, I would say probably not send it and risk exacerbating the situation. But here, he sounds to be moved on and maybe even with someone else. I've been in this situation on both sides and I really don't think sending this email is going to mean a fraction of what it will mean to her to him or change the symbiosis between them.

 

That communication isn't going to matter to him I don't think but it will matter to her knowing it means so much to her. If he wants to talk to her for whatever reason, he will do so if she sends such an email or not. She's not losing herself in this, she has one thing she both wanted to say and wants to say to him so she can feel better about the break up. It doesn't go any deeper than that I don't think.

 

Just do it. The only effect it will have is to bring you closer to an inner peace with yourself I think so you can look back at some point and feel good, for you, about how you left your side of things. That is the depth of this I think and is being made too much of here.