Should I tell her?

[imsoinlovewithher]

This is probably going to be an unusual thread, but never mind!! I am best friends with a girl, but we both have feelings for eachother. We always make out and stuff when we're alone together and we've both said we couldn't live without eachother and have never cared this much about someone before.

 

Well, I am very insecure. I think I have "romantic anxiety" or "attachment anxiety". I've looked these up on the internet and it sounds very similar to how I feel a lot of the time.

 

I get jealous of her friends

I worry a lot about her leaving me

I feel really down when she feels down cos I feel I should be able to pull her out of it put I can't.

I feel down when she feels bored cos I feel like I shouldn't let her get bored.

 

My question is, should I tell her?

 

should I tell her the things I feel that i mentioned above?

 

Today she noticed I was a bit down (I was at the time cos we were bored and weren't talking and I felt like she wasn't bothered about me) and asked me what was wrong. She knows by now when im lying so tomorrow, when she asks about it again,

 

do I

 

(a) lie about it (again, i've lied a lot about why im feeling down cos ive never wanted to tell her any of this.

 

(b) tell her the truth (that i get jealous of her other friends, that im down when she's bored, that im insecure etc etc.)

 

What do you think?

 

She cares about me a lot, i know that for sure and I know I shouldn't be jealous and stuff but for some reason I am.

 

I also have the problem of not knowing where I stand with her, I dunno if she wants to be my girlfriend or not and Im guessing that can't help my insecurity. She says she doesn't want to talk about what we're doing.

 

So anyway, should I tell her?

[Hope75]

Why don't you just be honest with her?

 

Lying to her in order to "protect" her, isn't really helping either of you, because the problem isn't being addressed, and she may be creating reasons in her mind to explain your distance and sadness that are the exact opposite of what's really going on.

 

Part of being in a relationship with someone is accepting that person for who they are, 'flaws' and all. I doubt she expects you to be perfect, and you aren't doing her a favor by trying to be.

 

Tell her how you feel. Maybe she can help you work through it and find ways to feel more secure.

[sisterb]

i've been in relationships like that before. Often, as you, I felt as if I were weighing honesty against the possibility loss. Be honest with yourself first. Then you'll find you're naturally honest with others.

[imsoinlovewithher]

Thanks for your replies, so the general opinion is that I should be honest?

 

I guess you're right that if it's not being addressed, then it's not going to be solved. Anybody else think honestly is the way to go?

[tellmebaby]

being honest is..honestly...the best thing to do....lol. It will make you feel loads better, and it will help with future communications. It will prolly even open the door for you two to figure out where you stand, so there won't be the confusion.

although it does make it difficult and frustrating when she says she doesn't want to talk about whats going on between the both of you. I am sorta having that problem too and i don't know what to do about it either, so it makes things harder.

hmm i think that .....whenever she actually comes to you asking and wanting to know whats up with you, wanting to talk, those times would prolly be a good time to be honest, and a time to try and talk about other things.

[imsoinlovewithher]

yeah thanks, I've decided I'm going to talk to her tomorrow and tell her the truth. Hopefully it will make things easier, and I won't have to hide my emotions from her any more or lie. She's a great person so I'm sure she'll do nothing but help me through it.

Thanks for your input, it's really helped me decide to do what is probably right.

[IntoTheFire]

Generally in these situations it helps alot to ask yourself the general question:

 

"What would I say if she was the one saying this to me?"

 

and asking yourself that can generally answer your own question.

 

 

I know everyone is leaning in the direction of being honest here, but when I read your "symptoms" you listed my first thought was that it might be interpreted as co-dependancy. If it was me, I'd be a bit wary that someone might think I was being too dependant, too posessive etc etc.

 

Just ask yourself the "what would I say if..." thing, and that usually helps

[purple.eyes]

Being honest and telling her would pull the weight of your shoulders. Not telling her would put you down.

 

i think there are two ways that she can react

 

1. She can be touched by what you tell her, because she means so much to you that every little thing that she does affects you. She'll take it in a good way and maybe from that will "like you more"

 

or

 

2. She can feel scared because (like intothefire mentioned) she might think you are being posessive, obsessive over the things that she does, and dependant on her. She might take the "being jealous of friends" the wrong way and think something like, "what so cant i hang out with my other friends"

 

Think about how she might react? Is she an open and optimistic person or is she closed and pesimistic? Does she usually think about things positively or negatively ...

 

So i think you should think about the outcome and then.. decide on what to do

[blue-eyedspacemonkey]

I was in the same position as you with my best friend, I hidit for a long time, but in the end I had to tell her, it was driving me insane. We were close enough friends to move on and not be awkward, even though she didn't like me at the time. A few months later she sat me down and told me that she did like me. That was a year ago, and we're still together.

Honest is the best policy, even if nothing comes out of telling her how you feel, trust me, you will feel pile better, and I'm sure that, after four yrs, you are close enough friends to cope with this.

I hope all goes well for you today

xx

[imsoinlovewithher]

Well I told her a part of it today,

 

I told her that I'm insecure and that at certain points during the day at college, I get a bad feeling and I feel down. I told her I think what triggers my feeling down is when I know she is bored and I feel like I shouldn't let her get bored.

 

She seemed a bit confused by what I said and said that "that can't possibly be what triggers it"

 

She told me that the next time I'm feeling it, I have to tell her at the time and then we can work out what triggers it. Cos she really doesn't think that it's cos she's bored.

 

I didn't tell her the jealousy thing, cos like purple.eyes says I don't want her to think that I don't want her hanging round with other friends. Cos I do want her to have loads of friends and be really happy. That's all I want.

 

But I think today she made a lot of effort when maybe I seemed bored to make a joke or conversation or something. I don't want her to think she has to do that to stop me feeling down.

 

I'm seein her tonight and i think im going to tell her that I dont want her to act any differently because of what I said.

 

Does this sound like an ok thing to say?

 

Should I go ahead and tell her the whole truth and tell her about the jealousy thing?

 

Cos I've told half of it and it felt good talking to her about it, but I did still feel down and stuff today, but just not as much cos she was making an effort to keep me happy. I don't want her to have to do that!!

 

Even though I'm not lying to her, I still feel like I am cos im not telling her everything.

 

But the jealousy thing seems to be a huge hurdle and I don't want her to know.

 

If I told her at the time that it's happening when I feel down, I think she'll work out the jealous stuff cos it's often triggered by her talking to her other friends. I hate the fact that I feel jealous more than I hate the actual feeling!

 

Ah!!

 

So, should I tell her that I get jealous?

Or just keep going along with what I've told her now?

Am I lying to her technically?

Should I get it all out in the open?

Is there any way she can understand and help me?

[Lboogie23]

I have also been in your position. And have actually experienced a lot of those same feelings that you described. Not just with my girlfriend, but often even now with my fiance(who is a man).

 

Have you ever heard of co-dependency? The typical codependent is overly compensating, and usually needs someone elses feeling to know what they themselves are feeling, if that makes any sense to you. Also the way you feel like its kinda your job to keep your girlfriend in a happy mood, and keep things pleasant. I'm not an expert or anything. But i know what i have gone through, and it ended up being that i was a codependent. If i were you i would see what literature you could find about the subject, you may even find some on this site, in the articles section. You might find that you identify with this and it may help you to sort out your feelings and ultimatley feel better about yourself, including the insecurity issue which is also a big part of being codependent.

 

As far as your girlfriend, tell her what you have to. Meaning, if its consuming you to keep certain things in, you should tell her those things. She sounds like she cares a lot about you, and that shes trying to understand what you are going through. Good luck.(sorry this turned out to be so long)

[imsoinlovewithher]

Thanks Lboogie23, I have thought about that possibility and I will look that up. If it is that, is there a way of dealing with it? You say you have it with your fiance quite often, does he know about it?

 

sorry im asking questions but i really want to solve this!!

 

I will definitely see what books I can find and see if I can help myself.

 

I'm only thinking of telling her everything because she knows when something is wrong with me, even if it's only really small. And I hate lying to her. Or bending the truth, whatever.

 

I'm going to tell her not to act any different, I don't want to put her under pressure making her think she has to be different around me now.

[imsoinlovewithher]

I told her i feel down and hurt at some points during the day. she really wants to help me figure out what is wrong and told me to tell her when im feeling down.

if i do that, I think she'll work out that I get jealous. I really don't think i want her to know that.

ah

[imsoinlovewithher]

This whole thing has got so complicated somehow.

I really don't know what to do.

If I tell her i get jealous, i might lose her.

 

I should be the happiest person in the world because I have the most amazing person on the planet as a best friend and possibly more.

 

So why is this so hard to deal with?

[shellshocked]

Why do you think that you'll lose her if

you tell her you get jealous?

 

Jealousy's a feeling. Based on fear.

And ALL feelings are ok.

(do you think you would you lose her if you told her you felt sad?)

How we choose to act on these feelings

is where the trouble starts.

 

I've had discussions about jealousy with my lover.

And I always find that things turn out better when

we have open and honest communication.

(and it usually ends with her and i feeling even closer)

 

I know that it's hard to talk about certain feelings.

But, i think, that if you feel safe with her.

And you're just telling her how you feel.

And you're not trying to manipulate her/make her feel bad/

make her change her behavior...

It will bring your relationship closer.

 

And also it will make YOU feel better, because (from my experience)

the scenerio's that you make up in your mind are always

FAR worse than how things really are...

 

Good luck to you!

[imsoinlovewithher]

well I told her and she was great about it. Totally amazing. I feel loads better, im still insecure I think, but I feel loads better.

 

Now I wanna know what to do for valentines days lol

[blue-eyedspacemonkey]

That's great, am so happy for you!

The insecurity will pass, with time...

[imsoinlovewithher]

I really hope the insecurity does pass, how long will it be here for? I've felt it coming back lately, and that's not good.

 

ah

[blue-eyedspacemonkey]

It depends on the person I think, and circumstances. I am very insecure, but it faded once I was in a relationship. It comes back every now and then (especially when I've got PMS/PMT) but it doesn't last long.

[imsoinlovewithher]

do you think it could be being made worse by the fact that I don't know where I stand with her and I don't know if she wants a proper relationship or not?

 

Or would I still feel insecure anyway?

[blue-eyedspacemonkey]

That's a definate factor in your insecurity, you will feel on edge and generally uncomfortable, as you are constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop, for it to go one way or the other....

Are you insecure normally, around other people?

[imsoinlovewithher]

No I'm not insecure normally, I'm normally quite good with talking to people I don't know. I'm not insecure at all with every single one of my other friends. It's just her. Maybe cos she's the only one that I want a relationship with?

 

I'm not feeling great right now cos I've just come home and said bye to her and I'll be totally down by tonight if I don't hear from her. It bugs me so much that it can affect me like this. If she rings me or texts me in the next few hours, I'll feel great!

 

AAh sooo annoying. I don't even know why I feel down now, cos I feel like she's not bothered about seeing me?

 

aah im frustrated. Not knowing where I stand with her is definitely putting me on edge!!

[Cid]

Yes tell her you need to be open with her for this to work, and at the same time you need to trust her and her friends try to get to know them. That might help you get over the whole jealous thing.

[imsoinlovewithher]

I told her about a week ago that I am insecure and get jealous sometimes. She was really understanding and I felt loads better after telling her. But now it's all coming back,feeling down,feeling unwanted, feeling just really crap.

 

I promised I would tell her if I felt sad again so I'm going to talk to her when I get a chance.

 

I don't know what to say though. Hi, I feel down again. I'm still insecure.

 

It's stuff like her taking ages to reply to text or her sharing a private joke with another friend or her not seeming bothered about saying bye that sets me off with my insecure, down, horrible feelings.

 

But those things are normal things that I don't want her to change. I don't want her to feel like she has to reply to my msgs dead quick or feel like she's not allowed to have fun with other friends or be dead sad when she has to say bye.

 

I don't want her to change any of the normal things she does just cos it sets me off. I want those things to stop setting me off.

 

I'm worried that if I tell her the kind of things that set me off, she'll either feel awkward and things will be become weird between us cos she's constantly walking on eggshells trying to make me feel OK (which I really really don't want her to do) or

 

she'll take it the wrong way and think I'm saying that I don't want her to have other friends and she has to reply straight away etc.

 

It's so hard. But whilst I don't tell her those minor things that trigger me off, I feel like I'm hiding something from her.

 

HELP!

[Cid]

One thing that you might want to do is get on some anti-depression pills. My wife is on them and the helped her alot. You famly doctor can give them to you. That should help you alot with this.