Men, explain this 'concept' to me. "Getting some strange!"

[pregnantkitty_1985]

My sister and I were talking today and she was telling me sometimes she thinks her boyfriend is checking out other girls subtly. She said she wasn't sure if she was being paranoid and insecure and he usually tells her that it's not what she thinks, and so on. He's a good guy who doesn't generally drool over other chicks and would (as far as we both know) never cheat on her, and is very respectful of her. She said that sometimes she sees a hot girl and doesn't know if it's because SHE thinks she's hot that makes her feel her guy must as well, and always looks to see if HE'S looking. Same thing with a hot girl with quote, "her boobs hanging all out" on the television.

 

As the big sis, I explained to her that what she feels is perfectly normal. A lot of us girls feel like this. I also told her as a general rule that he's probably lying when he says he wasn't looking or noticing the hot girl. But it doesn't mean he's going to cheat. I also told her, hey, I understand how you feel, because even if my guy wouldn't cheat, I still am very bothered if I think I see him noticing another girl. I don't think he should but of course, no one can control anyone's eyes or mind.

 

What bothers her even more was that her boyfriend's friend told him, "man, I love my girl to death and everything, but stuff (sex) is getting routine and kinda boring. I want some strange."

 

If he loves his girl, why does he want some "strange"? (For anyone who doesn't understand, that means um, someone elses vagina, ya know, sex with a different girl.) Do ALL guys think like this, even if they would never actually go cheat? Do all men get bored from time to time and want sex with other girls, even if they wouldn't actually do it?

 

My sister and I also discussed the importance of switching it up some in the bedroom, though that's hard when you've done practically everything. She is slightly worried he may become bored of her and tries to use a lot of variety. Didn't' know my lil sis was such a freak, but big sis is proud.

 

Anyhow, thoughts on this matter please.

[Mrs Elliott Smith]

I hate generalizing. So I doubt it's ALL guys. And I don't even want to limit this go guys only. Many women feel this way as well (wanting to sleep with someone new). But, as you said, thinking/wanting it and actually doing it are 2 different things.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

I hate generalizing. So I doubt it's ALL guys. And I don't even want to limit this go guys only. Many women feel this way as well (wanting to sleep with someone new). But, as you said, thinking/wanting it and actually doing it are 2 different things.

 

I'm aware some girls feel like that too, but I'm limiting this to guys because as a straight girl with a man, I would like to know, as would my sister. Hence the post. I guess girls could post if they'd like but I'm interested in a guy's perspective.

[mysteryman]

Well please understand that these aren't my opinions but what I've gathered. Often guys will look at girls, not so much because they want to cheat or anything just because its there. I mean people window shop things all the time even if they have absolutely no intention of ever buying it.

 

And the reason guys want something strange as you put it is. Well guys are ambitous and when something comes easy they lose interest. I mean its kind of like watching a movie over and over, even if you like it, you probaly want something different after so long. And a lot of the times guys want better, or atleast try.

 

And please understand, Im not this way and niether are plenty of guys. Im currently in the middle of getting into a relationship and I'm crazy about her without the slightest of intentions of any other girls. Those are just my theories based upon the subject.

[Day_Walker]

If he loves his girl, why does he want some "strange"? (For anyone who doesn't understand, that means um, someone elses vagina, ya know, sex with a different girl.) Do ALL guys think like this, even if they would never actually go cheat? Do all men get bored from time to time and want sex with other girls, even if they wouldn't actually do it?

 

Now I can only speak for myself and the guys that I know. I want to preface that before people say that im generalizing. Many people believe that if you love a person you wont cheat on them and that is not true. Love has nothing to do with cheating, it is about losing control. He wants to have sex with other girls because sex with the same person gets old, routine and thats just the way it is. The guy wants something new because its new, it is a new accomplishment, it would liven things up. I cannot say all guys think like this but most guys I know think like this. I cannot tell you how many guys get bored with sex and their current significant others, but it is a lot and they want and talk about having sex with other girls.

 

A friend and I like to pronounce this statement everytime we see a hot girl "there is some guy who is tired of hitting that."

[pregnantkitty_1985]

That's a good way of putting it- the metaphorical 'window shopping.' Thanks for the input. I guess I find it hard to think like these guys do. I don't generally think like that. I might at times be slightly bored with it but don't actively seek out other men to look at or want to have sex with. Thanks for your explanation and good luck on your relationship.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

Just wondering if you'd clarify something for me. When you said "he wants to have sex with other girls because it's all new/new accomplishment"- was that referring to my sister's boyfriend's friend or all guys in general? Just wondering, wasn't sure. You say that most guys think like this. Should my sister and I be worried then? What do women do to prevent this? You're a guy so you probably could tell me.

Appreciate the input, guys.

[DreamerPL7]

Haha from what I have read you are pretty insecure on the matter aren't you. Well in my opinion its a normal thing my brother in law openly says some girl is hot or my sister jokingly says wouldnt you be happier with her or w/e and they have been married two years now the whole relationship was a span of 9 and counting. I think its just what we as guys do and yes I am generalizing because any guy that says no I have never looked at another girl while going out with anothr girl is lying there will always be the occasional look at the girl accross from where your girlfriend sits or the cute passer by at the mall. Don't worry because cheating stems from being bored and not really being happy with the way a relationship is going if all is well then nothing happens if things go sour but love is still there again nothing will happen. Its when you lose love you turn to someone else to look for that love you have lost. even if that love is a one night thing with somebody you met at Target haha. The point is its not serious all guys do it and blood doesnt always flow to our brain first .

[zerohalo]

This is a tough thread to reply to, mostly because it really sounds like maybe both you and your sis are jumping the gun. Guys look at women, that's just the way it is. It doesn't mean they want to have sex with them, it just means they can appreciate them.

 

The notion of, "I should be enough for him" is a sure-fire recipe for disaster. It keeps him from being open and honest, because he knows if he gets caught looking she's gonna be angry. Has he done anything? No. Will he do anything? No, not if they're in a loving and trusting relationship.

 

That's a generalization, but since we're talking pretty hypothetical here...

 

Look at this way- in my marraige, I looked and my wife didn't. She's the one who cheated.

 

As for the whole 'strange' topic, why would a guy want another woman when he already has something good, that could take a lifetime to answer. Just because it's hot in the bedroom, is everything actually ok in the non-sex department of the relationship? If you're a jerk who is a great lay, you're still a jerk.

 

And remember, I'm not targeting you or your sis here, just talking in broad generalizations.

[handsdown]

Firstly, people are going to look at people.

 

The thing that's hard to tell here is: is he looking in a lingering fashion that is disrespectful? or is she looking at him constantly, waiting for him to have a passing glance at another female?

 

It is disrespectful to openly stare at a member of the opposite sex when in a monogamous relationship. I have NEVER caught my boyfriend doing this. If he looks at other girls, that's fine, I just don't want to know about it and the girl he is admiring shouldn't know about it either, because then I consider that flirting. If he thinks in his mind "wow she's a hottie" that's fine, it's his mind, just don't tell me about it unless I openly ask for his opinion.

 

As for wanting some "strange", having sex with him more or doing different things is not going to change that sort of opinion. There is something else wrong hat needs to be addressed. Cheaters don't cheat because sex is boring, the sex is boring because the relationship is boring/troubled etc. A happy relationship will have happy sex.

[Cardinal]

If you look at it from a biological standpoint, a man might as well impregnate as many women as he can. There isn't any reason just to be with one woman sexually.

 

There are plenty of men in today's society that would say they are a 'one woman man'. To me that just means they either don't have the urge to be with other women for rational rather than primal reasons or it means that they are basically saying they won't cheat. They have ethical/moral beliefs against cheating.

 

In any event the decision not to get some strange is just a choice men make. The desire to get some often does stem from boredom....or sometimes the thrill of getting away with something without getting caught...the excitement of it all. Some men do it because they can, plain and simple.

 

Many don't.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Yeah, I think a lot of people of both genders do it.

 

I know for a fact that I'm boring to my signif other, a problem I overcome by "wishing" I was with someone else.

 

Pre-emptive strike!

[Mark1016]

I am going out on a limb here. Women and men think differently when it comes to love and sex. Women (most) need the emotions that come with having sex. Men, on the other hand, can just have sex without any (or much) feeling at all. It's part of the "spread your seed" phenominum. Just because a guy (I am not condoning this) has sex with another woman does not mean he loves you any less. Women, be careful of falling for a guy that is in a relationship. Chances are you are only a "strange" piece to him and he will go back to his girl once he has his jollies.

 

This has been going on for thousands of years... Woman falls in love with man; man cheats on woman; woman gets heart broken (takes all his money); man doesn't understand what all the hoopla is about and finds another woman and the cycle starts all over again.

[Batya33]

The problem is that to you all men are guilty until proven innocent just because you happen to have trust issues with your fiancee. In my experience, my bf now and the serious boyfriend prior to him would not have sex outside a serious committed relationship and certainly would not be tacky enough to share any thoughts/fantasies about being with another woman (I think men and women have those thoughts/fantasies about sex with someone else and it is perfectly normal).

[Day_Walker]

Just wondering if you'd clarify something for me. When you said "he wants to have sex with other girls because it's all new/new accomplishment"- was that referring to my sister's boyfriend's friend or all guys in general? Just wondering, wasn't sure. You say that most guys think like this. Should my sister and I be worried then? What do women do to prevent this? You're a guy so you probably could tell me.

Appreciate the input, guys.

 

I was referring to the guys that I know. Your sister should not be worried unless he indicates that he is cheating. I dont believe that there is anything women can do.

[Batya33]

What you do to lessen the risk of dating someone who will cheat on you is to pick a man who has character, integrity and strong ethical and moral values - who values commitment and who values keeping his promises - bourne out over time by his actions, not just his words. (this goes for men choosing women too of course). One reason I don't cheat is because it would be inconsistent with my self-image.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

The problem is that to you all men are guilty until proven innocent just because you happen to have trust issues with your fiancee.

 

Well, this doesn't have anything to do with him, my post was just based on a conversation my sister and I had. And I made a generalization that "all men look at other women" that everyone elses' reponse seems to support, even yours. I didn't say all men are guilty until proven innocent! Just that, I believe all or most men look. Though mine claims he doesn't, I don't believe that for a second. The difference between these guys here, and my boyfriend and my sister's boyfriend is that these guys here are honest.

 

Reasons I don't cheat include: I don't have the desire to, I really DON'T fantasize about sex with other guys, and like Batya said, it would be inconsistent with my self image. I wonder if I'm some sort of genetic anomaly or something, or just strange, because I'm very monogamous even mentally, I don't have the urges to have sex with other guys and don't fantasize about it. And everyone else seems to think that it's normal and that everyone does it. Not me though. Is there something wrong with me ?

[pregnantkitty_1985]

This is kind of what I've gathered from everyone's responses: (correct me if I'm wrong)

 

That even if a guy loves you and will never, ever cheat on you, he's still going to want to have sex with other women. Even if he doesn't act upon those urges.

 

And, even if a guy loves you and won't cheat on you, he will eventually get bored of sex with you and want to have sex with others. Even if he doesn't. And he will likely fantasize about it even if he doesn't cheat.

 

And then that brings me to this: I guess that means even now my man is in the next room fantasizing about women other than me? And my sister's boyfriend is fantasizing about the girls he sees on tv and girls he sees in real life that my sister thinks he's checking out? And there's nothing we can do, because it's inevitable? And even if they swear up and down that they're not, they really are?

 

And then, according to DayWalker, if our men get bored of sex with us, there's nothing we can do to spice it up and get him interested in it again?

 

Now all of this is just depressing. It makes you think, why bother if they're going to end up getting tired of us and either A) end up cheating or leaving for some other girl they'd rather have sex with, because you're an old used condom, or B), stay with us out of 'love' but stop being sexually interested in us and instead resort to fantasy women.

 

How, um, hopeful for everyone's futures.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

There's no such thing as any man who loves his partner and never thinks about sex with other women? I'm not talking about a mere glance at a hot girl, I'm saying, there's no men who, even if they look at another girl, DON'T think about having sex with her when they've got an S.O.?

[Batya33]

I think fantasies are normal and healthy. The wedding vows say nothing about having to promise not to have thoughts or fantasies of others. Fantasies are a good outlet and I don't think having fantasies lead to cheating - in fact the opposite - a man who fantasizes about others may do so because he has no intention of actually acting them out, ever (unless with his significant other) and in this way he feels he can get it out of his system with no one getting hurt.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

I can't help but think "I should be enough for him." I know it's not popular opinion here, but I'm open and honest about that. I can't for the life of me change my mind or how it's wired.

 

Just wondering, when you "looked" were you fantasizing about having sex with these women, even if briefly? Or was it just a look to appreciate a pretty sight, like seeing a fine piece of art? Wondering if you can fill me in with your male point of view. Tell me what's going on in the male mind. I am sorry that your wife cheated, by the way. There's nothing I can say to that other than, that completely sucks, and I think most of us here understands how bad that feels.

 

How about when it's hot in the bedroom and hot in the non-sex department too, and the guy still wants some strange? See, my sister's boyfriend's friend loves his girl, and there's nothing wrong in the non-sex department, but he's bored in the sex department, and said he wants to have sex with someone else. Why?? It just doesn't make sense to me. Why couldn't he have her do something different, like dress up and act some fantasy out or something? Why does it have to be some other person??? Just wondering if you could explain that too, from your male point of view. Reason why I'm specifically asking you is because you seem pretty intelligent and for some reason (don't ask me why, not sure, mainly just based upon your above post, which was good & informative) I think I'll get a more honest/detailed explanation from you. Of course others are also welcome to answer.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

I think fantasies are normal and healthy. The wedding vows say nothing about having to promise not to have thoughts or fantasies of others. Fantasies are a good outlet and I don't think having fantasies lead to cheating - in fact the opposite - a man who fantasizes about others may do so because he has no intention of actually acting them out, ever (unless with his significant other) and in this way he feels he can get it out of his system with no one getting hurt.

 

But do all men fantasize about others? It kind of seems like you're saying, they do have the urge to cheat, (or, have sex with other women), but instead fantasize about it to get it out of their system so that they won't cheat. Is it really that hard not to cheat? To have to do such things to prevent one from doing so? Is there anyone who doesn't fantasize about others? I don't. I'm not saying I don't fantasize, I'm saying I don't fantasize about other people. Just wondering what people's thoughts are, I'm not trying to come off as argumentative or anything. Isn't it possible for some men (even if there's a small percentage) to not fantasize about others? Maybe some men are fantasizing about their S.O and crazy sexual things they want to do but probably won't end up doing.

[Batya33]

You cannot control your thoughts, just your reactions to thoughts. All I am saying is that to me fantasizing is healthy and normal unless done obsessively, and perhaps it has the added benefit of getting that curiosity, temptation out of one's system. I wouldn't want to know if my bf fantasized about other women - that would be too much information and disrespectful of him to share - but I assume he does or has and it's fine with me.

[zerohalo]

Just wondering if you could explain that too, from your male point of view. Reason why I'm specifically asking you is because you seem pretty intelligent and for some reason (don't ask me why, not sure, mainly just based upon your above post, which was good & informative) I think I'll get a more honest/detailed explanation from you. Of course others are also welcome to answer.

 

No pressure.

 

I think it could be trouble down the road for you if you have that feeling, that you should be enough for him. Just remember that he may not be able to turn that switch off. I'm not saying you should say, "Hey sweetie, go gawk at every hottie that walks by", but I'm saying don't chastise him for glancing. My own feeling is that if you really feel that way, that maybe you're kind of insecure in the relationship. The real point is, he's with you, not her. Don't turn it into something bigger than it is.

 

Personally, I don't believe a guy when he says he never looks. If I were a woman (that's a whole 'nother thread) I would much rather know that my b/f or whatever was honest with me. And if briefly looking at another woman does happen to rev his engine, guess who gets to benefit? That's right... you. Not her.

 

When I looked, did I want to have sex with that particular woman? No. Oh sure there might be a moment where I'd think, "I wonder what'd feel like to have my face between those," but is the urge so strong I'd do it? Hell no.

 

As for the last part, why would a guy want something on the side even though things are good in the bedroom and the general relationship... I'm not sure I've got an answer. My gut tells me that although you and your sis think it is going good, he doesn't and he's too chicken to talk it out. The more simple conclusion is he's a dork who doesn't really know what he wants right up until the point he's about to lose it. The wrinkle is that he actually told her his feelings on it... this has me perplexed. That may have been his way of saying that there are issues (pretty immature way of going about it), or again he could just be so arrogant that he figured he'd say it and possibly drive her off, or he didn't realize his comment would hurt her. Some people (not just guys) can be that dumb.

 

I feel like I need a couch, your sister, her boyfriend, an hour of their time, and a copy of Psychology 101. And yes, that could be taken the wrong way... pervs.

[zerohalo]

But do all men fantasize about others? It kind of seems like you're saying, they do have the urge to cheat, (or, have sex with other women), but instead fantasize about it to get it out of their system so that they won't cheat. Is it really that hard not to cheat? To have to do such things to prevent one from doing so? Is there anyone who doesn't fantasize about others? I don't. I'm not saying I don't fantasize, I'm saying I don't fantasize about other people. Just wondering what people's thoughts are, I'm not trying to come off as argumentative or anything. Isn't it possible for some men (even if there's a small percentage) to not fantasize about others? Maybe some men are fantasizing about their S.O and crazy sexual things they want to do but probably won't end up doing.

I often did fantasize about having sex with a coworker or something like that, but honestly, the fantasies I had that really were the best were about my wife. Why did I fantasize about someone other than her? I have no clue... variety perhaps? Why did I end up preferring to fantasize about my wife? Cause I loved her and being intimate with her meant way more than some cheap fantasy with someone who really didn't mean anything to me.

 

I do blame some of this on biology. Guys have an instinct to spread their seed (tacky term, but true) to ensure the species survival. But we have social limits placed on this biological drive, so I think guys have come a long way by just taking a quick glance at a cute woman instead of hump their neighbor at the local GAP.