THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE - SuperDave71

[Shaker]

Krnelson,

 

I don't think you should write anything at all.

 

But....if you feel it's something you must do, then this is what I'd write:

 

"I want you to know that I am not mad at you, but being friends right now is not an option."

 

Short, and to the point. It's polite. No begging. No self-deprecation. No sounding like you're damaged.

 

****, I want you to know that I am not mad at you. Thats not why I am doing this. I am doing this because I am moving on and talking to you hurts me so bad and fills me with false hope. And right now I need to continue healing myself. The truth is, you are with someone. After only two months of being apart you have already replaced me. I told you that if there was someone else that I cant be around for that. So I am sorry but being friends right now is not an option If you want to try and be together again (as more than friends) then please contact me and let me know. But until then you need to live your life and I need to live mine. But I cant keep going in this cycle of you wanting to be friends and then thinking its not such a good idea. That confuses me so much. I'm sorry it has to be this way I really am, but remember this was not my decision.

 

Something along those lines. I want to try and be nice, but right now I cant help feeling that she needs to feel the pain i have been through. I havent really told her that she shouldnt contact me, but i feel that it would help me heal even better. And by saying that she shouldnt contact me until she wants to get back together will give her a very clear message of what it is I want. and Maybe make her realize that I am actually gone. I don think that has set in yet.

[onelittleladybug]

Superdave -

 

During your time away from your ex, after you went NC, did you have moments of romantic feelings for her?

 

Its been 3 weeks since last contact and I am in NC now. I was doing LC before that. I haven't given into memories or thoughts of him, only the breakup and how bad that felt. Then last night it hit me again, the good memories and the love we had. Not in a sad way and not wanting to call him, just feeling those feelings of love again. I know that I cant let someone new in if I give into this but its also a relief from all the negative thoughts. How did you deal with this? Would love some advice please.

 

Thanks.

[krnelson2]

I did my closure through a letter.....I called him and asked him to stop by and pick it up..he did. this was a brake back in nov.

we got back together and it was the same. so here we are.

if closure is what your after make sure you can keep emotion out of it. I find writing is best..you can take your time --read....re read..edit..ect.

After what just happened to me...talking in person led to other things and cheap talk as far as im concerned ( at this point anyway). big mistake!

 

Thanks for the reply- I definitely will write it out. I dont think meeting face to face will get us anywhere like you said. I am probably just going to respond to her facebook message she sent yesterday. Then after that I'm done. Unless she calls me and wants to talk face to face I will not allow myself to respond to her anymore. I just really need this closure right now, for ME.

[SuperDave71]

Onlittleladybug,

 

Of course I did....I am human It was sooooooo hard NOT to have those feelings. I don't care what ANYONE says...True love does not JUST end....it is not a light switch. People do NOT just go from HOT to COLD because they "Fell out of love with you".

 

The phrase "Fell out of love" to me is like saying you ALMOST fell UP a cliff instead of OFF one. It doesn't make sense.

 

Do feelings change..ABSOLUTELY.

 

One question that I asked myself"

 

"Did she fall out of 'love' with me...or did she just stop showing me the attention that I assumed was love or loving."

 

 

If you look up at the sky...and you KNOW it's blue. Then someone comes along that you admire and look up to or ya just want to impress them a bit. They disagree with ya...they say the sky is gray or even yellow.

 

Now this is funny becauseyou KNOW the sky is Blue...you are 100% certain. They still see it as yellow. You might change your answer to a Bluish yellow....

 

They disagree....you say where you can understand where they see that it is yellow....BUT you KNOW FOR SURE its blue.

 

WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD YOU CHANGE YOUR ANSWER???!!

 

 

 

THAT is exactly my point when it comes to "Falling out of love"....you NEVER fall out of love.

 

 

What happens is that the love you once had made NOT be as intense but you NEVER just STOP.

 

 

In the Bible it says:

 

1st Corinthians 13:10

 

"B ut when the perfect comes, the partial will be done away"

 

(Sorry about the religion folks)

 

 

I agree with the above verse VERY strongly.

 

 

 

how many of you have been "In love"...it was WONDERFUL....then ya breakup.

 

 

Then whatever amount of time passes you meet someone that WAAAAAAAAY exceeds ANYTHING you have ever had SO FAR. Make sense?

 

 

I learned to love me. Romantic feelings came and went....they haunted me daily UNTIL I LET THEM GO. How are those feelings helping me? How can I benefit from feeling something THAT WANT THERE ANYMORE?

 

I wasn't. I had to let them go. It was NOT until I did...that i was truly free.

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[pinkbunnie]

hahhahah funny dave~!........i'll be more stronger this time....i realize im just hurting myself.

[pinkbunnie]

hey! thanks for the reply guys!!

 

cerritos? i live between Norwalk and Pioneer on Del Amo, right accross from Artesia High school. i mean literally accross hahaa.

 

oh wow hahhaa. i live close to cerritos. actually my ex works in that city =X

[luvmykids]

I did my closure through a letter.....I called him and asked him to stop by and pick it up..he did. this was a brake back in nov.

we got back together and it was the same. so here we are.

if closure is what your after make sure you can keep emotion out of it. I find writing is best..you can take your time --read....re read..edit..ect.

After what just happened to me...talking in person led to other things and cheap talk as far as im concerned ( at this point anyway). big mistake!

 

Please make sure it is closure you are after.

closure should be just that CLOSED!

when I wrote that letter..I was done.

He came to me a couple weeks later...we talked and got back together.

we were taking things slower....what a crook! it was the same thing all over again. this last time... I gave him a chance to talk face to face...so far I feel we are doing the same thing..its got to stop and only I can make that happen.

the only thing i think got accomplished was him thinking ...im not strong enough to walk away completely..which in a way he is right..this only benifits him .soooo NC again for this girl; good luck!

[luvmykids]

Ahhhhh2jz,

 

 

 

KEEP IT UP!!

 

 

and as for PINKBUNNIE!

 

 

I will come over there and duct tape you to the floor while luvmykids thows half-eatten twinkies at your head.

 

 

YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!

 

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

IM there Dave!

[onelittleladybug]

Thanks for your answer Superdave

 

Im still a bit confused...

 

Yes I completely agree that people dont just miraculously fall out of love. In my case what me and the ex had was the perfect vs all the partials that came before we finally met. And I know thats what everyone says but really, Im 34 and this definitely not my first relationship but neither of us had ever experienced anything close to this before.

 

So I think youre right that these feelings cant just go away.

 

The analogy about the sky being yellow or blue I completely relate to although Ive really given up on trying to convince him that its blue...

 

But this part I am struggling with:

 

I learned to love me. Romantic feelings came and went....they haunted me daily UNTIL I LET THEM GO. How are those feelings helping me? How can I benefit from feeling something THAT WANT THERE ANYMORE?

 

I wasn't. I had to let them go. It was NOT until I did...that i was truly free.

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

 

So by that do you mean that when the feelings hit you, you just let them go through you without resisting or trying to hold onto them?

 

Or do you mean that you actually use willpower to not think about it?

 

In all honesty Im not ready to meet someone new. I am so aware that I will constantly compare them to him that it just doesnt make any sense to do it. I keep thinking I should get back into the dating pool and maybe I will try sometime soon (its been 7 months since the breakup) but I think its impossible to fall this deeply in love so soon again and I wont want anything less than this. The only time when I seriously think about doing it is when I think about his dating profile which bothers me a lot. So I try to not think about it.

 

But Im afraid that if I let these feelings go through me that it will build up again and I will start thinking about him too much and then eventually break NC etc etc etc...

[pinkbunnie]

hehe u guys are funny....ok my ex just imed me....asking me he got emails from me asking him to join this chat program...and he said he already got the link before and ask if he really needs to use the program? ummm, why is he asking me this? if i was him i would ignore it....its probably computer clithe'. so i just said oh, its probably sending on its own i didnt send them and said ignore it and i stopped the convo.......

 

 

 

isnt he tryin to start convo w/ me?

[rsxguy520]

oh wow hahhaa. i live close to cerritos. actually my ex works in that city =X

 

 

small world... tell me who he is and i'll twinky the crap outta his car just like superdave! JOke...don't worry you'll get through this! promise you!

[pinkbunnie]

small world... tell me who he is and i'll twinky the crap outta his car just like superdave! JOke...don't worry you'll get through this! promise you!

 

hehe =)

 

yeah i really hope so~

[AllTornUp]

I messed up.

 

My ex asked me on IM what I would tell the kids. I told her I wasn't sure because I wasn't sure where we stood. That if we're really broken up, then I will tell them that. But if she's just moving out and we might get back together, then I'll just tell them she had to move out.

 

I got an answer I didn't want to hear. She just wants to call it good. She just can't deal with an instant family.

 

It hurt, but at least my hope is crushed completely now and I can start picking up the pieces and move on.. And doing it on IM was good because she didn't see me cry. She suspected, but I said nay.

 

Tomorrow shall be my new first day of NC, and it shall be full NC.

[TonyMar75]

Hey, all. Day 3 down. For me, 9 to 5 is the hardest since I work with my ex. Once I'm home it's tons better -- another argument for NC. On the other hand, there's a significant part of me that appreciates being able to see her every day, as difficult as it is, and show her that I'm moving on.

 

I've posted in the last few days that she wouldn't look at me much around the office and seemed distant. Things were a little bit different today. We exchanged smiles and expressions when funny/weird things happened during the staff meeting. I'm wondering if it's because she sees that I'm being strong and not giving her those sad, pathetic, "Please, please come back to me" looks. Either way, that tension between us is easing somewhat. I know it's the NC-except-for-work-stuff and my efforts to be strong and project an image of happiness and wholeness is what's doing it.

 

Now I just must cope with us sliding into the friend zone even though I desperately want a second chance. However, I feel a little less desperate each day. The pain is easing. I can feel the weight being lifted. Here's a funny analogy: you know how you stub your toe or hit a finger with a hammer, and the pain is so excruciating? But then the pain starts to subside a little, and the feeling of relief is euphoric, a high -- almost good enough that you're GLAD you got hurt, as weird as that sounds. I feel like I'm there. My appetite is coming back. I slept a little longer and a little more soundly last night (though I still woke up with thoughts of her).

 

One thing that is helping is pride in myself -- pride that I'm keeping my dignity and keeping NC while still being polite and friendly. Pride that I'm moving on and not letting someone -- even someone I'm still in love with -- hold power over me.

 

Best wishes to all...

[luvmykids]

I messed up.

 

My ex asked me on IM what I would tell the kids. I told her I wasn't sure because I wasn't sure where we stood. That if we're really broken up, then I will tell them that. But if she's just moving out and we might get back together, then I'll just tell them she had to move out.

 

I got an answer I didn't want to hear. She just wants to call it good. She just can't deal with an instant family.

 

It hurt, but at least my hope is crushed completely now and I can start picking up the pieces and move on.. And doing it on IM was good because she didn't see me cry. She suspected, but I said nay.

 

Tomorrow shall be my new first day of NC, and it shall be full NC.

 

Sorry to hear.... but ..I think you knew it was coming..

Your hope is not crushed, Just your FALSE HOPE!

I dont want to sound mean/cruel but this is a huge turning point for you..no more games..time to heal! Im here for ya...take care

[luvmykids]

I will check back in the morning..I too, have urges to call my ex..but the more I think about it... I get more out of life "trying" to help others with things and i would rather talk to people who actually care....that would be you guys! thanks! take care all!

[AllTornUp]

Thanks, luv. Have a good night!

 

You are right though. I am doing really good tonight! I hope this is that weight being lifted off my shoulders that SuperDave and others have talked about

[Shaker]

End of Day 6:

 

Feeling really good tonight, but still overtired. I think exercise has been helping me, along with meeting new people and doing some things I've put on the backburner for a long time....

 

I'm enjoying the process of reprioritizing my life (even though work is going more slowly than normal and I'm not feeling 100% my lovely ol' self).

 

I also didn't beat myself up today and make myself do errands I didn't want to. I just let those things slide for now, and will deal with them tomorrow. I guess this means I don't feel like it's really the end of the world.

 

(It may also help that I haven't heard a peep from or about my ex in a while.)

[audrey28]

Middle of Day 11:

 

Ex still on my mind...but coping relatively well (meaning, still wondering about him but know that it's NOT going to work out and i should NOT call)....

 

Somehow felt really sad in the morning on my way to work...cried a little bit...but i'm ok now...just letting myself go through the changes in my moods and emotions

[rsxguy520]

ending day13 on a good note! things went well for the rest of the day. shoot some hoops and did a little yard work. day14 here i come!

[luciand]

Day 6) It's getting very hard to remember which day it is of NC. I actually have to look back and find my previous post, because I just don't care.

 

Decent day, fast classes, studying, enjoying a nice screwdriver, followed by a lot of House episodes with my roommate. Twas a grand ol day.

 

I did notice one thing though... when I was younger... I always had that same feelings I do when I'm buzzed. I was talkative, informative, quick witted, and much much more.... odd.

[Pisces_Princess]

Oh well my move is going ahead...I have signed the paperwork, got the keys and I feel wretched.

 

This has really set me back.

 

I knew it was coming, but I am just so very sad

[TonyMar75]

Oh well my move is going ahead...I have signed the paperwork, got the keys and I feel wretched.

 

This has really set me back.

 

I knew it was coming, but I am just so very sad

 

Hey, Pisces. Just wanted to tell you that you can be strong and to try to use that mindpower over the heartache. I just woke up with thoughts of my ex, as I have for the last three weeks, way ahead of my alarm clock. Once I wake up my own heart starts to ache and I can't get back to sleep. I just keep wondering how she could have walked away, and how she can just let the days pass without contacting me. Yes, we see each other 5 days a week at work, but she hasn't once intitiated any kind of personal conversation to see what's going on in my life. And that is making me start to see that she really is over it -- that she doesn't want to get my hopes up in any way by getting personal again -- and that creates that feeling of panic and utter sadness that it really is over. I have to use every ounce of my strength not to start sobbing again.

 

I know I don't need her -- no one NEEDS anyone. That's something we're told here over and over again. But I still WANT her in my life so badly that the feeling of loss, rejection and loneliness is overwhelming sometimes.

 

So, Pisces, you be strong, and I'll be strong.

 

Day 4 begins for me...

[AllTornUp]

New Day 1 for me

 

Woke up at 5am and had trouble getting back to sleep, plagued with thoughts of her.

 

She called me upstairs because she was starting to get questions from the kids, like whether she was coming on our trip. She told them that no, it was a boys trip. By the time I got up there, they had started watching a movie, so I didn't need to say anything.

 

Anyway, she just left. Before she left though, she came into the office and moved in for a goodbye hug. So I got up and hugged her back. And I said "Goodbye _______". She whispered "Bye _______". I managed to keep it together until she left, but now I'm a wreck again. Trying to get it back together so the boys don't see me like this. I think I will tell them today--in fact, right after I get myself together.

 

Well, it's finally over. It is both a sad day and a good day. I am very sad about her leaving, but I know that I will finally be able to put my life back together and begin to heal.

[AllTornUp]

The next major hurdle will be coming back and putting my house back together..