Do you ever rebuild trust?

[Melis]

I have been with my boyfriend for over 2 years. About a year ago he cheated on me, and we broke up for a couple months, but ended up getting back together. Now I find myself constantly checking up on him, patrolling his myspace, always over his shoulder, and used to always check his phone. I haven't checked his phone in awhile, because he would get mad, and we would just end up in a fight....do you ever trust again, or the relationship doomed?

[prtygrl1973]

I have been with my boyfriend for over 2 years. About a year ago he cheated on me, and we broke up for a couple months, but ended up getting back together. Now I find myself constantly checking up on him, patrolling his myspace, always over his shoulder, and used to always check his phone. I haven't checked his phone in awhile, because he would get mad, and we would just end up in a fight....do you ever trust again, or the relationship doomed?

 

wish i had some advice - kind of going through the same thing!! although he is my husband!!

 

If he is getting mad at you though, I don't think that is fair, you have a right to do that... at least i think so -- if he isn't hiding anything - he should be glad you are not finding anything!!

[Day_Walker]

If you cannot trust again then the relationship is doomed, it is as simple as that.

[Melis]

Yeah it for sure makes it tough on a relationship. The thing is he has a history of cheating. Hes been married twice before and cheated on them both...obvious reasons why they are ex wifes now! Its a tough situation because I love him, but Im so tired of spending every day stressing wondering if hes telling me the truth or not. I agree prtygrl that he shouldn't get mad at me for being this way, but he figures after a year I should be over it...but to add fuel to the fire hes a dj at a night club...that is hard enough!

[meantime]

In my experience the relationship may not be doomed but it will never be the same. It is like there is a debt that can never be paid. You will always feel owed something and he will never be able to make up the difference. I know people do successfully go on after infidelity but it is never the same. Sorry I wish I could be more positive. My exhusband was unfaithful and I tried to make it work but I found myself always going through his things and questioning everything. The relationship was no longer a safe place to be and I hated what I had turned into...a suspicious miserable snoop.

[meantime]

Oh he has cheated before and now with you...I know when you are in love you can't see things clearly. What if one of your girlfriends was telling you this story...you would tell her she deserves to be with someone who does not cheat. If you had a daughter and she told you this about her bf or husband what would you want for her? Something better right? Want that for yourself!

[tiredofthis]

I've been in the same situation before with my last fiancee, finding out she went over to her ex's house when I wa out of town. Now I'm engaged again and I told myself I would never need to check her email, phone, etc. Well I had this weird feeling last night since she was up in her old neighborhood and I logged in and found a sent email from her to her ex saying that she wanted to get together for dinner and catch up. She told me she was going up there to meet up with old friends. I'm sure it was innocent, but I called her and asked her if she was meeting up with him and she denied it. Then she kept saying would giving you access to my phone, myspace, email make you feel better and I told her that's not what I wanted, but of course I already knew. Well when I logged in again this morning to print it out to show her, she deleted it forever. I know how you feel...even if it's nothing big, it's still a lie.

[Melis]

Yeah i dont like the person I have become at all, it kills your confidence. When i met him I was the most confident person ever, I had no worries and i just enjoyed life, looked forward to the weekends with friends..etc. Now its like I dont do those things anymore b/c Im constantly keeping tabs on him, and by the end of the night im just to tired to even do anything. What hurts the most is hes not understanding, he does things and doesn't think of how it will effect me...he just says "I can have friends that are girls, if it was a guy you wouldn't have a problem." Well duh! This sucks, how do I pull myself away when i love him, but know this so very unhealthy!

[flower99]

Yeah it for sure makes it tough on a relationship. The thing is he has a history of cheating. Hes been married twice before and cheated on them both...obvious reasons why they are ex wifes now! Its a tough situation because I love him, but Im so tired of spending every day stressing wondering if hes telling me the truth or not. I agree prtygrl that he shouldn't get mad at me for being this way, but he figures after a year I should be over it...but to add fuel to the fire hes a dj at a night club...that is hard enough!

 

well, from the looks of this, he doesn't understand & you don't trust.

I dont think there is a way to fix this. His job alone makes you uneasy let alone his history of being a cheater.

Honestly I think you can't trust him, because your gut is telling you not to. FOR GOOD REASONS.

Instead of trying to rebuild with a man with a history of being a cheater (even with women he's made vows to...Huge RED FLAG)

Why not start fresh with a different man, one with a better track record.

[Melis]

Trust me tiredofthis I know how it is to snoop, you dont want to be that person, but you feel like if you dont find out for yourself you will always question. Hes the same way though, I could have clear cut evidence that hes lying and he will deny until the end. Then hes one of those who makes it your fault, like "Im so tired of this, Im a big boy, Im tired of you telling me what I can and cannot do, Im being faithful." And yada yada....we can be good for a month, but then something will seem weird, he will say something, or just act weird, and there i am snooping again...its like I do it to protect myself so that I dont get hurt again!

[meantime]

It is one of the hardest things to do. You keep hoping you will be the one. The truth is if he really wanted to build trust between the two of you he would do what ever it took to do so. When a man has a history of cheating and likes to keep female company my advise it to let him, then let him go. I know it is so very hard you want that feeling that you think only he can give you. Try to imagine that feeling in the absense of fear. That is what love is really like. I know how you feel. I know exactly how you feel. There is no easy way to make the break, you will know when you have had enough.

[flower99]

Yeah i dont like the person I have become at all, it kills your confidence. When i met him I was the most confident person ever, I had no worries and i just enjoyed life, looked forward to the weekends with friends..etc. Now its like I dont do those things anymore b/c Im constantly keeping tabs on him, and by the end of the night im just to tired to even do anything. What hurts the most is hes not understanding, he does things and doesn't think of how it will effect me...he just says "I can have friends that are girls, if it was a guy you wouldn't have a problem." Well duh! This sucks, how do I pull myself away when i love him, but know this so very unhealthy!

 

How do you pull yourself away when you love him????

Decied you love yourself more!!!!!!!

you don't like what you're becoming, understandably so. So imagine what you'll be in 2 more years.

This is unhealthy because it's going to kill the person you are.Take care of yourself and the person you want to be & do what's good for you. You've got to love more than you love him.

 

Love yourself too much to risk losing yourself to him.

it's going to be hard leaving. but not impossible & it will be the best thing you can do to save yourself & become the women you want to be. I wish you happiness!

[Melis]

The thing is I think Im at that breaking point. Its just as soon as I think about saying something to get away, he pulls me in again! Its hard to imagine my life without him b/c hes been in it everday for the last 2 years, but then again I cant go on like this either. Here lately Ive stopped calling him, stopped texting him, stopped everything. Which means he starts calling me more, and texting me more. Its like im trying to pull away slowly, as to not make this hurt as bad, but its like he is right there everytime!

[Melis]

Flower99 your right, i dont want to see where Im at in 2 years if I stay with him, Id be scared to see the person Id become. This is really tough, but im trying, Im letting go more and more every day!

[meantime]

And you can't help but enjoy all the attention he gives at the thought of losing you, then you go back, then he gets comfortable, then it gets weird again. Men who cheat usually keep on cheating. Sorry.

[Melis]

meatime your right, as soon as he knows im gone, hes right there at my doorstep! Even if I tell him I cant do it anymore, he will still call, still show up. So it just drags me a long, and eventually pulls me back in b/c things seem to great, and then after a couple weeks they are right back where they were before!

[flower99]

it's a cycle.

It will continue forever...or until you get out.

you know what you need to do. You just have to build up your confidence again. Keep letting go everyday & trust you will be okay.

You were a better women before you got in this relationship, you'll be a better women when you get out of it.

[Melis]

Thanks flower, I know either way this is going to be a tough road. Once hes gone its going to be hard, because the love will still be there. But truthfully, I just keep asking myself "How long can you do this, when is it time to relax and stop stressing." Im so ready for that time! Just tough to let go of something you love! But I think I can take some others advice, and stop using my heart and start using my head!

[meantime]

I did this. I had to change my number last month bc I am so powerless when he calls. He was never going to let it end because who wouldn't want someone around that loves and adores them and at the same time they get to keep all of their other 'thrills' going on...of course they keep calling! He needs his ego stroked by you, a man who cheats and/or needs a lot of female attention is a considered a player. You will never be enough for him. No one woman will ever be enough for him. So you can think of that, that the woman/women who come after you will all get the same treatment and a man like that ends up alone or surrounded by his many empty relationships. If you are strong enough to walk away and see your value, that is when he too will see your value. How can a man who does not value himself see your worth? He will always need to fill his ego and one way or another you can stick around and suffer longer or you can work through the pain of loss and find someone worthy of you.

[flower99]

Wow...these are great words.

You've really been through a lot meantime. it's given you great insight. I wish you much happiness

 

 

 

Definietly!!! your head knows before your heart does.

 

it is a hard road, but it won't be done in vain.

Every good thing you lose is replaced with something better.

[Melis]

So many good point meantime! I think he really has a confidence issue, and my keeping so many women in his life, it make him feel better about himself! Everyone says "What are you doing with him, you can do so so much better." I think ive just had my confidence killed so much in the last 2 years that I dont even realize that him are I are so different. For instance, Im 23, hes 33. All my friends say he looks like hes in his 40's, and thats he not very attractive. For me looks aren't everything...but he had a great personality, and now Im not sure what Im holding on to. I think I constantly look at the past and what we "used' to have, and thats what keeps me around!

[meantime]

Of course it is the good feelings that keep you tied to him. Maybe you can read up on love addiction, he was/is definitely meeting a need you have but if you are feeling this way now it is no longer enough. My ex was 33 as well, not that good looking either, but he had such charm. I was addicted to the way he loved when it was directed at me. It was not until I stepped back I saw how most of it was 'air'. Most of his promises never came true and all he had to give me was and endless stream of words which I mistook for love, and everybody knows that love is an action. Please don't spend a year like I have going back and forth only to end up in the same exact place. Make your exit, it will be so hard and you will want nothing more than to just be with him again but after a while...you begin to really see but you can't see as long as you are so caught up emotionally.

[Melis]

Your right meantime, I will never know what everyone else sees until I step back and see it for myself! Im better then this, and deserve better then thi! I think down deep hes a good guy, but he just has a lot of issues, issues that I cant waste anymore time trying to fix or figure out. Im taking one day at a time, and am slower but surely seperating myself from this situation! I will be back on tomorrow to let you know any updates! One day at a time!

[tiredofthis]

Melis, wow, you're 23. You have the rest of your life ahead of you! That is so positive in so many respects. I know how you feel as I went through this with my last ex-fiancee and I'm trying to give this one the benefit of the doubt even with proof, but I just have to confront her because I'm only cheating myself in the end and if I regard trust as the most important factor we have to be open about it. It's not easy. It's not supposed to be though. I remember packing a bag and staying with a friend for 3 days and during that time I thought a lot, missed a couple days of work and told her that it was over, that I deserved better and let me tell you, it hurt for a good 3-4 months, but I got over her and the feeling that she was messing around on me and lying made it easier to forget her. This time for me is most likely harmless, but I just hate the lying, it's on both sides man or woman, they all cheat and lie and will do it again. good luck and be true to yourself that's all you can do.

[yeawutever]

In my view, the very same moment my relationship wouldn't have trust, then it would be over right away. Techinically your relationship was already over. Yes he cheated but if you keep doing what you're doing, be prepare for him to get tired of it and break up. If you're constantly doing that then it's like you're trespassing.

By the way at age 23, you're still young and have life ahead of you. Go find another man you can trust b/c of now I don't see how a relationship works with no trust plus invasion of privacy. You could get in trouble for that you know.