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brizzle

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  1. Broke NC after only five or so days. It happened to be what would have been our four year anniversary. But something came over me...I let myself go out and socialize and flirt and though most guys made me wish I could be back with my ex, ONE gave me butterflies like crazy. It made me realize that I had no reason to want to go back to my ex. I realized all of the horrible ways that my ex treated me (he lied obsessively and kept things from me and made me feel like crap a lot...but an emotional abuser usually finds success in making you think its YOU thats the problem, rather than them...another thread I suppose). I realized what I was missing was the comfort of being with someone that I know and that I was more scared to lose our "plans" and memories than I was to lose HIM. Don't get me wrong, I love him, and there will be times I miss him, but I also have come to realize he was never the best I could do and especially because he doesnt know how great IIIII am. So, I know a lot of you hate it when people on here say "do NC for yourself", but it's true. I hated hearing it, but it's turned out to be the most freeing experience ever. I phoned him to tell him NOT to contact me in six months because I didn't want to be an option for him...ever. So I cut off all contact with him and wished him good luck and I feel so liberated!
  2. Did I mention that I'm taking up this challenge? Except my plan is for six months, but 30 days is just the beginning. Today is day three of not seeing my ex. Should have been day four, but he showed up outside my work during lunch the day after I told him we couldn't hang out or talk anymore. So, I have been dealing with this seperation for four months now, so I assume Ive progressed to a different stage than a lot of you, although I find that my healing process has been more of a complicated dance of push and pull between me and my ex. I'd gladly be pulled in...if he didn't have a girlfriend. Today I woke up and I felt one major thing: resentment. The one thing I did NOT want to feel when I walked away from this. So, I'm not having sobbing breakdowns or depressed days in bed (I've already done both of those months ago), but today I feel anger. I feel a constant urge to call his present gf to tell her that he's been cheating on her for months, and how she should think about how she feels about that before moving in with him in September. I'm not liking this feeling. I was happier acknowledging we may never get back together, knowing that he probably WILL end up crawling back to me, and excusing his cheating/lying behaviour because he "must be confused". So to sum it up, I feel resentment and anger. And though I felt really happy the last few days because he has not called or shown up at my work or home, I realize now that it's because he is out of town for a wedding. I'm still on "getting back together" post because I'm sure the dance will continue and at some point my anger will subside.
  3. Im on my way to work right now so I can't write about how I'm feeling (hard to sum it up in one sentence), but I CAN say that any of you who are feeling like crap/thinking about your ex foremost should NOT be taking up the drink! It's a depressant...so of course its going to make you feel crappier if you start out feeling even a bit crappy. And take it from me, having embarrassed myself thoroughly by doing this, it's not worth the try to "forget your pain" or "drown your sorrows". No matter how much you try to drown it, pain can swim and float like a mothertrucker.
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