First date confusion

[Special Fried Rice]

Just had a first (lunch) date with a girl from work, and am left feeling a bit deflated. Not quite sure why as we had a good chat, and started to relax into it and started making her laugh.

 

What should I expect from a first date? It's been a while since I've been on a proper first date, as other recent ones have been with ex girlfriends who I've just dived in with. This is a new girl, and so I'm not quite sure what to expect.

 

Also, we haven't arranged a second lunch date yet? Should I wait a little while before suggesting a second date?

 

I told her afterwards that I'd like to do it again, and she said that that would be ok, and I got a smile and a wave goodbye from her when she left the office this evening, so how come I feel so flat about it?

 

SFR

[Day_Walker]

Forget the lunch date and do something with her after work, grab some drinks and unwind or some coffee.

[coollady1957]

I can understand how you might feel a bit deflated or unsure after a first date. I have felt that way before myself. I think it may be due to the fact that we automatically start to think about whether this might work or not and if we are going to get shot down/ turned down for another date.

 

From what you have said, your date seemed quite open to the possiblity of a second date. If I were you , I wouldn't worry too much and just go ahead and ask her out again.

 

Day Walker had a good idea with the asking her out for a drink or coffee after work one evening.

 

Hope all goes well for you.

[Wimpy]

Hey well done on asking her out to start with - I wondered what had happened.

 

Perhaps you're a bit deflated because you were so hyped over it beforehand - just relax and enjoy

[Massari]

 

I told her afterwards that I'd like to do it again, and she said that that would be ok, and I got a smile and a wave goodbye

 

SFR

I say it went pretty ok.. maybe she didn't look so enthused about it but she did say that it is ok. I say ask her out again for drinks after works. I am not sure how old are you? what kind of reaction were you expecting to get from this date?

[Special Fried Rice]

I'm 96.

 

Only joking. I'm actually old enough to know better (nearly 36). I don't know what I was expecting as this is the first time I've ever been out on a date that didn't involve alcohol and the possibility of a 'coffee' afterwards.

 

I did invite her back to the office for a coffee after the date, but it's not quite the same, is it, when you have to make coffee for the entire team as well as your 'date'!

 

In all seriousness, I guess I was expecting fireworks. I think my expectations were just too high. What do you think about me e-mailing her tomorrow afternoon, just to see how her meeting went? (She had a meeting with her boss to discuss her future/role in her department (so maybe she was a bit preoccupied with that?)).

 

SFR

[afonselaca]

I think it is kinda hard to get comfortable enough over lunch... especially when you have such a limited amount of time and have to return to work and be cool about it.

 

I hope you two go out again so I can live vicariously through you

 

If you are lukewarm about her then ask her for a drink. If you are keen then ask her for dinner. How does that sound?

[Special Fried Rice]

Lukewarm? Are you kidding? She's lovely. Reckon I'm going to have to take it easy and not push too much for a second date just yet.

 

Another day or two, see how it goes with her at work, and then take it from there. This is the trouble with liking somebody at work: I'm always paranoid about making a nuisance out of myself.

 

SFR

[Special Fried Rice]

Update:

 

So I e-mailed her on Thursday to ask how her meeting went, and she said that she wasn't happy with how it had gone, and that she wouldn't give me the details on e-mail but would save them for another time. I replied to her e-mail, keeping it light hearted, and told her to let me know if she wanted to lunch again next week. To which I heard.... nothing.

 

She's still smiling and waving hello and goodbye at work, but I'm not getting anything else from her. I've been advised not to send anymore e-mails, which I did today (not send any, that is).

 

What's going on? She has yet to initiate any contact and I'm beginning to think that she ain't all that fussed about me. But I've kinda asked her out again, to which I got no reply, and yet still the big smiles and waves.

 

I'm confused, and don't really know what I should do next. Should I just leave the ball in her court? Surely she must know that I like her by now. How long should a guy chase a girl before giving up? ](*,)

 

SFR

[afonselaca]

That is confusing. Hummm...

 

Well, if she is smiling and waving goodnight then she thinks you are nice enough to not ignore completely. She didn't respond to your lunch invitation possibly because she is upset about her meeting and her head is wrapped around her job at the moment.

 

I would be cool next week and let her make the next move. I think the ball is in her court because you asked her out and you are awaiting a response.

 

If you are hot for this lovely, then chase away... but you sound like you are unsure. Maybe she is too?

 

If you don't end up lunching again, it is okay. The most fabu women for you will enter your life eventually. No worries, k?

[paulm]

First dates can be like a job interview.

 

Even when they go well, I always seem to get tired/tense afterwards. It's a 'defeated' feeling.

 

It's exhausting.

[Lansing]

Well, you didn't really ask her out.. You were like "let me know if you want to go out next week" which is different than "hey, how about lunch on Tuesday"....

 

I wouldn't sweat it... Make it casual.. and say "hey, you free for lunch today" one morning when you run into her...

[hosswhispra]

Well, you didn't really ask her out.. You were like "let me know if you want to go out next week" which is different than "hey, how about lunch on Tuesday"....

 

I wouldn't sweat it... Make it casual.. and say "hey, you free for lunch today" one morning when you run into her...

 

^ Right on the mark! A man with a plan is someone who is confident and self-assured to pick a definite date and time.

 

 

Forget the lunch date and do something with her after work, grab some drinks and unwind or some coffee.

 

 

 

No more coffee...pick an activity date, something fun! No bad meant to Day Walker cause I do but pick something fun and interesting...trust me it will work

[Aurian]

"I had a lovely time having coffee with you, and you seem a bit stressed about the meeting. How about we do something fun and you can tell me about the meeting afterwards?"

 

I dunno...

[Special Fried Rice]

I understand where you're coming from, BUT... this girl has a baby and thereforeeee arranging something for after work might prove to be a bit tricky, particularly at first.

 

I'll give it a go though.

 

(The girls I work with have urged me to stop e-mailing her and to not waste my time with her anymore, but I'm not so sure. Seems a bit daft doing that if I still like her, and want to keep things friendly. Perhaps just the one e-mail to her every now and again, and friendly chats whenever we run into each other at the office?)

[Special Fried Rice]

So, Monday morning and I'm at the sandwhich van that pulls up outside our office every morning, and suddenly there she is, right behind me and joking that I'm emptying the van. So we have a quick chat and she tells me a bit about her weekend.

 

A bit later I send her an e-mail (even though the girls at work would kill me, but hey, it's my life!) and she sends one back. Shortly after she turns up at my desk and shows me a picture of her little boy, and we have a nice friendly little chat (lots of smiles and laughs).

 

A couple more e-mails, amongst which she tells me that she's still not happy at work, and that she might be leaving at the end of the month. Now, get this... I tell her "Don't leave without giving me your mobile number first!" How brave am I?! She said "Will do" and that she'd keep me informed.

 

To be honest I wouldn't mind too much if she DID leave work, as it would make things easier, in a strange way. So surely she must now realise that I like her a bit more than just being a friend at work?

 

SFR

[Massari]

very veryy brave.. I really like that line... "Don't leave without giving me your mobile number first!"" flirty but not weak..and definitely shows that you are interested and I am 100% sure she will give you her mobile

[afonselaca]

What is the deal with the other women at work? Did I miss something SFR?? How come they don't like her?

[Special Fried Rice]

Oh, they like her, but they had thought that I was barking up the wrong tree (I still might be) and that I shouldn't waste my time chasing after her. In fact, the girl I like actually comes accross to chat to my two female confidants, so perhaps I could ask them to start singing my praises?

[Special Fried Rice]

Quick update. Today, after a week of chatting at work, e-mails, smiles etc (the usual stuff), SHE asked me to lunch for later in the week!!! Could be that she's just being friendly though, right?

 

Assuming it doesn't go disasterously wrong, should I ask for an evening or weekend date afterwards, or leave it a little while before asking?

 

SFR

[cantexplain]

I've read through this whole process you've been through and I think that she is definitely interested in you at least as friends and probably more. Its important that you not idealize that which you don't know and you simply remain receptive to this pursuit while also going about your own days in a responsible and focused way.

 

Here's some other thoughts:

 

These proximate female confidants: if even just one of them secretly digs you then you may not be able to rely on their advice as truly objective or in favor of your romantic hopes for this other person.

 

Mobile phone number once she leaves is a good idea - but (how about the next time you feel it is a good time to ask) - just get that phone number whether she leaves or not.

 

The picture of child - if this is a good mom she not only wants to share photos of her child, she may be testing you to make sure this is not a problem in a potential romance. If she has any sense of your own romantic interest, which I bet she does - and she is still acting this way without clarifying you to be a friend or work colleague -- then these all seem like good signs.

 

If so, eventually you will have to make the next move, I think.

 

The work affair -- hmm, does your workplace have a dating policy? These e-mails alone on work time could jeopardize your and her job reputation. Workplace romance requires a different degree of discretion - and another good reason to get the phone number -but don't use this fact as a lame excuse -get her phone number because you want to be able to call her, period.

 

Also, if she is going through these transitions she might be thinking it a good idea to keep it going slowly and surely if she can. Now she knows you want her phone number when she leaves and she smiles. See how much she smiles if you tell her you want her phone number if she leaves or not.

[Special Fried Rice]

Ok, this is where you really get to earn your keep. We went out for lunch again this week, which went really well. She let it be known that she was single, and asked me if I was seeing anybody (not yet ;-)).

 

It went much better than the first one, and felt that we were beginning to relax a bit more with each other. So was left feeling quite optimistic.

 

Went easy with the e-mails on Thursday (didn't want to over do it).

 

Then today I took a deep breath and, after an initial "Hi, what you up to at the weekend" e-mail, asked her if she'd like to meet up outside of work at some point. To which she replied as follows:

 

Re meeting outside of work - can we pause on that for now. Anyhow I say this, you will take it personally!!!

 

But, in theory I have my son every other weekend. Most of the time in between is spent catching up with the things I can't do when he's with me - and I don't get to see the many people I've been meaning to see for some time.

 

However, in reality, I rarely get a break - I'm not complaining, but the idea of adding to my lot at present is daunting. To add to it, I don't know what's happening here after next week and it's making my head spin.

 

So, like I say, you will take it personally anyway, but it's not meant that way.

 

I hope you have a good weekend, and once I know what is happening on the work front I can think a little clearer, but it's impossible to plan at the mo.

 

Hope you understand.

 

Now - don't go off and have a sulk!! (kidding)

 

Perhaps we can grab another toastie next week

 

To which I replied:

 

Naturally I'm a bit disappointed but I know where you're coming from... so I hope you won't mind if I have just a little sulk on the way home.

 

Seriously though, I know you've got a lot on your plate at the moment, so that's cool. But the offer's there, if you change your mind

 

Look forward to another toastie next week. Hope you and [her son's name] have a good weekend, and don't play too rough with the children in the soft play area... remember you're a lot older than they are!

 

I know you can't possibly tell, but do you think her reasoning is genuine, or was she just letting me down gently? We exchanged a few more light hearted e-mails after that, and she smiled and wished me a good weekend on her way out of the office.

 

I really like her, and am prepared to hang around for a little while if there's a possibility that something might happen, but don't want to make a t*t out of myself.

 

Any ideas/opinions anybody?

 

SFR

[cantexplain]

Yeah I think you are doing fine - she is a single mom with a lot on her plate - questions about work, etc. I'd be more worried if she jumped into a dating relationship (especially with a coworker) this fast and with her job in the air, custody and childcare issues, etc.

 

If you're worth her keep you should be able to be patient with this process.

 

I believe she is being genuine.

 

I also really think she does not know: "once I know what is happening on the work front I can think a little clearer, but it's impossible to plan at the mo."

 

My concern for you is that you keep your own keel even at work, and focus on the life you are creating for yourself which you hope to share with her or someone else you will like as much as her, someday.

 

DO NOT TELL HER UNLESS SHE ASKS (because it would be like a threat, kind of abusive) but you may want to do some practice dating (nothing serious just going out, hanging out) with other new people. This will help you to learn about yourself and keep your feelings for this person in perspective. This is hard because if you are like me it feels completely unnatural to pursue more than one person at a time. In the end, 'though, I think it makes me more confident, balanced, and a better and more attractive date.

 

This may seem manipulative, so other forum members can call me out on this , but I think you should tone down the frequency of e-mail contact at work - be a little more scarce so she doesn't take you for granted. People tend to want what they think they can't have. (This effect is working on you right now, ya' think?)

 

Also, I would have been "above board" as you were (or worse), but from my objective place looking at your words on my monitor - I would have left out the first sentence and the words "seriously though" She knows now how strongly you feel for her and may feel she has the ability to take more time deciding whether she wants to date you or not. Show her how much you care through actions not words. She says give her a little space - so do so. And don't sulk about her in public (at least not with her) - she wants to date a strong man who is confident and comfortable with himself.

 

Finally, let's look at two possibilities:

 

( ) - She loses this job and then is unemployed and has to look for another.

 

( ) - She keeps this job.

 

If she keeps this job you will be pursuing a workplace romance. These happen all the time and result in many marriages. They also result in a lot of lost productivity and broken hearts. If she keeps this job and you BOTH pursue a deeper relationship with one another, I suggest you take the lead and communicate to her that you wish to protect her career as well as yours and start acting with more discretion - at least at first. Ya'll are just friends now, so the frequent contact is less harmful.

 

If she's smart she won't date a guy at work who will freak-out if things don't work out. So be that kind of guy.

 

If she loses her job she may need a shoulder to cry on. She may also want nothing to do with the place, including you (don't take this personally if it happens). She definitely will have a new big worry - getting another job.

 

So whatever happens next week there will be many obstacles for her in her romantic life with you, if this is what she chooses. It will be important for you to be patient with all of these. And be emotionally supportive if she asks for the support. If not, try not to smother her with concern or worry. Let her be a big girl.

 

She's telling her she needs a bit of space right now.

 

What do the women out there think of her response?

 

I read somewhere once that it takes on average 5 more dates for a woman to think she is falling in love than for the man.