THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE - SuperDave71

[bartonarms]

I'm officially joining everyone in the club.

 

After a month of low contact and thinking that things were going nowhere, I told her I couldn't be friends and that we shouldn't talk anymore. I told her how it's been hard on me and wasn't good for either of us.

 

This time, she begged and pleaded for me to stay, to which I feel more awful than empowered right now. I feel like it's been flipped and I broke up with her. She said how I was keeping her life in order- I guess always knowing I was there gave her safety. She said I was more than just a friend, but it's not good enough for me. I'm really worried now, because if I really was the only thing holding her together, I know she'll fall apart. It's happened in the past, and I don't think she got over that enough to not repeat it. I know it's not my problem, but I still love and care about her so much. She's all alone now in a foreign country. I'm tempted to send her brother an e-mail to watch out for her right now, but I don't want to get him involved or make things worse.

 

This feels worse than the initial breakup. I'm about to take down all the pics of us from MySpace (which I should have done already, I suppose), and take her out of my top friends.

 

We both agreed there was still something strong between us. She didn't even go back to her reasons for not being able to be with me. I think she finally feels like she lost me. If there was no chance of getting back together, this is the best thing for both of us in moving on. I want to heal. I told her not to contact me unless she wanted to work on things, and that I wouldn't be contacting her at all.

 

So... I won't. 8/8/08- Day One.

[brizzle]

Did I mention that I'm taking up this challenge? Except my plan is for six months, but 30 days is just the beginning. Today is day three of not seeing my ex. Should have been day four, but he showed up outside my work during lunch the day after I told him we couldn't hang out or talk anymore.

So, I have been dealing with this seperation for four months now, so I assume Ive progressed to a different stage than a lot of you, although I find that my healing process has been more of a complicated dance of push and pull between me and my ex. I'd gladly be pulled in...if he didn't have a girlfriend.

Today I woke up and I felt one major thing: resentment. The one thing I did NOT want to feel when I walked away from this. So, I'm not having sobbing breakdowns or depressed days in bed (I've already done both of those months ago), but today I feel anger. I feel a constant urge to call his present gf to tell her that he's been cheating on her for months, and how she should think about how she feels about that before moving in with him in September.

I'm not liking this feeling. I was happier acknowledging we may never get back together, knowing that he probably WILL end up crawling back to me, and excusing his cheating/lying behaviour because he "must be confused".

So to sum it up, I feel resentment and anger. And though I felt really happy the last few days because he has not called or shown up at my work or home, I realize now that it's because he is out of town for a wedding.

I'm still on "getting back together" post because I'm sure the dance will continue and at some point my anger will subside.

[istillluvu06]

Screwed up NC again........he texted first, ended up texting and on phone all day. Ended with both of us crying? Said goodbye his phone was dying. I am emotionaly exhausted. Have no clue what or why this is happening. It hurts too much

[Mutley]

Day 22 and going strong.

[Steve 7745]

Day 8.

 

Feelin' pretty alright today, actually. Going to get some serious exercise in and then clean this apartment up. Not going out tonight or anything.

 

Yesterday my friend thought it would be cute to scare me at her birthday dinner, "Yeah, so C is actually..." My blood froze. "Hahaha! Just kidding!"

 

Jerk. Also, proud of myself for now having drank a drop of beer last night. None. However, did drink a little soda which isn't so great. Ah well, one step at a time.

[StillSmiling]

Day 19

 

Teared up just a touch yesterday a few times but he is still almost constantly on my mind and it hurts so bad.

 

Not quite as tough last night as I went out to an Olympic kick off party with over 100 people. None of whom I knew! But forcing myself to get back out there and meet others was really good for me. Had some great conversations and a few laughs (which has been missing for WAY too long!)

 

This morning I find myself plotting and planning on breaking NC and I know it is all wrong.

 

About 6 months ago I had a photo of him, just his hands and sax (he's a great sax player) blown up and put on a large canvas over my fireplace. When I was first "cleaning my space' that got put away as well.

 

The last time I actually saw him (dumb!) about a month ago I asked him if he wanted it because I couldn't bare to just throw it away and he said if I didn't want it, he did. That it "had good memories" attached to it. I have not seen him since and am trying desperately not to see him, so I still have it.

 

A few weeks ago, I actually hung it back up in my newly remodeled bedroom as the colors are perfect and I really do love it. Besides, his face is not in it! =)

 

But now, after almost 3 months of him leaving, and still feeling so hurt and wounded, I thought it better that I take it down again. I am SO obsessed with thinking about already that I don't need any more triggers. God, how I loved to listen to him play that sweet sexy sax ...

 

Anyways, through the grapevine, I know he is out of town for the weekend. So I thought perhaps I would just drop it off at his front door while he is gone.

 

My question is why would I want to do that? Hoping to get a reaction from him? To let him hang it up and perhaps feel some of the pain I do? (I know that's mean) To really give it to him because I know I can't look at it and it's stupid to have it stuffed away in a closet?

 

Is that breaking NC? I suspect it is ...

 

And if I do get a response, it will be an ouch to hear from him again. And if I get no response it will be an ouch. Hummm ....

[Steve 7745]

I wonder if girls who are the dumper undergo this kind of torment. Sorry for the stress you feel.

[StillSmiling]

I wonder if girls who are the dumper undergo this kind of torment. Sorry for the stress you feel.

 

I am going to vote no. In all of my past relationships, with the exception of a 6 month fling at about 24 years old, I have always been the dumper.

 

Than again, in the pasts the roads were rocky before I finally said enough is enough. It hurt, but NOTHING like what I am going through with this one and being the dumpee. AND, it coming out of the blue with no conflict or much talk about anything being major problems.

[mattysfun]

broke no contact.

very drunkly broke no contact.

i said i wanted to talk on the phone

he said he didnt want to hear my voice

i asked why

he said ask my new bf.

 

sooo i called the new bf

 

the new bf says he doesnt know * * * he's on about

and that he's being an * * * * * * * to him as well

 

hahaha

 

o well.

its crazy that im making friends with his new bf this way. but its fun

[beentheredonetha]

Back to day 1.

he stopped by yesterday!

[beentheredonetha]

I am going to vote no. In all of my past relationships, with the exception of a 6 month fling at about 24 years old, I have always been the dumper.

 

Than again, in the pasts the roads were rocky before I finally said enough is enough. It hurt, but NOTHING like what I am going through with this one and being the dumpee. AND, it coming out of the blue with no conflict or much talk about anything being major problems.

 

Yes they do. I have been the dumper, in fact i have only been dumped once in my life.

I broke up with the same guy 4 times and everytime i was miserable and ended up getting back together with him after a few weeks of NC. I did not know about NC then but i was going by my gut, i knew i could not see him because i would crash if i did.

the 5th and final time, he broke up with me, the pain was still the same, but it went away and now we are friends.

[whes]

It's now been three weeks since he broke it off. I had one day of sadness before I moved on. I just started calling all of my friends and enjoying seeing them again. I didn't stay at home that first week and worked a lot of extra hours.

 

The second week I began to wonder how I was handling it all so well. Where was the heartache and the constant misery? I definitely felt that the first night, but that misery was not even so bad as when he was in the hospital. It was an accepting misery of sorts.

 

This third week has been the one where I am starting to relapse, as I panic slightly as I realize I really am letting him go. I love him, but he needs time to heal after his accident and find his strength in himself, not in me. Will he come back to me? I don't know. Will his feelings change again and this time towards rather than away from me?

 

I haven't spoken with him at all, contacted him or anything, and i have not heard from him. I haven't cried since the first night, and my days have been light and happy, despite my loneliness. It is very strange. I only truly miss him when I am happy. And even then it isn't a heavy sadness. I feel like perhaps my feelings for him weren't as strong as I thought, because I am scarily accepting of it all.

[The Mad Pagan]

Yesterday was okay, and I spent the whole day today at the lake, so I didn't think about the breakup at all until I was driving home a couple hours ago.

 

Tomorrow--which comes in about two hours here--will be day 20, meaning I have only 10 days left of the challenge. I didn't think I'd make it this far, but I did. I'm getting stronger every day.

[Unicorn123]

Hello SuperDave71 and Friends,

 

I have been a lurker for the past couple months. I would LOVE to join you guys in the NC Challenge. Bring it on! We can do this!

 

My ex and I had a HUGE fallout in April 2008-- I begged, pleaded, cried, and argued for about 1.5 month. It got to a point where I smacked his face and he changed his number. I have not contacted him (e-mail, text, nothing) for about two months now. June 13th to be exact. I do not plan on contacting him and am secretly hoping he will crawl back for a reconciliation.

 

Good luck to all of us!

[StillSmiling]

Day 20

 

For the most part felt a bit stronger and a bit more accepting of being one for good. And so far, have resisted taking the canvas over to his house. There is no rush for him to have it so I have to be honest with myself that it is just an excuse to make contact in some form. Not a good idea.

 

Last night I went out with a gal I met at the meet-up the other night. We went to a bar at the beach, right accross the road from where my Ex often plays with his band, and if coarse I was always there.

 

It all came crashing back. No matter how hard I tried to have a good time, my heart was just not in it. I'm not much of a bar person anyways and the whole scene just seemed so pathetic. After about and hour I had to tell my friend I had to leave, started crying again and drove home.

 

And now this morning, after having a couple glasses of wine last night, that crappy pain in my heart is back and I feel anxious and sad again.

 

Mad Pagan: Like you, I didn't think I would make it to 20 days. Congratulations on your strength and healing. For the most part I am healing too ... was just a set back last night.

 

It's the "forever" that strikes my heart at times. I know when 30 days come, I will need to make it 60, than 90 ....

[Steve 7745]

Day 9.

 

It's funny that when you try to give up someone completely in order to get over them, your mind kind of lashes out in someways and makes you think of things which aren't as true or possible. I had a dream last night...

 

I'm on the phone with a familiar voice who is somewhat stressed at me. And in the next minute, a flurry of activity and meeting someone and before I know it, I'm seeing a face underneath the blankets on my bed.

 

I'm holding L (an old ex of mine) with my arms over her ribs and she's in a combination of trying to tickle me and talk with me. There's something different about her. It's like she's so much more verbose now, so much more willing to talk and all smiles. She'd say something then I'd cut her off with a kiss before slapping my shoulder, "Stop that! I'm trying to talk to you!"

 

She told me soon she's leaving for more grad school. A place called Cornwall. She gets up and gets dressed as do I, wearing some flannel pajamas. I realize now that we're in the basement room I had in Arlington, as she whispers to me that her parents are going to be pissed because whatever she drove here only gets 6 miles to the gallon.

 

There was something so radiant about her. The smile the endured, she seemed to have put on just a few pounds, but somehow that actually increased her attractiveness a little. Like it made her seem more robust.

 

I walked upstairs and it was a totally different house. It was a great kitchen and my sisters were preparing stuff for Christmas. It was snowing outside. I ask my brother if he wants some whey protein coffee that I use as part of my work out. As he turns me down, I make my own cup...

 

And that's when I wake up. Strangely, I feel happy. Like, content, warm inside and wondering if all those conflicts are necessary. You only fight and struggle if you choose too, and I took that no contact challenge with my exs so I wouldn't anymore. Anyway, on with my day.

[The Mad Pagan]

I have been so danged busy lately that this whole break-up is seeming like the least of my worries. I am slowly forgetting him and the gigantic mess.

[Steve 7745]

Day 10.

 

Bought a guitar yesterday. Felt sheepish and embarrassed with all the people gawking at me as I walked it home. Everyone knew what was in the triangular box. Going to practice it some tonight and probably a few minutes each night. Feeling meh from lack of sleep. C is fading from my thoughts but still comes up from time to time. I'm waiting for "out of sight, out of mind" to kick it. Takes a while.

[Marton04]

It's going on 9 days NC - that's a lifetime for me! I struggled badly yesterday and today and even though I wanted to hear from him or contact him, I know it's not the best thing to do. Although I tried to get my friend to check his Facebook out but she refused which is probably a good thing for me. 9 days and it's getting harder for me - not easier!

[broken_arro]

It's going on 9 days NC - that's a lifetime for me! I struggled badly yesterday and today and even though I wanted to hear from him or contact him, I know it's not the best thing to do. Although I tried to get my friend to check his Facebook out but she refused which is probably a good thing for me. 9 days and it's getting harder for me - not easier!

 

I am currently on Day 16 of NC. Trust me Marton, I've been there.

 

Up to day 8-9 it seemed easier than I thought (perhaps because not much time had passed since I had last talked to my ex)...

 

Then, from day 10 to day 14, it was hell, because it was most probably when I realized that this time it was serious and we may not talk/be together again. Trust me, it was hell...

 

The last 2-3 days though were good again (acceptance, I guess) and day by day things seem to get better... I hope it keeps going that way.

 

Keep strong. It DOES get better.

[StillSmiling]

Day 21

 

Well, I made it to 3 weeks. This is about the point I have fallen off the wagon the last two times. I know he is back in town and my mind is racing on excuses to call him ...

 

Yesterday my energy seemed to have returned a bit and I actually did more than mope around. First I have felt that is almost 3 months.

 

There is still such a temptation to want to say or write all of the words unsaid. The things you start to understand once you start coming out of the fog and shock of it all.

 

Thankfully I have not had any more dreams of him and am finally sleeping pretty normal. The dreams are the worst!

 

And agree, the first week or so is really tough. Than is seemed to ease and bit. Now at this point is when I fall. Not truly a month yet since we last spoke. It's like hanging in limbo.

 

The best thing he could have done was to have removed me from his buddy list so we can't see each other online. Makes it a bit easier with the temptation and I wasn't strong enough to keep him blocked. I wonder if it just got too hard for him also to see me online. I wonder if he rethinks his choices. I have left the door open, but he does think I have moved on so I guess is respecting that and maintaining NC also.

 

Trying to stay strong and stay busy this week. We can do this. It is for our own healing and I need to keep reminding myself of that very important point. God I still love that man so much.

 

Hugs to all that need them ...

[DavidWRosario]

Day 17 -

 

I am Back. Country road take me home to the place I belong - West Virginia Mountain momma take me home country road.

 

I just love that place. Found a house. Actually a fixer up shack. 75,000 with 14 acres. I would go for it, if the house had Well, septic and a heating system. I guess you city folk might have a little problem. I know I do. roflmao.

 

Had to talk with her today regarding kid issues. It amazes me she tries so hard to engage control over my life with the kids. I just tune her out. I just cant wait for this year to be over. Once the divorce is settled, I am released from my vows and can live again.

 

Stay strong all.

 

Kj, MP, Stillsmiling and gg Hope you are all well. Sorry I disappeared but I was no good to anybody I was so low.

[Steve 7745]

Day 10.5

 

I'm starting to lapse. I'm starting to think about calling or seeing her. I'm daydreaming about holding her again in my arms and putting my hand to her cheek when I kiss her. I don't care about her weak jaw or her oversized maxila or that she's almost as tall as me.

 

What I care about is that smile that spreads on her face whenever I do something silly and stupid. Or the way she has to look away whenever she gazes into my eyes for too long. I miss those days that we spent on the couch just watching television, holding her. Spending time together just being there.

 

I'm not going to fight these emotions. I'm going to accept them and embrace them and not act on them. I'm going to accept the fact that I still want to kiss her and keep myself warm in the memories of the time we spent together, but I'll do nothing. Because ultimately I am powerless to change how she feels or what has come of this.

[StillSmiling]

Day 17 -

 

 

Kj, MP, Stillsmiling and gg Hope you are all well. Sorry I disappeared but I was no good to anybody I was so low.

 

Hey you! I wondered about yu going "poof"! Yu sound pretty upbeat today .. that's great. Remember, you don;t always have to "be good to anyone here". Sometime yu just need to type/talk and we will listen/read.

 

Congrats on Day 17.

[The Mad Pagan]

This is crap. I actually considered calling him today, which is exactly what I DON'T want to do. I don't even know why the feeling came over me. Stupidity, maybe, or some deep-rooted nostalgia.

 

I guess what matters is I am not acting on the urge. Nothing good would come of it, and my healing is doing wonderfully otherwise. Yay!