deleted-account Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 Ugh... I told myself for the new year I wasn't going to contact my ex anymore. We started talking before Christmas and she said she was just being friendly and I told her that I wanted more than friendly so we stopped talking. We then exchanged quick Christmas texts and then no contact until new years On new years I went a little overboard texting her how much I missed her and that I still love her. Bad move on my part I know but I got drunk and couldn't control myself. I figured I wouldn't hear back from her after that. Then on the 2nd she finally texts me saying happy new years and jokingly asks if i survived the drinking. She knows I want to be together and talking to me will only give false hope, but she does anyway. It's so frustrating. I've been tempted to contact her all day but I've been staying strong. Link to comment
blue_dahlia Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 Day 1 NC successfully finished. Link to comment
yo Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 I wanted my love to come back. Yep I have moved on. I went on a date today, and have one with some one new this weekend. I really do not know guys. I do not want to love some one else. I can not go through this again. I can not. Yes, I feel like this too sometimes. Even when I was with another girl, all I was thinking abt was my ex! And I def don't wanna be going thru this vicious circle of falling in love and then breaking up over and over again! My ex did so much for me, I never had a girl cry and be so open with me. Didn't get this part? cry when? Link to comment
yo Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 Day 1 NC successfully finished. Welcome to ENA..Keep up the NC..Stay Strong. Link to comment
Sickboy48 Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 Day 33 Of NC and everything is going well. Been out dating someone and it helps. Doesn't hurt she is an ex perfect 10 model too lol. Link to comment
titch_p Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 Hi Kezza, I think you're absolutely right to just reciprocate with the same level of effort he is putting in. Why should you just keep giving if you get very little in return? and if someone is just contacting you because they feel like they are doing the right thing by you and they don't have to feel guilty for messing you around? I think you show a real strength of character that I admire. I don't want to sound like one of those pathetic 'women who love too much' but I've been really weak recently and I contacted him again I didn't even want to admitt that to everyone on here because I just feel disappointed with myself for doing it! Although I can't know what you're going through as each situation here is unique, my ex rather abruptly, decided he wanted to be friends or pen pals. I crazily convinced myself that I could do this! However whilst trying to act in this 'friends' scenario and thinking I was okay with it, I was feeling really frustrated and sad much of the time but I didn't know why? I now realize that the person I was kidding most with the whole 'friends' thing was myself. He made the rules or changed the goal posts (for his convenience it seems) and I'm meant to change my feelings appropriately? I want to be his friend because I care deeply for him but I am lying to myself to keep up some pretence when I am still in 'girlfriend mode'. In fact, the reality that I still love him means that it may never be possible to be friends with him. I know I said I had a 'nice' conversation with him on the phone but I felt empty afterwards because of the whole 'we're friends' and I'll just pretend I have no feelings for you for your sake, comfort and convienience even though it's killing me. I also did the good old DIY self torture of analysing what he said and what it meant! and I can do without that rubbish in my head! I'm just so sick of creating my own personal hell on earth. I immediately lost focus on my life and couldn't concenrtate on the positive stuff I had been trying to do. I need apathy for myself! who cares what he meant! who cares what he thinks of me! I am sick of thinking about him and his life and then losing my own life!! I am good enough with or without him! I suppose it's believing we are good enough and if someone doesn't want us it's their loss. Yes, I love him and I wish him the best and great happiness in his life but he doesn't love me anymore, seems very happy without me and he certainly doesn't want to be my boyfriend anymore. I feel he just wants to be friends in 'loose' terms out of guilt or pity as it seems evident that he is very happy without me and there is nothing I can say or do to change that fact. I think that, surely, if we can't be happy on our own, can be really be truly happy with someone else? Suddenly, when we're single, we have to face the world and answer our critics alone and it's scary, we have to face issues that may be we were able to conviniently hide whilst in 'the couple'. If we don't learn to be comfortable without this person or any person won't we always conduct that relationship or any relationship with the fear of losing them because we know we fall apart when we're alone? Society holds some responsability for conditioning us- the magazines are not even subtle in telling us we are 'nothing' if we're not in a couple. So, I'm back to day one again but I'm not posting until I reach a certain number of days now because I'm feeling like a joke when there are people who are so much further on than myself. Link to comment
lovemeorleaveme00 Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 Day 10...................................................... Link to comment
gunpoint6 Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 on day 2 today - going to pass my time with work and go out later with some good friends. Went out last night with a friend to meet some girls but none were my type so it bought me down some. I have to play volleyball tonight and I'm on her team so I am going to need to be strong for this one as I will see her for an hour :sad: Link to comment
bostoneric Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 I wouldnt go play volleyball if shes going to be there. especially so soon!! bail! Link to comment
ycmanvs Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 One month and 4 days, and I lose my job today so I will not be online that often after today. Wish me luck.... Link to comment
gunpoint6 Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 I was going to but I will be screwing over the team if not enough people show to forfeit. Also I don't want to show her that I am so hurt, weak and that I can look past this and move on. I don't hate her the break up was my fault because I pushed her away because I wasnt sure what I wanted and then when I really knew she was broken hearted because she was giving 100 percent and I was giving 50 percent because of my mindset. She shut me off and fell out of love. Now I am the broken hearted one. Link to comment
bostoneric Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 still thinking about the email i got yesterday. its been about a week since i sent her an email asking her to send my work clothes/stuff to where I am staying now. its been about a month since she broke up with me and I left. her email hi there, happy new year! did you get your package? are you back in LA? how was your Christmas? S--- opinions? Link to comment
gunpoint6 Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 my opinion would be to reply but make it short dont really tell her what you did for the holidays, just say everything was good. Also do not ask what she did if anything just say hope you had a nice new year if you want to. She shouldnt know your business anymore, she lost that right when she lost you. Link to comment
bostoneric Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 yeah once the package shows i was going to reply. "package showed today, thanks" and that was all i was going to say. i agree, its my life now not "our" life anymore. Link to comment
iwillbefine Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 After I sent the email he wrote back and said" I understand. I never ment to make you feel that way. We will work something out" to which I responded "Thank you." Then he suggested that we get together to exchange some things that he has of mine and I have of his. I wrote back" I am not at all ready for that. I need some time to think this all out. I am so glad that all of this is working out so well for you, but I don't need anything badly enough to see you right now." He then responded" I'm sorrry. I understand. Whenever you are ready. I'm sorry." I didn't respond to that, and haven't talked to him since. I feel so good! I feel very in control of my life after that. I stood up for myself, and then told him that I will contact him when I am ready. Honestly if the only thing I can think of is pucking at the thought of seeing him, then I shouldn't even pretend I could handle it. I may never want to see him again. Link to comment
bostoneric Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 wow, i know how it feels. on one hand it feels powerful and in control but at the same time its so hard to say that to somebody who you care about so much! Link to comment
iwillbefine Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 It was hard, but I am the one who always says" I'm just gonna wait and see what he does." * * * * that! I am so tired of things happening TO me. I was legitimatly upset about something he did, so I told him how I felt, and me not wanting to see him.....I don't. I can't. And that is probably the first time I said that and meant it...not like I'm going to make him wait....but I am not where I need to be emotionaly. I don't want to feel persueded by what he says....I want to own my feelings, and if I don't know what they are I can't respond accordingly. Ya know? Link to comment
Crows Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 After her beating around the bush and not exactly knowing what she's doing or why.... I have a gut feeling it's her pride keeping in her way of actually talking to me about this and letting me know whats really going on. Many will beat me for this, but today I have a gut feeling that I need to sniff to find some things out. I am going to ask her if she can hang out this weekend... then I will proceed to say I still feel we have a connection. I need to know where she stands and how she will react. If nothing.. I go NC completely again. This is my gut talking to me today, and I am acting on it for the first time since I was begging for her back.. It's do it or go home for me now. I can't let my self suffer any longer. It's coming to a head, and it's make or break for me and her. Though.. it will be strategic and i will not put pressure on her. Only let her know some of my feelings. Good day to you all. Link to comment
samantha20 Posted January 4, 2008 Share Posted January 4, 2008 Hey, not sure whether to try NC or not.. I'd like to tell my story and see what people think, as you all seem to be having similar experiences and I would really like to learn from you. sorry, this is long just really need to let it out and seek some advice! I'm a female living in the UK and met my ex when I started university 2 and a half years ago. I got a job in a nightclub and she was my manager. I was quite lonely when I started university and was a long way from home. At this point I wasn't really aware of my sexuality ( I think now that I am bi), I just needed a friend and she was there for me. The age difference wasn't an issue (she is 6 years older) I went out drinking with her and the rest of my colleagues and really felt like I fitted in somewhere. On a night out with my colleagues everyone went ahead to the next bar whilst I went with her to the cashpoint. She looked me straight in the eye and asked me to kiss her. For some reason it didn't shock me at all, it felt like there had been underlying sexual tension for weeks and I just hadn't consciously aknowledged it before that point. But it felt right, like it was supposed to happen, so I did. That night we went back to her flat (she lived above the nightclub) and slept together. I felt bad because she had a boyfriend who she had been with for years, but she told me that they were more like friends who lived together and that they never had sex or even displayed any affection towards eachother. The next morning I left before she woke up and went back to my flat. I didn't regret what had happened but assumed that it didn't mean anything to her other than sex. The next morning I got lots of panicky texts from her asking me not to tell anyone as she was scared it would jepordise her job. I felt like she regreted the whole thing and agreed not to tell anyone but a couple of nights later she kissed me again after work. I continued to casually date guys during this time, and one night I was with a guy in the club. Afterwards my manager offered to drive me home, but in the car was very frosty. Eventually she told me that she didn't want me to see other people and that if I did then we couldn't continue what we were doing. I pointed out that this wasn't very fair because she had a boyfriend but she emphasised again that she had no feelings for him and she was only still with him because they lived together. Even so, I said I was getting uncomfortable with the stuff we were doing behind his back and not long after she broke up with him. She said it wasn't for me, I was just the catalyst for something she had wanted to do for a long time. He moved into a different room but continued to live with her and from then on we became a couple. I moved into the flat above the club too and lived there over the summer. As far as her ex and everyone else knew, me and her were just best friends but slept in the same bed because I needed a place to stay and there were no more beds. This went on for a long time until eventually she quit her job and got a flat in town, whilst I got a flat with some friends from uni. From then on things became difficult. Initially she had said that she didn't want people to know because she was my manager, but after she had quit she still didn't want anyone to know which made me feel like she was ashamed of our relationship. There were a lot of rumours about us because of all the time we had spent together, which she hated. Also, because I was staying at her flat all the time my flatmates were getting suspicious about where I had been and because they saw me hanging out with her a lot they had reached the same conclusion and often made snide comments about it and I ould hear them whispering and laughing about it which made me feel horrible about the whole situation. To try and stop the rumours we came up with this stupid idea that next time we were on a night out we would both kiss a guy in front of people we knew. Kissing someone else made me feel awful and I couldn't do it for long. After i had kissed him he kept following me around and I went home to get away from him, planning to tell her the next day that I never wanted to do that again. Meanwhile, she kissed a guy from work, who promptly told her that he had had strong feelings for her for ages and that he was willing to dump his girlfriend of 8 years to be with her. The next day she told me that she thinks we should break up because she can't handle all the rumours about us and doesn't see us having a future. She also said that it was nothing to do with the guy that she had kissed. I was heartbroken but agreed with her because I didn't want to be left looking desparate and feeling like i had be dumped. I also thought that she would regret the decision and want me back. A couple of days later however, she told me that she now had feelings for the guy she had kissed but wasn't going to do anything about it because he still had a girlfriend and she didn't want to hurt anyone. I went home to my parents place for about a week after that and the night before I left, she kissed me and told me that she was confused and that we would talk when I got back. This gave me some hope although I was still hurting that she had feelings for someone else. I took comfort in the fact that she had told me that she wasn't going to be with him. When I went back however, I found out from a colleague that this guy had dumped his girlfriend and was now seeing my ex. I was heartbroken, because before I went away she had given me hope about us getting back together. When I confronted her she admitted that she had been meeting up with him and said that she didn't know if she wanted to be with him or not and that she wanted us both. She cuddled me in her bed and then slept with me, then said that she was going for a drive and asked me to wait in her flat whilst she drove around and thought about whether she wanted to be with me or him. It was agony and really degrading to sit in her flat for nearly 2 hours whilst she drove around trying to figure out if I was good enough for her. Eventually when she came back she said that she wasn't saying that she had chosen the other guy, but that she just couldn't be with me again because even though she still felt the same about me she couldn't have a future with me. I left her flat in bits and the next couple of weeks were agony. She wanted to stay friends and we went to a mutual friend's leaving party, as she promised me that the guy wouldn't be there. He WAS there and when i saw her talking to him I busrt into tears in front of everyone. She told me that they weren't together but that she found him attractive and that he might be able to offer her a future, which she couldn't see herself having with a woman. She said that they were just going to see how things went. It was unbearable for me seeing them even talk to eachother and because I was no longer with her at her flat all the time it made me wonder if she was with him or not. It was hard trying to stay friends because I was always secretly hoping she's want me back. One night when we were out I saw her texting him and got upset and left because she told me that she hadn't been in contact with him for ages. Another time she told me that she was going to have an early night and i dropped into the club I work in to sort out money and saw her in there with him. The fact that she was lying to me about stuff was too much and I resolved to stop talking to her. Then she turned up at my flat and wanted to go for a drive. She said that she still had feelings for me and loved me so much but just couldn't be with me because she didn't want to go through the pain of us breaking up again when it was time for me to leave uni. I said that I wanted to be with her after uni but she said that it couldn't work because she didn't want to tell anyone or live a lie. She told me that she didn't want to be with this guy and that she was going to go into the club and tell him that she def didn't want to be with him. I went home still heartbroken that she wouldn't be with me but comforted that she wasn't going to be with that guy and thinking that maybe we could stay friends. The next day I dropped by her flat (her flatmates let me in) walked into her room and found him sitting on her bed. I glared at her and left wondering what he was doing in her room when she had told him the night before that she didn't want to be with him. She contacted me later saying that she had changed her mind again and that she wanted to see how things went with him. I couldn't take the pain anymore and decided to have NC. I then stopped at her flat a few days later to pick up my bike which was chained outside and she saw me and begged me to come in. She started coming on to me and even though she had messed me around and treated me like crap I just couldn't resist. She said that she loved me and def didn't want to be with that guy anymore, and begged me to go out with her that night. That night we were getting ready together and when she was in the bathroom I saw an msn message from a friend of hers that had moved away saying that she, another friend and the guy that she had been seeing should dress up warm when they got to his. I couldn't believe it, she was going away for the weekend with the guy she had been seeing and wasn't even going to tell me about it. She had figured that I wouldn't find out as I was going home for the christmas holidays the next day. I busrt into tears and shouted at her and she said that she was going to tell me afterwards because she hadn't wanted to ruin the night with me getting upset. She said that she was only going with him because they were all friends with the guy that had moved away and they wanted to go see him, and that it was purely as friends. She also said that she thought that me and her were back together now and that she wouldn't cheat on me. Despite everything she had put me through all I wanted was to be back with her so I agreed to give it another go. we went out that night and had a good time, and that night she slept in my bed and told me she loved me. The next day she drove me to the station, said that she loved me and was going to miss me so much and waved me off. Over the christmas holidays she was distant and only called or texted very briefly about once a day. Her texts also sounded more like those a friend than a girlfriend. I missed her so much though and agreed to meet her in a city about 2 hours away for christmas shopping. When I got there though she acted like a friend and refused to kiss me even though we hadn't seen achother for 2 weeks! I got upset and asked her why she was being like that and she said stop pushing me and enjoy the day. But I said that I wanted to know why my girlfriend that I hadn't seen for 2 weeks wouldn't even kiss me. eventually she said that she was confused and didn't know if she wanted to be with me or not because she had started to see me as just a friend. I asked if it was to do with the guy who liked her but she said it had nothing to do with him and that she hadn't spoken to him for ages. I burst into tears, it was 2 days before Christmas! There was Christmas music playing everywhere and i battled through the crowds back to the station crying my eyes out. She sent me nasty texts saying to 'get over it and not ruin the day' and that we could still have a good day shopping as friends. Then she caught up with me and asked me to have lunch with her before i went to talk things through. Over lunch she said that she hadn't meant it and that she had just been in a bad mood and had taken it out on me. i said that i didn't dump her everytime i was in a bad mood! I asked if she was just changing her mind again because she didn't want to ruin the day and upset me before xmas and she said that it wasn't that. She swore that she wasn't just waiting till after xmas to dump me. Even so it had been an awful day and i wanted to go home. Things seemed ok after that, she sent me some nice texts over xmas and didn't seem as distant. She was at home staying with her family at this point. Then she suddenly stopped talking to me for about three days. She didn't answer any of my calls or return any messages and I didn't know what was going on. I rang her mum and she said that she had gone back to my university town. I assumed she had lost her phone or something. Then she finally got in touch and said 'sorry i've had the flu'. I said that I didn't believe her and that that's no reason to completely ignore the person you're with for 3 days and that she could have sent me a single text before then to let me know what was going on. She said that she was at her mums even though her mum had told me she wasn't and i didn't know what to believe. At this point it was leading up to new year's eve and I had been plannning to go back and be with her but hadn't booked tickets because she hadn't been in contact. On new year's eve she rang me and asked if i was coming back and i said no its too late now, I'm staying with my family. She said that she had really wanted us to have a good night out as friends and I said 'hat do you mean as friends?? I'm your girlfriend!!' She then said that she was really sorry but she just didn't see me like that any more and that she couldn't go into new year pretending that she did. She said that I am the best friend she's ever had, that she still loves me and would do anything for me and that she never wants to lose me from her life but just doesn't see me as anything more than that anymore. I spent the whole of new dear's eve in tears and when the chimes rang out I felt like my heart was breaking. All I had wanted was to see the new year in with her as my girlfriend, but she had broken my heart again. I was angry that she had promised me that she wouldn't dump me after christmas! Since then she has begged me to stay her best friend and I don't know what to do. She messed me around so much and i don't know if i can just forgive that and act like nothing's happened. She said that she is not involved with that guy and its nothing to do with him... She has been in contact, and informed me on msn this evening that she is going out for drinks with this guy tonight but purely as friends. I don't know whether to believe it or not, and now I'm obsessing over whether he will try it on with her and if something will happen between them tonight. I'm sorry that this is so long winded, but I really had to get this out because I am feeling so low. If anyone could give me some advice I would appreciate it so much because I just don't know how to deal with this. should I stay friends with her? The hardest thing is that she was my best friend and if I do NC I will miss our closeness so much. I'm also scared that not talking to her may push her into the arms of this guy or someone else because she will get lonely after being used to spending most of her time with me. Please give me some advice!!! Will NC make things better? Link to comment
samantha20 Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 Just wanted to update. Not sure why, but my ex has just text me, whilst out with this guy, saying 'talk to me! Miss you and want to have a good night out with you!! Champagne and cocktails...xx' Not really sure what to make of it. Has she realised that I'm more fun on a night out? Is she missing me as a girlfriend or does she just miss the fun we used to have as friends, and want me to act like everything's ok and be her friend? I find it a bit odd that she's texting me whilst out with him..I'm hoping that it's because he's boring her! I'm kind of in 2 minds about this, because part of me feels like she has treated me like crap and messed me around in our relationship, and now expects to have the benefit of my friendship and that I should not give her the satisfaction. Another part of me is thinking that I miss spending time with her so much and that maybe if I do at least I will have her in some part. Should I reply to this text? Link to comment
Sunshine75 Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 samantha - I just read your post and was very moved by it. It reminds me quite a bit of my own situation. Except I've been off and on with a guy who's yanked me around the same way for years. He would do similar things - say he loved me and wanted to be with me, then after we were together all of a sudden we were just "friends" and had always just been friends?!?! Like the woman you're talking about, he had no problems with lying or misleading me. Stringing me along and then changing his mind.... To answer your question of should you stay friends with her? Obviously that's up to you, but if you hadn't developed feelings for her by being intimate with her, would you still want to be friends? From what you've shared she is an unstable, wishy washy, confused, lying user who has no problem taking what she wants from you but doesn't want to offer you any kind of honesty. Which in my book is the same as not offering any respect. She's a fair weather friend of the worst variety. Like my fair weather "friend", she too wants to stay friends with you and doesn't want to lose contact with you because she enjoys the affection, attention and adoration that you offer her. She probably knows that you would drop everything to be there for her and offer her whatever it is that she wants and needs at the moment. However, in return she's offering nothing but the occasional opportunity to satisfy her needs(whatever they may be) and plenty of lies. If that's what you want in a friend, I say, "go for it." But I'm choosing NC for myself because I'm tired of being used, lied to, and played with. I also wanted to add, that I too have had the feeling that if I let him go that he will move on and be with someone else. But really, if they(he and you're friend) hadn't been with other people, would you even be contemplating NC? No. Because if either of them were up front or honest about what they wanted with either of us(to use us how they wanted) then we wouldn't have been with them. But they hid their true natures until love developed. Now we're both torn on if we let them go, will they move on? Of course they will. But they're gonna screw other people and lie to us about it whether we're in contact with them or not. I'd rather cut ties and not have to deal with it. I deserve better treatment and so do you. Link to comment
gunpoint6 Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 this sux i had to play volleyball tonight with the ex and its so hard. I didnt talk much to her but it hurt leaving because we use to always make plans where to go after the game and now i just said goodnight no kiss on the cheek and she just said "bye see you next week." I know she is enjoying seeing me down now because I upset her for the last few months neglecting her in the relationship taking her for granted and now that she did her crying while i was ignoring her she can enjoy me crying. I tried my best to keep my head up but I am sure i did not look like it was. No contact till the next game friday thank god well thank god i got my friends going to aparty tonight gonna keep my head up as high as i can Link to comment
J_man Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 to samantha: ouch. i'm sorry to say this, but she sounds awful. so many times she's gone against her word with you. again and again and again. i think that going NC for a while, (try a month?) might help you get some more perspective? she's been terrible to you, and you've kept hoping she'd change and be more to you. she's like a drug to you it seems. it's pretty selfish of her to continually disregard your feelings, time and time again, coldly, to only be warm to you when it suits her, and to never be honest. i think drawing a hard line and taking some space for yourself might help you to see the situation a little more clearly, and the people here can be a source of support when it gets real difficult Link to comment
MNmike Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 Day 7 I deserve better. If someone can break up with me after almost 5 years, and start dating a guy a week later. I do not want to be with a person capable of this. Its bull * * * * and its wrong. I don't care what anyone says. Link to comment
yo Posted January 5, 2008 Share Posted January 5, 2008 I agree with you MNmike... We all deserve better!! There is definitely no point chasing after someone who doesn't even love us. My ex wanted space and time. She said she was confused and didn't want to get into any relationship and what does she do the very next day she breaks up with me???? She starts talking to her ex bf, makes plans holidays plans with him. That's all I know. I don't care about the rest. Let them date, let them get back together..I DON'T CARE If she goes running to another person the very next day she broke up with me, it just shows how much (or rather, how little) she loved me!!!!! We all deserve better!!! Link to comment
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