Love him, but he doesn't love me.

[apparentlynotalone]

This is a very tough topic to write about for me. I'm just going to state my situation bluntly; it hurts to go into too much detail.

 

I love my boyfriend but he does not love me. I care for him much deeper than he does for me. Most would ask, "Why stay with someone like this?" but I don't think you should love someone back just because they love you. I love who he is, how he makes me feel when I'm with him even when we're doing absolutely nothing. My life or day seems incomplete without him. I'd rather be hanging out with him than anyone else. No one makes me happier. We've been together for almost 2 years. He cares for me as a friend but not as a significant other. The thought of him being with someone else, especially in love with someone, rips me apart. It destroys me. I always think about what I can do for him to love me. Why & how could this be so painful. I am never giving anyone my all again. I always fantasize about what it would be like if we were in love together, but then I quickly shove those thoughts out of my head because it makes returning to reality a real kick in the face.

 

How do you fall out of love? Anyone words of advice would help. Thanks.

[Kalika]

If you want to fall out of love, first off you need to break up with him and go NC... Has he flat out said he's not in love with you?

[apparentlynotalone]

If you want to fall out of love, first off you need to break up with him and go NC... Has he flat out said he's not in love with you?

 

Holy whiskers, that was a fast reply. Thanks!

Yes, he has said that he doesn't love me on perhaps three occasions and each time the stab wound felt new to me.

 

Honestly, I don't have to the heart to break up with him. I have too much heart for him actually. God, I must sound like a blundering moron to be saying this. It's pathetic, I know.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i am a little confused... have you broken up with him, or is he trying to break up with you, or are you friends, while you still want more from him?

 

the bottom line though is that if he has openly stated that he does not want a relationship with you and is not in love with you, then you need to be good to yourself and move on and find someone who does love you back... one can't 'make' someone love you, becuase everyone's feelings are their own, but you can decide that you deserve someone who loves you, not someone you always have to try to 'convince' that you are worth loving... really not healthy for you, and you should try to go into no contact with him, if his friendship is keeping you from finding a full life and love with someone else.

 

one can't force oneself to fall out of love either, but you can love yourself enough to realize that you are putting yourself in a position for more and more hurt, rather than making a choice that you deserve happiness, even if it means temporary pain to move away from a relationship that is not fulfilling.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

one other thought... why is he going out of his way to say he DOESN'T love you, and is still with you? it really sounds like he is then using you, until he finds someone he likes better... or else he is potentially abusive, willing to use you, but at the same time saying words he knows will hurt you.

[annie24]

hi - I will be blunt... you should really leave him. I know you love him, but you have to remember, you are a great person and girlfriend, and you deserve nothing less than someone who loves you back. this man doesn't, and nothing you do for him will change that (except maybe walking away). I know from personal experience. there was a guy I was in love with for a long time, and we dated too. but he was so cold hearted to me, and the more i tried to be a good girlfriend to him, the more he dissed me. I put up with this for soooo long, thinking that if I just did more nice stuff for him, he would realize I was the woman of his dreams. I would bring him lunch, rub his back, call him when he was sick. What guy wouldn't love a gf like that? (him, apparently )

 

Eventually, I got fed up. my breaking point was when it was christmas vacation, and he never once wrote or e-mailed or called me, not even on christmas or new years! we had plans to go out, even decided which movie we would see, and I never heard from him and he didn't return any of my calls. It turned out, he went out of town and never even bothered to tell me! and when I asked why, he said it was a last minute trip. At this point, I just got angry. it was "last minute" so he NEVER had time during those 2 weeks and call and say "hey - by the way, I am out of town." I just finally realized, that when a guy is really into a woman, he makes the effort, calls her, asks her out, and makes sure she doesn't get fed up with his stupid behavior.

 

so I broke up with him! it was hard, I loved him, but I decided I loved me more. So, I moved on.....

 

....and 3 years later, he comes back, out of the blue, telling me that letting go of me was the BIGGEST mistake of his life, that I was the best gf he ever had, and that he wanted to make things work out and wanted to marry me. Too little, too late, I told him.

 

you deserve better, and I think you know that and that is why you are posting here. so do whatever it takes to walk away. go no contact, detach. who knows, maybe it will wake him up and he will shape up! or maybe he won't, and you'll meet someone who loves you back. either way, you will be in a better position because you will not be settling.

 

(((HUGS)))

[Enitsirk]

You don't deserve this. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but you need to let him go. You deserve someone who really loves you. It will hurt to let him go, but it will open up more doors for you. You can and will find someone who loves you like you deserve, but it means letting go of him. I know how hard this is. Read my thread in the divorce section, its horrible. I wouldn't wish my situation on anybody. He isn't going to just love you the way you need him too no matter what you do. It's like beating a dead horse. He is making his feelings for you very clear. Please please please don't let him use you like that.

[apparentlynotalone]

Thank you annie24 and BeStongBeHappy. Yes, I'm still with him but I do plan on talking about our relationship tomorrow. A little background info: he's 18, I'm 19. He's not abusive at all and he only tells me how he TRULY feels so I'm not deceived and living a lie. He's with me because we have fun together and have grown very close. He tells me he doesn't know what love is. From anyone. He doesn't even know if he loves his MOM. He's confused. I think I will stray towards annie24's suggestion of NC. I know, I need to love myself a lot more than I care about him. I know he does. But...it's hard damnit!

[apparentlynotalone]

Enitsirk,

 

I truly do believe every word you're saying and I think I can find someone to love me back. I just question myself if I'll ever love anyone the way I loved him. Sacrificed oh-so-much with pleasure for his happiness.

[apparentlynotalone]

PS: You guys are awesome. Even the people who think I'm a loser, lmao.

[annie24]

Thank you annie24 and BeStongBeHappy. Yes, I'm still with him but I do plan on talking about our relationship tomorrow. A little background info: he's 18, I'm 19. He's not abusive at all and he only tells me how he TRULY feels so I'm not deceived and living a lie. He's with me because we have fun together and have grown very close. He tells me he doesn't know what love is. From anyone. He doesn't even know if he loves his MOM. He's confused. I think I will stray towards annie24's suggestion of NC. I know, I need to love myself a lot more than I care about him. I know he does. But...it's hard damnit!

 

i have to say (and please no one get offended!) but a lot of guys at that age aren't looking for a serious relationship. they are more like, "kids in a candy shop", looking at all the women out there. that's the age my ex and I were. we were friends for several years and dated for part of that time. I think in 5 years (after he's dated lots of flakey women and had a lot of dating frustrations), he may realize that you were the best darned thing that ever happened to him, but don't sit around waiting for it! i think it's a lot more likely to happen if you walk away. when he is alone when he is sick and no one is feeding him chicken soup, he will realize what a great gf you were. but by then, you will probably be on a date with a hot new man.

[apparentlynotalone]

annie24, you are so very 'effin right. Honestly, like every word you said. I really think if I leave him, he will be the first one to break NC, however, I do have an annoying confession: I'll be waiting for him Someone slap me silly out of this trance!

[annie24]

annie24, you are so very 'effin right. Honestly, like every word you said. I really think if I leave him, he will be the first one to break NC, however, I do have an annoying confession: I'll be waiting for him Someone slap me silly out of this trance!

 

(((HUGS)))

 

you know, I think with some space and time, you will become more detached from him. do you know when my REAL breakthrough moment was? I was on that christmas vacation, and I was watching "Melrose Place." Some girl's boyfriend didn't call when he said he was going to, and she called him out on it. I realized at that moment - "hey - this guy has done a lot worse than not calling when he said he was going to? so why am I putting up with this!?!?" LOL. Never thought I would learn something from melrose, but I sure did!

 

a few months after that breakup, I did meet someone, and I liked him 10 times more than my ex. it didn't work out, but I did find someone I liked just as much, and a whole lot more. so I think it will happen for you too.

[terk2021]

First off, DO NOT beat yourself up. Let me share a story with you:

 

I was in a similar situation about 2.5 years ago. I was friends with someone for 5 years that I watched her go through boyfriend, to engaged, to marriage, to separated... During that time, we stopped hanging out for about the last year of her marriage before her separation. I was there for her when her separation started, and we began to date. Even as friends, I felt something more... We had a bond, a very strong bond. She called me out of the blue when she was separated, and we began to go out. Granted, her ex had been out of the picture for about 7 months, and it was a matter of paperwork being finalized. After 2 months of dating, one night I told her I loved her. Her response was not "I love you too"... Well, months of that went on. I fell more and more in love with her, and she got closer, but never love.

 

As painful as it was, I finally had to get enough courage together to part ways with her. The next 6 months of my life were so miserable. I felt I made the biggest mistake of my life. When our hearts have that much power over our minds, it takes control of us. No matter what friends, family, experts on this board, counselors, doctors, or just whomever has been through this has advice on what to do...

 

I thought I could never love someone as much as I loved her. I felt if I hung on, she would come around. Even some of her closest friends thought she loved me, but was just not ready to completely drop the guard and open herself up. Your boyfriend maybe fell in love in the past and got burned. He may open up tomorrow, he may never open up to love with you. The question you have to ask yourself is if it is truly worth it or not. You ultimately have to ask yourself if you are truly happy right now.

 

Based on what you have said so far, it sounds like you are very torn, and my guess is you are not really that happy. All of our thoughts and responses out here are primarily based on past experiences.

 

September 2004 through the 1st part of 2005 felt like the worst time in my life. I did not have her there, and thought I lost the world. Work, family friends... It all just did not matter. Well, by late February, early March of 2005, I started to find me again. I dated, had fun, started getting back to doing the things I enjoyed for myself, and in late May, I met what became my fiance by the end of 2005. Granted, that story did not end well, and I went through another heartache through breaking off my engagement. I have been picking up the pieces over the past 4-5 months.

 

Based on your limited posts, you sound like a very loving, committed, and giving person. Ultimately, you deserve better. I don't know your whole story, but you should determine just how much you can give, without receiving in return. You had a life before your boyfriend. I am sure it's hard to look back at that, or imagine moving forward without him, but you should really sit back and think about what you want deep down.

 

No one really has a right to tell you not to be with this person or not. But, if you want to be in a relationship where you give of yourself and show the love and devotion, you should be in a situation to receive it back. Only you probably know when that point is. When you reach it, you should move forward. Let him know what you want. If he is not ready for it, or to open up to you like you have to him, then take a break from the relationship. It's not "love me or I am gone", it's "take the time to figure out what you want, because I know what I want and that's you, but I cannot go on the way things are right now"...

 

You will find out then if he truly loves you or not, or if it's meant to be. I know this probably sounds like a scary proposition. Your not really giving him an ultimatum, you are just standing up for yourself.

 

I really do feel for what you are going through. It's tough, there is no question about it. I can't say I am the biggest fan of country music, but there is a song by Rascal Flatts: "God Blessed the Broken Road". It's very, very true. I hope you can find strength.

 

Continue to post. Most of us out here have been, or are going through very similar situations.

[Kalika]

Apparentlynotalone -

you should listen to Annie, she's giving you great advice.. I think after enough time has passed he should be sure whether or not he loves you, and if he isn't sure, that means there isn't much stopping him from just leaving you out of the blue. He's told you that he isn't sure he loves you or anyone for that matter.. do you honestly want a guy who "doesn't know what love is"?? I mean personally, finding a guy who knows nothing about love wouldn't be at the top of my list.

 

That being said, you need to love yourself before you can expect him to love you. That means having enough respect for yourself not to do damage to your ability to love. If you stop being able to love or trust people, that's hard to fix. Don't do that to yourself; it isn't worth it.

 

I don't like telling people what they should or shouldn't do, but I really honestly think you should salvage your esteem and your pride and walk away.

[Kalika]

As a side note, I noticed your avatar and I wanted to tell you that I once hung out with en esch for 3 hours, and he criticized my shoes. While he was wearing a skirt.

[apparentlynotalone]

Terk2021,

 

Your post meant so much to me. There was so much you said where I was just insanely nodding, lol. Unfortunately, I actually did NOT have much of a life before him but I know now I could easily have one full of dating and such. I know everyone does not fully understand our relationship; all they see right now is he doesn't love but you love him = dump him. But there's so much more. We care so much for each other, and he hasn't been burnt in the past, this is his first long term relationship. We are each other's first for everything. Perhaps that has a huge impact on why I feel this way.

 

No one really has a right to tell you not to be with this person or not. But, if you want to be in a relationship where you give of yourself and show the love and devotion, you should be in a situation to receive it back. Only you probably know when that point is. When you reach it, you should move forward. Let him know what you want. If he is not ready for it, or to open up to you like you have to him, then take a break from the relationship. It's not "love me or I am gone", it's "take the time to figure out what you want, because I know what I want and that's you, but I cannot go on the way things are right now"...

 

This could not be more true. Too true it hurts. I am going to propose a break to him. I must also add that right now is under ALOT of stress at school and he seems to me taking it out on me and putting a relationship aside for about a week. Is this childish and needy? The way he's been acting towards me the last week has actually been making me feel this way. In fact, I might be overreacting, but I do not want to overlook these feelings. If I do propose a break I'll just be looking forward to talking to him again or scared he will be content being alone rather than with me. I have alot to talk about with him. I will keep you all updated and I truly, deeply thank you for the responses everyone. It makes me feel not so alone after all.

[apparentlynotalone]

As a side note, I noticed your avatar and I wanted to tell you that I once hung out with en esch for 3 hours, and he criticized my shoes. While he was wearing a skirt.

 

Thanks Kalika for your advice. Like I said I will talk to him tomorrow and keep you updated =). That's awesome you got to hang out with En Esch! I met KMFDM after their concert and Sasha commented on how short I was (I'm 5"3damnit!), while Jules jokingly yelled at me for not being able to operate a camera properly. Even KMFDM crack jokes at me LOL.

[Kalika]

Thanks Kalika for your advice. Like I said I will talk to him tomorrow and keep you updated =). That's awesome you got to hang out with En Esch! I met KMFDM after their concert and Sasha commented on how short I was (I'm 5"3damnit!), while Jules jokingly yelled at me for not being able to operate a camera properly. Even KMFDM crack jokes at me LOL.

 

Yeah they're a lot of fun... En Esch had a drum machine and made a song about me on the spot. It was pretty nice actually. And he can really shake his {mod edit} on the floor! But that's a whooooole other story.

 

Anyways keep us posted and good luck to you!

[TheRedQueen]

A little background info: he's 18, I'm 19. He's not abusive at all and he only tells me how he TRULY feels so I'm not deceived and living a lie. He's with me because we have fun together and have grown very close. He tells me he doesn't know what love is. From anyone. He doesn't even know if he loves his MOM. He's confused. I think I will stray towards annie24's suggestion of NC. I know, I need to love myself a lot more than I care about him. I know he does. But...it's hard damnit!

Wow, this sounds exactly like the relationship I was in when I was 19.

 

I gave, I loved, I cherished, all of which he accepted, but never managed to give back. And to tell you the truth, I honestly think I fed off his constant rejection, wherein which each time my love was met with his emotional distance, the searing, throbbing pain I felt, get this... actually felt good.

[apparentlynotalone]

Wow, this sounds exactly like the relationship I was in when I was 19.

 

I gave, I loved, I cherished, all of which he accepted, but never managed to give back. And to tell you the truth, I honestly think I fed off his constant rejection, wherein which each time my love was met with his emotional distance, the searing, throbbing pain I felt, get this... actually felt good.

 

Ok...this is weird. I didn't actually expect anyone to hit this spot in my mind where sadness and anguish was actually someone I created for myself, partly because I wanted to. I find myself imagining situations where I get hurt and it fills a part of me. Sometimes I go out of my way to make myself unhappy to...be happy. Odd? Is this a disorder or something?

[TheRedQueen]

Ok...this is weird. I didn't actually expect anyone to hit this spot in my mind where sadness and anguish was actually someone I created for myself, partly because I wanted to. I find myself imagining situations where I get hurt and it fills a part of me. Sometimes I go out of my way to make myself unhappy to...be happy. Odd? Is this a disorder or something?

"Hi my name is TheRedQueen, and I'm a masochist."

[renaissancewoman101]

It sounds like you feel like you don't deserve the best and that all you can hope for is relationships that will hurt you, people that will leave you, etc. So, when you do find something that is good for you, a relationship that is good for you, you will do things to self-sabotage the relationship because you dont think you deserve the goodness of a healthy relationship. You are drawn to the chaos and turmoil of an unhealthy relationship, probably because you were rejected as a child by someone you cared about so, you dont think you deserve anything better than that.

 

Sorry for my run-on ramblings.

[TheRedQueen]

Ok...this is weird. I didn't actually expect anyone to hit this spot in my mind where sadness and anguish was actually someone I created for myself, partly because I wanted to. I find myself imagining situations where I get hurt and it fills a part of me. Sometimes I go out of my way to make myself unhappy to...be happy. Odd? Is this a disorder or something?

By any chance have you heard the NIN's song "Only"? If not, I highly recommend you download it immediately.

[annie24]

Wow, this sounds exactly like the relationship I was in when I was 19.

 

it sounds like a rite of passage.