The idea of divorcing make me happy

[MrRight]

I have been married for 7 years. I dated my wife for 7 more before getting married.

 

Before our marriage, I had serious doubts that she was the one right for me. She belongs to a hardline protestat church and although I value her honesty and integrity, I never got along well with her friends and family due to their lifestyle. I was very ambitious and I clearly wanted a lifestyle different than the ones those members of that church and her family have.

 

In addition, my wife is very controlling. She admits it. She is also extremely jealous. Sometimes we go out with friends and she keeps bossing me around and I feel very intimidated. I attempted to break up before getting married with her, but she persisted I would be 'safer' marrying her. I was so insecure and I think I was afraid I couldn't find someone else who could love me like her. Last year I took the initiative of going to a marriage counselour, but she refused to join me. She refused simply because she never paid attention or believe in what I say. Sometimes she also starts physical aggression (punches, nails, etc) and she believe that since I make her very nervous, she has the right to do that. One of her major complaints against me is that I don't like and appreciate her brothers. Somehow I don't like my in-laws. She is very sensitive to that and cycle of fight goes on.

 

Recently we have had a serious fight (she refused to join me for the New Year's reveillon party) and I told her that I don't love her anymore and I want to get divorced. She is in panic and asking for one more chance. I feel that I can't give her a second chance.

 

The only problem is that we have a 3 year old. However, he has witnessed our fights and I don't think that is healthy for him. Other than that, I feel strangely very, very happy with the idea of being away from her. She stayed away travelling overseas (at her parent houses) for 1 monht and I felt so happy like never before. The idea of finding a woman who I could be more compatible make me hopeful.

 

Is there any doubt that I should get divorced?

[chai714]

It seems you've taken many steps toward improving your marriage with her yet she has repeatedly refused. This woman has hit you, threatened you and basically turned you into her doormat through manipulation.

 

The question is, do you want to walk on eggshells with her for the rest of your life? It seems she's too stubborn to change yet when you throw the D-word (divorce) out there she's all of a sudden willing to try? Too little, too late.

 

Unless there's more to the story you're not telling, it seems divorce really is something you should consider.

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

I am so sorry about what is happening. As a person whom has parents that just divorced....I will say this. Never, I repeat, never stay in a miserable and loveless marriage simply for the kids. Kids will adjust and learn.

 

My parents, my mom actually, ended a 35 year marriage and she admitted the primary reason she stayed was for me and my brothers. I cannot begin to tell you how that made me feel. I went into therapy (not only because of that, but many reasons but that was a big reason). I just wish my mom had the courage and the strength to do what she felt was right years ago. My brothers and I would have been fine.

 

So, whatever you decide, make sure it is good for you. Kids need their parents happy and functioning. Good luck in whatever you decide. Take care.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

Things don't sound so good, and you need to stand up for yourself. Divorce might be the necessary and right step for you. I don't know the entire story of course, so I can't properly advise, but it does sound like divorce is the right option (especially if you no longer love her, and she is clearly abusing you!)

 

Where do you live? Depending on where you live, you can get divorced without her permission. I live in NC, USA, and one person can serve papers and the other can sign or not sign, it doesn't matter, after a certain amount of time the divorce will be granted.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

Allow me to add to Kellbell's post... She said never stay in a marriage just for the kids, the kids will adjust and learn. This is especially true when the children are a younger age such as your son. They will however be confused, so it's your duty to make sure your son knows you're still there for him and love him. Don't neglect him in this process, please.

[agent1607307371]

If she is physically attacking you, leave now.

[Portage]

You know the answer. It is just scary making that final step. But when you do it is like a breathe of fresh air.

 

You still have emotional hurdles to deal with, however, what a wonderful feeling to go down that exciting road ahead.

 

Good Luck

[fnlyfrei]

It will not get better. If she is unwilling to go to counseling that says a lot. A good relationship is give AND take..not one person banging their head against a wall. You knew before she wasn't the one....you should trust your gut instincts. Every time I ignored my intuitions or feelings...it turned out bad. You only have one life...do you want to spend it imprisoned by a bad choice? And if she is manipulative and abusive now....make sure you have things set up in the divorce so that she cannot use your son as a weapon. Controlling, abusive people will grab whatever they can to weild against you if they feel powerless....it can get scary...but don't let it scare you. Plan accordingly.

[MrRight]

Thanks all. Yes, it is scary making the final move. But I am firm now. She says that is depressed and in panic and now it will change, she claims that she no longer will be controlling, jealous, etc. I gave her 100 chances before she has never changed. I don't trust she will be able to change. She just told me I won't find a decent new love and I will be on my own for a long time or perhaps forever. Well, so be it.

 

Sometimes she is unhappy with me because I show my emotion. It is true, many times I show in my face that I am unhappy and that bothers her then it is when the fight and offenses go on. However, I show that I am unhappy because I really am.

 

Now she scheduled an appointment with a marriage counselor. Too little, too late. I agree. I said I can go to the counselor, but I will tell everything. I will tell him that I married her with doubt about my marriage already.

 

 

 

 

 

It will not get better. If she is unwilling to go to counseling that says a lot. A good relationship is give AND take..not one person banging their head against a wall. You knew before she wasn't the one....you should trust your gut instincts. Every time I ignored my intuitions or feelings...it turned out bad. You only have one life...do you want to spend it imprisoned by a bad choice? And if she is manipulative and abusive now....make sure you have things set up in the divorce so that she cannot use your son as a weapon. Controlling, abusive people will grab whatever they can to weild against you if they feel powerless....it can get scary...but don't let it scare you. Plan accordingly.

[radioheader]

that is great that you are willing to go to the counselor...they can help you end things as easy as possible...the physical outburts are totally unacceptable! she might be willing to try medication...sometimes that will help but you will really need to decide if you want to give it another try or not after the counseling and that is not an overnight process..will take months to make good progress...sounds like she has deep issues...in the end do what is best for you and your son...you may even want to try for full custody...good luck!