How long? What now?

[Marcus Sientre]

Ok, I wasn't really sure where this would fit best, but since I'm leaning towards one topic at the moment, I'll try here.

 

Basically, me and my girlfriend of 2 years broke about 8 months ago (looong time). . .alright. But the thing is, we ended up breaking up on the Sunday night/Monday morning of finals week at college (well, she took that semester off, so I had finals). I was really angry and frustrated because of why we broke up (long story, but it basically boiled down to not being able to trust her [and I know opinions can differ on this] because of 'cybering' [its pathetic, I could have dealt with the actions, but she lied and tried very hard to cover it up]). Anyway, I was angry at her, the situation, everything, and I was not going to let it mess up my grades by getting all caught up in it and losing focus on my finals. So I just ignored it. I just pretended I didn't care, whatever, I'm better off without her, whatever.

 

Well, I thought it worked great. We broke up and it was easy. Especially compared to last time (we broke up briefly once before because she met a guy online [who was only 19], once she told him she was all his, he kinda freaked out and dumped her). But here I am, 8 months later. Another semester has gone by, and I'm suddnely flooded with free time during the winter break. Combined with a "friend" of mine (bleah, stupid story there) who broke up with her boyfriend recently (and all the talking that goes along with that) it has completely caught up with me.

 

I feel dumb; after 8 months, I shouldn't care anymore, right? I was totally fine before, but now all of a sudden its setting in? What the heck? Its a crazy worldwind mixture of being angry at myself for getting upset about it now, and with feeling sad because of the break up.

 

I tried to remind myself of all the great reasons we broke up (the last thing, that I mentioned was the 'straw', there were other reasons that we should have broken up sooner...), and those got me this far. But its not enough anymore. The free time, talking to my friend, and the fact that this is the time of year when we first started dating (I can't hardly breathe the air without thinking about what it was like when we first started dating!) is just too much. I don't miss the way things were at the time that we broke up, but I miss the way things were before all the crap started soooo much. And thats all that I'm reminded of anymore.

 

So I don't know what I'm here for. Part venting, part advice I guess. Please someone tell me that its ok that I'm freaking out about it 8 months after the fact (at least I wasn't focused on it during those 8 months...)! It really seems like this is just too long, like there's something wrong with me. I'm also having trouble moving on some (which I guess is normal). But there is a reason that we stayed together well after we should have, and a reason that I can't stop thinking about her now. She has two sides to her. One sides lies, cheats, is very emotionally selfish, requires your constant attention, always needs to have its confidence built back up, makes up 'woe-is-me' stories to accomplish those last two goals, and just drains you and makes you feel worse about yourself because if shes feeling bad, its always because she has "done something wrong", and isn't good enough/has disappointed you/whatever, and then you feel piss poor because you feel like you made her feel that way.Then you have to build her back up.

 

Then there is the side that can be physically attentive (cuddles, hugs, kisses, everything and anything I could want), is attractive (not in the super model way, but in the pretty, inocent, cute kind of way), and fills that need you have to feel important to someone! To feel like no matter what, at least one person loves you. She was good at that. Its all the bad things that made it a horrible relationship, but its all the good things that has made leaving it so hard. Worst still, those good things are exactly what I'm looking for in girl.

 

We still work at the same place (big retail store, different departments thank God). I don't talk to her, but sometimes I'm around her. And I imagine if I didn't know all the bad stuff about her, if I pretend I didn't know her, I would be so insanely in love with her, just like I was the first time. She exudes exactly what I'm looking for, and its something that I haven't found anywhere else yet. So for my question. . how do I move on? I'm stuck. I can't go back to her, I won't and I honestly don't want too. But I can't move forward either. Everyone else I meet just seems pale and poor in comparison (with respect to the good qualities, obviously...).

 

I don't know what to do. :sad:

[mikeca]

its seems to me your mind just catching up to the 8months. You had your mind focused on school and now during the winter break it begins to wander.

 

And you dated it seems pretty intensely for two years, and everyone timetable is different. I still think part of you holds to the dream of what she could've been, now add that up to what she has been, hopefully you find your answer.

[arwen]

Hey Marcus,

 

I think that since you ignored the break up as good as you could at the time, it's normal that you are going through the emotions now that you have the time for them. Better late than never, I can assure you that this phase is necessary for starting to move on and eventually meeting someone else. You are now going through what most people go through directly after a break up-- feeling that no one compares to the ex despite of the many good reasons you shouldn't be together, seeing the ex and feeling terrible because of the remnant feelings, etc.

 

If you weren't working in the same place, I'd say just make sure you don't see her. But you will probably run into her accidentally anyway, so I'd just try to avoid that situation. I think after all, she did you a favor by ending the relationship- obviously she could not commit to you and I am sure you don't want a lying partner.

 

You say that she exudes everything you are looking for in a girl. Seeing what happened and led to the break up (her cybering with other men), I doubt that that is true. You are just not in the place to move on to another girl right now, because you first need to obtain closure. Let the emotions of the break up come, don't bottle them up! Then, when you start to feel better (I promise that you WILL), you will see that other girls seem attractive too, that they even have qualities you didn't know you were looking for.

 

Arwen