When do you talk about what you really want?

[zerohalo]

This is one of those questions where I don't know what forum it should go on.

 

I'm not really looking to start dating again as my marraige is in the process of ending, legally. I have healing to do, and I want to get my head on straight before I pursue another relationship. However, I know at some point I'll need to start dating and it's kind of been on the forefront of my mind.

 

I'm really not looking forward to dating at all. I'm pretty glad that I'm not going to jump into it for a while, but I can't help but think that at some point, I'm going to have to do it.

 

Here's the issue. I have only dated two women in my life, one in high school, then the next girl I dated in high school I ended up marrying. She was the only woman I have had sex with, or really any intimate contact with. One of the problems in my marraige was my sexual tastes- I don't like vanilla sex. I like spice and a whole lot of variety, and to me sex really does happen mostly in the head and not just the body.

 

So although I know I'm jumping the gun here a bit (I first have a long road of healing ahead of me, then I have to actually find a woman who would want to date me), I have some concerns. I have zero, nada, no clue when people start to have sex in an adult relationship. It seems like people have sex these days before they actually love the person they're with and that seems strange to me. Probably an odd attitude for a 30 year old, but there it is.

 

And like I mentioned, my sexual tastes aren't vanilla. I don't want to scare a woman away, but frankly just regular intercourse won't do it for me. So if people start having sex before they love and trust each other, and I can't really enjoy it that much if it's just vanilla humping...

 

Is this making any sense? Can I get some advice?

[Kalika]

I think before you should even worry about sex, you should focus more on dating. Don't rush into exclusivity or sex with anyone.. take your time finding/getting to know someone. Only when you are comfortable enough to talk about your expectations of each other, you should even begin thinking about having sex.

[doyathink]

Vanilla humping huh......well, you most certainly do want to have some sort of bond involved to ask a chick how kinky she is...when is a good time.....when you and her are ready would be the right time.

[zerohalo]

Is that typical? Most of my friends in the dating scene tell me it doesn't take much more than 4-5 dates before things get to be pretty physical.

 

I know a standard response to a question like this is, "don't have sex until you're ready." But as stupid as it may sound, I don't want to miss out on a great person because I'm lamely old fashioned.

 

Alright, well assuming I could find someone who would be willing to wait for me to be ready it still doesn't really answer my question. When do you generally bring up what you really want? When is it too soon? Personal experiences/stories would be very welcome.

 

The whole 'when you're ready thing' doesn't mean anything to me. It took -years- for me to bring up my tastes with my wife. I am not willing to wait that long now, you know? Obviously there has to be some sort of connection, there has to be trust. But you have to look at it from the point of view from a guy who has no experience. How do you know when it's the right time to bring it up?

[ElegantOverkill]

Halo, first things first you need to take your time and go through your healing and get that out of the way. Now about the sex thing. Are you wanting to just get out there and have casual sex?? And if you are is it because you think its the new standard?

[zerohalo]

I guess I should just not think about this stuff until some time has passed. But, that's not the way I work. If I get something in my head, I have to try and hash it out a bit.

 

I don't know what the definition of casual sex is. I think I find that synonymous with a one night stand or a f***-buddy.

 

This is all really confusing. I guess I'm just worried that I'm going to find someone that I like, we end up hitting it off, and then when things finally start to get intimate I will either A) scare her or B) find out she's completely opposed to any of it.

 

Everyone has a 'thing(s)' that they really like. When do you bring it up with someone you're dating? How do you know when it's the right time? I really am clueless (on oh-so-many levels).

[TheRedQueen]

I've been on and off with my SO for about six years, and it wasn't until this past Thanksiving that I found the courage to tell him that I, er, needed a little more stimulation than was being provided by what had become our highly routinized vanilla sex.

 

Now that the cat's been let out of the bag, our sex life has been phenomenal, and the only thing I regret is not having told him sooner.

[Dako]

Were are the vanilla wimmen?

 

You may be surprised that most ladies have ideas beyond the basic missionary ooh ahh. If I were you, I'd relax. While you were on the shelf, women were still growing.

[zerohalo]

Thanks for the real world example, RQ. Your situation is pretty much exactly what I would like to avoid.

 

I get the feeling that what's really going on here is I'm afraid of rejection, afraid that I'll be judged or mocked. There may never be a 'right time', I just have to have the courage to ask for what I want and let the cards fall where they may.

 

I'll probably just end up scaring off a lot of women, but who knows. It's not like I have any experience at all with what women these days want/need. Maybe my tastes aren't as strange as I would think...

 

Yeah. Dating is going to suck.

 

-crawls back into his cave-

[HellFrost666]

When you find somone you are really comfortable with this won't be an issue anymore.

[TheRedQueen]

Thanks for the real world example, RQ. Your situation is pretty much exactly what I would like to avoid.

 

I get the feeling that what's really going on here is I'm afraid of rejection, afraid that I'll be judged or mocked. There may never be a 'right time', I just have to have the courage to ask for what I want and let the cards fall where they may.

 

I'll probably just end up scaring off a lot of women, but who knows.

Everything you describe here, I felt to the T. The reason I was afraid to mention my latent sexual desires to my SO, was that I was horribly afraid that he would, as you've mentioned above, both judge and mock me. It isn't exactly easy, having to tell the man you love, "oh sweetie, by the way, I wouldn't mind getting it a bit more rough, and while we're having this moment of honesty, I like being dominated, and feel free to spank me."

 

Embarrassing yes, but well worth it nonetheless .

[zerohalo]

RQ, the more of your posts I read, the more I like you.

 

Kudos to you for asking for something that you wanted. Am I off in thinking that it's still the men who are the ones willing to do just about anything? I mean (using your example), it's not often you hear a guy say "Yeah, she wanted me to spank her and pull her hair, but I felt like we weren't making love anymore and she didn't respect me." However, that does seem like a response I'd expect from a woman.

 

And I'm sorry, I know that sounds really sexist.

[TheRedQueen]

Well, sex is a funny thing, it incorporates so much, and at least in my opinion, it provides the perfect forum for us humans to intimately express ourselves, and for us women, be vulnerable. Whereas some women need love in order to be able to withstand this sense of vulnerability, others, like myself, need a little bit of love, and a little bit of role play.

 

^ I apologize ahead of time, if this makes little sense to anybody other than me.

[doyathink]

Well, I dont know exactly what you 'like' when it comes to this....but if your into what RQ is talking about.....A LOT of women are. We get just as bored as a man with routine and missionary...BELIEVE ME!

 

There needs to be more MEN like YOU!

[TheRedQueen]

There needs to be more MEN like YOU!

I second this opinion!!!!!

[zerohalo]

That's a point where I think I can get into trouble. I think I know what one would consider 'making love', but that really isn't my thing. To me, making love is sharing your real desires with your partner, making yourself vulnerable to them, surrendering to them and vice-versa. And no, I'm not talking about BDSM.

 

But I sorta figure that most people think of making-love as the whole slow-sex, staring into the eyes, lots of kissing thing. I guess with the right person that could be good, but honestly... it just kinda bores me.

[renaissancewoman101]

I third the opinion.

 

It's cool to meet guys who are into sexual experimentation. Most men just seem to think women want it only the missionary way.

 

Sex is way cool if you experiment.

[doyathink]

I think you've been out of the loop for too long....lol

More women are like this then you think. Put up a poll here and see what you get....I bet you will be surprised.

[zerohalo]

Well, I dont know exactly what you 'like' when it comes to this....but if your into what RQ is talking about.....A LOT of women are. We get just as bored as a man with routine and missionary...BELIEVE ME!

 

There needs to be more MEN like YOU!

 

Oh I do like it more rough. No doubt about that. There's just a lot more that I'm into, and I don't know that I feel comfortable spewing it onto the boards. Pun not intended.

 

I guess since I've only really shared my intimates with one person, I'm not ok with spilling it onto the internet yet.

 

Have you ever heard of the purity test? I took that back in college, and there's a pretty big section on sex. There are quite a few yes/no questions as to things that you've done (from the missionary position to necrophilia), and aside from things you would need 3 people to do (and necrophilia. Even I have my limits) I have progressively marked more and more of those boxes as yes. I'm not sure there's many left.

 

Jeez, the more I post to this thread the more it seems like I'm bragging. Really the reverse is true, I feel like I'm digging myself into a hole.

[TheRedQueen]

To me, making love is sharing your real desires with your partner, making yourself vulnerable to them, surrendering to them and vice-versa.

I'm stealing your definition, it's spot on!!!

 

And no, I'm not talking about BDSM.

Hey, don't knock it till you try it.

[doyathink]

Do you have a link to one of these tests? I would be interested in taking one.

If your not comfy 'spilling' it out here...then send me a pm and I'll let you know how 'normal' you are...

 

I dont see anything in your posts to think of you as bragging....

[zerohalo]

Hey, don't knock it till you try it.

 

I think I've probably established by now that there hasn't been much I haven't tried. I'll admit I'm not into the heavy BDSM scene at all, but bondage, domination, pain... yeah those can be a good time.

[zerohalo]

Do you have a link to one of these tests? I would be interested in taking one.

If your not comfy 'spilling' it out here...then send me a pm and I'll let you know how 'normal' you are...

 

I dont see anything in your posts to think of you as bragging....

Ok, good to know. I was worried I was sounding arrogant.

 

There are actually quite a few varieties of purity tests. Go here and have some fun. link removed

[TheRedQueen]

Well I'm 22% pure, or 78% corrupt, depending on how you choose to look at it.

[doyathink]

LOL!

Theres one in Dr. Seuss Format!