New Boyfriend ... and he'd rather be with others than me

[Batya33]

Do you think I should give it more time? I want to give it a chance but I'm really afraid of this continuingn much longer.. I don't know if I'm jumping the gun but my first instinct is to dump him and get out of this situation

 

It sounds like he prioritizes drinking and hanging out over being with you one on one. Does he do other activities except booze it up at the local bar? Sounds pretty narrow/boring to me.

 

And, if you are that afraid of being you, on your own then I would advise not dating because you will put up with poor treatment to avoid (gasp!) being "alone." When is the last time you took yourself out on a date?

[Kevin T]

I'm confused. You're upset because he started calling you more...?

[Batya33]

That's exactly what I told him when I talked to him.. I said that in my experience, someone that doesn't want to see or talk to you just isn't really into you that much. so he started calling me more. but I still dont want a bf who's chicken sh**.

 

What is the point of saying that? Why would you date someone who needed to be "trained" to call you by you instructing him on what to do? It should come pretty naturally, to make the effort to see you and make plans in advance. Obviously each couple works out how often that is and what makes them comfortable.

 

If I were you I would say - have a great time at the bar. Then make sure to make plans on your own or with friends so that you are out having fun, being distracted and not available when he bothers to call. He'll get the hint - but being his "teacher" is not productive, IMO.

[Kalika]

What is the point of saying that? Why would you date someone who needed to be "trained" to call you by you instructing him on what to do? It should come pretty naturally, to make the effort to see you and make plans in advance. Obviously each couple works out how often that is and what makes them comfortable.

 

If I were you I would say - have a great time at the bar. Then make sure to make plans on your own or with friends so that you are out having fun, being distracted and not available when he bothers to call. He'll get the hint - but being his "teacher" is not productive, IMO.

 

When someone doesnt do something you want them to, instead of getting mad and sending subtle angry hints, it makes more sense to me to talk to them about it. I'd rather just tell him how I feel than play games.

[Kalika]

I'm confused. You're upset because he started calling you more...?

 

He calls every day since we have spoken about it (he didn't call every day before that) but he's still iffy with coming to see me and making solid plans ahead of time.

[Batya33]

He calls every day since we have spoken about it (he didn't call every day before that) but he's still iffy with coming to see me and making solid plans ahead of time.

 

He will treat you the way you tell him to treat you. If you continue to take all his calls, to be available last minute he will - correctly - believe that you are ok with it. Say nicely, once "I've started making more plans in advance - I'd love to see you but it's probably not going to work last minute too much of the time"

 

And, this is just me - but if you are bf and gf it should be a given that you see each other at least every friday or sat. night if not both.

[Kevin T]

Maybe he's trying to make up for his bad behaviour with you, then?

 

Okay, maybe not. It's true... "Actions speak louder than words." I personally think that if someone spends every weekend at the bar instead of with the person they claim to care about, you have to look at their ACTIONS. Talk is cheap.

 

Do his words and actions line up? If so, then fine. But if not, then look at what he's doing, not what he's saying. Am I telling you to dump him? Of course not. Only you can decide what is best for you. But I think his actions speak clearly what is important to him.

[Kalika]

He will treat you the way you tell him to treat you. If you continue to take all his calls, to be available last minute he will - correctly - believe that you are ok with it. Say nicely, once "I've started making more plans in advance - I'd love to see you but it's probably not going to work last minute too much of the time"

 

And, this is just me - but if you are bf and gf it should be a given that you see each other at least every friday or sat. night if not both.

 

I agree totally..... Ironically in the beginning (all of 2 months ago!) we saw each other a lot and he tried to see me a lot but now.. nope.. and in those times I really thought we could make a relationship work.

 

Do his words and actions line up? If so, then fine. But if not, then look at what he's doing, not what he's saying. Am I telling you to dump him? Of course not. Only you can decide what is best for you. But I think his actions speak clearly what is important to him.

 

You are right kevin t...

 

Do you guys think I should see what he says about hanging out tonight? I'm so nervous, he's calling me in an hour or so and I really don't know if I should just dump him and get it over with, or wait a day or a week to see if things change.

[redding500]

"Do you guys think I should see what he says about hanging out tonight?"

 

Sure, see what he says - and then see if it matches up with what HE DOES. I would let him make all the moves from here on out, and if he can step up to the plate, then great, but if not, move on. It might be that you need a more assertive guy, and if anything, that's good to know.

[Kalika]

Sure, see what he says - and then see if it matches up with what HE DOES. I would let him make all the moves from here on out, and if he can step up to the plate, then great, but if not, move on. It might be that you need a more assertive guy, and if anything, that's good to know.

 

That sounds like a plan... but if I get relegated to a Sunday night date again next weekend also, his is dumped.

 

now the only problem is, I have never dumped anyone so I dont really know what to say.. whoops..

[Batya33]

That sounds like a plan... but if I get relegated to a Sunday night date again next weekend also, his (removed) is dumped.

 

now the only problem is, I have never dumped anyone so I dont really know what to say.. whoops..

 

You just say "we are not on the same page as to what it means to be in a relationship. I had fun with you but don't see future potential. Take care and all the best to you."

[Kalika]

You just say "we are not on the same page as to what it means to be in a relationship. I had fun with you but don't see future potential. Take care and all the best to you."

 

ya.. and if he wants an explanation, I will definitely give him one... Annie wrote in another thread about how some guys are passive pursuers and some arent, and it totally clicked. he's passive. I need an active pursuer!

[Batya33]

ya.. and if he wants an explanation, I will definitely give him one... Annie wrote in another thread about how some guys are passive pursuers and some arent, and it totally clicked. he's passive. I need an active pursuer!

 

Yes, but explain it like a lady - nice but assertive - and in a concise way - no need for him to see that it hurt you as opposed to it annoyed you and/or was disrespectful of your time.

[Kalika]

Yes, but explain it like a lady - nice but assertive - and in a concise way - no need for him to see that it hurt you as opposed to it annoyed you and/or was disrespectful of your time.

 

Yeah, I wouldn't barrage him with my anger or anything .. although that's been tempting at times Batya are you dating any1?

[Batya33]

Yeah, I wouldn't barrage him with my anger or anything .. although that's been tempting at times Batya are you dating any1?

 

Yes, for about a year and a half. For what it's worth, I stopped dating guys whose idea of a social life was to go to bars about 15 years ago (when I was about 23 or so). The men I dated since spend weekends going to theater, hiking, sometimes going to sporting events, dinner parties, museums, movies, dinner, dance classes, taking classes, the opera occasionally, etc. Far more interesting personalities that way and far less emphasis on the boring let's go out and get drunk plan.

 

I also always went by the general guidelines that unless it was understood that we were going to spend at least one weekend night together, if he didn't make or confirm plans with me by Wednesday night (and this was also pre-internet, pre-cell phones, etc) I was busy. Most of the time I was busy with social plans, otherwise I was busy spending me-time whatever plan I had made.

 

never reacted in an angry way - if it happened more than once I would say nicely "sorry, just like last weekend, I'm busy - I usually make my social plans in advance - can we reschedule?" I never told them to change their planning, etc - the vast majority did - usually the reaction would be to ask me out on my next free day during the week or to make a plan right then for the following weekend.

 

Following that guideline never affected me negatively as far as having enough dates, enough men interested in making plans in advance and had the positive effecct of continuing to reinforce for myself that I had to be treated with respect and like a lady (old fashioned term, I know and I love it) if a man wanted to date me - particularly since I treated men with respect as well.

[redding500]

Listen to Batya, that's solid advice. Print it out and look at it every day.

[Kalika]

Yes, for about a year and a half. For what it's worth, I stopped dating guys whose idea of a social life was to go to bars about 15 years ago (when I was about 23 or so). The men I dated since spend weekends going to theater, hiking, sometimes going to sporting events, dinner parties, museums, movies, dinner, dance classes, taking classes, the opera occasionally, etc. Far more interesting personalities that way and far less emphasis on the boring let's go out and get drunk plan.

 

Hey Batya, I agree with Redding .. that's solid advice ... I just don't know any guys who aren't interested in going out to bars/clubs and places like that..

 

Actually I did see him tonight. He brought me a half dozen roses and we went out to dinner.. and said he wants to see me soon again.. so we'll see how it goes I guess. But yeah, I definitely wish he wasn't into the bar scene.

[redding500]

Other possible places to meet guys include volunteer work, joining a food co-op, post bac classes at a university, yoga classes, poetry readings, art openings, *sometimes* the gym. I think getting out and doing interesting things leads to meeting interesting people.

[Batya33]

Hey Batya, I agree with Redding .. that's solid advice ... I just don't know any guys who aren't interested in going out to bars/clubs and places like that..

 

Actually I did see him tonight. He brought me a half dozen roses and we went out to dinner.. and said he wants to see me soon again.. so we'll see how it goes I guess. But yeah, I definitely wish he wasn't into the bar scene.

 

What activities do you do where there are single men around - do you hike, do community theater (back or front stage) belong to a book group, take swing dancing lessons, play a sport, etc etc?

 

Well, you know what his focus and interests are so you have to promise yourself that either you accept it or decide not to. If you decide to accept it you have to remind yourself each time he chooses hanging out at a bar with his friends over you that you accept it in order to have him in your life.

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

I am jumping in kind of late. It sounds like your boyfriend likes to do all the chasing and when you push he pulls. The classic old, "push and pull" game. *sigh*

 

I have a few suggestions...some probably have been mentioned already.

 

Make more plans....without him. Go out with your girlfriends and start livin' it up chica!!

 

Try not to be so available for him. Do not answer all his calls, texts, emails, etc. Be a little aloof.

 

Now, of course, these are games. It is my belief, when something is true and meant to be, no games would be necessary. It all depends on what you are looking for right now. If you want to have a guy to date, go out, have fun, and cut loose with...then he is your guy.

 

BUT

 

If you are looking for something more serious, more geniune, more true, I am sorry to say, he is not it. I say this because I have first hand experience with this type of situation. I dated a guy for a while. Things in the very beginning were great, he could not get enough of me, introduced me to his old college buddies, introduced me to his family, gave me his HOUSE KEY! And when I started coming around more, wanted to spend more time, just wanted more....he backed off. I found myself doing all the calling, all the planning, all the initiating. And when I got sick of it and started doing other things, he would text me off the charts. This is not the type of guy you want to end up with.

 

I am sorry my post is not encouraging as far a serious relationship goes. I hope things get better. Take care.

[Siriana]

He's acting really innapropriate - I was thinking how you two are teenagers, and for someone who's in mid twenties this is dump him case.

 

When a guy likes you he's interested in making plans several days before the actual date. That's a fact.

Also guys who like to spend every single weekend at the bar are not the best choice.

[Batya33]

He's acting really innapropriate - I was thinking how you two are teenagers, and for someone who's in mid twenties this is dump him case.

 

When a guy likes you he's interested in making plans several days before the actual date. That's a fact.

Also guys who like to spend every single weekend at the bar are not the best choice.

 

I'll just play devil's advocate. I would never date a guy who spent all his weekends at a bar - but she has known this for awhile and so far she accepts it in the sense that the half dozen roses and the date last night were sufficient to convince her that she should keep seeing him. So, she has made her tradeoff - she would prefer to keep him in her life and put up with the partying/drinking. It wouldn't work for you or for me but it does for her.

 

The issue will be if, 6 months from now when he is still doing the same thing, she complains about it at that time and then he can reasonably say that he never promised to change and that she accepted it for that long, etc.

 

And, unfortunately, reading between the lines, I see that she has a mindset that "all guys" are into the bar scene and that there is something "manly" about getting drunk with the boys. Maybe the third or thirteenth time she has to help him nurse a hangover or the 10th time she finds out or sees him flirting with another girl because "hey dude I couldn't help it I was wasted" she will have had "enough."

 

Been there, done that, didn't get the t-shirt because it probably smelled like cigarette smoke (back when they allowed smoking in bars). My ex from back then was realllly fun - and sexy - when he was drunk and realllly kind of gross when he was hung over and really kind of scary when he abandoned me one night, totally wasted, to take a walk on the beach with a drunk woman. Nothing happened other than I was almost sexually assaulted by drunk woman's angry boyfriend.

 

So - you are forewarned about what it's like to be the girlfriend of a fan of the bar scene. .. but again, it's your choice.

[Siriana]

I red first four pages and I skipped this last one where you wrote about the roses.

So sorry my post was a little bit too upfront and based only on info before this page.

So wait for a little bit, a week or two, and if nothing changes (read still not getting what you want) reconsider your options.

[kellbell]

I am also going to play devil's advocate about the roses part. One thing you may have to consider that he MAY have bought those roses to pacify you so he can carry on going to bars/drinking and whatnot. It is a temporary fix for a larger issue. Just throwing that out for consideration.

 

Betya is certainly correct in writing that if it sufficent enough to carry on with this guy, that is the orginal poster's choice.

 

However, I did date a person whom had a drinking problem. He was a functioning alcoholic. Do be fooled on how much people drink and when. He was a nurse, paid his bills on time, paid his taxes, got out of bed...led a normal life. However, he drank a lot. I remember once we went to the movies and afterwards, we drove through THREE towns looking for an open bar. That is a problem. No good at all came out that relationship.

 

To the orginal poster, if drinking more than you comfortable with or able to tolerate is one of your boundries, DO NOT settle for anything less.

[Kalika]

umm.. I feel like this is kind of harsh, actually... If I felt like this was "good enough for me" I wouldn't have posted on ENA about it. That's my first point. My second is that when he goes to the bars, he doesn't get drunk, ever. This I know for a fact. He'll have like, 2 beers and call it a night. Often he's the DD for the group and does so purposely because they might have too much to drink and he doesn't want them to drive. Furthermore, I don't nurse hangovers or watch him while he flirts with other girls because he's drunk. Those are two things that don't happen, although it makes for a great Lifetime movie.

 

And I'm not "of the mindset" that every guy goes out and gets drunk at the bars. All I said was that I don't know any guys that actually do anything else. Even the great boyfriends of my female friends like to go to the bars on the weekends, or to parties with their friends, etc.

 

Furthermore, I never thought or even suggested that there's anything "manly" about going to bars and getting drunk, and I don't know what I possibly could have said that gave you that impression. I'm really not sure where this all came from but I feel looked down on by you for posting here about it.